What do I do?

[nadiaj2727]

As for her being "in the dark," she isn't. I have told her time and again about our affair, and our continuing affair. I have told her these things so that BOTH of us can figure out what to do. I have given her proof on many levels. Instead of being an ally (which I realize is difficult considering the circumstances), she has chosen to believe him yet again. I am not even sure what he is telling her at this point. I have a hard time believing him and a hard time believing her.

Would she lie to me just to get me to end it with him? Absolutely. Would he lie to me to get me to continue to be his "girl on a string?" Absolutely. I would like to resolve all of this, but I cannot get the truth from anyone.

Believe it or not, I have been the only one that has been honest about all of this. I have never lied about our relationship. I also have never slept with anyone else.

She, however, has lied to me numerous times, and had an affair of her own. She said that because he cheated on her, it was her right to cheat on him. It wasn't a one time thing either. She was living with the guy while in military training. Also, she WENT OFF BIRTH CONTROL WITHOUT TELLING HIM TO TRAP HIM.

 

If this is true and he is not lying to her about the status of the affair, then basically, BOTH of you are choosing to allow him to be with two women at once. You are both allowing him to be married and have a mistress. She is no more at fault for this than you are. In fact, I don't mean to sound harsh, but she is the one who is legally married to him so she has more of an incentive to fight to keep her marriage and family intact. I don't understand your incentive. Why do you keep allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?

 

I am not trying to be harsh, I am trying to help you see your way out of this messed up situation. Honestly, it sounds kind of like polygamy! If both of you are okay with sharing him, okay... work it out. But if you personally are not okay with sharing him, then stop it. You have the control there.

 

The first step you need to take to overcome what you recognize to be an addiction and an unhealthy situation for you and your children is to STOP blaming your actions on him or her. Honestly I don't understand your need to emphasize that she "trapped" him into getting pregnant. She is his wife and they were obviously having sex and he knew a child come come of it... if he didn't want one, he should have worn a condom, but honestly it seems as if he was a willing participant in creating a child with his wife, which is NORMAL in a marriage and nothing to say she "trapped" him into. And I do wonder... did he know you weren't taking active steps to not get pregnant (twice)? This man seems to not care who he gets pregnant with, and both of you are enabling him to do that. And no offense but you are are more at fault because you are not his wife, his family unit... so you had more of an incentive to make sure you didn't get pregnant. I am just trying to get you to see the other side of things. I'm sure she would be here telling us that YOU trapped him into pregnancy/ fatherhood so he would be with you over her. So it's ironic that you say his own wife trapped him.

 

Anyway, I think you should stop focusing on all the reasons she "lets" him be with you, all the things she's done wrong and he's done wrong etc. and just focus on YOU. How can you chang so that you no longer allow yourself and your children to be caught up in this messy triangle?

[MimiMe]

Why are you and his W in so much communication? Shoot! and I though my situation was a novela. You guys are off the hook!

She lives comfortable so of course she is going to do what it takes for her to maintain her status and sorry to tell you, it is her right. He gave it to her when he married her. Both you and her should kick his a$$ to the curve. Good that you are going to school and doing things to better yourself, because it seems as your children will only have you.

 

If something happens to him in Iraq (God forbid) what is going to happen to your kids? I am sure his wife will be taken care of and his kid with her.

And if she doesn't work- how is it that she has your kids under her insurance? Unless she has cobra then wouldn't her insurance be his same policy? How is it that the service doesn't know about your kids not being hers? I understand that maybe the 1 kid, but if you guys have children few weeks apart...

[mistresswchildren]

Why are you and his W in so much communication? Shoot! and I though my situation was a novela. You guys are off the hook!

She lives comfortable so of course she is going to do what it takes for her to maintain her status and sorry to tell you, it is her right. He gave it to her when he married her. Both you and her should kick his a$$ to the curve. Good that you are going to school and doing things to better yourself, because it seems as your children will only have you.

 

If something happens to him in Iraq (God forbid) what is going to happen to your kids? I am sure his wife will be taken care of and his kid with her.

And if she doesn't work- how is it that she has your kids under her insurance? Unless she has cobra then wouldn't her insurance be his same policy? How is it that the service doesn't know about your kids not being hers? I understand that maybe the 1 kid, but if you guys have children few weeks apart...

