shutdown Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 i have been 11 years with my girl 2 years married with 2 wonderful children. As of feb. 4 i left the house cause she wasnt happy, first she wanted to sperate , than a few days later she broke up with me . she says that the relationship was toxic, i had no clue. i begged to get her back . but it didnt work . as days past by , she be came evil. she goes out every weekend , she took off her wedding rings , she doesnt calls me . she doent want a divorce ,and all of my clothes are still over there. i remember her saying 2 months before this went down that she loves me and never wants to be with out me . 7 weeks later .where the hell did that go. it hard for me to stay away from her cause she has the kids .i love them to death . and it breaks my heart every time they ask me when am i coming home .she tells me that i need to find myself . i need to be happy . all she has done is make me angry. in my mind i want to run her down with my car. i ask god to help me , not to take her away from me , and to give me my family back . i cant live with out them . .
datingmum Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hi there. I feel your pain. Want to hear the advice of someone who was in the almost exact same position but the other side? 1. You have to be careful right now, what you do is very important to saving your marriage and preventing damage for your children. If there is any opportunity for you two to reconcile, what you do now will affect the outcome. Please do not storm over there and angrily do ANYTHING, no matter how much you want to. 2. Examine what your wife has said to you. Why is the relationship toxic? What is going on? What are her issues? What are your issues? It always takes two people to get to this situation, where does YOUR responsibility lie? I am not saying this to provoke or upset you, I am asking you because it is vital to understand her point of view. 3. How old are you two? 4. Drop out of contact as much as you can, barring quick cold discussions about your daughter for the moment. Act unaffected, not too hostile!!! Pretend even you're happy. You're buying a bit of time to figure out what has happened. 5. You say she doesn't want a divorce? Why? What exactly did she say? 6. You've been together a long time. What exactly would your wife dream of if a man were to woo her over with a huge romantic gesture? Only you will know the answer to this. 7. Find a therapist/counsellor immediately. You can tell your wife you are going, but don't get too heavy into why. You NEED some support right now and are reaching out. You sound so upset and lost, and I feel for you. All of this advice is assuming you would like to reconcile... Do not be shy about telling her you are trying to figure out what went wrong and that you love her and want to understand, for now or for future relationships. But don't tell her too much. Once or twice will do. This is what I wish my exhusband, high school sweetheart, together in total for 15 years with 2 kids would have done. I probably would have reconsidered. Instead, we fought, he was bitter and would not have the children, which I found distasteful and was generally bitter and hateful towards me. I'd also tell you to go and download How to Stop Your Divorce by Homer McDonald, google him. Also visit the website http://www.marriagebuilders.com for lots of great advice on how to build your relationship and get back to a place where you two can be in a good relationship again.
NickP Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 What is odd is that she's acting as if the marriage is over but she doesn't want a divorce. From the way I see it, there still is chance in fixing this. When I broke up with my ex, time & space was def what we both needed. It gives you a chance to miss the other person. So don't force yourself on her by insisting you should come home,etc. Take things slow. DO NOT resort to violence. Making her feel totally responsible for this maritial problem is not going to help either. DM is right. Reconciling a relationship will take work from both sides. you love your family. and im guessing, for her to have been with you for 11 years and have had 2 kids with you, she loved you at some point (and I think definitely still does). Don't give up. Always let her see it in your eyes (and ACTIONS) that you'll love no other woman like you love her.
Author shutdown Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Thank you so so so much datingmum. I needed to hear this from a women .you give me so much hope. well im 30 and she 28
Author shutdown Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 hey nickp at times it seems to me that it is over , but than she gives me hope thank for the advice. thank you both.
