sb129 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Oh, And what about my sleep? I respect that. Who wants to have some sargent telling them when to get up? Because the snow is better or some crap... The snow is not going anywhere, come on, chill. So don't agree to go if your sleep is so important. If your sleep is more important to you than skiing, don't agree to go with someone who loves skiing. Paying for a days lift pass is expensive, and if you get there too late, you miss the best part of the day. The snow does go somewhere- it gets slushy and by the end of the day the slush is icy and its horrible to ski on. I would rather get up early and have the best snow of the day, and leave before the traffic gets bad. You sure have your pedantic pants on today Ariadne.
Nevermind Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Ariadne, it's good that you and star are not dating. Her guy, however, didn't seem to mind the early hour. He just didn't care to show up. If he had told star that he won't be able to do it, there would have been no problem.
Ebeleptik38 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Forgive my rambling. I'm trying very hard to think straight right now. New guy and I have been on 5 dates. He's been late to 2.5 of them (the .5 being the result of a slight miscommunication on time). He told me on our third date that one of his worst flaws is being late. I told him that one of my BIGGEST pet peeves in the world is someone who's habitually late. He said he's warning me in advance that he's almost always late. I told him that I generally don't mind if someone is late every once in a while, so long as it's fairly rare and they call me ahead of time to let me know. But I also stressed to him the importance of being on time when we have plans that have a set start time. I pointed this out to him because the 2 dates he was late for did have start times which inconvenienced us - one was a basketball game, another was a comedy show. We were late to both because of him. Anyway. We have (had?) plans to go skiing today. I came back from an event in the Bay Area last night so that we could go. On Thursday (or last date) he asked me when he needed to be at my house. I told him BY 7. No later. It takes a while to get up there, he needs to rent his sh*t, and it's warm so the snow will get slushy earlier...so the earlier we start the better. He said okay. I urged him not to be late - without nagging - but made it very clear I would be upset if he was late. Well, I just called him at 6:45 (PST) to let him know if he got here first that I was getting gas and would be right back - if I was the one late, it would be by 2-3 minutes. At 7:15 he calls me and immediately says, "Uh oh - I can tell I'm in trouble already!!!" I ask why. He says he just woke up at his buddy's house, was on his way home, and wouldn't be here until 8:30. He was apologetic, but kinda with the voice that says, "but you know I'm always late!!" and seemed a little annoyed that he's having to apologize. All I said in response to his call was, "How long does it take you to get home?" (I was estimating where he was, etc.) and that he should call me when he's home/out of the shower so I can figure out whether or not it would still be worth it to go up. He said okay. I'm honestly pretty pissed off. Borderline furious. He knew how badly I wanted to go, it's almost the end of the season, and I specifically told him on Thursday AND last night that if he didn't want to go OR was going to be late to tell me because I'd go up with someone else. He joked around with me last night, saying, "I should be at your house by 9, right?" and I again repeated, "No silly, 7!!!" and he promised me he'd be here on time. On Thursday he seemed concerned about getting up so early, because he and his buddies are "known to break out a BBQ at 3 a.m." I said, "Well, that sounds fun. But I'd hope that if you had plans to be at my house at 7 a.m. that you'd make sure you were able to get up on time." He ALSO stressed to ME on Thursday that I needed to make sure I contacted him yesterday to make sure that we were still on for today... he was concerned that after my little jaunt to the Bay Area that I might not have the energy for today. Seriously, I'm pissed. Do I go? What do I say? I don't want to harp on him, but this bugs the ever loving sh*t out of me. Lovely Miss Gazer.... You know way better than to be putting up with this crap! Out of your 5 dates you've had so far, besides his tardiness, does he really seem like someone your really into, or worth to continue to see? So much for a first impression though...I mean how would this go if you we're in a relationship with him? If he cant lock down his life now and make something/someone a priority other than his 3a.m. BBQ parties, I'm sure it would just be a future of headaches and conflict with this dude. Sure people are late from time to time....whatever...you call and let the person know, big deal. But this guy just sounds like he really likes to just piss in the wind...and you did everything right to make your point in the best way possible. Doesn't matter who I'm dating, so long as I am dating them and making plans, it is not just mandatory i show up on time...it just plain common courtesy!!!!! I remember one of your posts about "deal-breakers" this is definitely one of them!! Anyways if that's you in your pic...I really doubt you have a hard time meeting men...your hot! Go find someone worth your while! Maybe date a guy who works for Fed-Ex...I'm sure he'll be on time! hahaha BTW don't go skiing by yourself!!! haha
