Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 It's been 10 days since my wife entered the residential treatment program. I get to see her Saturday and Sunday for two hours at a nearby park and for an hour and a half, once a week, during a codependency group meeting. She's doing well, looks healthier and is more hopeful than I've seen her before. Her counselor brought out a salient point. Once she returns home the trick is going to be relating to one another in sobriety and learning how to do so. She also thinks she should stay for 60 days rather than just 30. My wife asked me how I felt about that. I think she was "fishing" for whether or not I'd still be there and supportive. I told her that I was fine with it so long as it helped her because that would ultimately help us. Being in this program has really been an eye-opener for my wife. This is not one of those upscale, designer programs a la Paris Hilton, Britney, et al. It's down-to-earth, nitty-gritty and REAL. Many of the women have been placed there by parole and probation and have spent time in prison or jail. Most have police records. It's a humbling experience, but enlightening in a "There but for the grace of God go I" kind of way. Interestingly enough it's also opened her eyes to where I still was to a degree when we married in terms of my experiences in law enforcement and the affects all those years in that environment had on me. This experience has also given my wife a real appreciation for just how "old-fashioned" and "establishment" I am. But for a handful like her who self-admitted outside of the criminal justice system, she's seeing the reality that most have no responsible, stable, committed and truly loving relationships in their lives that they can rely on while she most certainly does, should she choose to do so. In the final analysis, I suppose that when all of this is done and over with, we could easily come to the conclusion that we're just not right for one another after all and the past dozen years have been a mistake, although one filled with some great memories. Quite frankly, that would be OK too. Better to preserve and remember what was good while parting amicably and without rancor or finger-pointing. After all, however this all turns out just will be what it will be. I'll keep you posted. On a somewhat humorous note, during an AA meeting yesterday morning, she ran across a former boss she'd worked for in the past (15 years ago) for about 10 years. He didn't even recognize her. It's a small world after all.
TechDude Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Thanks for the post. It is encouraging to see some form of improvement. That is something I'm still looking for in my situation. Obviously, you are under no illusion that it is going to be easy once your W comes home. When she does come home, I hope you guys are in a position enjoy doing things together, You seem somewhat ambivalent about what happens in the future. I must admit that I'm starting to find myself thinking more this way with time. I'm not sure whether it is an "acceptance of reality" or a case too hurt and/or tired for too long that you don't have the energy to care any more. Does you W being away place additional stress on you, or give you the opportunity to relax? Will you have the energy to deal with relationship building when your W does come home? (Thanks also for your participation on this forum, I do enjoy reading your posts.)
2sunny Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (((((hugs)))) C=Lion don't try to look ahead just yet - she still has a lot of work ahead of her. i understand your feelings of being anxious to know what is ahead for both of you and your marriage. time will allow you to be clear of what the future holds.... any attempt to "push" her either way will be futile for your marriage. one day at a time... xo
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I suppose that when all of this is done and over with, we could easily come to the conclusion that we're just not right for one another after all and the past dozen years have been a mistake, although one filled with some great memories. Nah. I think she'll value you more than ever, especially after seeing what the women there are going through. I think the root problem of all of this is that she doesn't want to move away and is mad at you. So she's been sabotaging the relationship by not cleaning and being the perfect wife, because she resents you. And has been drinking because of that too. You are putting her between a rock and a hard place, Curm.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 You are putting her between a rock and a hard place, Curm. The moving away scenario was from the beginning, and always has been a non-negotiable issue. She knew that from day-one. If I have nothing else I have the p[ower of my convictions. As for putting her under stress, she'll be the first to admit that SHE is responsible for her choices and behaviors, not me, just as I'm wholly responsible for mine.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 (((((hugs)))) C=Lion don't try to look ahead just yet - she still has a lot of work ahead of her. i understand your feelings of being anxious to know what is ahead for both of you and your marriage. time will allow you to be clear of what the future holds.... any attempt to "push" her either way will be futile for your marriage. one day at a time... xo Thanks for being there, 2sunny. I know. Let her procede at her own speed. But it ain't easy!
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Does you W being away place additional stress on you, or give you the opportunity to relax? Will you have the energy to deal with relationship building when your W does come home? (Thanks also for your participation on this forum, I do enjoy reading your posts.) Just waiting to see what will come of all of this. Actually, my wife being away has lifted tons of stress from my shoulders. At least now I know what I'm coming home to every night. Before it was a crap-shoot and it usually turned out unpleasant. I'll have plenty of energy! She'll be the key to where we go from here, if at all.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 The moving away...always has been a non-negotiable issue. She knew that from day-one...I have the power of my convictions. Yes, but the day is getting closer and those are the results. She's too messed up to deal with all that. What about Carlsbad, Encinitas, Chula Vista, or something... Nothing? And you'll be in your lot, with the birds and the trees, who cares about the Mexicans. They are friendly people anyway.
