I just ordered the d*mn book.

[phoenixgirl]

You know the one, "How to Survive My Boyfriend's Divorce." M'kay, so he's not technically my BF/sMM/whatever anymore, especially since we've gone NC. But I could certainly do with the perspective.

 

So I was talking to, um, ex-sMM's best friend this week (gah, that's a mouthful) - we're still friends, he knows about me and is very supportive while trying to be very unbiased about the whole situation. Anyway, I oh-so-nonchalantly - yeah right - asked him why ex-sMM hadn't moved back home yet when he'd told me over a month ago he had to for "financial reasons". Y'all heard me whining about this last weekend and I really have tried to let go of this, but it's been hard. Anyway, his best friend said that he hasn't moved back home yet because ex-sMM says that he just doesn't know if he could stand it, that he could see himself being married to me and can't go home until he gets things straightened out in his head first.

 

Ya coulda knocked me over with a feather.

 

So the counselor/helper in me wants to gather up all this info I can for him to try to help him out, but of course that would be breaking NC... and would be defeating all the healing and progress I've made for myself so far. But his best friend is helping him out I think and is really pushing him toward getting some counseling. Like I've said before, this is only something he can figure out on his own. As much as I would like to try to help and give him tidbits of all the info I've learned through this site and other resources, he's got to be able to find it on his own.

 

Now's the time to really take care of myself. A big part of me wishes that his best friend had never told me what was going on, even though my curiosity has been killing me; hearing about this perspective has flowered that seed of hope again and I can't risk letting that destroy me. But I think I've come a long way and have a pretty good perspective on quite a few things. I graduate with my master's degree in about five weeks (gasp!) and my birthday is at the end of April - and I have big plans that particular weekend - so I have a lot ot keep me busy for awhile.

 

No matter what happens, it makes no difference - I'll make it through. But I'm still looking forward to reading this book!

[whichwayisup]

You really need to not talk to ex-MM's bestfriend...That is sort of breaking NC because you are still connected and knowing what's going on in exMM's life. This BF might be giving you false hope by telling you this information. Nothing is carved in stone and yes, you are right, this guy shouldn't be telling you anything. Why not tell him xMM is a no topic discussion.

 

Only focus on you, not the xMM and his counselling. That's his business and you getting involved at all in his life again and knowing what is going on will only prevent you from healing.

 

Hope the book works for you.

[phoenixgirl]

Oh, I know you're right. Thing is, me and ex-MM's best friend were friends long before "us" so I'm not going to stop being friends with him. But you're right - ex-MM needs to be a non-topic for us. He even gave me a really funny look when I asked why he hadn't gone back home yet; usually he doesn't talk about him at all. He knew I was pushing it, but he knows that I don't normally talk about him or ask anything so I think I guilted him into answering. :/

 

It was a weak moment, I admit. Now I've got to work on a sort of rebuilding from there, and stay strong from where I am and have been. Thanks!

[frannie]

... So the counselor/helper in me wants to gather up all this info I can for him to try to help him out, but of course that would be breaking NC... and would be defeating all the healing and progress I've made for myself so far. But his best friend is helping him out I think and is really pushing him toward getting some counseling. Like I've said before, this is only something he can figure out on his own. As much as I would like to try to help and give him tidbits of all the info I've learned through this site and other resources, he's got to be able to find it on his own.

 

Now's the time to really take care of myself.

 

hello phoenixgirl. I understand how you feel, because I've always wanted to help xMM out with 'getting there'... heh. The thing is, and I know you understand this I'm just supporting what you said , that everyone needs to get there in their own time, and you'd be surprised at the kind of things that help someone move in a particular direction if that's the direction they need/want to go in. It can be anything, from overheard conversations, scenes in a movie they're watching, something their sibling says to them, or just the feelings they get doing particular activities. All it takes is time, that's my belief anyway.

 

And yes, NC really is great for taking care of yourself...

Edited March 30, 2008 by frannie

[nadiaj2727]

hello phoenixgirl. I understand how you feel, because I've always wanted to help xMM out with 'getting there'... heh. The thing is, and I know you understand this I'm just supporting what you said , that everyone needs to get there in their own time, and you'd be surprised at the kind of things that help someone move in a particular direction if that's the direction they need/want to go in. It can be anything, from overheard conversations, scenes in a movie they're watching, something their sibling says to them, or just the feelings they get doing particular activities. All it takes is time, that's my belief anyway.

