Shin0bi1 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 As the title states, I think some of us are too scared to be alone or have low self confidence that we want our marriage so badly...whether it is Wanted Dead or Alive (Bon Jovi pun ^^). I have a tale tell and wanted share with the hurting fellas out there. Like many out there, I have a big heart and open mind and love my soulmate dearly. We have a 5 year old son and he is everything that is good in me and more. My marriage has had a turmoil turbulent ride like being stuck in a washer for a week straight. We were married for 5 years btw, and 4 days ago she announced to me that she wants a divorce. 6-8 months ago she told me it wasn't working out and I realized that what I was doing at the time and the emotional damage I had caused. You see, I lost myself due to financial stress, work stress, and not happy about my wife loosing her sex drive steadily as the married years added on. When finacial hardship smacked us in the face (about to lose everything we owned) I went into survival mode... I thought all that mattered was making sure the mortgage payment was there, car payment sent, food on table, and clothes on their back was all that mattered. I was dead wrong. I isolated myself and lived in my own little world, telling myself that once the "bombs" stopped dropping, I would climb out of my fox hole. Well, the "bombs" stopped dropping awhile ago and I was still in this isolated mode and that devastated my wife and alienated my baby boy. I snapped out of it when she told me she didnt love me anymore and didnt know if we had a future. Of'course being a total idiot, I didnt see any of the signs and the pleas to be there for her before she was scorned and fed up. Bad habits are a beeotch aint they? Anyways, her resentment was bottled up and exploded and did not want the marraige. I took a deep look at myself and realized I had hurt the ones I loved the most and my behavior was unacceptable. I had failed my family in ways, that when I look back now, I want to scream and tear my head off...what the F was I doing!?!? She refused marriage counseling at first because she thought that you could not make someone love a person if they didnt want to. I went to counseling for myself but realized eventually that my wife would have to participate to work out the marriage issues. I really was hopefully despite the signs that she had already moved on and confided in male friends of hers that she wished to keep private from me. This brought the ugliness in me and I got jealous and paranoid which of'course drove her furthur away. Dealt with the holiday blues, man that was rough... I wanted to kiss her at new years but she pushed me back and told me she didnt want to give the wrong idea. I was also told by her that her career job she was trying to start was her first priority right now. She has been trying to find a job in the last 12 months btw. Then all of sudden recently she decided to go to Marriage Counseling with me and we did 2 sessions so far. I couldnt believe it and was really happy and thought we were off to a great start. She opened up to him and basically said "I don't know" to every single question regarding about the marriage. However, things never improved. It seems that we were really only talking to each other at the counseling sessions and that when we were at home, we barely communicated. I had to initiate 98% of all conversations and the majority of the them ended in frustrations. My son is suffering right now. He knows something is seriously wrong with his mommy and daddy since they never do anything together with him...its always separate. We also sleep in separate rooms at her family's house. I have to reassure him all the time that even though mommy/daddy are fighting, we still love him very much. Well I'm sure this sounds very famaliar to you guys so Ill spare the boring details. 4 days, after much heated arguments and frustrations... mostly me questioning who she is talking to and why she staying up so late drinking with her friends and stuff like that. She told me wanted a divorce and then tried to use the excuse, "I want a divorce coz you want one" and "It's better for the both of us", and "We should of just stayed as friends" and "I am just gonna drag you down with me and it's not fair for you". I finally listened to her words... I took her words for face value and recounted in the last 6 months how she stated these words over and over again. I just didnt want to believe in it and gave into foolish hope. I have decided to, so hard to do, to let her go and tell her that I will always love her because she is a wonderful mother of my son. I also want to stop this never ending cycle of resentment because my son is the one who is gonna really suffer thru his parent's bullcrap. I think the best option for us is to somehow build up a friendship only even though it hurts really bad coz friendship is not good enough for me right now but that would be really selfish of me. I gotta remember my son... I had my chance with my wife and blew it. My current situation is that I have to live at my in-laws crib until july of this year because I made a commitment to them last year that I would help them out in their financial crises. I got rid of my house, combined forces with her family to form like Voltron and deal with the finacial issues together instead of suffering separately through these hard times. Anyways, I really hope my ex-partner will respect me, considering she doesnt work, and i support her, my son, and her 2 brothers, 1 sister, mother, father, and grandma (I have 50$ at the end of every month basically). Seeing her already moving on with her life and maybe even see someone in the next three months will kill me because I will be stuck in my current living conditions for awhile. Do I feel used? yeah starting to think that...she doesnt work right now. Do I want an amicable relationship with my wife/ex-wife? Yeah.. I dont want my son see that we hate each other... it will kill me if he blames himself for us breaking apart later in life. However she doesnt want to talk to me and avoids me thinking I have hidden agendas to make her be with me. Do I want to better myself and take the highroad and be an example despite the perceived shadiness that she is doing to me? Yeah... but how do you get over feeling really salty about the situation that you are at home and she is always out with her male friends? She was the one that told me several years ago that male and females can not be friends. What a hypocrite. How am I going to endure 3-4 months living at her parents house knowing that she ended the marriage with me? The only thing that keeps me sane is I get to see my son everyday. If I move out an apartment, I will get to see much less which kills me to even think about it. Sorry if this was incoherent... I'm just trying to get my thoughts together... Cliffnotes: 1) Wife said she wanted a divorce 4 days ago. 2) Married 5 years. 3) Have 5 year old son. 4) My family lives with her parents family's house. I pay half of the finacial obligations there. I am broke every month. 5) I dread the day, I save money, move out coz this means I dont get to see my son everyday. 6) Trying to keep a good friendship with my wife despite the deep hurting. 7) It bothers me she moved on and I do not know who she is seeing or where she is going at night. I on the other hand is grieving at the marriage situation. I'm one really sad panda. 8) Trying to cowboy up and not breakdown and be a pussy. Thanks for reading. With regards, Shin0bi1
