Lizzie60 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I was wondering about something.. I don't know your story thouroughly.. but I was wondering.. was she drinking when you met her..
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I was wondering about something.. I don't know your story thouroughly.. but I was wondering.. was she drinking when you met her.. The answer is, yes, but so was I. The difference became functional vs. non-functional. We were both functional during the five years we knew one another before we married and for the first six years after. Her drinking started getting out-of-hand after she retired five years ago. For awhile I took the attitude of, "If you can't beat them, join them." That accomplished nothing and merely exacerbated to problem. Therefore I stopped. I would not bring liquor into the house. It didn't matter. She'd go out and get it while I was at work. It became a huge issue and what's happening now is a last-ditch effort to save her and our marriage.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 probably believes that southern hospitality is something Hollywood dreamt up...I know better. It's real.
silktricks Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Wow - I've been gone awhile and missed a bunch! I'm glad your wife's doing the "cure"... hope it works for both your sakes. Where are you moving, and why, oh yeah - and when.... Your wife doesn't want to move????? and why are you so adamant that you want to? Do you think the incipient move really does have anything to do with her drinking too much?
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Where are you moving, and why, oh yeah - and when.... Your wife doesn't want to move????? and why are you so adamant that you want to? Do you think the incipient move really does have anything to do with her drinking too much? I have always said that when i retire it will be ABC -- Anywhere But California. The state is too costly, too crowded, too broke, too liberal, too taxed, too regulated, over-lawed, ungovernable and as a caucasian I'm a minority in my own state in which I was born and raised. My wife has always, in the past, said she'd follow me anywhere and I told her I'd be moving upon retirement before we married. She was fine with it. Now I suspect her resolve is waning and when the time comes she may not be willing to move. Both her daughters and all her grandchildren live here. In contrast, my children and grandchildren live in three states and a number of different communities. I plan to move to the south-eastern U.S. -- back to America! I've lived in Alabama, twice in North Carolina, Kentucky, Georgia, twice in Virginia, Minnesota, twice in Texas. My wife has lived in Arkansas and Florida. We've seen enough of the country to be able to compare other places to where we are now. Having lost half my retirement funds 14 years ago in divorce I have to go somewhere with a lower cost of living to maximize what I have left and to buy a house -- something my wife and I were priced out if when we married. We had a choice to be house poor or have a decent lifestyle and we chose the latter. Thankfully we've saved and invested wisely so we'll be more than able to buy elsewhere and we'll also get 10 times the house and property we would here and for half the cost. So there's the where and the why. The when is next year when I retire. The drinking started long before we met. I don't think it's gotten worse because of the pending move.
2sunny Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 doesn't really matter the why or how it got worse at this point... it only matters that she have an open mind and a willingness to stay sober. i have a really good feeling that things are going to work out for you both C=Lion. try not to worry - it is up to her.
silktricks Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I have always said that when i retire it will be ABC -- Anywhere But California. The state is too costly, too crowded, too broke, too liberal, too taxed, too regulated, over-lawed, ungovernable and as a caucasian I'm a minority in my own state in which I was born and raised. My wife has always, in the past, said she'd follow me anywhere and I told her I'd be moving upon retirement before we married. She was fine with it. Now I suspect her resolve is waning and when the time comes she may not be willing to move. Both her daughters and all her grandchildren live here. In contrast, my children and grandchildren live in three states and a number of different communities. I plan to move to the south-eastern U.S. -- back to America! I've lived in Alabama, twice in North Carolina, Kentucky, Georgia, twice in Virginia, Minnesota, twice in Texas. My wife has lived in Arkansas and Florida. We've seen enough of the country to be able to compare other places to where we are now. Having lost half my retirement funds 14 years ago in divorce I have to go somewhere with a lower cost of living to maximize what I have left and to buy a house -- something my wife and I were priced out if when we married. We had a choice to be house poor or have a decent lifestyle and we chose the latter. Thankfully we've saved and invested wisely so we'll be more than able to buy elsewhere and we'll also get 10 times the house and property we would here and for half the cost. So there's the where and the why. The when is next year when I retire. The drinking started long before we met. I don't think it's gotten worse because of the pending move. :) Thanks!! I REALLY understand the moving to be where it's less expensive - and I've got to admit that as retirement encroaches the idea of living a less costly life is VERY attractive. My H however, is the one who really doesn't want to move. His primary hobby requires that we remain in our current state - and fairly close to our current location.... (and his family is here as well). As I can pursue my hobbies no matter where we live, I don't care nearly as much - but as my grandbabies are in this state - I'm not as pushy about wanting to make a large relocation even though I am well aware of the fact that many facets of my life would be better elsewhere. The cost is definitely high here. If your wife was drinking before your marriage, then, as you say, it's doubtful that the increase is due to the incipient move - maybe she'll discover more about it while in the program. best of luck!!
