Issues & tissues Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 As anyone following my threads will know, my boyfriend of 10 years (living together for 9) broke up with me 3 months ago and moved out of our apartment a month later. Shocked and devastated, I managed to pick myself by the bootstraps, by posting on LS and focusing on me instead of him. It has been a long and difficult journey but I feel I have been making gradual progress and good recovery. Since the break up I have not initiated any contact with the ex from my side although the he occasionally sends emails / text messages to see how I am doing. Mostly, I have been ignoring his emails or putting off answering them for a long time and if I do reply I keep it short and polite. On Friday, my ex called my mobile (the first time since picking up the last of his stuff from our apartment) and recognizing his number I ignored his call. Yesterday morning, he called again - only this time from a number which I did not recognize (his new work number I believe) and naturally I picked up the phone. I was surprised to hear his voice and tried my best to come across as happy and upbeat as he chatted about himself (mostly about how well he is doing and how much happier he is now that he living on his own ). We hung up about 20 minutes later with him making vague promises of us having to go to the cinema or out for dinner sometime soon. As expected, as soon as we hung up I came undone. I fell apart and kept bursting into tears at various intervals throughout the rest of the day. His call had been so unexpected and I really wasn't ready for a friendly chat. I now realize that all emails and phone calls from the ex really have got to stop. They serve no purpose but to make me feel sad and miserable. He has no plans of reconciliation and I suppose the only reason he stays in touch is that it makes him feel less like the bad guy knowing that we can "still be friends". But as long as he is still emailing / calling I know that I can not move on 100%. Perhaps in the distant future we can be friends but right now I know that this is very destructive for me. How can I communicate to the ex that his calls and emails are no longer appreciated? How can I make him realize that as the dumpee he just has to accept that we can not be just "friends"? Doesn't he realize that I have not made any effort to keep in touch with him since we broke up? I am thinking of writing him a polite yet firm letter/email or a phone call explaining to him that right now we cannot be friends and asking him not to contact me - not by phone, nor email or text. Should I really do this or just keep moving on without a word until he finally gets the message? I really wish he would leave me alone and that I didn't have to be the one to say this to him.
dogtown Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You're doing great. Keeping the contact minimal and polite. It's tough, I know. I've been there. It takes a while to get over. However long you think it will take, well, it will take that amount and longer. So keep doing what you're doing. Venting here on LS and keep contact to a minimum. Do your best to not formally see him in any regard. The key here is to get over him. You will definately will with time. But you never will if you start regularly texting, emailing or God forbid have dinner with him. You will only dull the pain and then prolong it by doing this. Console yourself with the fact that many people have been in your situation. You will come out a stronger person in the end, but you will never conquer your feelings for him if you continue interact with him. This next part may seem harsh, but I don't intend it to. Where many people mess up with the grieving process of a break up is by creating this feeling that their ex with realize the mistake they made a come back. They surround themself with this thought. To expediate your recovery do your best to tell yourself that this relationship is over and he is not coming back. This may not eventually be the case but you are helping yourself put distance between the feelings you have for this guy and moving forward. You're awesome! Keep up the tough work!
Author Issues & tissues Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) Dogtown, Thank you so much for your post and encouraging words. All the posters here on LS have been a real lifeline to me during this very grim time in my life. I know what you say is 100% true. Only now I wonder whether or not now is the right time to cut the umbilical cord for good. Edited March 30, 2008 by Issues & tissues
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) My ex wanted to be my friend, too. I told him that I was not taking a demotion and that I was not settling. Haven't heard from him since, but it has been less than a week. If he contacts me (which I rather doubt), I will ignore him. It would only screw up my healing. You are doing great! Edited March 30, 2008 by Walking away
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 [quote=Issues & tissues;1595680How can I communicate to the ex that his calls and emails are no longer appreciated? Should I really do this or just keep moving on without a word until he finally gets the message? Just send a text message telling him to stop contacting you in any way. Tell him that it's too painful for you at the moment if you feel that you must give an explanation. And then you'll be done. You're doing great!
CaliGuy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) I now realize that all emails and phone calls from the ex really have got to stop. They serve no purpose but to make me feel sad and miserable. He has no plans of reconciliation and I suppose the only reason he stays in touch is that it makes him feel less like the bad guy knowing that we can "still be friends". This is excellent. Stick to this train of thought because you are exactly right. It's to relieve HIS guilt, not because he really needs you in his life. He probably cares about you to some degree, he's just not in love with you anymore. And IMHO, if they can choose to walk away from your love, they really don't deserve to have any part in your life anymore. But as long as he is still emailing / calling I know that I can not move on 100%. Perhaps in the distant future we can be friends but right now I know that this is very destructive for me. How can I communicate to the ex that his calls and emails are no longer appreciated? Simply respond to one of them saying "I don't wish to receive anymore contact from you." That's it. And for now on if he writes you, delete them before you read them. How can I make him realize that as the dumpee he just has to accept that we can not be just "friends"? By continuing NO CONTACT. Doesn't he realize that I have not made any effort to keep in touch with him since we broke up? He does, which is why he is poking around in your life. He wants to make sure that he can have you anytime he wants, which is why he does initiate contact. He may even regret it, but the fact remains you put 10 good years into this relationship and if he felt you weren't the one, he should respect that decision by leaving you alone. He's hurting you, not helping you. I am thinking of writing him a polite yet firm letter/email or a phone call explaining to him that right now we cannot be friends and asking him not to contact me - not by phone, nor email or text. Polite email is the best. It's very "indifferent" and "impersonal". That's what I did when I was in a similar position. It worked as I have not heard from her again. Should I really do this or just keep moving on without a word until he finally gets the message? I really wish he would leave me alone and that I didn't have to be the one to say this to him. Men are terrible mind-readers. Write a short, simple email telling him to stop any and all attempts to contact you. You could toss in there "You have moved on with your life and I doing the same. There is no reason for us to remain in contact." Leave it at that. If he continues to write, BLOCK his emails and change your phone number. Edited March 30, 2008 by CaliGuy
LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) the day might come when you can do that...be friends...just friends...whatever. it'll come naturally if at all. that day isn't today though, so just don't answer. the risk of opening up all the other issues and wounds is just too great for you right now. Edited March 30, 2008 by LuCidiTy
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I'm always amazed by the persistency of some men. But, in your case, OP, likely what is driving this is a mental condition, perhaps brought on by his accident. What's the downside of deleting incoming messages without reading and screening phone calls from unknown sources?
Author Issues & tissues Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Thank you all for your comforting words. I will keep walking away with my head held high!
dogtown Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 "Only now I wonder whether or not now is the right time to cut the umbilical cord for good." Oh my gosh, it's tough, I know. But breaking off contact with him does not mean you are closing him out of your life. You're just closing him off temporarily - be it a year or however long it takes to get over him. There is nothing saying you cannot resume a friendship with him later on and possibly (and this probably is not a good thing to say) even a relationship. But the relationship ended for whatever reasons and so you move on. You don't get back together now or in a few months because you're both so vulnerable and not thinking straight right now. Clear your heads! NC at all costs! Like other posters have said, minimal polite responses are fine, but nothing more. You seem like a really balanced person and you know what you want, so hunker down and know that we're behind you!
Recommended Posts