Gunny376 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 OooooooooRaaaaahaaaaa! (So say the Marines) Raaaaaa! Raaaaa! Raaaaaa (So said the Spartians!) From your post? One thing your can't say is that your not a man Trough Hell and damntion ~ come hurricances, and tornados>
Author Shin0bi1 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) OooooooooRaaaaahaaaaa! (So say the Marines) Raaaaaa! Raaaaa! Raaaaaa (So said the Spartians!) From your post? One thing your can't say is that your not a man Trough Hell and damntion ~ come hurricances, and tornados> Thanks Gunny376 for posting in my thread man. I've read many of your posts including ILMW's thread for the past 5-6 months and I learned a lot from all ya'll experience. It really has helped me try to hold my sanity. My sister came over today to check up on how I was doing. I cried a little bit and told her that I want the next 3 months at my in-laws (ex inlaws or whatever you call it) to be my finest hour like Winston Churchill said about his RAF pilots in WWII. I want to keep my dignity, respect, and somehow find some kind of brave courage to move on... hurts when your partner has moved on and shows no sign of remorse at all about the death of the marriage. I think she would want to be friends with me not sure... I don't how to communicate with her. I feel like I'm the cat and she is the mouse chasing her all the time. I think she might be afraid that I'm gonna give her another "lets work it out" speech. I want to talk about financial affairs, whats best for our son, and how can we have an amicable friendship. Kills me though... I don't know how to get over this salty feeling that she is seeing other guys (plutonic I think) but the fact she confides and loves the attention she gets and they pay for all her drinks/food pisses me off. Don't know why... i cant seem to let this resentment die... okay okay think about son...think about how resentment creates more resentment... god i swear my mind twists and turns all the time and so many what ifs in there. We are talking tonight after my son is put to bed on how what we should to move on. My understanding is before I move, a solid plan needs to be agreed by both of us especially for my son. peace, Shin0bi1 P.S. - BB King, SRV, Muddy Waters, etc has helped me thru this hellish nightmare Edited March 31, 2008 by Shin0bi1
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 You as a man? Need to just dis-engage yourself from her? The marriage, the relationship, the whole thing? You need some down time? Some "Cave-time" Some back on the "back Forty" time? As a man? You need some "pondering" time? On the back forty, just you and "Old Yeller" and a fifty-five gallon drum fire? Alone? Just you? The Fire? Your Horse? A good faithfull dog! This is what you need right now! Call it a camping trip? A Hunting trip? Dueling Banjio's trip (Ref the Burt Reyolds movie) Its what you need right now
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 LOL! I thought that I was the only white man that listened to BB King, and Muddy Waters?
Ladyjane14 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 ...4 days ago she announced to me that she wants a divorce.... ....4 days, after much heated arguments and frustrations... mostly me questioning who she is talking to and why she staying up so late drinking with her friends and stuff like that. She told me wanted a divorce and then tried to use the excuse, "I want a divorce coz you want one" and "It's better for the both of us", and "We should of just stayed as friends" and "I am just gonna drag you down with me and it's not fair for you". I finally listened to her words... I took her words for face value and recounted in the last 6 months how she stated these words over and over again. I just didnt want to believe in it and gave into foolish hope.... ...My current situation is that I have to live at my in-laws crib until july of this year because I made a commitment to them last year that I would help them out in their financial crises. I got rid of my house, combined forces with her family to form like Voltron and deal with the finacial issues together instead of suffering separately through these hard times.... ...Anyways, I really hope my ex-partner will respect me, considering she doesnt work, and i support her, my son, and her 2 brothers, 1 sister, mother, father, and grandma (I have 50$ at the end of every month basically). Okay then. Basically, you've given up everything you owned, and now you're stuck living with her family. So, now, as you mentioned in your post... it's time to "cowboy up". Four days previous to your first post was the time to tell your STBX that it's time for her to get a J.O.B., and it's still not to late to do that. Fact is, unless you're planning on busting your ass, supporting her and her extended family in perpetuity, while she "moves on with her life"... you need to be doing some things differently. The best way to cure a heartache is to get on with the business of day-to-day living, to address the practical matters in life, to set goals. And here you are, a man who really NEEDS to address some practical matters and set some goals. Quick time too. Man, you don't have TIME for heartache! Your biggest concern here in your opening post seems to be maintaining a "friendship" with your STBX for the sake of your son. I submit to you, that providing STABILITY for the sake of your son, may be a more advantageous goal. Fact is, you're still feeling stung and can't yet imagine what your daily life will be like without your STBX in it. But... as time goes by and you become more and more involved in your own, separate, daily life... I think you might find you don't want your ex up your butt all the time. Your better bet is to start thinking about a REALISTIC view of what kind of relationship with her will best suit your future needs and start defining it now. You're not husband and wife in that future. It's okay to set goals that no longer include her preferences. The main priority is providing financial and emotional security for your son... other than that, you don't OWE this woman a hand-out. You've made a commitment to her extended family. I suggest you stick with that. You'll feel better about yourself in the long term knowing that you're a man of your word. That said, you just had some news dropped on you that you weren't expecting. Some of the details of your former arrangement might need to be renegotiated. IOW, if you're paying for goods and services which aren't necessary for basic living, it's time to cut them out. (Check out Gunny's backlog of posts for tips on trimming the budget. ) Meantime, I believe if I were you... I'd get a second job and put ALL the extra money in a separate account to be used for establishing a new place. Even if it's just delivering newspapers in the early morning hours or doing some kind of overnight janitorial work, every little bit counts. You sound like an industrious guy anyway... so put that 'industrious nature' to good use. You'll have less time to be depressed if you're either working, sleeping, or playing with your kid. Right now, you've apparently got plenty of extra layabouts to help with childcare when you're not home. Take advantage. Eye on the prize... the reward comes when you and your son are standing in front of the paint chips at the local hardware store, picking out a new color for his very own bedroom. A family of two... is still a family.