 

And yes, NC really is great for taking care of yourself...

 

Phoenixgirl. You know I love you. I am saying this to help you: you are still too focused on xMM. Frannie is right, the point of NC is to take care of yourself, not spend your time thinking of possible ways to "help" xMM. Have you been doing that? I've heard you say on here that you want to find some more hobbies or friends so that you're not wrapped up in xMM. I would recommend you do something like that. I recently joined a writer's group because I used to write *all* the time when I was young. It is so helpful because it allows me a creative outlet, gets me out to meet new people, and and is something just for me, that puts me back in touch with who I really am... before xMM and before any other man! I have this -- my writing -- no matter who I'm dating or who I end up getting married to, etc. It is really empowering. You know how I found the group? I went to yahoo meetup and there are all these local groups you can join, for whatever you're interested in -- running, skiing, a play-group for your dogs, writing, whatever. (These are my own interests but you get the point. There's even a meditation group!

 

Phoenix, I think you will find that if you make some new friends and focus on some of your very own interests, that you will feel stronger and happier and you will realize that xMM is still confused and conflicted. You will feel "better" than that -- you will want someone who KNOWS they want to be with you and only you, as the kick-butt talented super smart woman that you are!

 

And WWIU is so right that you really shouldn't be talking to xMM's friend. NC means NC from anyone or anything that brings you into xMM's life at all. I know it's hard and there are always so many "excuses" to find out something about xMM's life. I know you wonder if he has moved back home, and why not, etc. I know it's hard not to focus on that but if you don't try to focus on something else --- preferably your own self-improvement -- than you will still be stuck with your world revolving around xMM. That won't help you heal. Whether or not xMM and you ever work out, you have to be a whole, happy person on your own, so I think you should focus on you --- because he's obviously focused on himself and his own little messy world! Try to be glad you're out of that mess and that you will never go back. You may one day be his "real" girlfriend but until that time comes, you're not so you have to stand tall and proud on your own.

 

I am thinking of you Phoenix and wishing you lots of strength and happines!!!!

 

PS Of course I don't think you should be reading that book right now because it will put so much mental focus on him and the relationship with him etc. But if you must I'm not going to yell at you for it... I certainly spent a lot of time reading "The Script" after xMM and I broke up -- and realized he was just handing me lines out of a cheater's handbook! So I was focusing on him and not myself as well. I understand. But may I also recommend some other books that might help you --- Integrity by Stephen L. Carter, The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm --- I read them as well as The Script ha ha while trying to maintain NC right after the A and they helped me discover the kind of person I want to be and the kind of relationship I want, and that I will settle for no less!! "Not Just Friends" is aimed more at the married couple after an affair but I found it really showed me what xMM and his wife must be going through and helped me to see why it was really really good I was not interfering in their marriage any more. It also contains some sections in there for the affair partner. I am also going through this book right now called 1,001 Most Important Questions to Ask Yourself. It's a pretty cheese personality quiz book but it's fun/ easy to do and it helps me learn a lot about myself and love what makes me unique. (Sorry for this list of extra books to read -- I love to read. I have never read Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce though because I came to realize that "boyfriend" and "divorce" are two words that should never go together! Especially when they make it sound like something you have to "survive"... like a horrible semester at school or a long car trip with an obnoxious person or something. It was just not necessary for me to put myself through his so-called "divorce" anymore, and I hope you get to that point, too! )

[findmyway]

 

 

PS Of course I don't think you should be reading that book right now because it will put so much mental focus on him and the relationship with him etc. But if you must I'm not going to yell at you for it... I certainly spent a lot of time reading "The Script" after xMM and I broke up -- and realized he was just handing me lines out of a cheater's handbook! So I was focusing on him and not myself as well. I understand. But may I also recommend some other books that might help you --- Integrity by Stephen L. Carter, The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm --- I read them as well as The Script ha ha while trying to maintain NC right after the A and they helped me discover the kind of person I want to be and the kind of relationship I want, and that I will settle for no less!! "Not Just Friends" is aimed more at the married couple after an affair but I found it really showed me what xMM and his wife must be going through and helped me to see why it was really really good I was not interfering in their marriage any more. It also contains some sections in there for the affair partner. I am also going through this book right now called 1,001 Most Important Questions to Ask Yourself. It's a pretty cheese personality quiz book but it's fun/ easy to do and it helps me learn a lot about myself and love what makes me unique. (Sorry for this list of extra books to read -- I love to read. I have never read Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce though because I came to realize that "boyfriend" and "divorce" are two words that should never go together! Especially when they make it sound like something you have to "survive"... like a horrible semester at school or a long car trip with an obnoxious person or something. It was just not necessary for me to put myself through his so-called "divorce" anymore, and I hope you get to that point, too! )

