mistresswchildren Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 The entire time that me and my MM have been involved, he has been claiming that he will leave his wife. He has lied to me multiple times. He has continued to lie. He is now in the military and in Iraq, and STILL married. It would be so simple to drop him if it weren't for our children. We have two beautiful babies. Our son just turned two and our daughter is 8 months. I say that it would be easy to drop him, but almost any person that has been involved in an emotional affair knows that it is not that easy. The children bond me to him in a way that I can't explain. I want to end it, but my heart does not know how to let go. I am sick of being disappointed. I am sick of trying to make something work that I really have no hope of accomplishing. So, why is this so hard? Those of you out there that have had to end a relationship like this, please tell me what you did. How do you say good bye to something that you have been working towards for so long? How do you end it, when you still feel there is hope? I'm a little lost and confused on all of this. If anyone has anything to help me through, I would greatly appreciate it.
GreenEyedLady Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 He will never leave because he has never been forced to make a choice... You allow him to continue the deception, the relationships, the hurt... You and your children deserve better...As well as his W and their children... End it and you will see who he really loves...
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 It's real simple. You have to decide what your self-respect is worth. No one can decide that for you. If you make a change, it will happen on your timetable. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Hope you've established paternity so the military can help your kids (and yourself).
Author mistresswchildren Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Yes, paternity has been established. The issue is getting support while he is in Iraq. No one can legally touch him over there. The military is not so pleased though, and I hesitate to bring too much up because he is an officer and they frown on adultery, to the point where he might get kicked out. I keep telling myself that if that happens it is not my fault, but I always blame myself. I have to do what I have to do for the kids. They are number one in my life.
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I have to do what I have to do for the kids. Stay focused on that. MM knew exactly what he was doing and the risk he was taking with his career.
Never_Again Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 The entire time that me and my MM have been involved, he has been claiming that he will leave his wife. He has lied to me multiple times. He has continued to lie. He is now in the military and in Iraq, and STILL married. It would be so simple to drop him if it weren't for our children. We have two beautiful babies. Our son just turned two and our daughter is 8 months. I say that it would be easy to drop him, but almost any person that has been involved in an emotional affair knows that it is not that easy. The children bond me to him in a way that I can't explain. I want to end it, but my heart does not know how to let go. I am sick of being disappointed. I am sick of trying to make something work that I really have no hope of accomplishing. So, why is this so hard? Those of you out there that have had to end a relationship like this, please tell me what you did. How do you say good bye to something that you have been working towards for so long? How do you end it, when you still feel there is hope? I'm a little lost and confused on all of this. If anyone has anything to help me through, I would greatly appreciate it. It's hard to give advice to you on this. If you stay, you will be unhappy. If you leave, you will be unhappy. I left the whole situation because I knew I deserved more and I figured out he was lying and manipulating me for the second time. I just couldn't do that to myself anymore. I have a lot more self-respect than to just let him use me until I was completely used up. It's almost been a year and there are no signs that are telling me I am going to feel better. I thought I was great, until he started contacting me again. Because we have a child together. So, since you have a child together, you will unfortunately always have that bond. I think I would rather be dead than deal with this sh*t anymore (not a suicide threat... just saying...).
Author mistresswchildren Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I understand the sentiment. If there were just NC then it would all be fine, but with children involved it is so hard to move on. There will never be a time when he will just leave me alone. He doesn't even ask about the kids anymore. He just focuses on me. Sometimes, I think that it is because the children aren't the reason that he wants to be with me. Then I realize that it takes a special kind of idiot to not care about his kids. I keep trying to remind myself of that, but it's not easy.
child_of_isis Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Here is the low down. Hang on to your heart because it ain't pretty... He sees the children as "your" children. Does he have children with his W? If so...in all likelihood, these are the children that he considers "his". He doesn't even ask about the kids anymore. He just focuses on me. Sometimes, I think that it is because the children aren't the reason that he wants to be with me. Then I realize that it takes a special kind of idiot to not care about his kids. I keep trying to remind myself of that, but it's not easy.
nadiaj2727 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hi and welcome MWC. GEL is right that you must force him to make a choice and you will find out who he really loves. But my question is, do you really want this man? It sounds like he only loves himself. I am willing to bet he will stay with whatever woman still "wants" him once he is forced to choose. He has cheated on his wife with you for all this time and has never left her for you or given you up for her and the sake of their marriage. Do you feel he would stop cheating if he was with you and you two had the primary relationship? To me it sounds like he will lie and cheat as long as he can get away with it. You are right that he won't continue to get away with it as an officer in the Army. But you shouldn't let him continue to get away with it either. To break it off with him, you have to focus on yourself and your children. Have respect for yourself and them so that you won't continue getting your heart broken by this obvious slimeball. I am sorry to hear about your situation, I wish you and your children the best. Remember that he can't get away with anything you don't let him get away with. And remember that you are better than all of this, you deserve more and so do your children.