witabix Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Hi Shin0bi1, Sounds to me as though you are having a hard time of it, it also seems to me that you will get through it well. Your attitude will see the light turned back on at the end of the tunnel, as sure as eggs is eggs. Keep up your contact with your son, keep your back straight, your word good, your head held high. Talking is vital, keep lines of communcation to your spouse open, at all costs. I know you will get through this, something about your posts tells me, your a good dude.
THEBIGARC Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Our stories are a lot a like. I am living with my aunt, but the STBXW's dad invited me to live with him until I got back on my feet. Having a lot of contact with her makes it hard. You should try to do what I do. Just keep coversations about your son(I have a 4 y/o) and the financials.(we are trying to sell our brand new house) I have had a hard time accepting that it is truly over, but when I did the real healing began. My STBXW has already moved on with the OM. Just try to be strong for your son. My son and I are closer now than ever before. I enjoy the unconditional love he has for me. Hang in there! It will be a long road, but it has an end. At the end of this painfull road will be your happiness with yourself and life!
KidEternity Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Okay then. Basically, you've given up everything you owned, and now you're stuck living with her family. So, now, as you mentioned in your post... it's time to "cowboy up". Four days previous to your first post was the time to tell your STBX that it's time for her to get a J.O.B., and it's still not to late to do that. Fact is, unless you're planning on busting your ass, supporting her and her extended family in perpetuity, while she "moves on with her life"... you need to be doing some things differently. The best way to cure a heartache is to get on with the business of day-to-day living, to address the practical matters in life, to set goals. And here you are, a man who really NEEDS to address some practical matters and set some goals. Quick time too. Man, you don't have TIME for heartache! Your biggest concern here in your opening post seems to be maintaining a "friendship" with your STBX for the sake of your son. I submit to you, that providing STABILITY for the sake of your son, may be a more advantageous goal. Fact is, you're still feeling stung and can't yet imagine what your daily life will be like without your STBX in it. But... as time goes by and you become more and more involved in your own, separate, daily life... I think you might find you don't want your ex up your butt all the time. Your better bet is to start thinking about a REALISTIC view of what kind of relationship with her will best suit your future needs and start defining it now. You're not husband and wife in that future. It's okay to set goals that no longer include her preferences. The main priority is providing financial and emotional security for your son... other than that, you don't OWE this woman a hand-out. You've made a commitment to her extended family. I suggest you stick with that. You'll feel better about yourself in the long term knowing that you're a man of your word. That said, you just had some news dropped on you that you weren't expecting. Some of the details of your former arrangement might need to be renegotiated. IOW, if you're paying for goods and services which aren't necessary for basic living, it's time to cut them out. (Check out Gunny's backlog of posts for tips on trimming the budget. ) Meantime, I believe if I were you... I'd get a second job and put ALL the extra money in a separate account to be used for establishing a new place. Even if it's just delivering newspapers in the early morning hours or doing some kind of overnight janitorial work, every little bit counts. You sound like an industrious guy anyway... so put that 'industrious nature' to good use. You'll have less time to be depressed if you're either working, sleeping, or playing with your kid. Right now, you've apparently got plenty of extra layabouts to help with childcare when you're not home. Take advantage. Eye on the prize... the reward comes when you and your son are standing in front of the paint chips at the local hardware store, picking out a new color for his very own bedroom. A family of two... is still a family. This is really good advice and so is everyone elses! I can't really add anything to it, but just wanted to wish you all the best man. You seem like a great guy (and Stevie has got me through some tough times too!)
