sigma Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I had been with my gf for almost 4 years. We got along great as a team, couldn't ask for more as far as that goes. The underlying problem we've always had is religion. She is very committed to her faith (atleast so she claims), where as Im not really interested in that. I might state that this isn't a "mainstream" religion, but a rather strict one (JW). Obviously as time went on this strained our relationship as neither of us had plans to adopt eithers choice of faith (or in my case lack there of). She has quite a few family issues (as a cause of religion) and doesn't have anyone she can turn to talk to about it. Being with me, she isolated herself from her Church friends. She pretty much confided in me for everything when it came to personal stuff. After a few years I think the tension became too much and she wanted to break up. It was a very difficult thing for both of us to do, as at first, we both wanted to be together, but knew with our religious differences we couldn't' make it work (and for us to be 100% happy). We'd attempt to break up for a bit, but within days would be back together. We've done this a number of times now, I would say it's her initiating the breakup most of the time, and it takes a pretty big hit on me emotionally. Anyway, about a month ago we had a big breakup and I thought this finally might be it, but sure enough, we ended up hanging out again. I tried not to get my hopes up, she was initiating relationship type stuff, and then tonight she drops the "I can't do this" again. Back at square one. I do love this girl, and she feels pretty much the same way about me. I've always been there for her family issues, and have told her that she can always come talk to me about it. I know she has no one else to talk to about this stuff (even her Church), which is why I told her to come talk to me. Anyway, should I just say f*ck it and never talk to her again? Even if she tries to contact me? Im not totally innocent in this either, as I have text'd her a couple of times, and we ended up meeting up again. She messaged me last time telling me she was miserable after our last breakup, and then asked to come over the next day, so I let her. Should I just cut my losses this time and not be there for her if she needs me? I still care greatly for her, and part of that is trying to help her through some of the family stuff. Should I just never help her out again? Thoughts/suggestions.
MalachiX Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 What's the religion? It really depends on what the central issue is. There's no reason why you should ever have to convert in a relationship. If someone is religious and their faith means a lot to them then they should under-stand how out-of-line it is to ask their lover to convert. They should realize that faith is a very personal thing and asking someone to just switch is like saying you don't really like them. I don't think something like that should get in the way of your relationship if everything else works and you're both tolerant. You can be supportive of her faith without being a part of it.
Author sigma Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) What's the religion? It really depends on what the central issue is. There's no reason why you should ever have to convert in a relationship. If someone is religious and their faith means a lot to them then they should under-stand how out-of-line it is to ask their lover to convert. They should realize that faith is a very personal thing and asking someone to just switch is like saying you don't really like them. I don't think something like that should get in the way of your relationship if everything else works and you're both tolerant. You can be supportive of her faith without being a part of it. I mentioned it in the first post... shes JW It's not a mainstream faith, and as such is very closed off from society. They technically aren't even supposed to date someone outside the faith. Even having friends that aren't apart of the faith is heavily discouraged. I agree with your comment that neither should have to commit to a faith that they arent' comfortable with. She shouldn't' have to leave hers to be with me and I shouldn't have to believe something I don't. The problems would come further down the line. What if we had kids, I would want them to have a "choice" in their beliefs, and I don't believe you have a choice when you're raised in something like that and isolated from society. When you're repeatedly told as a kid that this is what you need to believe in, you eventually believe it. Also because religion is such a large portion of her life (sometimes 3-4 meetings a week) she wants her "significant other" to be of the same faith. There is a lot more to this religion than one might see on the surface. I think if this were a slightly less "hardcore" religion that we could make it work. I don't have an inherent problem with any religion, but there are aspects of this one which Im definitely not comfortable with. Certainly not something I would want my kids (again if that came into the picture) being unwillingly subjected to. We both agreed that long term, things could get very difficult. She has a similar situation happen with her parents (religious differences) which is partially where there are so many family issues. This is why I think she ended it, she doesn't' want it to end up the same way her parents did (and as you can tell has been hard on her) Edited March 30, 2008 by sigma
MalachiX Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I mentioned it in the first post... shes JW Sorry, I didn't know if you were trying to say Jew without doing so. My bad. The problems would come further down the line. What if we had kids, I would want them to have a "choice" in their beliefs, and I don't believe you have a choice when you're raised in something like that and isolated from society. When you're repeatedly told as a kid that this is what you need to believe in, you eventually believe it. Well, the way I'd ideally raise a child would be to take them to the church of whatever spouse goes frequently but of course let them know that any path they chose is fine by us (save for perhaps Voodoo because that ****'s scary). Also because religion is such a large portion of her life (sometimes 3-4 meetings a week) she wants her "significant other" to be of the same faith. There is a lot more to this religion than one might see on the surface. I think if this were a slightly less "hardcore" religion that we could make it work. Sounds like hard situation but you not being part of her religioun doesn't necessarily mean a rift. My EX (who I'm trying desperatley to stop thinking about), was a devout Catholic and I was a rather half-assed Episcopal. There were lots of things about her church that I may not always have liked but, by talking, I eventually found that her values were mostly in line with my own and that was all that was important. I don't have an inherent problem with any religion, but there are aspects of this one which Im definitely not comfortable with. Now this may be the most important part. What aspects are they and does she believe in them? If there are things about her faith that she believes in that bother you, it may say something about her and that she's not the one for you. I didn't care that my EX (who I really need to stop mentioning) had a different view of the divinity of Christ or the nature of the universe than I did. However, I would have had a serious issue if she disliked all gay people. I think you need to decide what her views say about her.