Author mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Does he have children with his W? If so...in all likelihood, these are the children that he considers "his". He has one child with his W. She gave birth to a little boy one week after my daughter was born. My children are his first two. Does that really matter? I don't think that it does. He has been playing us both. I have tried to have conversations with his W because she is responsible for getting my daughter insured. She refuses to believe anything I say, which actually makes me laugh a little. Why would she believe a man that cheated on her twice over someone that she knows is just in search of the truth? I guess we will believe anything that makes us feel better. This is why I am still in this situation. Do I feel that he would cheat later? I am not sure. I have no idea. I think that he is fairly screwed up in the head. I want this all to end, one way or another, but it all seems to be on his terms. I want to take the power back, but I'm not sure how.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I guess I don't understand why he has had children with two women. He married his wife, then you two hooked up, had 2 children, yet he hasn't left his wife and his child to be with you and his other children? The guy is an IDIOT. I feel for you and his wife. And for all the children. Your MM is a selfish person and doesn't care about anyone but himself.
Author mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 That is kind of what I think I have finally realized. He cares about one thing and one thing only. My question is, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO STOP? This is almost like an addiction. I know he is horrible for me. I know that I need to quit this whole thing, but I just can't. Is it because I'm not ready? How much more do I need to go through before I am ready. I mean the guy abandoned me while I was pregnant in a hotel room with my 10 month old son two days before my sons first Christmas. He was supposed to pick us up so that his parents could finally meet my son. I waited, but he never showed. I had no money, no food, and no way to get any where. I was almost a thousand miles away from "home" because we were signing a lease together. I found out later that he brought his wife home with him. That is also the same day that I found out that she was pregnant. These are some pretty severe things, but why can't I stop it. Everyone says, just end it. Why isn't it that easy?
child_of_isis Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I think it would be easier if you allowed yourself to acknowledge the truth. It's painful I know. But you'll not get anywhere until you do. The truth is (hang on here)...he has shown that he cares more for his W & their child than he does you & yours. You will not end it until you allow yourself to see the truth. His actions are telling you the truth. His words lie. That is kind of what I think I have finally realized. He cares about one thing and one thing only. My question is, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO STOP? This is almost like an addiction. I know he is horrible for me. I know that I need to quit this whole thing, but I just can't. Is it because I'm not ready? How much more do I need to go through before I am ready. I mean the guy abandoned me while I was pregnant in a hotel room with my 10 month old son two days before my sons first Christmas. He was supposed to pick us up so that his parents could finally meet my son. I waited, but he never showed. I had no money, no food, and no way to get any where. I was almost a thousand miles away from "home" because we were signing a lease together. I found out later that he brought his wife home with him. That is also the same day that I found out that she was pregnant. These are some pretty severe things, but why can't I stop it. Everyone says, just end it. Why isn't it that easy?
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Then get some help. Counselling to help you gain the strength so you can leave him and believe you're better off without him. He is no good for your mental health.
Gwyneth Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Oh my...two kids? And does his wife no, or no she doesn't? See, I don't know if I would be able to put up with it for That long...but to each his own. GEL is right--he will never leave because he hasn't been forced to. My MM has also LIED to me about how he's going to move out and leave her, blah blah blah (is what it sounds like to me). Liar he is, Liar they all are.
Author mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 His wife knows. She doesn't seem to care. When she found out about my son, she went off birth control so that she could have a baby. Nothing like having a child to save a rocky relationship. She didn't really expect my daughter though. He is good at telling people what they want to hear. Sometimes I think that he does it all to protect his career. Either one of us has the power to wreck his career. All she has to do is start the investigation on the military end. This is why I am unsure what he really wants. Do I think he wants me? I'm not sure. I think that sexually he does, but he is not emotionally available for anyone (that includes his wife). I realize that he probably doesn't give a sh** about me, but it is hard to forget the memories. That is the thing about affairs. As the OW, we are the ones that get the fantasy relationship in the beginning, and the shaft in the end.