Author Shin0bi1 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) You as a man? Need to just dis-engage yourself from her? The marriage, the relationship, the whole thing? You need some down time? Some "Cave-time" Some back on the "back Forty" time? As a man? You need some "pondering" time? On the back forty, just you and "Old Yeller" and a fifty-five gallon drum fire? Alone? Just you? The Fire? Your Horse? A good faithfull dog! This is what you need right now! Call it a camping trip? A Hunting trip? Dueling Banjio's trip (Ref the Burt Reyolds movie) Its what you need right now I seriously wished sometimes I kept my horse (motorcycle) sometimes so I can get away and carve/rail up the twisties and stuff. But I sold it coz it is not safe obviously and I couldn't justify having it when my baby boy needs important things. Well he has too many toys now lol coz I can't help buying things for him heh. What I really want to do, is just go to walt disney world and seaworld (my boy loves aquatic creatures) with him and just spend a whole week there... just only the two of us. Oh yeah, it doesn't matter what race, ethnicity, gender, religion, etc.. you are... good music is good music. BB King knows whassup. He lets us know through his soul that we ain't alone out there. I find it helpful because sometimes I can't express my hurt so I let BB do it for me. :-) Just to give you some perspective, I'm Korean and red blooded American. I want you to picture that and then picture me as being the first Korean cowboy to roam lol. All I need are boots, hats, and a horse... I got the Marlboros tho lol. Oh yeah, I got an acoustical guitar I've been messing around with, teaching myself how to play. That's helped my soul quiet bit. I like to make up silly songs and sing for my son and stuff. Kinda funny, he likes them. -Shin0bi1 Edited March 31, 2008 by Shin0bi1
Author Shin0bi1 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Okay then. Basically, you've given up everything you owned, and now you're stuck living with her family. So, now, as you mentioned in your post... it's time to "cowboy up". Yeah my life sucks right now lol I know I have to suck up a lot of hurt and stop crying like a girl. One thing I am trying hard to do is show no hurt feelings to my partner but calmly explain to her that I am emotionally hurt which I am hoping softens her up a bit. I tell her even though I am emotional turmoil, I am up for conversations about where do we go now, our financial matters, and how is all this going to affect our son. Four days previous to your first post was the time to tell your STBX that it's time for her to get a J.O.B., and it's still not to late to do that. Fact is, unless you're planning on busting your ass, supporting her and her extended family in perpetuity, while she "moves on with her life"... you need to be doing some things differently. I've been encouraging her to get a job for the past 6 months. She can not seem to get over herself. She has a masters degree in education and will not "stoop" low into doing jobs that are outside her field it seems. She did not take it well when I said she needs to broaden her scope potentially to retail and waitressing jobs or something like. I personally think she is depressed and has little self motivation and that by us living with her parents' house has brought old habits and comfortableness. Which also I believe because she was too comfortable, she did not have the motivation to work on or care about our failed marriage. The best way to cure a heartache is to get on with the business of day-to-day living, to address the practical matters in life, to set goals. And here you are, a man who really NEEDS to address some practical matters and set some goals. Quick time too. Man, you don't have TIME for heartache! Your biggest concern here in your opening post seems to be maintaining a "friendship" with your STBX for the sake of your son. I submit to you, that providing STABILITY for the sake of your son, may be a more advantageous goal. Yeah I don't need this heartache bullcrap with financial stress laying on top of me. You are absolutely right, with financial situation in somewhat of a crises for both families right now, I have come up with an idea. I want a meeting with her mom, dad, sister, myself, and my partner and have a discussion on: 1) Breaking the news that she wants a divorce and 2) What constructive ideas we can formulate to make a plan so I can move on with my life while her parents keeps the house for my son's sake. My son needs to stay with my wife's family. It is truly the best option for him since he has in house babysitters, access to good schools, has many favorite activies near by, and has made friends. I work an IT computer job and I am on call 24x7x365. Getting a 2nd job can be difficult since I am on high availability status with my current employer. I have busting my ass working overtime and I somehow barely scrape by despite this. This also means that I will not have access to any but expensive day care if he were to live with me. And quite frankly, I only trust hers and my immediate family to care for my son.. heard many horror stories. But you are correct, I need to make money just for myself and I have to possible find a 2nd job that won't interfere with my primary one. Your better bet is to start thinking about a REALISTIC view of what kind of relationship with her will best suit your future needs and start defining it now. You're not husband and wife in that future. It's okay to set goals that no longer include her preferences. The main priority is providing financial and emotional security for your son... other than that, you don't OWE this woman a hand-out. I wonder what is realistic Ladyjane14? I want to do everything right for my son's sake. The last thing I want to deal with is my wife telling me 2-3 years from now that my son blames her for "kicking" daddy out of the house. I just can't imagine the future divorce issues that I will have to deal with in regards to my son. I want things to be amicable as possible and hopefully, this sounds totally crazy becase i am so not feeling this atm, I want me and my wife to be best friends for our son's sake. I know that sounds totally crazy and is totally unrealistic because I am really hurting now. You've made a commitment to her extended family. I suggest you stick with that. You'll feel better about yourself in the long term knowing that you're a man of your word. That said, you just had some news dropped on you that you weren't expecting. Some of the details of your former arrangement might need to be renegotiated. IOW, if you're paying for goods and services which aren't necessary for basic living, it's time to cut them out. (Check out Gunny's backlog of posts for tips on trimming the budget. ) I want to cut off her car payment and gas. But if I do that my son can not do his activities. I want to cut off her martial arts class she enjoys but it is tied in with my son's tae kwon do classes (same bill). They have a special arrangement where its a no contract clause (coz the owner personally likes them). However if we renegotiate the contract for my son's sake, I will be bounded to a long term contract and possibly paying more per month for my son. However it will give me personal satisfaction showing my wife she can't just use me like this... god I got stop these bad thoughts...they just pop out of know where... Btw, it is thru her martial arts class that she met her male friends and goes out partying with them with out a care in the world. So basically thats like a big slap in the face because I can only see this as a catalyst to the atrophy of our marriage. May or may not be true but that is how I feel right now. She does not notify even her family where she is going and nor cares to tell them what time she is coming back. My son has woken several nights coming to my room or his grandma's room crying because mommy is not home yet. It's like 3:30am for godsakes and she is not home!! Is my wife crazy?! Eye on the prize... the reward comes when you and your son are standing in front of the paint chips at the local hardware store, picking out a new color for his very own bedroom. A family of two... is still a family. Yeah that does paint a nice picture of the future actually... thanks for posting in my thread Ladyjane14. Like gunny, I've read many of your posts and your thoughts have helped me a lot indirectly over the last 6 months. -Shin0bi1