Ebeleptik38 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Oh, And what about my sleep? I respect that. Who wants to have some sargent telling them when to get up? Because the snow is better or some crap... The snow is not going anywhere, come on, chill. .....how is asking someone to go ski at 7a.m. being a drill sergeant??? wth? The snow is friggin melting due to the natural shift of season, and if you skied and we're an enthusiast of the sport, you'd want to take whatever measures to make the best of the dying snow-season. But this thread isn't about you (Ariadne), maybe you could start a new thread about how you like to chill on weekends and not be told what to do. Bottom line it was a ski-date...when you go up to the snow, you wake up early and hit the slopes, 7a.m. is a pretty forgiving time for me, I'm usually up by 5 or 6 and this is without a date or specific time, I just love to snowboard!! But Ariadne probably likes to ski half-days.....in slush.
underpants Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Maybe date a guy who works for Fed-Ex...I'm sure he'll be on time! hahaha :lmao: That was funny.
allina Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I would be royally pissed SG! Maybe I have low tolerance for people's sh*t but in this situation I would have been out the door by 7:15am. It was a specific situation and you kindly made it super duper clear that he needs to be there by 7am. It's not impossible for this guy to be on time, he's just too self centered and inconsiderate to do it. If he didn't respect our plans I wouldn't have either, I would have just left and enjoyed my day of skiing.
Storyrider Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 People who are habitually late give themselves permission to be in control because they falsely believe "it is their own time". In other words, it is their way of stealing control when they don't have the assertiveness to express their own wants and needs. Usually they are people who are too concerned about approval and being liked and therefore have trouble saying no. In other words, it is passive aggressive. I think he didn't really want to go skiing. He won't tell you directly. He may not even admit to himself that he doesn't want to go, but he'll be dallying, as unders put it. For example, say he's on LS, and he's saying to himself, "I'll just read one more post, and then one more, and then one more". He allows himself to do this, not necessarily b/c he doesn't value you, but because he can't deal with the possible fallout from saying no, and now he resents you for "making" him do something he doesn't want to do. At least this is one take on the matter. It certainly isn't your job to fix him, so if you can't live with it, I would agree with the other posters that you should move on.
DanielMadr Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Maybe a little bit of more focus on positive traits would be better. Overreacting a little? I certainly dont think you are in love with him. You should end it without hyping yourself over BS. I know couples who can get over worse things/traits because they love the rest more. I wasnt studying your dating career in detail, but you come accross as a person seeing Problems and obstacles on every corner. Do you really think these various nuances are the reason for you being Angry or is it somewhere deeper?
allina Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Maybe a little bit of more focus on positive traits would be better. Overreacting a little? I certainly dont think you are in love with him. You should end it without hyping yourself over BS. I know couples who can get over worse things/traits because they love the rest more. I wasnt studying your dating career in detail, but you come accross as a person seeing Problems and obstacles on every corner. Do you really think these various nuances are the reason for you being Angry or is it somewhere deeper? She has been on 5 dates with him, who is talking about being in love with this guy? And the fact that people put up with worse and make a relationship work isn't really a good point. SG is seeing a negative trait in this man early on and it's not likely to improve. Yes there could be worse but saying "well SG you're over reacting, some people get punched in the face by their SO and make it work" isn't a great way to justify staying with someone you aren't compatible with.