nadiaj2727 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 That is the thing about affairs. As the OW, we are the ones that get the fantasy relationship in the beginning, and the shaft in the end. You are so right that affairs start out as fantasies but usually end up in disaster for OW. You are also right that they are like addictions. You have realized these things, you sound very smart and strong. Now you just need to take action on your gut instinct that it is time to cut him loose and move on for you own sake and for your children's. Yes in an affair we are addicted to the fantasy, to how good he makes us feel. It is hard to break such a powerful addiction but it can be done. I agree with WWIU that you will probably need a really good therapist. I also think you have to start looking at your own part in all of this. Yes, MM is a selfish turd who has treated you awfully. But you let him... you continued to be with him, have children with him, and still be with him, despite all the ways he treat you badly. Why? Was there something missing inside you that you turned to a relationship -- even a very bad, hurtful one -- to fill? Do you love yourself enough to stand strong on your own? These are just hypothetical questions to get you thinking. I'm not condemning you because most of us, myself included, have been in bad relationships and let other people treat us badly and have done wrong things when it comes to ourselves and others. But at some point, in order to become happy, we have to take a deep look at ourselves and say "why am I doing this? How can I become stronger and not do it anymore?" The strength will come from within yourself. Best wishes.
Author mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 I also think you have to start looking at your own part in all of this. Yes, MM is a selfish turd who has treated you awfully. But you let him... you continued to be with him, have children with him, and still be with him, despite all the ways he treat you badly. Why? Was there something missing inside you that you turned to a relationship -- even a very bad, hurtful one -- to fill? Do you love yourself enough to stand strong on your own? I take responsibility for my part in this. It is impossible not to take responsibility when children are involved. Why did I/do I continue? Again, I think it is just an addiction. Although I have never been physically abused, almost all of these type of relationships are emotionally abusive. It is almost like I have Battered Women's Syndrome. I cannot seem to shake it. I have been to counseling, but the people that I have talked to have almost condoned my behavior. Sometimes, you just want someone to rip into you and tell you that it is wrong and unhealthy. Is there something missing? I'm again, not sure. There obviously is, but I cannot put my finger on it. I know what I should do, I know what part of me wants to do, but I cannot seem to do it. Do I love myself enough to stand strong? I think that I am beginning to. I have to give myself credit for trying to find my own independence. I am currently going back to school for my last semester in college. This along with two kids, is something to be proud of. I don't think that I thought I had the strength until I went back to school. I think that as I find my independence on a financial level that I am slowly finding my independence on an emotional level. I realize that everything that I have been doing takes a lot of drive that I never thought I had. This is why I have started asking for advice about how to end it. This is the first time since my relationship began that I have actually questioned how I feel and what I want.
noforgiveness Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 His wife is responsible for your childrens insurance? and she's ok with that? What is wrong with this picture?
Author mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 His wife is responsible for your childrens insurance? and she's ok with that? What is wrong with this picture? There is soooooo much wrong with this picture that you cannot even understand. She is not "ok" with it, but I think she feels that it gives her power. If she is responsible for that, then in her mind I will not have an affair with her husband any longer. She has some warped perspectives on things. She told me she would never be "safe" with my children and to keep them far away from her, but the she has asked her husband for pictures of my kids (which I don't send him any more for that specific reason). She even has their pictures up on her Myspace page (or so I have been told by a friend). I know it is easy to point a finger at the W because I would like to be with her H, but some of the things that she has said and done seriously make me question her sanity. Who would take an affair out on innocent children? I'm not sure, but she pretty much stated that she would.
noforgiveness Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 So she thinks the affair is over and she is insuring your children? Blaming a power trip for her reasons for insuring doesn't sound very nice. Maybe she loves her husband and believes him and he is lying non stop to her. Well obviously you are both lying non stop to this woman since you are continuing your affair. Do you think it is fair to her to step up insure your kids without having the full picture? Do you think it is fair she is still in the dark? You have the full picture. You have chosen to stay with a man who has chosen his wife and uses his wife to help care for your childrens health. I think this woman needs the truth so she can choose her future and her sons future on facts not daily lives and sneaking sround.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Again, I think it is just an addiction Then try to break the addiction. Deal with him when it come to your children, but other than that, cut him out of your daily life. Treat this like an addiction and if you find the withdrawals really difficult, post here and also if you can afford it, seek some counselling. If you can go 30 days, then your addiction can be beaten!
precious1357 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 There is soooooo much wrong with this picture that you cannot even understand. She is not "ok" with it, but I think she feels that it gives her power. If she is responsible for that, then in her mind I will not have an affair with her husband any longer. She has some warped perspectives on things. She told me she would never be "safe" with my children and to keep them far away from her, but the she has asked her husband for pictures of my kids (which I don't send him any more for that specific reason). She even has their pictures up on her Myspace page (or so I have been told by a friend). I know it is easy to point a finger at the W because I would like to be with her H, but some of the things that she has said and done seriously make me question her sanity. Who would take an affair out on innocent children? I'm not sure, but she pretty much stated that she would. Many years ago, I was in a similar situation. The ex-wife found out about my son, wanted to have a baby, she did, named the son the name as mine son's...I prayed about it and you know what??? That husband died...don't worry, God will take care of you..because before he died I had a problem with child support, after his death...I received more in social security...not that death is the only answer but it worked because we were in a constant battle re: money and everything else...after that peace.