OldEurope Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 ....No! To northern Italy with you, C-Tiger ...I've got the candlelight, the Tuscan cuisine on the stove, the first editions of Ovid and Dante--those die hard romantics--open to just the right chapters to read to you! ....Okay, okay I am spoken for......But the Italian ladies are so nice! And old fashioned values as well! And really, "despite all", pro-USA! Don't leave us in the cold out here! We'd love a trans-Atlantic Curm! xo OE
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 ....No! To northern Italy with you, C-Tiger ...I've got the candlelight, the Tuscan cuisine on the stove, the first editions of Ovid and Dante--those die hard romantics--open to just the right chapters to read to you! ....Okay, okay I am spoken for......But the Italian ladies are so nice! And old fashioned values as well! And really, "despite all", pro-USA! Don't leave us in the cold out here! We'd love a trans-Atlantic Curm! xo OE ...even if you are already spoken for. I could possibly do northern Italy, depending on what the rate of exchange ends up being. I'd most likely have to live frugally, though. But that's not a bad thing!
OldEurope Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 What's nice out here is that even without big $ one can live very well. Its about the natural beauty and the way of life which has a sensual aspect to it. Food is a celebration, music is everywhere, apartments are bigger for less (relatively speaking) and you're not spending $50 or $100 a month on cable-tv or idiotic movies or what have you because you are just going about studying things, architecture, nature... Also--wine is cheaper The exchange rate is truly annoying at the moment, but some of us expats are hoping for a turn-around..and hoping for the best! So if not those southern belles, then y'all come over here to southern Europe! (((Curm))) xo OE
2sunny Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Also--wine is cheaper :laugh C=Lion doesn't drink OE
Milan721 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I don't know the whole situation, but I wish you the best. It takes unlimited reserves of strength and compassion to be committed to someone with addiction problems - which it seems you have.
OldEurope Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 C=Lion doesn't drink OE Well, then we're just down to opera, rolling countryside, beautiful broken down villas, laughter at dinner and other feasts for the senses...He'll fit in perfectly....! xoxo OE
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 C=Lion CAN'T drink. He likes it too much so he has to steer clear of it. Although he was always a functional drinker, not missing work, no DUIs, etc. it's just not good for him.
littlekitty Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Glad to hear things are moving along well for you C. Do you think the fact that you understand her addication makes you more tolerate?
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Glad to hear things are moving along well for you C. Do you think the fact that you understand her addication makes you more tolerate? I understand both the addiction and the co-occuring mental disorder she also has to deal with. I'm the one who disgnosed it seven years ago after we'd been married for four years and I'd been able to observe cyclic behavior. So while my understanding certainly doesn't hurt, I think that's secondary to the fact that I love my wife. We were friends for five years before I finally asked her out and I have always valued her and having her in my life. Even during the worst of times I cherish her. Now that does not mean I wouldn't leave the marriage for my own self-preservation but I'd have to become absolutely hopeless first and that has yet to happen. This time came close but she agreed to enter into treatment and that's a measure of her character and her caring for me and the marriage. I'm very hopeful!