Ladyjane14 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I wonder what is realistic Ladyjane14? I want to do everything right for my son's sake. The last thing I want to deal with is my wife telling me 2-3 years from now that my son blames her for "kicking" daddy out of the house. I just can't imagine the future divorce issues that I will have to deal with in regards to my son. I want things to be amicable as possible and hopefully, this sounds totally crazy becase i am so not feeling this atm, I want me and my wife to be best friends for our son's sake. I know that sounds totally crazy and is totally unrealistic because I am really hurting now. I think what might help you best is seeing how other people manage it. You need a parenting plan. I think it'd be a really good idea to stop by the library and get a couple of books on 'co-parenting after divorce'. Now, you don't have to take everything you read in them literally. Use them as a catalyst to spur your imagination while you're thinking about what you might want in a post-divorce relationship with your STBX. Also, here at LS, look for posts from Trimmer. You'll need to REALLY focus your mental energy on what's best for your child, and not get distracted by your STBXW's antics. He's good at that. Now, that doesn't mean you're not going to set boundaries in a such a way as to forward your own goals. You're going to HAVE to do that. Your son isn't going to be scarred for life if he doesn't have Tai Kwon Do lessons at the age of FIVE. As far as car payment and gas is concerned... I'm not sure what to tell you. If the car payment is high, maybe it's time to trade in for something less pricey. But gas can be BUDGETED. This is all new to you... and it hurts like a b*tch, I'm sure. But, in the grand scheme of things, this too shall pass. Your best bet is to FOCUS your mental energy on practical matters as much as possible. But... go ahead and give yourself some time to feel your feelings too. I found it helpful a few years ago to set some limits with myself... otherwise, I'd have been wallowing all the time. What I used to do is give myself a half hour or so each day to feel sorry for myself, pound a pillow, weep, whatever I had to do. Then, I would MAKE myself go do something else and redirect my mental energy onto that instead.
Gunny376 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 You seriously need to "Bone-up" on personal finance? "Debt Proof Living" Mary Hunt "Complete Money Make Over" Dave Ramsey "Deal With Your Debt"
Gunny376 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 (edited) Per my Man? BB King? "Ain't no rommance ~ without FINANCE! You might want to check out Robert Clay? The boy can play the "Blues!" I love him! Well his music at least? Edited April 1, 2008 by Gunny376
witabix Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 And Robert Johnson, Albert Lee, John Lee Hooker (The Healer with Santana especially interesting), T Bone Walker, Howlin Wolf...... the list is endless. The blues ain't dead, jus' restin', jus' restin'.
Gunny376 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 All which had an influence on a guy named ~ Eric Clapton to name just a few?
sumdude Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Check out some Albert Collins... man could play a telecaster... unique sound.
Author Shin0bi1 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 At one point should you consider of moving on even if the "D" word said by your partner? I feel that we should try a physical separation and go thru whatever the steps are for reconcile before going straight to total marriage termination. I dunno, I just feel that we owe to our son to try exhaust all avenues and think of the future together for him because he deserves. Obviously, falling out of love with somone and mentally trying to move on (if not already) weighs a heavy factor in it. But I guess perhaps I am the one that has a fool's hope in the marriage getting healed and being better than ever before. Basically if there is a .0001% shadow of a doubt in her mind of the divorce then I think me and my partner owe to my son to explore that. I think people can fall in love again with each and that perhaps physical space from each other and time to heal can allow that. Even though there is a high percentage of marriage failures, from what I read, on physical separation... I feel that we should try everything possible to make it work. Now it is the question on whether I am crazy, hoping on long shot perhaps something that is not there, not over her, things like that... I just feel we shouldnt give up yet especially for our son. The other thought is a clean break and it will be easier now and that my son is only 5 years old, it will not hurt him as much since he is young. It is so much easier this way but I feel this is not the right path since it is so easy...and that I may have regrets in the near future of night trying hard enough to win back my wife. totally lost Had a great conversation without fighting last night in months and it really felt good to talk to her without the emotions running high. I asked her that did she mean the "D" word because we were fighting in an argument and emotions were out of control. Well she told me she thought last week was the end of the marriage and mentally perpared herself already. Now it seems, that I am causing something for her to think about that nothing is absolute if you are not 100% sure. So basically she is 99.99% sure she wants the marraige termination but I challened her on the .01% for the sake of our son who wants us to be togehter and so do I. I appreciate all your support guys, means a lot btw! -Shin0bi1
THEBIGARC Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 When my W tells me she is not sure about getting a D, it is usually when she sees me when I pick up my son. It does not stop her from seeing the OM. Your W is scared of the future, just as mind is. She may not want to be married anymore, but she is still afraid of the future. She too was comfortable in the relationship, no matter how rocky in may have been. Please do not dwell on .01 % chance of making it work. My STBXW gives me mixed singals all the time. She wants huggs and misses me. It is all because of her fear. She does not love me enough to let me truly go. I wanted to make it work until she told me it was over and there was nothing I could do to make her change her mind. So, now I have accepted it and she is scared of losing me. She is in love with the OM, but is scared it may be a mistake to let me go. So, give it time and try to move on. I know it is hard. I am 2 1/2 months into this and it kills me everyday to know my life is forever changed. No wife, no family(with her and my son) and no dream house. I have a 4 y/o son also. Love your son and just be the best dad you can be. Help him through this. Do not fight with his mom or talk bad about her in anyway. Good luck my friend!!
