Taken for granted - do the ex's realise?

[sedgwick]

I've been NC with mine for 8 months now, and it's 9 months since the breakup. I can honestly say that I treated him better than I've ever treated anyone. I've never been in love like that before. And then one day he just bailed, giving me as the only reason the fact that I'm not a musician. The first time we spoke was a month after we broke up. He was so sweet and told me he loved me still but needed to be single at the moment so he could spend all his time playing music.

 

We talked again two weeks later and he was a completely different person. Cold as ice. Treated me like utter sh*t, like I was someone he'd just casually dated and I was annoying him. Since then he has totally cut me out of his life. No contact whatsoever. Granted, I blocked his number, myspace, and email addresses for 4 months, but still. Once I unblocked them he never made contact. All I can assume at this point is that he's either forgotten me completely or he hates me. And if it's the latter, I just can't figure out why.

 

I want to think that someday he'll feel guilty about what he did and wonder how I'm doing, but that certainly hasn't been the case thus far. So far he's just totally ignored me. This after the most amazing connection I've ever felt. On the first date he told me he felt a scary connection to me. It's heartbreaking to me that he was lying, and just faking being into me. I really, really thought he felt it too.

 

I also want to think that someday he'll stop hating me and realize that I really loved him and treated him well. I know I'm no musician, but I really did love him, and I thought the fact that I'm a dancer and we talked all the time about how much my dance and his music were the same thing meant that he really did believe that. I mean, we used to stay up until 4 am nearly every time we saw each other talking about that very subject. But now I know he was faking interest in that too.

 

I am so devastated, still, that even when I love someone to the best of my abilities, even when I tell him I love him unconditionally and support him totally, I'm still just not good enough. I can't imagine that I'll ever feel differently. He is the love of my life, and in my 36 years on the planet I've only felt this once. I wish i could quit hanging onto this stupid belief that he'll miss me someday. Hell, I just wish he'd tell me he recognized that he hurt me.

 

To the OP: mine destroyed my self-esteem too. I've never felt so worthless, and that's saying a lot. Ironically, I've never been more successful in the rest of my life, but the fact that it means so little to him haunts me constantly. I figure my accomplishments just must not be all that. But god how I miss him and wish so much that he would let me love him again. But he won't, because I don't play old-time fiddle. I'm angry with him, and in the last 9 months I've found out how much a human being can hurt. But I'd take him back in a heartbeat, absolutely no questions asked. It's because of him that I know how purely and selflessly I am capable of loving. I wish he'd give me the chance to learn how to play. If he had told me he needed that from me, I'd have done it in a heartbeat.

Edited April 7, 2008 by sedgwick