Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) Forgive my rambling. I'm trying very hard to think straight right now. New guy and I have been on 5 dates. He's been late to 2.5 of them (the .5 being the result of a slight miscommunication on time). He told me on our third date that one of his worst flaws is being late. I told him that one of my BIGGEST pet peeves in the world is someone who's habitually late. He said he's warning me in advance that he's almost always late. I told him that I generally don't mind if someone is late every once in a while, so long as it's fairly rare and they call me ahead of time to let me know. But I also stressed to him the importance of being on time when we have plans that have a set start time. I pointed this out to him because the 2 dates he was late for did have start times which inconvenienced us - one was a basketball game, another was a comedy show. We were late to both because of him. Anyway. We have (had?) plans to go skiing today. I came back from an event in the Bay Area last night so that we could go. On Thursday (or last date) he asked me when he needed to be at my house. I told him BY 7. No later. It takes a while to get up there, he needs to rent his sh*t, and it's warm so the snow will get slushy earlier...so the earlier we start the better. He said okay. I urged him not to be late - without nagging - but made it very clear I would be upset if he was late. Well, I just called him at 6:45 (PST) to let him know if he got here first that I was getting gas and would be right back - if I was the one late, it would be by 2-3 minutes. At 7:15 he calls me and immediately says, "Uh oh - I can tell I'm in trouble already!!!" I ask why. He says he just woke up at his buddy's house, was on his way home, and wouldn't be here until 8:30. He was apologetic, but kinda with the voice that says, "but you know I'm always late!!" and seemed a little annoyed that he's having to apologize. All I said in response to his call was, "How long does it take you to get home?" (I was estimating where he was, etc.) and that he should call me when he's home/out of the shower so I can figure out whether or not it would still be worth it to go up. He said okay. I'm honestly pretty pissed off. Borderline furious. He knew how badly I wanted to go, it's almost the end of the season, and I specifically told him on Thursday AND last night that if he didn't want to go OR was going to be late to tell me because I'd go up with someone else. He joked around with me last night, saying, "I should be at your house by 9, right?" and I again repeated, "No silly, 7!!!" and he promised me he'd be here on time. On Thursday he seemed concerned about getting up so early, because he and his buddies are "known to break out a BBQ at 3 a.m." I said, "Well, that sounds fun. But I'd hope that if you had plans to be at my house at 7 a.m. that you'd make sure you were able to get up on time." He ALSO stressed to ME on Thursday that I needed to make sure I contacted him yesterday to make sure that we were still on for today... he was concerned that after my little jaunt to the Bay Area that I might not have the energy for today. Seriously, I'm pissed. Do I go? What do I say? I don't want to harp on him, but this bugs the ever loving sh*t out of me. Edited March 30, 2008 by Star Gazer
Kamille Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Can you go alone? Call him and tell him that this is one of the last chance of the season and that you really don't want to miss out, apologize and say you are leaving early, as planned. Offer to reschedule another day even, like a hike or something, for another day. No need to be angry, just assert your boundaries and do what you want to do. He'll get the point.
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I say you go without him... In my mind it seems he doesn't even want to go.. If he did he would have been there on time or at least fashionably late... I think people who ar late are really missing out big time.. but if a person who is late all the time makes an effort to be on time then at least the are saying that you are important.. Go skiing SG..
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Perfect instance of how to deal with such people. You just go by yourself. No commentary. Do not reward bad behavior with your time. I've actually left the house in the car while my wife was still "getting ready" because she has such a bad habit of this. Interestingly, she's never been late once for a MC session
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I would totally go alone, but the last two times I went up, the people I was with seriously hurt themselves - one tore her ACL on her driving leg, the other got a concussion. If I hurt myself, I wouldn't be able to get home.
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 If you hurt yourself, you'll come home in an ambulance... Get goin!