Ladyjane14 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I feel that we should try a physical separation and go thru whatever the steps are for reconcile before going straight to total marriage termination. There's no reason why you can't do that. You'd do well to think about how you'll control debt made in your name though. Your best bet is to see an attorney and figure out how you're going to address that. You know your situation best, of course. But to be honest, you haven't posted anything yet which would lead me to believe she's going to change her mind. You've been going at this since before the holidays, right? She sounds a bit immature to me. She might be one of those kind of gals who doesn't appreciate what they had... until somebody else has it. If it were me, I think I'd stick tight to my 180's and let her wonder if I was slipping off the leash. p.s. The added benefit of 180's is that, at the very least, they help move you further down the path to healing.
Author Shin0bi1 Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) When my W tells me she is not sure about getting a D, it is usually when she sees me when I pick up my son. It does not stop her from seeing the OM. God... I have no idea how that feels but I couldnt stand it. My wife talks to a guy that she refuses to disclose to me other than "just a friend". I believe she has been seeing this person and hanging out with him. She comes home after 4:00am on a Tuesday night which is totally unacceptable for me because she still claims she is trying to find a job. Don't make describe her weekend partying/drinking. However, when she talks on the phone with him and I see my son sleeping next to her in bed... I am ENRAGED with ANGER and BAD TEMPER because the thought of another man in my son's life that i don't even know KILLS ME!!! I know he takes a martial art and is enrolled in the same class my wife goes to M-F every week and then often hangs out with her martial arts friends afterwards. I want to go there and announce to all her friends, "HEY I KNOW SHE DOESNT TALK ABOUT ME BUT YOU KNOW SHE IS NOT SINGLE RIGHT?!! AND OH YEAH IM HER MOTHER@#$@#$% HUSBAND!!!" But that is my bad korean temper talking and yeah i got some serious issues with her unacceptable behavior. Your W is scared of the future, just as mind is. She may not want to be married anymore, but she is still afraid of the future. She too was comfortable in the relationship, no matter how rocky in may have been. I used to think it was all my fault that the marriage went south to disaster but I am thinking that she too had some issues that did contribute to the problem we face now. I just feel that my issues caused most of her decision in termination for the marriage and does not feel like reconcile at this point. Basically I started the problems and she ended the marriage... I still feel like the bad guy so I been swallowing my wife's joy of freedom so to speak with her friends and sucking up the jealousy/hurt that she is spending more time with others instead of working out things with me. Please do not dwell on .01 % chance of making it work. My STBXW gives me mixed singals all the time. She wants huggs and misses me. It is all because of her fear. She does not love me enough to let me truly go. I wanted to make it work until she told me it was over and there was nothing I could do to make her change her mind. I guess I shouldn't have a fool's hope and dream... /sigh I have always been optimistic in my life and I can't help it. Some people calm me a dreamer but whatever... I guess I am "fortunate" in this area as far as signals goes.. My wife shows no emotions to me and wants to avoid me most of the time. I am the one that initiates the conversation and 'where do we go from here' type of conversations. She also does not want to have any physical contact with me. I gave her maybe 5-6 hugs in 6-8 months. I snuck a kiss and she arched her back so bad that I thought she was going to do a back flip. If she is physically hurt, she has a knee jerk reaction to me when I try to inspect it. It is also like pulling teeth to drag her feelings and thoughts out. She just sez "i dunno" a lot... drives me crazy. I said I was "fortunate" earlier because I am not getting those mix signs yet. Yeah I know it seems hopeless for me.... So, now I have accepted it and she is scared of losing me. She is in love with the OM, but is scared it may be a mistake to let me go. So, give it time and try to move on. I know it is hard. I am 2 1/2 months into this and it kills me everyday to know my life is forever changed. No wife, no family(with her and my son) and no dream house. I have a 4 y/o son also. Love your son and just be the best dad you can be. Help him through this. Do not fight with his mom or talk bad about her in anyway. Good luck my friend!! Yeah man I am looking for reserves of inner strength and mental fortitude to survive this mess. Right now it feels like it is the calm before the storm... My wife suggested to me after the divorce that she is hoping we could be best friends. I seriously think this is impossible for me.. it hurts too much. But I will never talk bad about my son's mom because I highly respect her as a mother. She is the best mom my son could ever had and does a great job caring for him! -Shin0bi1 Edited April 4, 2008 by Shin0bi1
Author Shin0bi1 Posted April 4, 2008 Author Posted April 4, 2008 There's no reason why you can't do that. You'd do well to think about how you'll control debt made in your name though. Your best bet is to see an attorney and figure out how you're going to address that. Hey Ladyjane14, yeah the first thing I did today since I had a chance during lunch was open my own checking account. