What if I never really loved my husband more than a friend - PART 2

[QuiteReceptive]

I wanted to thank everyone for providing such insightful commentary, drawing from their own experiences, those of their friends, and those that might have only been conceptualized.

At this point I am going to counseling to sort out the catalyst for the intensity of these feelings (my desire to separate), aside from the "WOW" factor being experienced with another man (nothing physical has ever happened though...so I am unaware of how intense this factor could truly be). At this point, due to the fact the feelings were never truly there to begin with, my therapist and I had discussed that in order to continue this marriage happily I need to figure out what type of person I am:

 

A - Am I one that is willing to settle and be content with a polite, adoring, respectful husband that is a good provider and treats me like gold?

 

B - Am I one that simply has to have that "WOW" factor involved in order to have a truly happy relationship to therefore reciprocate the respect and love my partner provides me?

 

I realize I am B, for I cannot take the guilt which I feel so consistently due to the fact that I have been a lack luster wife, which has not provided my husband with the same respect and love he shows me on a daily basis. I have not been a good wife, I have realized this, and have now come to understand the reasoning behind this; I wish to find a solution.

 

Some people are willing to "settle", for as one individual insightfully responded, women are taught that finding someone who is a good compatible partner who treats you well is suffice for a happy marriage, and they do not consider the chemistry factor as part of the definition of "compatibility", I am not one of these individuals. I believe this is why the divorce rate is higher now a days - culture, standards, have changed. Women are becoming stronger, and looking more to their inner needs and desires, than what is "socially acceptable".

 

I have approached my husband, who now goes to therapy as well, with another therapist of course, and he has come to realize something as well - I have not been a good wife! I am so happy he has come to realize this, and we are currently taking a few month period to assess what life would be like without each other. We are still living together, but being that DIVORCE is a HUGE decision which would affect more than just our lives; we are making sure we look at every single angle possible before coming to a final decision. We do not currently have children.

 

WHEN I CAME FORWARD TO MY HUSBAND WITH MY THOUGHTS OVER THE PAST MANY YEARS...I was surprised how supportive he was. He stated he loved me so, that he simply wished for my happiness whether that be as a friend of wife. He wished for us to stay together, but if that meant my continued state of frustration and discontent then he would prefer for the relationship to end, given his now true understanding of how upset I have been over the past few years. I was shocked, quite frankly, at how supportive he was! He then shared with me some information last night over dinner, which surprised me further. When I asked him why he stayed with me so long after how unappreciative I was at his many kind gestures (a good portion of the time), and unfulfilled I appeared he responded by stating that he simply didn't want to lose me and love is complicated. As insightful as I have ever heard him speak he stated, "Have you ever wondered why woman who has everything, leave their loving husbands for men who do not treat them as well, yet they will stick with those 'not so good men' through the bruises, and insults they incur on a weekly basis? - Because they LOOOVE them and feel a connection with them they simply cannot live without. Unfortunately, I found myself with a woman who didn't feel the way about me as I felt about her, but the moments in which she did reciprocate were worth dealing with the majority of time that she didn't!" He continued to state that why he seemed to be almost a "father" to me, in terms of granting my every wish, this behavior was simply due to the fact he didn't want to lose me, and that was his way of ensuring that I would not leave.

 

He has stated he has learned a lot since going to therapy, and that he is pleased with how truthful I have been. Apparently no one in his family is surprised this is happening, for "she has looked unsatisfied, confused and displeased for years now..." Now, why no one approached me or my husband with this is a bit surprising, but that is beside the point.

 

I want to state that the individual who spoke of a "connection" being necessary and sex therapy was not the answer - I agree. I need the connection, the chemistry, and that is what I do not have. My husband is attractive and in good shape - but the chemistry is not there.

 

In addition - to the individual who stated that finding "a provider" was my sole reasoning behind the marriage, I could potentially see how you came to that conclusion, with it stated in my comments above, and in previous threads. I must state, I actually make more than my husband, and can provide quite well for myself, and have been able to do so for quite sometime. When I say "provider" I mean someone who cares for my well being...perhaps I should utilize a different word from this point forward.

 

I believe everyone who provided commentary, negative as well as positive, I owe a bit of thanks to. The reason these websites are so nice is that you are able to hear the various angles you might not be allowing yourself to see, due to the fact you have talked yourself into believing their is specific cause to your problem, or only a handful solutions available to you.

 

In the end, most likely we will begin divorce proceedings soon, but we have agreed to be friends in the end. Yes, this will be difficult especially when another individual comes into the mix, but something we hope to be able to do in the end.

 

Please, feel free to respond...and thank you in advance for your commentary.