littlekitty Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I understand both the addiction and the co-occuring mental disorder she also has to deal with. I'm the one who disgnosed it seven years ago after we'd been married for four years and I'd been able to observe cyclic behavior. So while my understanding certainly doesn't hurt, I think that's secondary to the fact that I love my wife. We were friends for five years before I finally asked her out and I have always valued her and having her in my life. Even during the worst of times I cherish her. Now that does not mean I wouldn't leave the marriage for my own self-preservation but I'd have to become absolutely hopeless first and that has yet to happen. This time came close but she agreed to enter into treatment and that's a measure of her character and her caring for me and the marriage. I'm very hopeful! Your love for you wife always shows in your posts. It always makes me smile. Real love and affection from the heart. You really are a lion among men!
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Your love for you wife always shows in your posts. It always makes me smile. Real love and affection from the heart. You really are a lion among men! Loving her is the easy part. I waited 50 years for her. It's living with her that's the challenge.
TechDude Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Loving her is the easy part. I waited 50 years for her. It's living with her that's the challenge. I think I know what you mean. I love my wife. I don't want anyone else, despite her suggestions that someone else might better meet my desire for physical closeness. How are things progressing with your W, Curmudgeon? My W is back in hospital. I'm finding it hard to call and talk to her. She commented on this today. For starters, I'm either busy or tired from being busy. When I do talk to her, it is difficult to talk. I don't want to tell her about any of the problems at home as this just makes her feel guilty for not being there. The trouble is, the issues at home and at work are what is occupying my mind most of the time. I can't talk with my W about these, I can't talk with her about how I'm feeling. Easier just not to talk. Keeping busy is good. It keeps me from missing the physical closeness that I crave. Who am I kidding? It doesn't really stop me from thinking about it, I just think less about it. Anyway, took her out for coffee today. I managed to find a few "neutral" things to talk about. We'll do coffee again tomorrow - hopefully I can find enough to keep the conversation going and avoid my own feelings (and a few other hassles with the kids at the moment).
Author Curmudgeon Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 I think I know what you mean. I love my wife. I don't want anyone else, despite her suggestions that someone else might better meet my desire for physical closeness. How are things progressing with your W, Curmudgeon? My W is back in hospital. I'm finding it hard to call and talk to her. She commented on this today. For starters, I'm either busy or tired from being busy. When I do talk to her, it is difficult to talk. I don't want to tell her about any of the problems at home as this just makes her feel guilty for not being there. The trouble is, the issues at home and at work are what is occupying my mind most of the time. I can't talk with my W about these, I can't talk with her about how I'm feeling. Easier just not to talk. Keeping busy is good. It keeps me from missing the physical closeness that I crave. Who am I kidding? It doesn't really stop me from thinking about it, I just think less about it. Anyway, took her out for coffee today. I managed to find a few "neutral" things to talk about. We'll do coffee again tomorrow - hopefully I can find enough to keep the conversation going and avoid my own feelings (and a few other hassles with the kids at the moment). Conversation doesn't always come easily over the phone because she usually doesn't have much time to talk. We can generally see one another for two hours Saturday and Sunday afternoon at a park and we spend an hour and a half together one evening a week at a group meeting but that's it. Yesterday we copuldn't see one another and she couldn't call or receive calls all week until last night because some of the women weren't following the rules so they put the whole house on blackout. My wife is onem of the few there voluntarily and she's finding the others quite interesting. It's a whole new experience for her. She's already decided to spend 60 days there rather than just 30 and I think that's a sound decision. Thankfully,in two weeks she can start coming home on the weekends from 9:00 a.m. on Saturday until 4:00 p.m. on Sunday. That will give us a chance to see how we relate to one another while she's sober. It sounds to me like you're doing things right, TD. Best of luck to you and your wife!
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