Kamille Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I would totally go alone, but the last two times I went up, the people I was with seriously hurt themselves - one tore her ACL on her driving leg, the other got a concussion. If I hurt myself, I wouldn't be able to get home. This sounds like an excuse to stay angry and keep blaming him for ruining your day to me. Bottom line is: don't let him get to you. There are no doubt ski patrols on the mountains and always a way to get home. I have gone hiking alone, in somewhat dangerous areas, because an ex flaked on me. I was a bit afraid but was also very careful and it did me a world of good.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 In my mind it seems he doesn't even want to go.. If he did he would have been there on time or at least fashionably late... I think people who ar late are really missing out big time.. but if a person who is late all the time makes an effort to be on time then at least the are saying that you are important.. I asked him if he's late for business meetings, appointments with his boss, with clients. He said he was. He's literally almost always late...and he NEVER has an excuse, such as random, unexpected traffic or something. It's just, "I got caught up chatting with my roommate" or something lame like that. I'm not spending $100 to ski for 3 hours by myself.
Kamille Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I asked him if he's late for business meetings, appointments with his boss, with clients. He said he was. He's literally almost always late...and he NEVER has an excuse, such as random, unexpected traffic or something. It's just, "I got caught up chatting with my roommate" or something lame like that. I'm not spending $100 to ski for 3 hours by myself. The ingrained tardiness sounds like a dealbreaker to me Star.
Nevermind Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Then go out and do something else that's fabulous and will make you feel good.
witabix Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Yes that would p me off too. I have always wondered why people think it so cute to be ditzy about time. I think its a control thing, it seems like they are trying to keep you on the wrong foot. I hate it, how hard is it to say I will be there at X o'clock? Then organise what you do to be there, it is sooooo easy, if you are busy set the time to suit you. Then stick to it. It is basic politeness in my book. People who warn me they will be late get the same reply. We set the time, and I will say I will be there until a certain time, half an hour after set time approx, if they don't show by then its off, and I go and do something else...... They only get to do this once or twice, then I just forget the whole thing. Call me.... I might be free if I feel like it.......... Usually makes a difference to how you are treated.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 The ingrained tardiness sounds like a dealbreaker to me Star. Yeah, I think so too. I was actually going to make a thread about it the other day, but thought I'd give him the opportunity to show me that he's willing and able to put in a wee bit of effort. Clearly, he's not. He even said something (jokingly, of course) about being impressed with himself for being on time to our other dates. He obviously has a serious problem with this...and I just can't deal.
Touche Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 The ingrained tardiness sounds like a dealbreaker to me Star. I'm with you on that one. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. His consistent tardiness shows a lack of respect and dare I say it, screams of narcissism. Don't you want a man who makes YOU a priority? Of course you do. That's why you must kick this one to the curb. He sounds immature and totally inconsiderate. I'd be saying..."NEXT!" And I wouldn't be wasting anger on this. I would have still gone. You can ski and meet other people. No offense, but I think you're a fool to NOT go. You're missing a good opportunity there on many levels.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Then go out and do something else that's fabulous and will make you feel good. Oh, I will! If I don't go I'll be more pissed about coming home LAST NIGHT and not going to a fun event (a private tour and private wine tasting at a private winery followed by a comedy night for charity!) so that I could be home to go up the mountain with him today. I missed out on a very fun evening for nothing!
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Yeah, like meeting a single guy at the ski resort Karma train and everything, ya know...
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Yeah, I think so too. We all have our limits.. the key is knowing them and setting up the boundaries to know when someone exceeds our limits... My wife is always 20-40 mins late to everything.. I mean everything.. She would be late to her own funeral.. I learned early on that it drove me up the wall and had a few talks with her about it.. Today she is still late sometimes but like I said earlier it is about the effort.. When my wife is late it isn't because she just woke up and isn't trying to be on time.. She genuinely tries to be on time but just messes it up..This is why it is okay for to me.. because she genuinely tries to be on time If there is an important meeting or something then i move up the time we are supposed to be there by 30 mins so she has enough time to get all the things done.. Now with a child it is even tougher to be on time.. it requires more planning...