 

Phoenix-

 

I disagree with the idea that you should not read the book. I do understand why Nadia doesnt think you should read it, that makes sense to me. However, I have read the book. I read the book going into it knowing that I was going to be NC but curious of what it had to say. I really didnt know what to expect, i thought it might just give me tips on how to cope and stuff. Well, what it did was show me the millions of reasons why trying to date a sMM can be harmful. Although it doesnt ever say you have to go NC, the things it tells you to expect when dating a sMM and the outcomes it tells you to be prepared for were enough for me to realize on my own why NC is the better bet. I posted on a different thread on this board previously about the book that told alot of what i got out of it. Basically, i came away from that book with a new understanding of why it would not be healthy to try to remain in MM's life right now.

 

So- I agree with Nadia's points on trying to focus on other things,etc etc. But I also think reading the book is good simply because the content does not necessarily show dating a man going thru a divorce as smart or healthy choice. I actually realized after the book that my attempts to stay in sMM's life may be hurting any chance at anything in the future w/MM (in the slight event that could happen). And if MM is never to be inthe future again... what you are doing could be damaging yourself, not too mention wasting more of your precious life on what is sure to be an even worse rollercoaster ride then dating MM before the separation or divorce.

 

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the book after you read it, so feel free to share....

[Lookingforward]

Personally, I won't be reading it. Perhaps if he hadn't returned to "work on the marriage" it may have been helpful, but as it stands their M is their problem not mine and the only thing I have to survive is NC and part of that is making a valiant effort NOT to think about what is going on in THEIR relationship.

[findmyway]

I agree Lookingforward.... my advice for phoenix to still read the book stems from the fact that I feel I was in a similiar place as her when I read it. I knew NC was what I needed to do, but I still kept hanging on to whatever I could. The night I read the book was the night I feel a light went off in my head as to why i should not be involving myself in their matters. It laid out all the ugly reasons and examples in black and white as to why hanging around while MM was still married really was not wise or attractive.

 

So.. my recommendation is just that if you are still having problems accepting you should not be involved in the M, the book may help you see why you should not be and help you get on with your own life. I think it really helped me. I read it once then put it away, but since that day I have done everything i can to keep NC because i finally believe i am hurting myself by trying to break it.

[nadiaj2727]

Phoenix-

 

I disagree with the idea that you should not read the book. I do understand why Nadia doesnt think you should read it, that makes sense to me. However, I have read the book. I read the book going into it knowing that I was going to be NC but curious of what it had to say. I really didnt know what to expect, i thought it might just give me tips on how to cope and stuff. Well, what it did was show me the millions of reasons why trying to date a sMM can be harmful. Although it doesnt ever say you have to go NC, the things it tells you to expect when dating a sMM and the outcomes it tells you to be prepared for were enough for me to realize on my own why NC is the better bet. I posted on a different thread on this board previously about the book that told alot of what i got out of it. Basically, i came away from that book with a new understanding of why it would not be healthy to try to remain in MM's life right now.

 

So- I agree with Nadia's points on trying to focus on other things,etc etc. But I also think reading the book is good simply because the content does not necessarily show dating a man going thru a divorce as smart or healthy choice. I actually realized after the book that my attempts to stay in sMM's life may be hurting any chance at anything in the future w/MM (in the slight event that could happen). And if MM is never to be inthe future again... what you are doing could be damaging yourself, not too mention wasting more of your precious life on what is sure to be an even worse rollercoaster ride then dating MM before the separation or divorce.

 

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the book after you read it, so feel free to share....

 

OK findmyway I totally see what you mean. While reading the Script and this forum on LS I myself had that lightbulb moment where I realized why I need to stay out of xMM's life while he went through his divorce or worked on his marriage or whatever he decided to do (or didn't decide, which is sometimes the case unfortunately). So I can see where if you're trying to maintain NC but you're not at the place to realize why it's so important, perhaps this book can help you have the realizations that get you to that point. So phoenix I revise my advice based on findmyway's insight. Read it and let us know what you think!