blind_otter Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 People who are habitually late give themselves permission to be in control because they falsely believe "it is their own time". In other words, it is their way of stealing control when they don't have the assertiveness to express their own wants and needs. Usually they are people who are too concerned about approval and being liked and therefore have trouble saying no. In other words, it is passive aggressive. I think he didn't really want to go skiing. He won't tell you directly. He may not even admit to himself that he doesn't want to go, but he'll be dallying, as unders put it. For example, say he's on LS, and he's saying to himself, "I'll just read one more post, and then one more, and then one more". He allows himself to do this, not necessarily b/c he doesn't value you, but because he can't deal with the possible fallout from saying no, and now he resents you for "making" him do something he doesn't want to do. At least this is one take on the matter. It certainly isn't your job to fix him, so if you can't live with it, I would agree with the other posters that you should move on. I don't think every person who is chronically late has an ulterior motive or an under-handed agenda. Sometimes it's just a matter of being a poor planner. I mean, what about couples where both parties are chronically late? Are they both being passive aggressive against each other? I'm late for everything. I think everyone in my entire family is late for everything, as a rule. Last time I flew up to KY to see my Dad's grave with my Mom, we missed our flight and had to get re-routed on another plane 3 hours later. I think some people just suck when it comes to attending to the clock. The only time I am ever on time is when I'm getting paid to be there. I pretty much always miss the previews when I go to the movies, but somehow magically make it in time for the actual movie. The only person I associate with closely who is ever on time is my best friend, and my oldest sister. My middle sister, mom, me, my SO are all late people. The funny thing is when we plan to hang out together, and all arrive half an hour later than planned, simultaneously. As for the OP - you guys are a mismatch.
LoveLace Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I would be pssd too. I'd probably just go alone if possible. Then I'd probably give him the cold shoulder for a couple days or something. He definitely inconvenienced you and the plans so he should at least do something to make up for it. It's as though he doesn't realize the full extent of how much he disappointed you.
JosieMcCoy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 In short, I agree StarGazer! Not being on time is being selfish and inconsiderate! Say Be Gone!
climbergirl Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Dated a guy like this. My catalyst to breaking it off was when he was late to pick me up for a show-a show we were seeing with another couple. And I had the tickets. After 30 minutes of waiting (post scheduled time), I just went without him and never returned his calls. Screw that. It annoyed me to all ends when it was just me, but now his habit of being late was f#cking over our friends. And I do think it's a selfish habit. To me it says that their time is more valuable than yours. So, if you think it pisses you off now, wait until it seeps into your social circle...that's when you'll really see how selfish his habit of being continually tardy can be--when it affects people other than yourself.
silktricks Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 As for the OP - you guys are a mismatch. EXACTLY
DanielMadr Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 She has been on 5 dates with him, who is talking about being in love with this guy? And the fact that people put up with worse and make a relationship work isn't really a good point. SG is seeing a negative trait in this man early on and it's not likely to improve. Yes there could be worse but saying "well SG you're over reacting, some people get punched in the face by their SO and make it work" isn't a great way to justify staying with someone you aren't compatible with. Who said something about bloody punching???? Do you people always have to use the worst most drastic example of all? All I meant was, that she should admit to herself, she has no deep feelings for a guy without dwelling and analyzing every annoying aspect of him and poisoning her mind further. And than question if its not a pattern in her relationships. Ive seen lot of girls dating guys who certainly werent flawless but they could be OK for them....if the girl's inner/outer ranting and analyzing made it go booom. This attitude can be pick up on unconscious level, you know. Relax, deep breath, relax and let it flow.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 The people who are stating this is not getting worked up over are right. The whole point of dating is to see if the other person is a good "fit" and if you want to start a relationship with them. OK, it has been 5 dates now and she has test-driven him so to speak (no I don't mean sexually, although that certainly can be a factor in the dating process.) So there is no point in getting angry, just see it as "OK, this guy isn't for me, and he's probably thinking "oK, Stargazer isn't for me, it's no crime, let's move on." So move on and no more ranting or you'll never get a guy because guys hate angry women.