Author sigma Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 by JW I meant Jehovah's Witness, not jewish. For me it didn't' create that much of a rift. IE I wasn't the one saying that the religious differences were bothering me. They don't' celebrate birthdays, Christmas, easter or anything like that. Only anniversaries. Again this didn't bother me, I understood her decision and was fine by that. Some of the stuff that bothered me was the isolation they have from what most people would consider normal society. They are taught from kids that they are "different" and that the rest of society is "wicked". As a result, social isolation starts at a young age and they learn to be only with themselves, which further drives them into their believes, furthering my point about having neutral perspective in which to be brought up. I don't see a problem with introducing religion to children, as long as it's seen as option of many, not one single religion being drilled into a kids head as a result of the parents choice. Funny thing, we associate a newborn with their respective parents religion without any choice, but we don't' decide for them whether they are democrat, republican etc. Anyway, without straying to far of course here (as I could go on about this religion all night). The differences are too great for HER to feel comfortable anymore. She has chosen to leave on more than one occasion, but comes back to me for not only more relationship "stuff" but to also confide in me. I feel I should be there for her, as I know she doesn't have anyone else, and feels like she can only talk to me about this stuff. Again, I think this is much more complex that perhaps Im explaining. My question isn't necessarily if I can still make this work with her (as I honestly don't' think long term it will work), but how do I manage this commitment to her. We just end up getting back together every time, and it a hard cycle to break.
MalachiX Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 by JW I meant Jehovah's Witness, not jewish. Yeah, gathered after the second post. Kind of slow on the uptake tonight... For me it didn't' create that much of a rift. IE I wasn't the one saying that the religious differences were bothering me. They don't' celebrate birthdays, Christmas, easter or anything like that. Only anniversaries. Again this didn't bother me, I understood her decision and was fine by that. Some of the stuff that bothered me was the isolation they have from what most people would consider normal society. They are taught from kids that they are "different" and that the rest of society is "wicked". If she believes this, it seems that she'd have to consider you "wicked" too which would certainly create a problem if I was in your shoes. Funny thing, we associate a newborn with their respective parents religion without any choice, but we don't' decide for them whether they are democrat, republican etc. Speak for yourself. Any kid of mine tells me he's a Republican, I'm feeding him to the wolves. She has chosen to leave on more than one occasion, but comes back to me for not only more relationship "stuff" but to also confide in me. I feel I should be there for her, as I know she doesn't have anyone else, and feels like she can only talk to me about this stuff. Again, I think this is much more complex that perhaps Im explaining. It seems almost like she's trying to decide if she wants to be in her religious if she's dating you and confiding in you. It's a hard thing since it seems like it would mean a break with her family. I guess it's something she'll have to confront. My question isn't necessarily if I can still make this work with her (as I honestly don't' think long term it will work), but how do I manage this commitment to her. We just end up getting back together every time, and it a hard cycle to break. Damned if I know. I'd probably be back with my girlfriend if I hadn't talked her out of taking me back when she wanted to and she then cut contact when I had doubts. If you really want to break the cycle then perhaps cutting contact is the best option and sticking to it for at least a month.
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