sedona Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Does posting on LS about our pain and broken relationships stop us from healing? Are we just wallowing in our hurt by writing here? Is LS addictive? Is there some sort of upper limit? Like posting a few times is healthy, but posting endlessly is counter-productive? Or does LS really help people heal until they no longer feel a need to post as much? This thought came up on another thread, but I've sometimes I wondered about it myself. Opinions?
datingmum Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Someone told me the other night that just by writing on this site, focusing on it, I am attracting more pain. What do you think of this theory? The law of attraction. See, I'd assumed coming on here was positive, in the sense that it was a form of relationship autopsy that most never get to have with their ex-significant other. Also, it diverts all the pressure on close friends, whom, let's face it, can only take so much. But my friend who suggested it is an NLP practitioner and seemed to really believe it. He said I needed to keep focused on the positive things in my life, completely STOP the negative thought cycle in my head in its tracks. How? Concentration. Every time you get a negative thought in your head, catch yourself and place a positive visualisation there. Yes, it's hard. But it does work a bit. I found that kickstarting the positive thinking off with a session of therapy/visualisation works very well, and if you can't afford it, there are lots of meditational/hynotic style CDs on the market. Then, my therapist gave me this homework: Every morning when you wake, lie in bed visualising that feeling of flying/of letting go of the chains you thought bound you but in fact you were holding onto for fear of flying and being happy/moving on. (This is the script we did at our last session). Then, practice positive thinking ONLY in the day. Really really try it. Before bed at night, meditate again on the progress you've made for that day, no matter how tiny. DO NOT focus on any back steps or problems. Simply the progress. Me: I did two hours of work before. I handled my daughter's tantrum well. I styled my hair. I did the dishes. I mean really basic baby steps for me, as I have truly gotten that low. So, she says that after SEVEN days, if you practice and actually do this with concentrated effort and no relapse, you will have successfully re-programmed some neural pathways. she says that after so much grief, pain, negative thinking, that it is simply too hard to just *expect* to be able to think/be positive with logic and reason. We must make choices and work at it. I've fallen off the horse in this ... BIG TIME
tonyeltiger Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I agree completely. I stopped posting about pain etc. for that very reason. I also believe that some (not pointing fingers at anyone, you know who you are), would have healed long ago if they did not read about similar situations etc. everyday here at LS. I think that LS CAN be addictive, and indeed counter productive, hence my recent drop in posts. A post about a ligitimate problem during the time of said problem is healthy and helpful. But posting a year after the problem is done and over with only aids in remembering pain imo. So my answer to most of your questions simply.....yes.
Kamille Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Does posting on LS about our pain and broken relationships stop us from healing? Are we just wallowing in our hurt by writing here? Is LS addictive? Is there some sort of upper limit? Like posting a few times is healthy, but posting endlessly is counter-productive? Or does LS really help people heal until they no longer feel a need to post as much? This thought came up on another thread, but I've sometimes I wondered about it myself. Opinions? We all have different LS trajectories. I got hooked on LS when I was trying to get over someone. I would pay little attention to any forums outside of "Breaking up, Reconcialition and Coping". Then I discovered the 'new posts' button and started paying attention to the dating forum. That switch helped me move on. I remember starting my first post on the dating forum with "I finally graduated to this forum". Others have come back to LS to say that taking an LS break was beneficial to them. The point is, there comes a point in the healing process when you know you need to stop wallowing. Sounds like you have reached that point. Now is a great time to start new projects. What do you want to do? Learn rock climbing? the piano? Organize a I'm getting over it party for yourself? Whatever it is, do it.
Author sedona Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 Yup, that's right datingmum. You were the one who'd post I read. Thanks. Anyone else?
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Free therapy and a great mirror. I see no downside at all. Being open to autonomous introspection is key to efficacy. Carry on
Walking away Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I see it as group therapy. And I have two wonderful friends in the "real" world whom I met here on LS. And, sometimes, for me, it helps me process things when I read about similiar situations with others.
Lizzie60 Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Does posting on LS about our pain and broken relationships stop us from healing? Are we just wallowing in our hurt by writing here? Is LS addictive? Is there some sort of upper limit? Like posting a few times is healthy, but posting endlessly is counter-productive? Or does LS really help people heal until they no longer feel a need to post as much? This thought came up on another thread, but I've sometimes I wondered about it myself. Opinions? Oh .. I thought I read swallowing.. I thought you had forgotten the 's'... I was going to say 'yes' I don't know if some people really get something good out of forums like that.. maybe they do.. probably they do.. it's like reading one of those 'self' book I guess. For other people it might do more harm than good.. it depends on each individual.. For women-haters.. it could do more harm to read about women who cheat.. I guess it all depends on each individual state of mind..
