brenda collins Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Right, so the situation is, I am a 22 year old girl and have been friends with this guy since I was 11. We dated briefly when we were twelve, of course that constituted of one or two kisses and a trip to the movies! Since then we have remained good friends. We are in the same group of friends as well I should add. Recently are friendship has developed and we are closer than ever. We have just booked a holiday in the summer which him and a few others in our group are coming too. We have been spending a lot of time together on a one on one basis. Unfortuantly during these recent times of spending time together, I kind of realized that maybe I feel more for him than just a friendship. However, I deided to keep these feelings hidden and tried to put them to the back of my mind... This weekend however, everything changed. My friend was having people over, so I invited him and our other friend. It was a very drunken night. He was very flirty with me and by the end of the night I was sitting on his lap and we were being quite touchy feely. When it was time to leave he suggested that I come back to his and we smoked a spliff and chatted, he said i could stay at his and he would drop me home in the morning... Weirdly enough he didn't invite our other friend, who shared a cab home with us. Anyway, we went up to his room, smoked and chatted, he didn't even suggest that I sleep in a different room. That night was the weirdest situation, we hugged and spooned all night and were v affectionate but nothing actually happened. I should add here most importantly that he has a girlfriend who he has been with for two years, she is away on a placement for six months however. So he hasnt had much contact with her recently. he adores her however. I ended up spending the whole of the following day there just watching movies etc.. nothing was spoken of of our cuddling the night before. However, when i went home I started to wonder what was going on between us. Do friends sleep in the same bed and cuddle. Was this wrong of us since he has a serious girl friend. what the hell should i do? To make matters worse oher people notice that there might be something between us. our other best friend told us to get a room that night, and the last thing I heard from this guy was that he was having a masive fight with his mum, because she accused him of cheating on his girl friend with me. even weirder cause his mum knows we have been friends for ages! I am so confused as to what is going on, and plus now am starting to feel guilty and like peple think there is something going on with us... xxxxxxxx
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Do friends sleep in the same bed and cuddle. I have never had that experience with any of my platonic female friends What do you want with this guy? Both your inhibitions were lowered, hence I believe you have some sort of mutual attraction. I'd say to see what happens when you're both sober and talk about the result. He really needs to respect his LTR and talk to his GF if there's something going on. I'm not going to say to stay away from him because at 22 I know that's stupid talk
Tony T Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 1. Do friends sleep in the same bed and cuddle? Not under normal circumstances but it can happen. However, it's almost unheard of with a guy who has a girlfriend. 2. Was this wrong of us since he has a serious girl friend? It depends on who you ask. He probably thought it was wrong but he's holding out hope that his "serious" girlfriend doesn't find out. His girlfriend would be pretty angry and probably break up with him if she found out. In any case she would be extremely hurt. Then again, if she's extremely understanding she would understand that while she's away he's lonely and may as well use one of his friends to temporarily fill a vacuum. 3. what the hell should i do? Think about it. If you ever began a relationship with this guy would you ever trust him? How would you feel right now if you were in his girlfriend's shoes, knowing what you know? Is this a guy you would trust out late at night one or two days a week "with the boys." 4. To make matters worse other people notice that there might be something between us. That's really sweet. I think you need to have a real quick and honest talk with this guy and ask him just what his intentions are. It sounds like he's just very fond of you as a friend and needing some affection while his gal is away. If there was more, I think he would have discussed it with you by now. Have a talk and have it soon. Don't hold anything back. Be sure you listen to him closely because his honesty can be called into question. Just because you've known this guy for a very long time doesn't mean he's not a user, loser, abuser and a piece of crap. You've just grown to accept him as he is and up to now you've known him ONLY as a friend. You have only a little idea of how he treats women he dates and that small picture isn't very pretty.
