AllThatIAm Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 This just occured to me today. Today was the first day for MC and guess what we managed to miss it. Well I feel very tired of trying to fix this marriage. I have just been lying in bed wishing I would die, but it would hurt my girls too much. So I am going to get up on my shaky feet for them. I have never felt like a victim in my life, and God knows I have been through a lot to feel like a perpertual victim. The new suggestion from my husband is that we stay together for the children and see other people. Its fine with me if I didnt know that his controlling a**e will ruin it for me while HE saw other people. somehow I feel all these difficulties are part of my evolution and as tough as it is I am learning valuable lessons. Its funny how life teaches you the hard way. I am not going to book another MC appointment, its not worth it. One step at a time I will rebuild my life, its tough when all I feel is resentment. Can anyone suggest a way out. I know a lot of people will say divorce but, its just not an option for the next couple of years.We have a joint loan we have to pay at the moment:eek:. Please be gentle:bunny:
Mr. Lucky Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I am not going to book another MC appointment, its not worth it. My only observation would be - how do place a worth on something you haven't tried ? MC did not save my 1st marraige after my wife's A. But it did (ironically) have more value for me individually than it did for me as half of a relationship. It helped me understand that I didn't have to be a victim (your word ) of circumstances but rather that I could be responsible for my actions and reactions to them. It was empowering and actually (ironically again) gave me the strength to leave my failing marriage. It's different things to different people and, unless you try, you'll never know what it might be to you... Mr. Lucky
Author AllThatIAm Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 What you say makes a lot of sense. When I say its not worth it, its because in my mind this marriage is over. It hurts but that is the truth i see. My husband despises me for no reson. Maybe he has his reasons but all I have gotten to a point where I cannot feel any love for him I guess when you are battered for a long time that is what happens, you shut down. I am sure MC has a lot of benefits, i just dont see it making any difference to a person who doesnt see that he has faults too.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 You two owe to your kids to atleast go and try marriage counselling. To throw in the towel without really trying isn't fair. I know you and your husband have alot of resentment towards eachother and those feelings for eachother have been pushed away and buried...But, what IF your marriage is salvagable? What if you two connected again and together found that love and respect that has been missing for so long? If it doesn't work, then atleast you'll both know you gave it your best. Don't just stay together and see other people, your daughters aren't stupid and even now I'm sure they are picking up on weird energy between you and your husband, and 'hear' conversations that you may not be aware of. Kids are nosy and they snoop/listen in when curious, so don't think they don't know you two are not getting along..
Mr. Lucky Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 It hurts but that is the truth i see. But that's the point. You only "see" what you see. Counseling (both MC and IC) has a way of opening your eyes (and mind) to new things. If you're like most struggling couples, you're locked into a dance - he complains, you resent. You withold, he complains. He simmers, you distance. Properly done, counseling teaches you a few new steps... Mr. Lucky
smartgirl Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 If you have both agreed that you are willing to stay together for the kids, then go to MC to figure out how to make it more pleasant for the two of you and more healthy for the kids. If you don't fix the problems between you it will create a cancer in the house. If you don't want to believe the marriage if fixable, surely you can agree that an effective relationship of some type might be salvaged. I don't know your story, but the fact that you say your H despises you and wants to see other people is a pretty clear sign that he is already doing that. He also doesn't seem to want to leave and be with her. So ask him to go to MC with you just so you can be better parents for your kids. That seems to mean the most to both of you right now.
Curmudgeon Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 So ask him to go to MC with you just so you can be better parents for your kids. That seems to mean the most to both of you right now. Staying for the children is not a good idea. Children are observant and intuitive. They'll figure it out if they haven't already. Children learn what they live. What lessons are they being taught about love, respect , mutuality, relationship, marriage? The lessons they're learning are the ones they'll bring into their own, future relationships and those will doom them and perpetuate the dysfunction. Loans and payments be damned. Are they more important than the children? Consult with an attorney.
Walk Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 I had a $160,000 mortgage with my exH and I left him. I was making $9.30 an hour at the time and continued paying half the mortgage until the house was sold. I think the loan you refered to is an excuse for you not to take action. Its a valid concern, but its not a strong enough reason for you to stay in hostile conditions. It sounds to me like you need to get out of that relationship.
Author AllThatIAm Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I agree with all of the responses. And many thanks for responding. Its difficult for me because we really loved each other and all thats left now is the hostility. I am going to start IC next week. I spoke to my husband last time about the biggest problems in our relationship: 1: We dont have sex, cos he cant be bothered 2: He doesnt want to hear anything that is going on in my life if its not good news 3: He criticizes me constantly 4: He always compares me to his ex. Well he gave me the following answers: 1: He cant do the sex thing cos he cant be bothered, he admits he maybe depressed. 2: He cannot be my friend and listen to problems in his words " I cannot be everything to you" 3. He is critical by nature but will work on it 4: He will stop comparing me to the ex. So it looks like he wants to try but thinks MC is not necessary. I have met a few friends online and will start meeting up. I have decided not to ever talk about anything that is bothering me and have a functional message. The sex part is difficult but I will get a rabbit for the mean time till I can sort something out lol:bunny: oh and it came out that he resents me cos since we got married he has had to get a house, work 8-5 (he just did 1-5 at first), and start paying tax. Things he didnt do in the past. It dawned on me then that he is finding it difficult to be a man in all aspects. And at 40 years that is puzzling to me... Many thanks for all the advice it was really appreciated.
carhill Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Whoa, and I thought I had it rough... I think MrLucky expressed my personal experiences with MC the best. It may not save the marriage, but it will clarify the reasons and perspectives of why the marriage failed. It sure has for me. IMO, don't stay together for the kids or for a loan. Dealing with a divorce is painful emotionally and financially, but the kind of limbo you're describing here I'd not wish upon anyone. If the marriage is to work, your husband will need to engage you. BTW, as an example comparison, my answer to your question #1 is that my wife has been emotionally distant from me for years and I have a hard time being sexual with someone I'm not emotionally connected to. While a far different answer than your husband's, mine came as a result of MC and clarifying my real reasons for being sexually reluctant. It's as much about my psychology as it is about my wife's. Neither of us is "bad". I'm making a purposeful effort to be more sexual (I've always been affectionate) even in light of the continuing distance. That's my work. My wife will have to decide what her work is. That's an example of how the therapy process works. I hope it helps you.
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