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Yep, deal-breaker. Find someone who respects your time. People who are chronically late have no respect for others' time. That's what it boils down to. It's very selfish. Now go do something fun for yourself-go for a hike, get a mani/pedi, drink a mimosa...
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I don't mean to be a princess or anything, but seriously - I'm a busy gal! My time is valuable! My time is my currency!! He was late on Thursday, which meant not only were we late to the comedy show (we missed the first performance of three!) but I could have spent another 30 minutes at work getting sh*t done. Instead, I sat and waited for him to arrive with nothing to do.
Jilly Bean Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I'd dump him, girl. People that are habitually late like that do it for power/control. Somehow it feeds his ego and reassures him that you are very interested when he makes you wait for him, and you do it. It's insecurity. My ex (of 5 years) was ALWAYS late. This is how I know the game. After 6 months of living together, I finally learned to pad ETA's to him by a good 45 minutes. BUT, we always moved in together a week and a half after we met, so I never had to deal with him being late for dates. That would incense me to no end, were it to happen now. NEXT!
Lizzie60 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I met one guy like that once.. he was a drop-dead gorgeous guy.. played in national soccer.. I went to pick him up once.. He made me wait 45 minutes ... needless to say.. I dumped him that same night.. These jerks don't change..
johan Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 It's a habit he has. And he has it because everyone in his life tolerates it. He could change it if he was motivated to, and it's events like this that will do it. But it won't change all at once. I think you have to decide whether everything else about him is attractive enough that you can endure this. If it is, then you have about six months of this to look forward while he adjusts his way of thinking. You really have to be strong about it though, and you have to know what you want. As far as bad habits go, this is one of the easier ones to change.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I say you go without him... In my mind it seems he doesn't even want to go.. If he did he would have been there on time or at least fashionably late... I think people who ar late are really missing out big time.. but if a person who is late all the time makes an effort to be on time then at least the are saying that you are important.. Go skiing SG.. I agree with AC....he's just not that into you.
sb129 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I don't mean to be a princess or anything, but seriously - I'm a busy gal! My time is valuable! My time is my currency!! He was late on Thursday, which meant not only were we late to the comedy show (we missed the first performance of three!) but I could have spent another 30 minutes at work getting sh*t done. Instead, I sat and waited for him to arrive with nothing to do. I know the feeling! My time can be accounted for in 5 minute blocks, and there is a price on each block! I know that sounds precious, but its the nature of my work, and I guess SGs work is the same. As a result of being busy busy for so many years, I am not very good at having nothing to do (although the internet helps!!) and I also hate repeated tardiness in other people. The scenario SG has described would REALLY pee me off. I am not sure how I would handle it though- I would definitely still go skiing, and I would let him know that I was annoyed. How that would translate to future dates I am not sure though. We have a friend who we now tell that the meeting time is half an hour earlier than we plan arriving, as he is always so late, that by doing this means we usually arrive at the same time. Shouldn't have to do that though.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I know the feeling! My time can be accounted for in 5 minute blocks, and there is a price on each block! I know that sounds precious, but its the nature of my work, and I guess SGs work is the same. And I'd hate to have someone tell me that, on a Sunday, I'd have to be at her place before 7am even if I was up late till 3am with my friends. I'd show up at 11am, take it or leave it. Screw you or something. (Btw, I'm always late)
Kamille Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 And I'd hate to have someone tell me that, on a Sunday, I'd have to be at her place before 7am even if I was up late till 3am with my friends. I'd show up at 11am, take it or leave it. Screw you or something. (Btw, I'm always late) Well then, don't promise you will show up at 7. If you promise you will show up at 7, don't go out until 3 am. Simple. I have a high tolerance treshold for tardiness, because I tend to be tardy myself. Stuff like this usually doesn't faze me in the dating process because I would go skiing without him, or I would make sure to do something amazing by myself that day, and would probably lose interest in him because his actions would be telling me he doesn't have it together enough to maintain the kind of relationship I want. The guy lost points.
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