realist Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Listen Brenda, you seem to think the whole world is against you. your problem is that you think too much of your self..."I am beautiful, intellegent etc" you must be the centre of the universe, by the looks of your messages. You are another example of naive, little girls, pretending to be the dogs bollocks in society... you think that you are above the rules and the sooner you sit down and realise that its not all about you and every body has problems and yours are simply ridculous. I bet you live in an amazing house in a beautiful suburban area - think about what you have going for yourself and rather than wasting time on this stupid site, get out and gain experiance in life rather than asking fellow naive people for unhelpful, idiotic advise!!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Go back and read all the threads you started. Read them well. I should add here most importantly that he has a girlfriend who he has been with for two years...he adores her I think you will see that getting involved with this guy is repeating a pattern for you, and will not make things any better. Do you want things to be better for you, and find a man who will give you the relationship you want and need? Then step back away from dating for a while. Look at the past relationships you have had and take a good close look at them. The one thing they have in common is that you are continue to choose men who can't and won't give you what you need. That isn't their problem: it is yours. Try to figure out why you are attracted to these types of relationships, get to the bottom of the issue, and get your emotional state in a healthier place. Then you will be ready to date, and hopefully stop looking for love in all the wrong places. You'll be much happier in the long run for it.
Author brenda collins Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 ok yes I have to admit that all of this may sound v over the top and dramatic. If you have read my other threads you will see that over the last few weeks, it has just been drama after drama regarding my love life. I dont think its fair to say that I sound like I live in an amazing house in an amazing area, and that everyone has problems. cause even though that might be the case, these are what my problems are, and I have every right to ask for advice. I do realize that I go for men that are un available to me, I just dont understand why it keeps happening. I ended all contact with eight month and still dont know whats going on guy, which was a good descion, and now I seem to be involved in an even worse situation. Do u reckon I should just carry on being really good friends with this guy and not mention anything about if there is more to us than just a friendship. I think maybe sometimes things only become a big deal, when u bring them up. Maybe i should just pretend nothing happened. Thats what he seems to be doing. I just feel so guilty and dont know how I will cope if I ever see his girlfriend. Even though we just cuddled, we still slept in the same bed and I know that is wrong. Also, i am very worried about our holiday, two weeks together, when his girlfriend wont be there? I dont know how to deal with or if i should not even deal with it.
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You're in charge of yourself. If you don't want to go on the vacation, don't go. If you want to go and don't want to be the OW in this guy's relationship, don't be her. If you do, do that. If you want a genuine relationship with him, talk to him about what's going on with his relationship and where you fit it in. Probably doesn't sound like a typical dad, but I'm old enough to be yours so there
realist Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Men don't play hard to get... it is obvious if someones likes you, if you both mutually like each other, it's his decision (with a girlfriend) whether or not to take it further. You may be just feeling like this because you have nothing else, everything else has gone down the drain and you want a sense of security, so you turn to an old friend and decide you love him. Love dosn't come in phases, if you really like him you would have found yourself falling for him when you were in solid relationships, when things were going well for you, not when you are at the bottom of a **** heap, trying to claw yourelf into happiness again, believing that you need a relationship to be happy... think have I always had strong feelings for him?, or is he a simple gimic of a loanly girl...