Touche Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I think you have a very realistic and healthy attitude about it all. You're there and supportive but at the same time, you're realistic and prepared for a worst case scenario. Keep hanging in there, Curm! You'll be fine no matter what happens.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Btw, Sounds to me like she loves you, is doing all of that for you, too. And has a good attitude. It'd be a shame really to break up. Just go to Savannah or Charleston for vacation.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Yes, but the day is getting closer and those are the results. She's too messed up to deal with all that. What about Carlsbad, Encinitas, Chula Vista, or something... Nothing? And you'll be in your lot, with the birds and the trees, who cares about the Mexicans. They are friendly people anyway. Moving away in 16 months. That's final. Either do it alone or we do it together. Either she pulls herself together between then and now or she doesn't. That's all!
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Btw, Sounds to me like she loves you, is doing all of that for you, too. And has a good attitude. It'd be a shame really to break up. Just go to Savannah or Charleston for vacation. She'd better be doing this for herself because that's the only way it will work and last.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I think you have a very realistic and healthy attitude about it all. You're there and supportive but at the same time, you're realistic and prepared for a worst case scenario. Keep hanging in there, Curm! You'll be fine no matter what happens. I think I'm getting too old for all of this. Becoming a recluse is beginning to look good.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Moving away in 16 months. That's final. Either do it alone or we do it together. Either she pulls herself together between then and now or she doesn't. That's all! You stubborn old man. You are going to be all lonely there, and the neighbors are going to suck. Besides, look at the advantages. Nearby you'll get gardners for cheap, and nannies for cheap too for when you are old.
Touche Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I think I'm getting too old for all of this. Becoming a recluse is beginning to look good. Old, shmold. Stop it! You can still have a full life and there's no reason in the world why you should become a recluse. You'll have time (with our without your wife) to pursue any hobbies you have, travel, etc. etc.
Touche Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You stubborn old man. You are going to be all lonely there, and the neighbors are going to suck. Besides, look at the advantages. Nearby you'll get gardners for cheap, and nannies for cheap too for when you are old. You crack me up, Ariadne! What if the neighbor is really, really nice? :laugh:
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 How about without her I simply pursue beautiful women in the deep South? But you're right. I'll be fine either way.
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 How about without her I simply pursue beautiful women in the deep South? But you're right. I'll be fine either way. Those Southern Belles are going to take away all your money and you are not going to know what happened..
Touche Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 How about without her I simply pursue beautiful women in the deep South? But you're right. I'll be fine either way. You? A recluse? HA! You're such a big flirt. Never happen.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 You stubborn old man. You are going to be all lonely there, and the neighbors are going to suck. Besides, look at the advantages. Nearby you'll get gardners for cheap, and nannies for cheap too for when you are old. Don't need gardeners in the piney woods. Don't have children who need a nanny. If you're referring to me needing one that's fine. Just as long as she's young, lovely and hot! To be serious for a moment, neighbors in the south will be far more friendly than they are here and as long as I can enjoy my own company I'll never be lonely. Besides, I figure you'll track me down and join me.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Those Southern Belles are going to take away all your money and you are not going to know what happened.. But I'll certainly enjoy being ignorant first!
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Don't need gardeners in the piney woods. Don't have children who need a nanny. If you're referring to me needing one that's fine. Just as long as she's young, lovely and hot! To be serious for a moment, neighbors in the south will be far more friendly than they are here and as long as I can enjoy my own company I'll never be lonely. Besides, I figure you'll track me down and join me. Well, housekeepers or whatever you call them. Yeah, trade your wife and family for the "friendly neighbors in the South." Yikes!
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 You crack me up, Ariadne! What if the neighbor is really, really nice? :laugh: Yeah! Like what if I move into your neighborhood? Ariadne probably believes that southern hospitality is something Hollywood dreamt up for old movies. I know better. It's real.
Author Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Well, housekeepers or whatever you call them. Yeah, trade your wife and family for the "friendly neighbors in the South." Yikes! It's not a trade. If it comes to that it's merely me having the power of my convictions that I've held and been very upfront about for a dozen years. As I've said before, if it comes to that she'll be welcome to join me at any time because I will not take on another relationship. Of course, that could be dependent upon whether or not you decide to join me instead!
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