Starla Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 i really like posting here - already i am getting to like a lot of the posters an find their comments really helpful. plus i've been through a lot in my life (addiction, affairs, abuse...aren't all the A words lovely lol) and it helps ME to give a wee bit of advice to others who might be going through a hard time. i have deliberately not posted my own story here, just said little bits and pieces, as i'm not ready, and feel it might not do me that much good to tell it just yet, and expose all my history (not that i have a problem with people knowing it, as i'm very open, but i just feel i don't want to see it there in front of me, in black an white. too raw yet). so i think this site can be a wonderful support network, as long as it isn't replacing RL friends, counsellors and so on, whatever the poster needs.
pigeonsid Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 As I said in my thread - yes, I worry about wallowing too, but I come to LS to wallow because I'm trying to stop whining to my friends all the time, and also because I do realise that nobody else can really help me. In the end I have to get through this myself and pick myself up. This forum gives me the space to do that. It's hard to know which is the best approach. When my mom passed away a few years ago, I didn't know about internet forums and so I didn't have this tool to help me cope. Instead, I buried myself in work and went a bit insane for a year. When I look back, I don't know how I managed to get through that period since I was obviously crazy with grief, but I do wish that I had dealt with more emotional stuff back then because I think it wouldn't have become such a problem in my last relationship. We need to get on with our lives, yes, but we also need to deal with the emotional baggage as well. Just going through the motions of being okay doesn't actually make you okay. (I know, because that's what I was doing for a long time and even though they say time heals all, you need time plus something extra in order to really heal.)
directx Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I think it depends. Its no clear cut answer because people post for different reasons. Some post to be validated, or just to vent, or just to get other points of views. Or just hear themselves talk. Or cry like a weak baby, sobbing away about this and that and looking just pathetic. But sometimes its not the best to post on here. Because many times people may say the problem lies with you and you have a chip on your shoulder or just a blamer, or maybe the opposite happens: People put all the blame/discussion on the person being talked about by the poster, and not the poster themselves. Both can be hurtful and destructive. Or it can be helpful.
pigeonsid Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Oh, and I just wanted to add - I think that LS is a really good community! At the beginning when I was looking for some help, I checked out a depression forum and THEY were wallowing! It was actually really depressing just reading what people were saying on that forum. The people here on LS seem to be a really warm, supportive community where you can come just to vent, share stories and problems and have a sense of not being so alone. The people on the depression forum that I found were just so depressed, it didn't seem that there was any energy left to help anyone else.
dfreeman Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 IMHO, I think you have to look at your own reasons for coming here and how much success you have enjoyed in those areas. Even if you are wallowing - if you didn't come here to lay your problems on us (and hear ours), would you have done something worse (I definitely have less healthy behavior I could have resorted to)? My main reason for posting here was to save my friends from getting hit with my garbage over and over again. I have enjoyed tremendous success in this area - I can't say that I have made any friends on here, but people either ignore my posts or continue to let me bore them to tears. Sure my two dearest friends still hear more than their fair share, but I am always getting compliments from more casual friends at how little I am dwelling on my breakup and how well I am "coping". No way I get there without LS! Another big need that I am getting here is a good butt-whoopin. I am a very loving and loyal person and took a lot of responsibility for my actions during my breakup. I didn't want to get trapped into feeling that I owed my ex any sort of dedication to a friendship with her and her daughter after I moved-on. As strong as I thought I was at the time I found LS (and despite any progress since), I still need to come on here and read success stories from some of the people that took control of their situation and stuck to their guns with NC. I came here to get over something and whether I wanted to in the beginning or not, it is happening. I can't speak for others, but I personally have LS to thank for stepping firmly through one of the hardest times of my life. If I didn't get the help I needed here, I probably would have been more confrontational in an attempt to cling onto my ex after the break. I would have lost a great deal of dignity and self-respect over the last few weeks and would have stood the risk of losing any contact with a very beautiful and loving little girl that has been like a daughter to me over the last 5 years. I am in the exact position I would have been in with my ex without LS, but now I walk tall around her and show my face proudly at her daughter's activities (at which I am welcome and encouraged to attend). Two big thumbs up for LS!
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