Darth Vader Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) i have been 11 years with my girl 2 years married with 2 wonderful children. As of feb. 4 i left the house cause she wasnt happy, first she wanted to sperate , than a few days later she broke up with me . she says that the relationship was toxic, i had no clue. i begged to get her back . but it didnt work . as days past by , she be came evil. she goes out every weekend , she took off her wedding rings , she doesnt calls me . she doent want a divorce ,and all of my clothes are still over there. i remember her saying 2 months before this went down that she loves me and never wants to be with out me . 7 weeks later .where the hell did that go. it hard for me to stay away from her cause she has the kids .i love them to death . and it breaks my heart every time they ask me when am i coming home .she tells me that i need to find myself . i need to be happy . all she has done is make me angry. in my mind i want to run her down with my car. i ask god to help me , not to take her away from me , and to give me my family back . i cant live with out them . . You say she's going out, stopped wearing her wedding ring/s? I wonder who's the guy she sleeping with!? Trust me on this, from what you've described right here it's apparent that she's out riding other guys. I know it's horrible to say, but I know that you've thought of it, I'm just pointing it out because so far no one else here has done it yet! I would move back into the house, because she may try to go for Abandonment, also it may be harder for her to bring guys over to the house around your 2 girls! Find out if she's sleeping around, strange cell phone numbers, texts, even computer emails, if she's changed any passwords, that's a huge red flag there! Install a computer keylogger, a good one will capture sceen shots and passwords! If she is cheating, contact a good lawyer and find out about your rights in the matter! Edited March 30, 2008 by Darth Vader
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 oh my god, shutdown, please do not join the dark side! No, Darth Vader's advice could be true. That's a 50% risk you run. But maybe say you only find she's flirting with other men, or even *oh* having sexual conversations with other men. I did this before my marriage broke down. As I NEVER cheated on anyone, that was a huge red flag for me to check myself and get out of the marriage because it was not fulfilling me in many many ways. It will not help you to spy on her and find out anything she is doing right now. Just trust in this: you've been married for a long time. That's wonderful and worth fighting for. Believe in that. The other 50% of the possibility of what's happening and what I did with my exhusband AND exfiance: taking off the rings is a major woman way of saying "I'm really pissed off and I'm serious about this. It's almost over you jerk! You need to prove you're changing to me or that's it!" She has said she doesn't want a divorce. Please just follow my earlier advice. I left my ex at 28. It's like a mid-life crisis time, nearing thirty, for many women I know. Especially if they had children in their early/mid twenties. They want to get out there and 'feel the pretty' in themselves before it all dies. If she feels like she is finally coming back to herself after raising two kids and feels a bit of her power and autonomy again, she will be looking around her and judging her life, seeing if it is all up to standard. She will blame you too for ruts she's in/your marriage is in. i thought "crap, I'm almost 30 and things aren't good in this marriage and I've given it a million tries and told him what i need him to do and he just FLAT OUT REFUSES to do it! I better get out while I'm still young enough to find another man!" Feel free to private message me on here if you want to talk about it. I just so feel for you and the babies, who knows if my advice will help, but there was definitely opportunity for my ex there - he just didn't take it. Strangely, there were times after when I felt like HE dumped ME because he just could not/would not accomodate my wants and needs! To be honest, he might even still have a chance until the day I die if he was able to meet those needs and came galloping back up with a massive huge gesture! Who knows what this life will bring? You write your fate!
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 the secret here is to also think of a list of things YOU were unhappy with in the marriage. Surely, there must be some if not many. Write it down in detail! This is part of seizing your power back too! You BOTH got you to this stage. It will give you confidence and strength in times of grief. I forgot to add that my 'mid-life' crisis I mentioned earlier was also about realising I wanted to do something with my life, an opportunity that I wasn't getting with my partner because he weighed me down with ALL the child rearing and household responsibilities. He took me for granted! I wanted to get out into the world and prove to myself I could make it and do something and make a good living! He never 'disapproved' in theory, but it was impossible unless he made some sacrifices. maybe this is part of what's happening?
Author shutdown Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 hey datingmum i she came to pick up the kids on friday , my brother had them. i got a chance to speak to her. i ask her what i did wrong . she replied i did just about everything wrong , and all she needed was a little space, so that everything can come to light. well that day i sat back and started think what i did wrong. there was a lot . i didnt do alot of the little things that count.i let her do just about everything . i know that i help out with the kids 100%. but i didnt give her my all .reading what u wrote and the links made me feel much better about my self . its going on 3months april 4. thankyou so much ill keep u updated
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Listen, seriously email me if you need to on specifics ok? Do you know how to private message people on here!
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