tinke Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 (edited) for those who are unfamiliar with my thread...i was abruptly left after 10 years, with the last 3 LD, however we visited often, close contact, etc. i received a brief break-up e-mail, and a quick phone call many wks, later. he was non-chalant and obviously with a woman. i cannot understand how one can just leave without so much as a conversation, something! my questions is...he did not answer my calls, no reply, letters were not returned..nothing. he has never verbalized for me not to contact him...he just vanished. has anyone done this? what was your reasonong? just going by my actions, i guess i would have at least answered any questions and repectfully asked not to be contacted again. particularly if someone else is involved, i would want to tell him no more contacts, etc. for me, knowing i hurt someone already, i would want to make the rest smoother. just up and leaving and ignoring attempts to contact him, is a bit much! since he left so cruelly, i guess i believe i needed to hear him say not to contact him. there was simply no closure with any of it. anyone else do this? thoughts? thanks Edited March 29, 2008 by tinke
Author tinke Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 title sounds a little forward. initially i put..please reply.......LS wouldn't accept it and changed. so all, please reply. thanks!
traveller991 Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Hi Same thing just happened to me. Last phone call two months ago, saying I'll call you tomorow darling and that was that. I don't know why men do this - maybe they feel being a coward is going to hurt you less. In my case there is no closure either and half of me wants to know why but the other half is scared to hear it as I don't want to spend time imagining him with another woman although that's what I suspect.
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I can share a possible clue. In an emotional debate, a man nearly always loses. By bugging out and avoiding the break-up conversation, he avoids feeling failure, and more importantly, that the woman "won" at their last, ending discourse. Just a theory. Don't shoot the male messenger
Author tinke Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 thanks for the replies. carhill, will you break it down a bit more, please. are you saying it WOULD somehow be important to him or a man to feel the woman won on some count? won what? ( involving emotions).
Curmudgeon Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 ...are you saying it WOULD somehow be important to him or a man to feel the woman won on some count? won what? ( involving emotions). When conversations become confrontations, most men are conflict-adverse and since we don't usually express our emotions as freely or as well as most women, we can't compete in or on the court of feelings. Therefore, we also become conflict-avoidant. To respond to your original question, most men would rather slink into their cave and cower than go nose-to-nose and toes-to-toes in a break-up scenario. Therefore they'll make brief contact, lob the bomb and duck for cover. It's actually a form of cowardice unless he didn't really care all that much anyway and just wanted to cut to the quick and get on with his life. Having said all that, there's no easy answer because we men are all unique individuals, just as all you women are. As always, just one man's opinion!
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) By walking away, the man feels he retains power. By engaging the woman, power is sucked out of him. It's the Hoover effect Adding, I'm different; I relish the emotional debate. I live for the chance to drill a smoking hole in relationship desert Edited March 30, 2008 by carhill
Author tinke Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 what are your thoughts on a man not verbalizing not to contact him...just keeps ignoring them. at the least, he could have left a mess .while i'm at work, or made a statement sending back the letters...but nothing....just seems very odd. but, mostly because i could not see me doing that. thoughts? thanks all...please keep them coming. curm...thanks, hope things are going well with your situation!
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 The whole idea is non-engagement. Think of it this way. In his mind, the first person to talk loses. Men don't like to lose. They're bred and socialized to win, whether in sports, in business, in romance, whatever. Surely a stereotype, but take a look around. How often are you attracted to a loser? Oops...
your star Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 tinke, i was with my ex 6 1/2 years. he broke up with me then suddenly a few days after disappeared. i contacted him during that time and would leave mssgs and texts saying, if you want to leave, at least let's do it the right way? but he never once responded or called back.. i felt like he hated me & that i obviously wasnt important enough to even say goodbye? he ended up texting me on my birthday in october after almost 2 months and said, "i would never forget what today is, Happy Birthday".... I responded back," i just have one question I want to ask..why did you feel the need to disappear?" His response was, he couldnt handle how sad i was, and had to get away and blocked out everything in order to do so. sometimes i wish i could go back and i would of responded with.."your birthday wishes mean nothing at this point..." and then I would of disappeared to show him how it feels. I agree with Curmudgeon and that i think they run because they don't want to face the aftermath of the situation. i personally think it's selfish. especially if youre in such a long relationship, a goodbye is at least deserved. im sorry youre having to go through that...how long has it been since you heard from him now?
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Well, I can say some of the things I've heard from women dumping me in the past would make "selfish" seem like sweet talk That's what I get for "not disappearing" and, more injuriously, talking
paladin1 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Chances are you won't want to hear this. My ex GF did the exact same thing; break up email and then nothing. Been two months; turned out she was dating someone else 2 days later. My guess? That other girl? She was probably in the picture prior to that last email, especially as you said the last part of the relationship was LD. Rather than face you, tell you what he did, and accept the consequences of his actions he slunk away into the darkness. It's the easiest way (for him, of course) to end things...your feelings be damned. Cowardice, pure and simple. Very sorry to see that happen to you; and perhaps I'm mistaken...but sounds about right to me.