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Do you think it is possible he wasn't really going to meet you in the first place and this was his way of telling you he doesn't want to date you? I have seen guys do this type of thing, have no intentions whatsoever of following through because they want to end it.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 3. You learn to accommodate each other. He adjusts to be on time for things that are truly important and you learn that it's no big deal to be late for some things. Obviously number 3 is the best solution, but in all honesty, neither of you sound like you are either mature enough or selfless enough to get there... Wow. I'm not mature or selfless? Why do you think that? And given that I have mentioned very, very little about him other than his tardiness, what makes you think that about him? Out of your 5 dates you've had so far, besides his tardiness, does he really seem like someone your really into, or worth to continue to see? Other than this, yes. He has some fantastic qualities, and I do want to get to know him better. That's why I'm so frustrated. It's the first and only red flag... I just don't know how big it is. I don't think every person who is chronically late has an ulterior motive or an under-handed agenda. Sometimes it's just a matter of being a poor planner. I think some people just suck when it comes to attending to the clock. I agree with you, BO. I was surprised so many of you think that habitual tardiness is a control tactic. I hadn't ever thought about it that way. My BFF used to be like this, always late. Her hubby straightened her out. I have another good friend who's always late too, she'll literally be late to her own funeral. Neither one of them are manipulative or controlling - just flighty, almost ditzy when it comes to planning. I really don't think this guy is any different. Anyway... He showed up right after my last post. He was hungover as all hell, and seemed a little flippant about his tardiness. We had a good day skiing - well, at least I did, despite the fact I spent no more than 2.5 hours actually skiing (). I pretty much had to leave him behind for most of the day (he's only been twice). He said he had a great time, and promised he wouldn't be late "next time." However, he picked on my driving on the way home, and I noticed a potential issue today with his drinking (but I could just be looking for issues at this point because I was grouchy). Hmm. We'll see if there actually is a "next time." I'm not inviting him out - he's gonna have to ask AND show up on time.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 He said he had a great time, and promised he wouldn't be late "next time." Bull. He shouldn't promise you that because he has a problem with being late. It is just the way he is.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Bull. He shouldn't promise you that because he has a problem with being late. It is just the way he is. I agree. In fact, as soon as he said it, he took it back and said he'd try really, really hard.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 So, see what other red flags come up along the way and decide then. Just take things slow with him and don't let your heart get attached.
Noelle_eds Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Star Gazer...not sure if you read my reply on my thread but thanks for your post...I said I was glad you replied b/c i like what you have to say about other topics...anyways on this Mr. Tardy....how much do you like this guy? Like someone mentioned dating is figuring out if someone is a good fit for you...sounds like this guy is not planning on changing is tardy ways now...and probably not anytime soon. This is the period where most guys would be working overtime to impress you...so you have to worry that things will only go downhill!
Melvll Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 sounds like my ex! AW I hate it when people are late.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 So, see what other red flags come up along the way and decide then. Just take things slow with him and don't let your heart get attached. I will and I won't. Star Gazer...not sure if you read my reply on my thread but thanks for your post...I said I was glad you replied b/c i like what you have to say about other topics...anyways on this Mr. Tardy....how much do you like this guy? Like someone mentioned dating is figuring out if someone is a good fit for you...sounds like this guy is not planning on changing is tardy ways now...and probably not anytime soon. This is the period where most guys would be working overtime to impress you...so you have to worry that things will only go downhill! I like him a lot, but this really bothers me. What bothers me even more is I'm not quite sure he really understands how important it is to me. Like I said, he's a little flippant about it, joking around a lot, etc. Perhaps he does that to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation for himself, but it only makes me even more irritated. We'll see.
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