lexuswht Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) Hi all, Just wanted some advise on this situation. I am sorry this will be so long. Ok, I seperated twice with husband. Both times for someone else. This I totally accept blame for. These were two hudge mistakes on my part, but I was tired of not having anything because of his financial responsibilities for his two children from a previous marrage. I resented his children and he left me at one point to go back to first wife to be with his children (he says not the case). But I feel that was the reason he left our apartment and moved back in with first wife. He and I have a child together also. We split again for about a year for the 2nd time a few years ago. While still trying to get back with me he maintained his purity in that he hadn't been with anyone. I left the state for 3 months and came back. After talking H and I agreed to try again. After his demands of absolute truth I told him of my experiences and he said that he had a relationship with one person (a lie). Now to current time: I look around the house for a cord that he had yelled at me for misplacing and come across paternity papers hidden in a computer bag for him. He lies and tells me he dosen't know who the OW? (not really OW we were seperated) H stated that this is a bar WH$#& that slept with him after 2 hours at a bar when he was wasted. Says he was two drunk to remember who she was or what she looked like. He does in fact remember buying a 75 cent comdom from the bathroom and using it. Later that day i look at the papers closer and discover that this bar trash woman has in fact been around our son and in his house. Not only did H hide info he lied about who she was. H states that they had a mutual friend and one day he went over to this friends pool to swim and this chick was there. H didn't remember sleeping with her and invited her over to his house for dinner with the kids. This happened a 2nd time about a week later. It wasn't untill after this 2nd time hanging out with all her kids from differnt daddy's and H kids that she told him on the phone that they had slept together and she loved him and wanted to marry him. After this he blocked her(this I verified with phone company). So I am to believe that this chick came over with her at the time 3 kids and hung out and he A) didn't recognize her and or B) she didn't say anything about it. So he is more than likely the father of this thing and stuck paying for it for 18 years and putting us even more in debt. I feel like this is something he should have mentioned b4 we got back together and of course when he got served papers. He lied about how many people he was with and lied about her. After a few days he finally said that one of her "guy" friend came op to him in a bar and told him she was pregnant with his kid. He never heard from her so he stuck his head in the sand and "forgot" about it. He says he wants nothing to do with this child, he has no feeling for it bacause the mother is "psyco" and he felt nothing for her. Part of me is happy that he wants nothing to do with it bacuase I have a hard enough time dealing with his first two kids. I don't want a constant reminder of a mistake he made while being drunk. But part of me is mad that this child will not have a father. He wants to have morde kids with me, but I will always think of how he left that kid high and dry and how could he have slept with that. Not to mention if I have another boy I will be angry with him for wasting the sperm on that and having a girl. From what I can tell he has had no contact with this woman and has no desire to. I was according to him a drunken mistake. She now has four children from four different men. It seems to me like she was trying to get knocked up to keep the men in her life. For her to tell him she loved him and wanted to marry him after 2 weeks is jsut psyco! PLEASE HELP!!! I AM SO ANGRY WITH HIM. HOW COULD HE BE SO STUPID!!! Any suggestions on how to cope with this? Edited March 30, 2008 by lexuswht
Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 PLEASE HELP!!! I AM SO ANGRY WITH HIM. HOW COULD HE BE SO STUPID!!! Any suggestions on how to cope with this? I think the two of you are a disaster. You've both "toyed" with your marriage, gone outside of it, he's been a sperm donor elsewhere and you're just lucky you haven't ended up being merely an egg donor for another man just like the one you're married to. From what I can tell, neither of you has bragging rights to love, responsibility and commitment. You will not be able to preserve this roller coaster of a marriage without some heavy duty counseling, if even that will save it. Do you really want to stay married? If so, why? How to cope? Get thee to a therapist!
Author lexuswht Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 We don't have insurance and since he has not had a job in the past few months MC is way out of our price range. I do want to stay married to him I love him and we have worked things out before. I just can't handel another 10% comming out of his pittley pay check because he got duped by some bar Wh#$e. Not to mention the reminder for the rest of my life.
Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I just can't handel another 10% comming out of his pittley pay check because he got duped by some bar Wh#$e. Not to mention the reminder for the rest of my life. Sorry, my dear, he didn't get duped. He was just as much of a bar whore as she was. He gave it up. It wasn't forced upon him. Think about it. If you're going to resent the fact of the child and the cost for the rest of your life then you're going to resent your husband for the rest of your life. To what end? Life's too short to live in perpetual frustration and resentment.
LadyInsanity Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Sorry, my dear, he didn't get duped. He was just as much of a bar whore as she was. He gave it up. It wasn't forced upon him. Think about it. If you're going to resent the fact of the child and the cost for the rest of your life then you're going to resent your husband for the rest of your life. To what end? Life's too short to live in perpetual frustration and resentment. I agree. The kids don't deserve to live in resentment, and you've already admitted to that...to stay in this would be selfish on your part....you're both obviously easily swayed to cheat.
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Any suggestions on how to cope with this? Take your child and be alone for awhile. Figure out a way. Friends/family whatever. Go on welfare. Get some IC. You'll never fix yourself or your attachment style in a relationship. You can't help your husband. He has to help himself. You can't save him. Give it up. IMO, there is nothing going on here that has anything to do with love....
Author lexuswht Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Here is another question i have. Why is it just the mothers decision to have the child. The man has no say in what happens. He had said to the person that informed him she as pregnant that he didn't want the child and had no means to support it, and she should either give it up for adoption. Why can only the woman make this call. Why do men get forced into fatherhood?
