underpants Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I have this problem. I dally...and I shouldn't. I get distracted and forget things ...and I shouldn't. However, if I have plans ...especially a trip I really try my best to avoid dallying. (although, I have to alot myself dally time). I am not sure this guy is worth the effort to show him consequence to actions but what has helped me is others not letting me get away with it. i.e. calling me on it and/or just leaving and telling me to meet them when I can, if I even want to. It is disrespectful to hold someone else up, especially when there are plans or they are depending on you. Now I just dally on my own time.
2sunny Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 deal breaker for me for two reasons: 1) he is disrespecting you. you have been perfectly clear about your priorities and he has disregarded them. 2) he is not a man of his word. these two "biggies" would most likely carry over into other areas of your relationship = not fun. two big concerns - in my humble opinion.
silktricks Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 If you two stay together - which I doubt will happen - one of three things would need to happen. 1. You adjust to his being late for everything. 2. He adjusts to your need to be on time for everything. 3. You learn to accommodate each other. He adjusts to be on time for things that are truly important and you learn that it's no big deal to be late for some things. Obviously number 3 is the best solution, but in all honesty, neither of you sound like you are either mature enough or selfless enough to get there... The long and short of it - just move along honey, and find someone who shares your issues with timeliness.
sb129 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 And I'd hate to have someone tell me that, on a Sunday, I'd have to be at her place before 7am even if I was up late till 3am with my friends. I'd show up at 11am, take it or leave it. Screw you or something. (Btw, I'm always late) Even if you had previously arranged to meet at 7am and asked for reminders about what time you were meeting? 7.30 or even 8am could be acceptable if there was traffic or something, but he didn't even wake UP till after the arranged meeting time. To me, that is just rude and thoughtless. It takes 5seconds to set an alarm. I am not that intolerant of lateness if there is a genuine reason for it, and everyone needs a little leeway now and then, hell, I dally and dither about often enough (not at work tho). But he asked her what time, she even explained why it had to be that early (the snow is usually rubbish by 11am at a popular ski resort) and he then asked her to remind him. Well then, don't promise you will show up at 7. If you promise you will show up at 7, don't go out until 3 am. Exactly Kamille. I would go skiing without him, or I would make sure to do something amazing by myself that day, and would probably lose interest in him because his actions would be telling me he doesn't have it together enough to maintain the kind of relationship I want. The guy lost points. He sure did.
underpants Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I should really be doing something else...what is it? Seriously, this is the new time. He should be more invested and respectful of your time together. Especially if he values the potential you two have. I would see it as a big flag especially this early.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Even if you had previously arranged to meet at 7am and asked for reminders about what time you were meeting? 7.30 or even 8am could be acceptable if there was traffic or something, but he didn't even wake UP till after the arranged meeting time. To me, that is just rude and thoughtless. It takes 5seconds to set an alarm. I am not that intolerant of lateness if there is a genuine reason for it, and everyone needs a little leeway now and then, hell, I dally and dither about often enough (not at work tho). But he asked her what time, she even explained why it had to be that early (the snow is usually rubbish by 11am at a popular ski resort) and he then asked her to remind him.. Well, I probably wouldn't commit to some time, I'd say, I'll see you when I wake up. Or, I'll try to make it as early as possible. But the guy even tried and tell her, see you at 9? And she was pissed, see you before 7, silly. Omg, that doesn't even sound like a fun date to me, more like hard work. She probably needs someone that is up at 5am on Sundays for that kind of stuff.
sb129 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Seriously, this is the new time. He should be more invested and respectful of your time together. Especially if he values the potential you two have. I would see it as a big flag especially this early. Exactly! All timekeeping issues aside, when you first start seeing someone and you are both really excited, you count down the minutes till you see eachother again. I was late for my first date with Wonderboy, but it was because I was so nervous I changed my outfit twice and then got on the train going in the wrong direction. For the next date I was so excited I was ready over an hour early. I don't think we had an argument about lateness or timekeeping or anything like that till we started living together.