Author tinke Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 she was an aquaintance of his... most disturbing......he mentioned they had been dating for 2 mo. and are to be wed! cannot even fathom this!
Author tinke Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) i realize we all need different things to help us heal, for me...i need something tangible, something that i can keep referring to. any suggestions? things were left so unsettled that i fear it has delayed me from that final break. thanks! apologies for being redundant, but to reiterate, i was caring for an ill family member...very involved...hence the L.D. all this compounds the heavy emotions of his sudden departure. he expressed love for me, etc...then...simply gone! i felt very hurt as it was extremely difficult to juggle all that i had on my plate..daily. it is surreal to me that he would leave in the midst of it....plus the way in which he did was very insensitive to say the least. welcome suggestions. Edited March 30, 2008 by tinke
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You know, if my wife hadn't been married to me, I think she would have disappeared while I was caring for my demented mother. Interesting.... The difference is I wouldn't have needed a talk to know why. Some people run away from emotional stress. They can't handle it. This is where therapy has helped me. I accept that now
witabix Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I walked from a 10 year R about 5 years ago. She didn't try to stop me, v little contact since. The love had gone, simple as that. Two friends sharing a house. There was no conforntation, or discussion. I've looked after the pets since, occasionally but not recently. As I said no big conversation, just see ya around. And that was that.
Author tinke Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) unfortunately, it wasn't mutual. i guess after all that time, i would have at the least appreciated an apology for the hurt caused. he just vanished. also, after avoiding my contacts for wks., he replies with he is to wed. not cool! he could have communicated much sooner, and perhaps the R may have been salvaged. Edited March 30, 2008 by tinke
Author tinke Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 at times we are just too close to a situation.. any suggestions on how to move past this? i need an objective view/suggestion ...something i can refer to in my weak times. something to keep me moving forward.
MalachiX Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Meh, I had a similar thing happen with my GF of 2 1/2 years. We broke up and for a few weeks after she kept calling me and it almost seemed like we were on the path to reconciliation. She called me and was sweet on my birthday and in other big events. Then, when her birthday rolled around, she cut contact 100%. No explanation. Nothing. Last night, I saw she was listed as being back with her old boyfriend on Facebook. I guess I have my answer as to why she disappeared... As for guys, I'd say most of what others have said is right on the money. They simply don't want to handle the emotional fall out. I know that deep down, when my ex and I split up, I didn't try very hard to reconcile because I just couldn't take the arguments and feeling that she wasn't going to listen or understand my point of view anyway. Women are often smarter about their emotions and it makes serious arguments difficult because guys often feel powerless. Rather than try to deal with it, we sometimes just run.
CaliGuy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 my questions is...he did not answer my calls, no reply, letters were not returned..nothing. he has never verbalized for me not to contact him...he just vanished. Well, my 2 cents? has anyone done this? what was your reasonong? Simply put, he's a coward.
climbergirl Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Well, my 2 cents? Simply put, he's a coward.[/quote] Not sure I agree with the "coward" statement. We all have our different ways of coping with a break up. When it comes to an end of a relationship, don't you think we need to do what is best for ourselves to cope with the aftermath? I cope and move on best with the 'final talk', but understand that I do/need this because it's beneficial to me. But, tinke, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks to not get your closure from him. I suppose that it won't do much good to have it now?
Author tinke Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) thank you all for the replies...please keep them coming...i am reaching out! after the initial shock, i did feel he surely was insensitive and yes, it was a cowardly approach in my opinion. i guess i expected a little more after all that time...no, i know i did! in ending a relationship that involved 2 people, i only find it fair to involve 2 in the end. not total absence, and then...oh, by the way, i have someone in my life! so perhaps that is the TAG in which i may refer to, that he is simply a coward...a runner, which he has proven in other events. it's cruel and leaves a lasting sting! this has truly affected me. how different it may have been if ONLY he would have communicated earlier! i still cannot fathom just leaving without a trace...what was on his mind? those of you who have done this, what were your feelings during and after the leaving??? did you simply not care of the other's reaction? did you feel anything? did the ex attempt contact? your feelings? has anyone committed to a marriage so quickly after? is this possible? real? thoughts? thanks again! Edited March 31, 2008 by tinke
CaliGuy Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Not sure I agree with the "coward" statement. We all have our different ways of coping with a break up. When it comes to an end of a relationship, don't you think we need to do what is best for ourselves to cope with the aftermath? I cope and move on best with the 'final talk', but understand that I do/need this because it's beneficial to me. I think everyone deserves to be told "It's over" to their face. To do otherwise suggests one is not man enough to stand up for their choices.
atc2410 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Having a new relationship to pour his effort into would make not facing you much easier. I'm a male and based on what's been written here and my own personality style I think it's very low of him not to pay you and your history/relationship the respect it deserves. I know I would never just up and vanish.
Author tinke Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 for those of you who had suddenly left a relationship without contact or going back....what was on your mind at the time? what about afterwards? did you regret the decision? think of the what ifs? have the desire to call?
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