My children are not covered under her insurance. They are covered under his. This issue is that because he is in Iraq, she has power of attorney. This is why she needs to take care of the medical insurance, which still isn't done by the way. As far as if something happens to him, we have an agreement stating that he needs to hold a life insurance policy for the benefit of my two children. They would still be entitled to medical coverage through the military even if he passed.

[mistresswchildren]

If this is true and he is not lying to her about the status of the affair, then basically, BOTH of you are choosing to allow him to be with two women at once. You are both allowing him to be married and have a mistress. She is no more at fault for this than you are. In fact, I don't mean to sound harsh, but she is the one who is legally married to him so she has more of an incentive to fight to keep her marriage and family intact. I don't understand your incentive. Why do you keep allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?

 

I am not trying to be harsh, I am trying to help you see your way out of this messed up situation. Honestly, it sounds kind of like polygamy! If both of you are okay with sharing him, okay... work it out. But if you personally are not okay with sharing him, then stop it. You have the control there.

 

I don't feel that you were being harsh. I feel that my situation is more screwed up than some others and it is hard for every one to understand what is going on. She is aware of the situation, but she is in denial because he did not personally tell her that the affair was still continuing.

As far as my incentive goes, I'm not sure that there is one. That is why I am seeking advice about it. How do you quit something when there is still hope? I have tried numerous times to end it. Each time he comes back begging me to be with him and promising a life together. Each time he has a good excuse on why things haven't been properly done. The guy is either a really good liar, or has a lot on his plate (more likely the former rather than the latter).

He himself stated that his W tried to trap him by getting pregnant. As soon as she found out about my son, she decided to go off the pill. Now don't get me wrong, I don't condone the fact that he obviously slept with her, but I feel that it is extremely devious to go off birth control without letting your spouse in on the plan. Why would he use a condom? She was on birth control.

I was on birth control the first time I got pregnant, but due to female circumstances I was given hormones that made the pill ineffective. He was aware that I was on the hormones from the start. The second time, we used condoms (that he purchased) and one broke. That is all that it takes sometimes.

Throughout all of this I have been extremely attentive to my children. They are my life. He is just details. I would like to have him in OUR lives jointly, but I do not know if that is possible. Getting over this is not that easy as some of you know. It takes time, and when the MM keeps coming back, it is so hard to turn him away, especially when you have two children with that person.

I would love NC, but it is impossible. As soon as I try it, he comes up with some reason pertaining to the children that we need to talk. I, like a dumba**, start talking to him and get sucked in all over again. I have no idea how to break the cycle.

This forum does seem to be cathartic in a way though. I realize that not everyone understands my thoughts or my situation, but at least I get some sympathy and some criticism. That is what I need. Counseling doesn't do it for me. Counselors don't know what to do. They try to tell me to follow my instincts. Well, it was a very basic instinct that got me into this, so how are my instincts supposed to get me out of it?

[LakesideDream]

Isn't there a giant elephant in the room?

 

This is the 21st Century. Why did you become pregnant with another womans husband? There are a myrid of methods to avoid pregnancy, did your choice fail... twice?

 

I personally assauted everyday by the media about the importance of "using protection" did you miss the message? I haven't had relations with a "fertile" (pre menopause) lady in 5 years, and I use a condom. Am I just being paranoid?

[bentnotbroken]

I understand any mother wanting to protect her children at all cost. That is being a good mother. I just have a problem with some of the statements you have made about the W. Even if everything you say about her is true, she is the W. And whatever her actions, reasons, motivations she was married to him when you had sex with him and had his children. To me her actions are understandable, even if they are wrong. I just seems kind of, I don't know, hypocritical to talk about her motives.

[mistresswchildren]

I understand any mother wanting to protect her children at all cost. That is being a good mother. I just have a problem with some of the statements you have made about the W. Even if everything you say about her is true, she is the W. And whatever her actions, reasons, motivations she was married to him when you had sex with him and had his children. To me her actions are understandable, even if they are wrong. I just seems kind of, I don't know, hypocritical to talk about her motives.

 

I understand what you mean, however, I am not sure I entirely agree. No matter what I did to her, that is no reason to threaten my children. I have seriously placed myself in her shoes, and I feel that there is no way that I would ever dream of taking it out on innocent children. Does she have a right to hate me? Sure, but that is only eating away at her. The real question is does she have a right to HATE my children to the point at which she would cause them physical harm. I do not think that there is ever a reason to physically harm a child, no matter who you are.