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I felt a small victory and I smiled... why I smiled? Getting control of my life back! It is also funny you mentioned about the attorney thing... lil did I know, my lil sis married a husband who has a lot of knowledge on this. I didn't know that her mother'in'law is a lawyer and that half of that family are lawyers. I just found out about this yesterday...Talk about luck huh? I am about to get some seriously good advice on how to handle this situation if turns out to be bad. You know your situation best, of course. But to be honest, you haven't posted anything yet which would lead me to believe she's going to change her mind. You've been going at this since before the holidays, right? Yeah she announced Last August she was not in love with me anymore. She has progressively gotten distant to me as the months went on and I became increasingly suspicous that there was someone else involved. I have confronted her about this and she told me that I am thinking to much that she only has friends (most of them male). She is a total hypocrite btw, in the past she told me male and female could not be close friends because the sex thing would get in the way. As time went on, I was paranoid of losing her so I hacked into her cellphone account and saw strange activities. Like 600 text messages to the same number in one month and phone calls that were really late into the night. I confronted her about this and demanded to know who this person was. She was reluctant to tell me because she didn't want me to have get the wrong idea about things. I knew that in order for this to work, I had to trust her eventually. I had to stop monitoring her computer usages so I stopped spying on her. As time went on, she started to stay out late at night and not return any of my calls or notify me she was going out. I had to ask her family on her whereabouts and this aggravated me because she purposely excluded me. I asked her who is she seeing and what is she doing. She basically said it was none of my business. I said of'course it is and I am your husband so I have a right to know. She responded that we don't have a marriage right now and that we are separated. I am living in my son's room so we are separated in that sense. I couldn't believe this at the time... she had already moved on, stopped wearing the ring, acting like she is single, even though we were legally married right now. She started to lie more and I caught her red-handed. I told her why is she lying to me, she never did this before. One night, 6 weeks ago, she came home at 5am on a Sunday night! She avoided all my 30 calls and messages and I was really worried that she got into a car accident. When she finally picked up the phone, she told me not to worry about her and that I was over reacting. WTF?!!?!? She said that if I was told, she was going to see a friend for drinks on a Sunday, I would freak out on her. I told her, because you lied to me about this, regardless of who you are seeing, you have now made me more paranoid. She also disrespected me like forging my signature on a pay check that I was waiting for and spent the money for her car. I was going to do this anyways but the fact she did that and told me days later was really disappointing. I started to lose a lot of respect for her and trust. I questioned her once, I said "You know that these guy(s) are really flirting with you right? And that you are really enjoying the attention you are getting!" She told me there was nothing wrong with that. I then said, "Do they know that you are married and that your husband lives at home with you?" She tells me does not disclose her marriage life/situation with her new friends...so basically she's single/separated even though we are legally married and I live in the same house with her. Recently, the increased private phone calls to this one guy really bothered me. I don't mind that she hangs out with her friends coz they go in groups but I feel that who in their right mind will hang out in groups on a Tuesday night till 4:30am? Don't her friends work??! I feel she is seeing this guy that I have seen her talk to on the phone with. In the past, she has been sneaking off into the basement to have a private conversation which makes her look like she is up to something. When I confront her about him, she sez "It's not the way you think it is". I said to her, why are you hiding him if there is nothing to hide? "We are just friends" is the response. Well that night she got sick of me inquirying and letting her know to call him back because we need to discuss marriage/divorce crap. We got into a heated argument, I lost my temper, and she officially announced she wanted a divorce. I am looking back, I lost my temper that night because while she was talking on the phone to this guy, my son was sleeping right next to her. I was ENRAGED at the thought of some guy, total stranger, who I don't know, might be involved in my son's life. I am really pissed off about this and going to set it off in my counseling session tomorrow. Good thing it is individual sessions this time and not joint or she will hear nasty things I have to say that is built up inside me. She sounds a bit immature to me. She might be one of those kind of gals who doesn't appreciate what they had... until somebody else has it. If it were me, I think I'd stick tight to my 180's and let her wonder if I was slipping off the leash. p.s. The added benefit of 180's is that, at the very least, they help move you further down the path to healing. Yeah I say she is immature. She has had 12 months to find a job but she is so gawdamn picky and choosy she has not found work yet. I told her 6 weeks ago that I am thinking of cutting her off so I can save up for an apartment to move out. I told her that her activities and car are her responsibility and that if she gets the car repo'ed she failed herself and her son. My son relies on her to go to his activities and things. So far, she has not had one interview yet. I dunno what happened to my wife. She used to be head strong, hard working, do anything for me, my son, and her family. Not she is just escaping all her problems by staying late at night somewhere. IT FREAKING KILLS ME when my son wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to my room crying at 2:00am asking me "Where is mommy?" I can't answer this question because I have no clue. I hate it when this happens during the weekday because that affects my work performance the next day. You might ask yourself why she is going out late at night, well she knows that her mom, me, her lil sisters, brothers, etc.. will be there for my son at night to watch him. I really think she is starting to advantage of this for her fun time. I am also thinking that because she stopped working to help raise our son and sacrificed a lot in her life for years, she is thinking that she has missed out a lot in her life as well. I dunno if this is a factor but she is turning 30 in a couple of months so maybe there is a crises there? I have no freaking idea what she thinks/feels whatever because she hides it from me. Also, when I talk/text her on her cellphone we can sometimes have nice small chats. When I write thoughtful letters or surprise her with a flower, it weirds her out and I think it is because if she responds to that, it might send the "wrong message" to me. I dunno...i know it looks bad. I am seeking ways of cutting her off slowly without her taking this personally but I don't see any other way. One thing for sure, I want to remove my name from the join checking account because it sure will hit the negatives soon once I change my direct deposit to the new checking account. I am trying not to be petty and ill tempered and ill rational and open minded but I really think she is, on some level, doing me wrong. I don't think she is physcally cheating on me, but I believe that sharing strong emotions with someone else brought some excitement to her and also a shoulder to cry on. I also feel that since we live in her parents house right now, she has gotten lazy and too comfortable to make a consistent effort to contribute financially to us and her immediate family. sorry for long post -Shin0bi1