Siciliana Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 That "thing" is a child. You sound like an entirely selfish person. How could you resent children for needing to be supported by their father? 1. Divorce that man so that his kids no longer suffer from your resentment. 2. Get your tubes tied so you don't make any more. 3. Seek some couseling.
carhill Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Why do men get forced into fatherhood? They don't. They know that probability/possibility every time they choose to have intercourse or genital contact. Life is about choice.
TMCM Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 If the roles were reversed, how would you want your husband to handle a child of yours fathered by one of your lovers? Can find your own honest answer by switching places with your husband?
Author lexuswht Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Thank you to those suck as curmudgeon, those who actually offered advice. I do not still resent his first two children I have a health relationship with both of them. I love both of them. I am a wonderfull mother to my son and a wonderfull step parent to his first two now after years of work and effort. What I resented was the fact that my son had to do with out due to his payments to his ex. For those of you that decided to bash me for actually voicing my feelings on the subject and not writing the politacally correct thing read the following. The following was posted at the beginning of this forum. Hi everyone, I want to comment on a pattern I have noticed in some discussions here on LoveShack.org, especially those pertaining to relationships that involve infidelity. LoveShack.org is an open community dedicated to providing advice and support for people with interpersonal relationship problems. As such, the community welcomes all views that are offered with a sincere wish to help. People have different styles, and different ideas about a given situation. Sarcasm, constructive criticism, and even respectfully voiced disapproval can all be appropriate -- provided they are employed with the intent of being helpful by providing insight or a different perspective that will help the poster with his or her dilemma. However I've noticed that frequently in some discussions members respond to a post in order to voice their own emotions about a similar issue that they are involved in, or to validate their own feelings and choices, or even in some cases to simply berate, mock, or derogate the poster. This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with cheating partners, or who are themselves cheating on their partners. It is certainly appropriate for others who are not in such a situation to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner. "Respectful and helpful" does not mean that you must condone or encourage a poster. It does not mean that you must agree with the poster. Respect is the key. We cannot list every conceivable sentence, phrase, or word that a person could post, and declare whether or not it is acceptable. Our rules prohibit personal attacks (see our guidelines for a definition: [COLOR=#990000]http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines[/COLOR]), but you must also adhere to the larger philosophy of the site, which is to provide support and assistance. If your response is not posted in that spirit, chances are it will be deemed inappropriate. Thanks for your cooperation. Best wishes, midori
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 We don't have insurance and since he has not had a job in the past few months MC is way out of our price range. I do want to stay married to him I love him and we have worked things out before. I just can't handel another 10% comming out of his pittley pay check because he got duped by some bar Wh#$e. Not to mention the reminder for the rest of my life. You would really be better off with someone else. Hell, you'd be better off single.
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Here is another question i have. Why is it just the mothers decision to have the child. The man has no say in what happens. He had said to the person that informed him she as pregnant that he didn't want the child and had no means to support it, and she should either give it up for adoption. Why can only the woman make this call. Why do men get forced into fatherhood? Because the law sucks.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 ...he has not had a job in the past few months MC is way out of our price range.Jeez, this guy has kids ALL OVER the freakin' place and his loser ass isn't even working? I'm sure Mr. Lazy Ass can get a job digging ditches or slinging hash at a restaurant to help SUPPORT all these kids he keeps creating because he obviously has NO CLUE how babies are conceived. Funny how he was 'drunk' all those times he was banging the supposed bar whore. Cause it wasn't just one time. But I guess it's all HER fault that she's pregnant, right? The poor, drunken victim is innocent. Maybe if the lazy loser had been working to support the litter of kids he's already got, he wouldn't have had TIME to create yet another one he CAN'T support. God what a loser. And you want this complete asshat back because...why?
Siciliana Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Voicing and opinion, doesn't make it right. Politically correct or not. YOU KNEW he had children. YOU KNEW he would have to support them. YOU KNEW that it would make it difficult to support a third child. YOU KNEW that how ever many children that you and he had together would divide a meager income even future. So it has nothing to do with political correctness, but everything to do with your poor choices in marrying a man with children, low earnings, and loose morals. What she said ^^^ Another thing....OP. If your spouse doesn't earn enough to make you happy YOU could get educated and increase your earning potential. You aren't happy with his income, then make your own.
SoleMate Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 OK, some of these posts did not seem helpful to you. I will try to answer the (only) questions you asked: HOW COULD HE BE SO STUPID!!! What do you consider stupid about his behavior? If you tell me what specific thing you feel was ill-advised or thoughtless or showing a lack of judgment or intelligence, I will explain to you what motivated and permitted that behavior. PLEASE HELP!!! I AM SO ANGRY WITH HIM. Would you like help with your anger? Would you like to learn to feel less angry and more accepting of the status quo? Or would you like to have less of the behavior that you consider "stupid" from question #1? I'd like to help, please make your questions more concrete.
Author lexuswht Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 The one question I would like answered is how to deal with the anger. As for income, I have one year left before I have my degree. So I am getting educated to provide a better future for my son. I work 40 + hours a week and attend college full time(16 hours). There isn't a whole lot more that I can do in that arena due to time constraints in a day. My H and I got back together to try and work things out and they were going well. I jut think before H and I got back together he should have brought this to my attention.
daisygirl Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 (edited) So he is more than likely the father of this thing and stuck paying for it for 18 years and putting us even more in debt. Wow, I know you're angry, but calling a child a "thing" is uncalled for. Edited April 1, 2008 by daisygirl
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