juliebijoux Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 So I have gone out on three real dates with this guy for about a month. We have also hung out with friends twice and then had a few times where we hung out, but I would consider them mainly just having sex. When I mentioned that we should go out on a real date his response was: haven't we already had three of those? I am not sure if he was being tongue in cheek or serious. Do you think that it is enough that I mentioned that I want to actually do things outside the bedroom? Is there any other way I can hint at that I would like to go out? He is not really a person that goes out a lot himself.
Starla Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 :confused: i think you're doing this whole thing backwards julie!!
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 This is new? If yes, let this old fart clue you in. Train him how to date before giving him sexual satisfaction Men are like dogs.....perform task, receive reward; pretty soon they just perform the task on cue, no reward necessary (just kidding on the last part)... Anyway, don't enter the bedroom again until after a proper date
dreamergrl Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Tell him you'll be needing more of those for the bedroom dates to continue No really, I agree with carhill - don't continue the sex with him, if you want more and he's not giving it to you!
FormerNiceGuy Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Tell him you'll be needing more of those for the bedroom dates to continue No really, I agree with carhill - don't continue the sex with him, if you want more and he's not giving it to you! But on a serious note...if you withheld sex..he'd just leave. He seems like the type.
Starla Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 yip i concur..julie did it backwards - start with the dates and move to the bedroom later!!!
dreamergrl Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 But on a serious note...if you withheld sex..he'd just leave. He seems like the type. If she wants more then just sex dates - and he's not willing to give - then she'd be better off because she wont get what she wants out of the relationship.
Portage Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Tell him you want to go out for a nice fine dining experience. If he heads for the hills, well, you've got your answer.
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 But on a serious note...if you withheld sex..he'd just leave. He seems like the type. No, no, not withhold. Titillate. Everyone takes things so literally For example, if I'm seeing my wife pulling on that garter belt and those vintage french hose I just adore on her, I'm thinking "mmm, sex", then she says "I'm thinking we really need to get some steak before I put these to good use". Woof!
FormerNiceGuy Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 If she wants more then just sex dates - and he's not willing to give - then she'd be better off because she wont get what she wants out of the relationship. The thing is it's like this. It's like getting a cool gift and already knowing what the gift is going to be.... Then someone says.."Hey, let's wrap up this gift and act like you don't know what is in it." And you're like, "Nah, just give it to me." In other words, if the sex is already done, you really can't go back. The guy is a player. Take it for what it is. You can't change a player into a "boyfriend". Guys are dogs. So who gives a crap. Just learn to play fetch with dogs.
Portage Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Well you really can't blame this guy. He was given the 'gift' without any of the work that goes into meeting, dating, getting to know one another stage, the effort for the prize was not necessary. I hope the OP lets us know what the outcome is to date number 4. Will it be behind closed bedroom doors...or, slow dancing at the Tropicana??
dreamergrl Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I had sex early on with my best relationship - and I was still taken out and all the other fun stuff of dating - a great guy in my book!! If he wants it to work he'll put in the effort. If all he wants to do is play in the bedroom, then move on before you vest to much into it.
Author juliebijoux Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Well when we first started dating he said that he wanted a relationship. The only problem is that he is 26 and never had one. I don't really feel like being in charge of training him. I totally know that I went around this backwards, but I guess that I just wanted to have sex. Why should I have to wait? The next time he suggests something, my plan is to hint that I would like to go out first. But if he doesn't get the hint, then my plan is to move on.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Does he call you his girlfriend? I wouldn't initiate contact with him, he should do that, and I agree, no sex without him taking you out. Don't even say anything about it, just say "No, I don't really want to do that tonight" when he makes his move.
TheFonz Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Maybe if you suggested something you both like doing for the date, he'd be more inclined to go out. Another issue is, who's paying for the dates? Maybe he can't afford them. Offer to pay for the date. Another idea is tell him you're going to dress up really sexy for the date. You already went out on three dates within a month so maybe you are pressuring him to go out more than he reasonably wants to. Withholding sex as punish/reward is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If you have to resort to that then maybe he needs to find a girl that doesn't feel he needs to date so much and you need to find a guy who is willing to take you out on more dates.
TheFonz Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Well when we first started dating he said that he wanted a relationship. The only problem is that he is 26 and never had one. I don't really feel like being in charge of training him. I totally know that I went around this backwards, but I guess that I just wanted to have sex. Why should I have to wait? The next time he suggests something, my plan is to hint that I would like to go out first. But if he doesn't get the hint, then my plan is to move on. You shouldn't had to wait for sex. You did nothing wrong there. Waiting to have sex would not have improved this situation. It sounds like your just not that into this guy. But if you are into him you might just have to be a little more patient and explain what it is you want. Just don't be too unresonable about dates. Most guys have had bad experiences with that and are hesitant of the idea.
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I totally know that I went around this backwards, but I guess that I just wanted to have sex. Why should I have to wait? So, you got what you wanted. Now you want something else. How does it feel to want?
TheFonz Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Well you really can't blame this guy. He was given the 'gift' without any of the work that goes into meeting, dating, getting to know one another stage, the effort for the prize was not necessary. I don't know about all that but how do we know he wasn't holding back the dates until he got more sex? Oops, we do know that's not the case here. Moral of the story is that games suck and you can't really know what you got until after you had sex a few times anyway.
Author juliebijoux Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Well an update here: Last night he asked if I wanted to go to our friends' house to hang out. I agreed. We had a lot of fun --played games and watched a movie. At the end of the night there was a good night kiss, but we both went out separate ways. No talk of sex on either side, it wasn't awkward, just sweet. I don't need to go on super expensive dates, but I just don't want it to only be about sex. I would say that it would be about the money, but anytime I offer to buy anything even like ice cream he says: no way. I think that I will try to suggest outings in the future that he might be into.
Author juliebijoux Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 So, you got what you wanted. Now you want something else. How does it feel to want? I KNOW! This is the worst feeling:) Get what you want and you realize that you want something else... I think there must be a song about it!
carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Nice date See how that goes for a bit (no sex but honest affection) and then turn the girls up a notch and titillate him a bit about "having a nice night out". His response should be telling. It's important for a man to take care of his lady outside the bedroom, too. Affections and care.... You have a future, Grasshopper ...
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