MimiMe Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 That is kind of what I think I have finally realized. He cares about one thing and one thing only. My question is, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO STOP? This is almost like an addiction. I know he is horrible for me. I know that I need to quit this whole thing, but I just can't. Is it because I'm not ready? How much more do I need to go through before I am ready. I mean the guy abandoned me while I was pregnant in a hotel room with my 10 month old son two days before my sons first Christmas. He was supposed to pick us up so that his parents could finally meet my son. I waited, but he never showed. I had no money, no food, and no way to get any where. I was almost a thousand miles away from "home" because we were signing a lease together. I found out later that he brought his wife home with him. That is also the same day that I found out that she was pregnant. These are some pretty severe things, but why can't I stop it. Everyone says, just end it. Why isn't it that easy? This is horrible... but unfortunately you allow him to do it. Set your priority to be those 2 lil ones and you'll see how fast you wont tolerate anything less than what THEY (not you at this point) deserve. Some women are better "women" than "mothers"... decide which one you want to be your best at and the rest will take it's course. Once you start fighting for the best interest of your children, your own feelings and needs start to fade. If he's such a deadbeat to do what he did to you right before christmas... in no time you'll feel nothing for this dirtbag. My advice only comes from someone that NOTHING comes first than her children, not even the other half responsible for their existence. Good luck and stay strong! Your children need you.
Author mistresswchildren Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 So she thinks the affair is over and she is insuring your children? Blaming a power trip for her reasons for insuring doesn't sound very nice. Maybe she loves her husband and believes him and he is lying non stop to her. Well obviously you are both lying non stop to this woman since you are continuing your affair. Do you think it is fair to her to step up insure your kids without having the full picture? Do you think it is fair she is still in the dark? You have the full picture. You have chosen to stay with a man who has chosen his wife and uses his wife to help care for your childrens health. I think this woman needs the truth so she can choose her future and her sons future on facts not daily lives and sneaking sround. Hang on. Let me explain first. She has no choice about providing the insurance as he is in Iraq and cannot sign the paperwork. If the military finds out about his infidelity (which would happen when the State contacts them due to a non-support issue), then he will lose his job. She currently has chosen not to seek a job even though she has a degree, and they are in horrible debt. This is why she HAS to do it. She doesn't want to. She is not being benevolent in any way. She is looking out for herself. If her husband gets kicked out of the military, she might actually have to work for a living instead of living off of his paycheck. As for her being "in the dark," she isn't. I have told her time and again about our affair, and our continuing affair. I have told her these things so that BOTH of us can figure out what to do. I have given her proof on many levels. Instead of being an ally (which I realize is difficult considering the circumstances), she has chosen to believe him yet again. I am not even sure what he is telling her at this point. I have a hard time believing him and a hard time believing her. Would she lie to me just to get me to end it with him? Absolutely. Would he lie to me to get me to continue to be his "girl on a string?" Absolutely. I would like to resolve all of this, but I cannot get the truth from anyone. Believe it or not, I have been the only one that has been honest about all of this. I have never lied about our relationship. I also have never slept with anyone else. She, however, has lied to me numerous times, and had an affair of her own. She said that because he cheated on her, it was her right to cheat on him. It wasn't a one time thing either. She was living with the guy while in military training. Also, she WENT OFF BIRTH CONTROL WITHOUT TELLING HIM TO TRAP HIM. I am not blaming her for my situation, I am just saying that she is not perfect either. I messed up. I shouldn't have gotten involved with him, but now that I am, it is not that easy to give up on it. There are a number of reasons for that. Some of it DOES have to do with the kids. What happens when he comes home? Will he want to see them? Will the W be involved? She has already said that she would not be safe around them. I know witnesses that have seen her beat the crap out of her H in public. If she loves him and can treat him that way, then my children have no chance in her presence. No matter what way you look at it, I'm f***ed. Do I want him? Yes. Do I want him to take part in my children's lives? Yes, but under my supervision until I know that he can handle it. I am unsure what he would be like around them. He can be very immature, and at his age that is not promising.
Recommended Posts