StartingOver07 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Being chronically late is rude. However, you are not his mother and it seems silly to invest so much time/talk in telling him when to be at your house and how to manage his time so that he could be there at 7. He's a big boy and if the outing was important to him, he'd have been there. You can't control him. All you can control is your reaction to him. So either don't make time-sensitive plans with him or make plans you are prepared to execute on your own. Or dump him. But stop wasting negative energy on a guy you have only dated 5 times. It is neither productive nor healthy.
Nevermind Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Ariadne, they are dating and agreed on a date. A time sensitive date. It's not like StarGazer went to a bar, picked a random guy, yelled "7am, my place, you better make it in time or else!" and ran out again. He did have a choice. (At least I hope that's not how you do, Star )
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Star, you can either settle for a selfish man or you can move on and find yourself someone who will treat you with respect and courtesy. Your choice.
sb129 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Well, I probably wouldn't commit to some time, I'd say, I'll see you when I wake up. Or, I'll try to make it as early as possible. But the guy even tried and tell her, see you at 9? And she was pissed, see you before 7, silly. Omg, that doesn't even sound like a fun date to me, more like hard work. She probably needs someone that is up at 5am on Sundays for that kind of stuff. Ok, I see what you are saying, but for a days skiing, you really do need to be up early to get the best fresh snow. So if he didn't WANT to get up early, or thought he would have a problem making it after a night out with his friends, how come he said he would go? I would have respected him much more if he had just said, "hey, I really don't know if I will get there on time, I think I had better not come" I agree with SO07- he is a big boy, and is capable of being on time if he really wants to. SG has a decision to make whether she can work on being OK with this (which, after 5 dates, is a red flag in itself), or whether she can be bothered pursuing a R with someone who has a trait she finds so hard to accept.
StartingOver07 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Ariadne, they are dating and agreed on a date. A time sensitive date. It's not like StarGazer went to a bar, picked a random guy, yelled "7am, my place, you better make it in time or else!" and ran out again. He did have a choice. (At least I hope that's not how you do, Star ) True. But he made it claer to her at the outset that he is not a punctual person. And she made it clear to him that one of her pet peeves is tardiness. Seems to me that at that point one of two things should have happened: either one of them agrees to yield to the other OR they realise they have a mis-match. Instead, it seems that Star assumed that by presenting that tardiness is a deal-breaker for her, she is now entitled to be furious because he behaved exactly as he said he would. True, he didn't directly tell her he wouldn't be there at 7, but Star is a smart cookie and taking into consideration his past performance along with his lack-luster comments and jokes about the 7am time frame, I think she knew he wasn't going to show up on time. Don't get me wrong: I am a punctual person and I hate it when people are late. But I also have learned to listen to what people -- especially men! -- say to me. This guy announced his intentions (or lack thereof) in both words and deeds, so I am not sure that leaves a lot of room for outrage at this point.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I would have respected him much more if he had just said, "hey, I really don't know if I will get there on time, I think I had better not come" Yeah, And then she'd be like a sargent. 7am or never, got it? I'll go alone or with someone else. I like to chill on my days off and do things nice and easy.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Yeah, And then she'd be like a sargent. 7am or never, got it? I'll go alone or with someone else. I like to chill on my days off and do things nice and easy. So he drags his arse around, passive-aggressively and possibly ruins her entire day by not being assertive? I see you, Ariadne, as the type to just say, I don't want to go. This guy is sounding more and more like a loser. Run Star, run!
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 So he drags his arse around, passive-aggressively and possibly ruins her entire day by not being assertive? I see you, Ariadne, as the type to just say, I don't want to go. This guy is sounding more and more like a loser. Run Star, run! Nah, I'd go when I feel like it. If she's a pest I'd just dump her. No patience for that.
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Yeah, And then she'd be like a sargent. 7am or never, got it? I'll go alone or with someone else. Do you ski ??? She did mention that the weather has warmed and the slopes would be slushy and the early time frame would mean a faster slope and more fun. While being up at 7am is a problem to you it wasn't to him as he AGREED to the time.. The issue is he didn't follow thru on his word and basically stood her up.. Ariadne.. Do you like to get stood up ?.. If you do get stood up then do you blame yourself or the guy who didn't make good on his word ?