Little Shy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Brenda, What are you doing? Why this self inflicted torture? I think this good friend of your feels very comfortable with you, and yes, he's probably attracted to you. However, he has a girlfriend that he "adores". She is away, he is lonesome & being a bit naughty, (my opinion on him sleeping/cuddling with you). Likely when she returns, he will resume with her, and everyone will feel really akward around each other. Do you like drama? And another thing, you just made a substantial deposit in the Negative Karma Piggy Bank. That is, by spending the night with someone else's boyfriend. And yes, it was wrong. I hope that you can live your live without being cheated on in your relationships. But, if you are, maybe you can reflect back on this decision, and ask yourself if you always behaved perfectly. If every woman would just take the responsibility of NOT messing around with guys in committed relationships, then cheating would hardly exist. You are being selfish & inconsiderate right now, and likely you will end up hurt from it anyway. Sorry, but having been cheated on by boyfriends myself, I can hardly correctly advise, or sympathize with the woman that tries to steal another woman's man. Best advice I can muster: Go find a man who isn't taken.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Men don't play hard to get... it is obvious if someones likes you, if you both mutually like each other, it's his decision (with a girlfriend) whether or not to take it further. You may be just feeling like this because you have nothing else, everything else has gone down the drain and you want a sense of security, so you turn to an old friend and decide you love him. Love dosn't come in phases, if you really like him you would have found yourself falling for him when you were in solid relationships, when things were going well for you, not when you are at the bottom of a **** heap, trying to claw yourelf into happiness again, believing that you need a relationship to be happy... think have I always had strong feelings for him?, or is he a simple gimic of a loanly girl... Realist has hit the major issue here. Brenda, I've been following your past threads, and there's something I have to say about your behaviour. You have a tendency to fall in love too easily with any men that give you a little bit of attention (i.e. eight month guy) and you misinterpret it as something more, so that you persistently pursue an unwelcome relationship with them. Especially when they're unavailable you try to shift the blame to them for flirting in the first place. Please take a step back from all the emotional drama and ask yourself what is it you truly want? Most likely it isn't your best friend. Why do you think you want to pursue a relationship with him? Are you sure that you truly love him enough to steal him away from his girlfriend? Remember that the both of you were intoxicated and alcohol had hindered your inhibitions.
Author brenda collins Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I am not trying to steal him away from his gf. I dont want to be in a relationship with my friend, as i dont think it would work and i would not want to lose him as a friend, I dont feel its worth the risk. I just dont know what to do as we both obviously are attracted to each other. I dont know how to deal with the situation. How can we remain friends when there is attraction between us.
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Be honest with him and talk about it. This a great example of how your feelings are valid and your behaviors must match the situation and your moral code. You can be attracted to each other and not act on it. Have you met his GF? If yes, how is your relationship with her?
Little Shy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I am not trying to steal him away from his gf. I dont want to be in a relationship with my friend, as i dont think it would work and i would not want to lose him as a friend, I dont feel its worth the risk. I just dont know what to do as we both obviously are attracted to each other. I dont know how to deal with the situation. How can we remain friends when there is attraction between us. Maintain a little self control. You are not even head over heals for him (not like that would make much difference) and you still crossed the line with a guy who has a girlfriend. It's not as if this is up to the powers of the universe, and you have no control of your own actions or this situation. You have a free will, hopefully you will exercise it to make the right decision. Plenty of people are attracted to their friends and do not act on it. Attraction to opposite sex friends is part of life. If you can't learn to control your actions in this type of situation now, you will find yourself in many awkward situations in life, and likely leave a trail of destroyed friendships/relationships in your wake.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I am not trying to steal him away from his gf. I dont want to be in a relationship with my friend, as i dont think it would work and i would not want to lose him as a friend, I dont feel its worth the risk. I just dont know what to do as we both obviously are attracted to each other. I dont know how to deal with the situation. How can we remain friends when there is attraction between us. The best thing you can do is draw boundaries for yourself. The whole cuddling and sleeping with him was a mistake, be glad that nothing more came of it.
Author brenda collins Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 yes I have met his girlfriend, and she is lovely. But I am not very good friends with her. I could be completely wrong, but at the moment I do feel like I have deep feelings for my friend. Unfortunately the events of the weekend, have made me feel even stronger. These feelings have not just come out of nowhere, i have always felt them, i just tried to forget about them as we both have never been available to be with one another. After the events of the weekend, i cant help but wonder if there is more to us than just a friendship? I am finding it hard to put these feelings to the back of my head, but I know that I have to, I just dont know how. I am seeing him tomo night, at a friends party and I have a feeling its gonna be hard...!
dreamergrl Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I'm confused - you posted about several men who do not wish to be in a relationship with you. You stick with the same men. Why why why don't you do some self reflecting, figure out the type of man you want, and start fresh!
Author brenda collins Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I just always seem to fall for the ones who are unavailable. I dont do it on purpose, thats just what happens. Or its just that no one wants me.
Legend Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I was kind of in a similar situation. Me and a friend that was a chick slept in the same bed 2-3 times, nothing happened. When I tried to talk about it, got the 'just friends' deal. So not really sure. The entire thing still confuses me.
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