Edited March 29, 2008 by QuiteReceptive
Inability to view...

[carhill]

Thanks and I wish my wife would be as open about her feelings as you are. I see a lot of parallels. I've long thought she wasn't "into" me, but just couldn't put my finger on it. Reading the board really clarified a lot of things for me, adjunct to MC.

 

I wish you well

[daisygirl]

The reason these websites are so nice is that you are able to hear the various angles you might not be allowing yourself to see, due to the fact you have talked yourself into believing their is specific cause to your problem, or only a handful solutions available to you.

 

 

QR-

I agree with this! It's great to hear different perspectives on things...sometimes we need someone else to point things out that we fail to see, or don't want to see.

 

Also, I want to say that I can relate to your situation quite a bit. Mine is actually more complicated (you can read my threads if you have time ), but I never felt that "connection" with my husband (I'm also starting to think that he never felt it with me, either), and I do feel that I am the type "B" person that you mentioned.

 

GL to you, and I hope things will work out for you!!

[Mr. Lucky]

I I need the connection, the chemistry, and that is what I do not have. My husband is attractive and in good shape - but the chemistry is not there.

Most succesful couples would tell you that, after a time, chemistry is something you have to make, not feel. Every couple moves to a phase that follows the initial attraction and honeymoon feeling where effort is needed to supplement hormones. At this point, love becomes less of a noun and more of a verb. At least in your initial post, you don't address the work (or lack of it) that you've put into your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Storyrider]

I just re-read your earlier thread. I'm glad you've been able to come to a decision that you're comfortable with. Since you don't have children, that makes your decision a bit easier.

 

Since you were not hot for your husband even early on, for example, even on your honeymoon, I doubt any amount of work is going to change that. You could almost certainly improve your sex life to an extent, but you will not hunger for him and desire him in the way you want. I think your therapist had you asking the right questions.

[theycallmeprincess]

Please read the book entitled "Women who love too much". I promise you it will shed light on a lot of issues and feelings that you are dealing with.

 

You think you need that "WOW" factor because somewhere along the line you have equated angst and anxiety, tension and stress with love, so much so that when you do find a man who loves, accepts and treats you well, you don't know what to do with them or how to handle it. Because there is no anxiety or a need for constant attention or approval from this kind of man, you deem them boring and passionless.

 

Please read this book!

[Storyrider]

Please read the book entitled "Women who love too much". I promise you it will shed light on a lot of issues and feelings that you are dealing with.

 

You think you need that "WOW" factor because somewhere along the line you have equated angst and anxiety, tension and stress with love, so much so that when you do find a man who loves, accepts and treats you well, you don't know what to do with them or how to handle it. Because there is no anxiety or a need for constant attention or approval from this kind of man, you deem them boring and passionless.

 

Please read this book!

 

In your own thread, you imply you are in a sexless marriage in which your husband's needs are unfulfilled. Are you saying the ideas in this book are helping you address those problems?

[QuiteReceptive]

I will take a look at the book, you bring up a very good point that I have discussed with my therapist, and which has been discussed to my husband by his therapist (I believe due to his recent changes in behavior - more aggressive now, actually says "no" on occasion).

 

Thank you - I'll keep you updated.

[Mustang Sally]

I just re-read your earlier thread.

I just did, too.

 

Some very good points made in that thread, I think. Glad to have had a reason to go back and look at it again.

 

Since you were not hot for your husband even early on, for example, even on your honeymoon, I doubt any amount of work is going to change that. You could almost certainly improve your sex life to an extent, but you will not hunger for him and desire him in the way you want. I think your therapist had you asking the right questions.

I agree with Story's points.

 

Glad you have a H who is able to work with you in the way you describe, QR. Even though you have no attraction towards him, he does sound like quite a good man. I hope you both find a peaceful resolution to your dilemma.

[Cobra_X30]

I will take a look at the book, you bring up a very good point that I have discussed with my therapist, and which has been discussed to my husband by his therapist (I believe due to his recent changes in behavior - more aggressive now, actually says "no" on occasion).

Thank you - I'll keep you updated.

 

Chemistry isn't something that just happens. It doesn't just fall from the sky. You make it.

 

Your willing to put in the work with the other guy... but not willing to put the same effort into your husband. I assume that there is a good reason.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely in favor of divorce in your circumstance. It's just I think you need to get moving on it right away. Your literally wasting your husbands time... he needs to get on with his life. So, whats the hold up? You can't be so passive that your hoping he initiates the divorce are you?

 

Also... whatever it is that makes him not worthy of your effort. You need to make sure he knows, otherwise he can't fix it. I personally think that you owe him at least that much.