Little Shy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I can completely relate to your anger on this one! I run somewhere in the middle with how much emphasis I put on punctuality, but for skiing !!! I am a complete time Nazi! He wanted to leave 1 1/2 hours later? 8:30?? That's when the lifts open! I would be so pissed, skiing/snowboarding is expensive, and now you are riding like 1/2 day. It sound like to me, you might be with the wrong guy, if punctuality is very important to you. Habitually late people never change (it seems) a life long problem. What's so irritating about these people, is they are constantly pissing off their friends & family, because of inconveniencing them, & they never seem to care! Why would they...they are not the ones sitting around, tapping their toes for 45 min. waiting. These people always seem selfish to me. I think it sounds like maybe you should consider moving on! :o
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Ariadne.. Do you like to get stood up ?.. If you do get stood up then do you blame yourself or the guy who didn't make good on his word ? No. I just don't like to have someone tell me what time I have to get up. That's all.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Nah, I'd go when I feel like it. If she's a pest I'd just dump her. No patience for that. That's quite a selfish attitude, Ariadne. It basically means you don't respect the other person's time. Skiing isn't like any other sport. The best snow is when it's cold but buttery. Nothing beats carving your way through good snow. I would wake up at midnight, just to get an hour of good snow.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 That's quite a selfish attitude, Ariadne. It basically means you don't respect the other person's time. Skiing isn't like any other sport. The best snow is when it's cold but buttery. Nothing beats carving your way through good snow. I would wake up at midnight, just to get an hour of good snow. Oh, And what about my sleep? I respect that. Who wants to have some sargent telling them when to get up? Because the snow is better or some crap... The snow is not going anywhere, come on, chill.
sb129 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 No. I just don't like to have someone tell me what time I have to get up. That's all. But thats what happens in a relationship or when you do stuff with people sometimes. What about the movies or other scheduled events? What about table reservations in a popular restaurant? You work Ariadne- by having a start time, your job effectively tells you what time you have to get up. Wonderboy and I went on holiday last week, and we had to get up at 5am so we would get to the airport on time. Our flight was delayed by three hours, so I potentially COULD have gotten up later, but I didn't. Its the same scenario- if I had stayed in bed or been late, it would have caused stress and a fight.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 But thats what happens in a relationship or when you do stuff with people sometimes. What about the movies or other scheduled events? What about table reservations in a popular restaurant? You work Ariadne- by having a start time, your job effectively tells you what time you have to get up. Wonderboy and I went on holiday last week, and we had to get up at 5am so we would get to the airport on time. Our flight was delayed by three hours, so I potentially COULD have gotten up later, but I didn't. Its the same scenario- if I had stayed in bed or been late, it would have caused stress and a fight. Well, if you have to take a flight, what can you do. It's a plane and is leaving. But if you are going hiking or something, I rather go when I feel like it. Other than that, screw you.
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 The person who cares the least has the most control. Look at this thread Let me reiterate. The guy lost the girl.... repeat after me... Hopefully SG is on the slopes as we type; however, since she's been posting on other threads until around 8:15, I'm not confident Just so you know SG, there are men who keep their time commitments, even ones made far in advance. Some of them are married and some are single. It's all about respect, time just being one form of respect. Good luck!
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Oh, And what about my sleep? I respect that. Who wants to have some sargent telling them when to get up? Because the snow is better or some crap... The snow is not going anywhere, come on, chill. Actually, yes, the good snow goes away. Unless you're someone who's an avid skiier, you can't possibly understand the difference. I spent my life, except for the last few years, hitting the slopes whenever I could. There's nothing like it, between the self-challenge, beauty of the environment, purity of air and fantastic snow. Wait until you've hit a powder bowl or a bump run where everything is sitting just right, before the morons who can't ski, destroy those runs. It's like flying 'cause you're airborne more times than not.
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