datingmum Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I am also thinking that because she stopped working to help raise our son and sacrificed a lot in her life for years, she is thinking that she has missed out a lot in her life as well. I dunno if this is a factor but she is turning 30 in a couple of months so maybe there is a crises there? I have no freaking idea what she thinks/feels whatever because she hides it from me. This seems to be the key in the situation. I went through this sort of thing. I married my highschool sweetheart (started going out at 14 married at 21) and then had two children at 25. It was wonderful and I wouldn't change that story for anything, but I did start to feel like I was drowning in my responsibilities as a wife (I'd trained him to do NO housework around the house etc) and mother were too much, so much that if I didn't change something, I'd die as a person. I tried to address this in counselling with my ex, in many long long long heartfelt letters, but after 1 year, I realised he was too depressed to try himself. Please, communicate with her if you can, not through anger or pressure or your family. do something nice for her. what do you have to lose. Ask her out on a date and see if you can coax from her the real problem. Say what my exhusband said to me once that broke my heart "there is enough love in your heart for more than one person". See what she says, can you listen, without anger??? good luck, the path of love is not always one of comfort and joy, it can be rocky and steep and you will find many bodies littered along the way.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I just feel that my issues caused most of her decision in termination for the marriage and does not feel like reconcile at this point. Basically I started the problems and she ended the marriage... You know, when guys are dealing with a walkaway wife sometimes they feel guiltier than they strictly ought to feel. You haven't said specifically what you did that you're feeling so bad about. You mentioned some financial trouble and a period of stress where you kind of emotionally 'checked out' of the relationship. Are you sure that the punishment is justifying the crime here? Your wife considers herself to be single, and her comment that 'she doesn't disclose her marriage life/situation with her new friends...so basically she's single/separated', tells you EXACTLY where her head is. Here's the deal though... we can't have it both ways. We can't enjoy the benefits of marriage without the commitment that goes with it. You, my friend, are being HAD. This woman has no marital loyalty to you. She has a history of hinky behavior and mysterious phone calls. She's LIVING SINGLE. As I read through your last two posts, you're doing the exact opposite of 180's. You're bringing big relationship talk, acting jealous, letting her see your temper, calling her all the time, and on and on. Here's the list again. I think you'd do well to read the book too. That way, you'll understand WHY you're doing what you're doing: Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Listen... you ARE going to be okay. No matter how this thing turns out. What you have to focus on though is being HEALTHY and being a good father to your son. If things eventually work out with your wife, great. But if not, you're going to move on and maybe meet a better woman, one who will be able to help you set a GOOD marriage model for your child. You'll have learned alot through this experience, and it will serve you well in ALL your future relationships. No one can supplant you in your son's life. You are his natural father. No one else on the entire planet can say that. Stop freaking out, and do what's best for you and your kid. Get back on your feet, provide a home where he can feel secure and loved, a sanctuary of tranquility and solace. This girl is walking on you like a rug. But you don't have to be nasty and you don't have to be mean to put a stop to it. In fact, you only allow her to be reassured of her control over you when you let her see your temper. Let her see NOTHING that doesn't suit your purposes to let her see. You're a MAN by God... not a mouse. You can do this. 180's. Get on it. Talk to your sister's lawyer family and get some advice. Get a handle on your budget. And for the love of Mike.... stop paying for your WW's social life. You need to save your money. If your 'little bug' fusses, have a man-to-man with him. Let him know that you just don't have the money for Tae Kwon Do right now, and that when things are better, you'll be taking him back to class. Then.... buy him a kid-sized fishing pole and teach him how to fish. He's FIVE. He'll do just fine.
Gunny376 Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 No more Mr. Nice Guy! No more Mr. Please! LJ's right! Time to cut the strings that bind? Time to quit financing her romancing? Thirty years old with a MS in education ~ and she can't find a job? BS! Goggle "Women's Infedlity" ~ its an e-book, cost you about 20 bucks. It'll open your eyes? I'm not saying the wife is cheating ~ but I'd bet next month's retirement check on it that she is! At the very least she's having an EM. Meanwhile? With literally a housefull of lawyers available to you? I'd be filling for divorce, seeking sole custody of DS, and everything worth stealing? If she got her car re-poed? Oh well, that's a little something that I would like to call Life? How long are you going to put up with this blantant dis-respect? Abuse? She's acting single ~ you going to stick around until your drinking doubles? You know Bro? Even rats know when to get off of a sinking ship? The only difference between your marriage and the Titantic and its current state is the Titantic had a band playing when it was going down? Time to "Man-up!"
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