[child_of_isis]

Most likely she thinks you "trapped" him with the children. Most likely this is what he has told her.

 

Most likely she has tried to leave the M and he begs her back with lies & promises.

[mistresswchildren]

Most likely she thinks you "trapped" him with the children. Most likely this is what he has told her.

 

Most likely she has tried to leave the M and he begs her back with lies & promises.

 

Good point. I probably wouldn't have thought about the fact that he has probably begged her to stay with him in the same way. I guess I assumed that she was begging him not to leave her, but it could work the other way. My question is, why would he ask for both of us to stay with him? Wouldn't it be easier for him to give up one of us? Is he really just incapable of loving someone else? I don't know the answers to these questions. I am kind of thinking "out loud." If anyone has any thoughts on it, I'm listening.

[bentnotbroken]

I understand what you mean, however, I am not sure I entirely agree. No matter what I did to her, that is no reason to threaten my children. I have seriously placed myself in her shoes, and I feel that there is no way that I would ever dream of taking it out on innocent children. Does she have a right to hate me? Sure, but that is only eating away at her. The real question is does she have a right to HATE my children to the point at which she would cause them physical harm. I do not think that there is ever a reason to physically harm a child, no matter who you are.

 

 

 

I didn't say that she had the right to hate or harm your children, what I said was I understand the pain that she has been caused and the thought process that isn't clear, but it comes from a place of pain. But you emotionally harmed her and she is acting out. Protect you children at all cost, but do understand that our actions do sometimes affect the ones we love. I told on the ow and she has been out for payback since then. Even stalking my kids. So yes, you(and I)bear some responsibility.

[child_of_isis]

Truthfully, his actions don't say that he wants you in his life. His words do.

 

I almost bet it is guilt.

 

He may feel responsible for what he has done to you & your children's lives.

 

My question is, why would he ask for both of us to stay with him?

[mistresswchildren]

BNB

I do understand your point. Sorry, if you felt that I was getting defensive. My point is, you can screw with me all you want, but if you screw with my kids you're DONE. Do I understand where she is coming from? In some ways yes. I still just do not think that excuses her threats. I do not excuse my own behavior. I cannot sit here and say "We were in love." Don't get me wrong, I believe we were, but that still does not excuse the action.

I would most likely have compassion for this woman if it were not for the fact that she said that about my kids. I never hated her until that point. I use the term hate because I truly feel that way about ANYONE that threatens my children (including him, if he ever threatened them).

I take my part in all of this. I made her angry. I hurt her. I messed up her relationship. I will admit to all of that, but I will not say that she is justified in making threats to my children. I suppose it does not matter though. Luckily, I have three or four e-mails that she sent to me, and a tape recording. She has stated time and again that she would not be "safe" around them. I am fairly certain that even if their M works out, she will never be allowed to be alone with my children even if her H wants visitation.

[child_of_isis]

It sounds as if both you & W are using the children to manipulate MM.

 

Not that I care mind you....he deserves everything he gets....just pointing it out.

 

She has stated time and again that she would not be "safe" around them. I am fairly certain that even if their M works out, she will never be allowed to be alone with my children even if her H wants visitation.

[mistresswchildren]

It sounds as if both you & W are using the children to manipulate MM.

 

Not that I care mind you....he deserves everything he gets....just pointing it out.

 

Again, I understand what you are saying, but I do not really feel that way. I actually am doing fine on my own without him. I am actually really proud at how I have become independent on a variety of levels (just not emotionally yet). As far as the kids go, I do not want him to be with me because of them. I do not use them. They are too important to me to use them simply to get a man back into my life.

We actually do not talk about them unless he asks. Part of that is because I would really like him to ask and be worthy of them, and part of it is because I want to know if he wants me or if he just wants the kids. Lately, he has barely asked about them. This does not make me happy. I feel that if he wants to be a "Daddy," then he should ask about them all the time; however, if he wants to be a sperm donor, then he can keep doing what he is doing.

I think that because he has been in Iraq, my feelings for him might have changed, but I want to know for sure. I do not want to give up on the man I fell in love with, but I do not want the man that he is presenting right now.