simonsgurl Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Hi all Im new here and looking for some words of wisdom/support.. please dont judge me!! Im a single woman with 2 children and was quite happy that way until I recently got in contact with an old school friend via the internet.. we talked for hrs and hrs and talked on the phone.. I knew right before we started talking that he was married and he told me that he was reasonably happy too, never put her down or anything not the old Cliche of "oh she doesnt understand me " always talked nicely about her ,but it was all so innocent then. the more we talked the more the conversations changed then I was in his area for totally other reasons and we decided to meet up for coffee.. Still very innocent then even tho the mere thought of him flipped my stomach but we both thought that it was purely just coffee and that we'd part and talk soon.. But oh boy was I wrong.. the coffee was just that and we did just part but then on my way home he txt'd me telling me he was very confused and knew it was very wrong but he couldnt stop thinking about me he appologized if he's offended me but felt the need to tell me. Id admitted to him I felt the same way so obviously the conversations changed and we became emotionally involved then physically involved and it has now been a very intense few months. He says i have made him realise that his marriage wasnt as good as he thought yeah yeah I hear you say!! but we are crazy about each other but its sooooo damn hard to be OW. waiting for the phone to ring,an email etc. its not exciting for either of us as he finds it all very hard to cope with but says what we have feels "right" . its killing me as I want him all the time. He wants to leave her but doesnt know how as he has 2 children too.. Like I said please dont judge me or him . its just the way things turn out some times but i need some advise on how to deal with it.. please dont tell me to feel guilty or to give him up cos neither will happen..
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Sorry, but you should feel guilty and so should he. This man has children and is married, he is unavailable - Yet it seems he has no problem messing around with you on the side. He isn't going to leave his wife, he's told you that. Even if he has told you, you fill in what is missing in his marriage, and that he has some feelings for you, he still won't leave his wife and kids. And, you shouldn't expect him to either. You barely know him now, he's from the past. How can you compare what little you two have shared to what he has with his wife? If by chance he does leave, could you trust this man?? He is capable of cheating on his wife, mother of his children and betray his whole family, don't you think one day he's going to turn around and do it to you? Sorry, you probably don't like my advice..This is a public board and you're going to get all kinds of advice so it's up to you what you want to take in.. Push him more and see what happens. Threaten to tell his wife about your affair..You'll see this man do a 180 and defend his wife and distance himself from you.
Starla Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 hi simonsgurl. walk away. however painful it is for you now, it will only get worse for you. he has a family - he belongs with them, and there is simply no room for you in his life. i see that you love him, and it is sooooooo horrible to feel like that about a MM!! i was an OW for 3 years. he had two children too. and like your man, he always spoke well of his wife. i loved him so much it was excruciating. i also had to cope with the guilt...i wasn't brought up like that, to sneak into someone's family and steal an important part of it, like a thief in the night. summon up all your strength, and walk away from this. you will recover, and learn to live your life without him. he isn't free - he isn't yours to have. he belongs with his family, and if you love him, you will walk away and let him be with the wife and family he loves.
phoenixrising Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 ... and it's now 2,3,4,5,7 years later. The MM is still married, you are in agony, and he knows that you will be there for him - so why should he consider leaving? He has the best of both worlds. That's fine - IF your are both happy with the situation, and IF his wife doesn't find out. But I can almost guarantee that YOU won't be happy living like this, and that his wife WILL find out, and that this will affect you deeply the longer you are in the relationship. I won't even talk about what it will do to the kids on both sides... The only way you will know what he wants is to let him go. But you said you wouldn't consider that, so I suppose you could end up where many of us were when we finally did let our MM go... and then you'll have your answer. It's your choice to make... but you are choosing a difficult path if you choose to stay. Just know that.
frannie Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hello simonsgurl. I'm not going to tell you to do anything you don't feel like doing/ don't feel you can do. I well remember the first months of knowing my xMM and nothing whatever could have persuaded me to end things with him You're in it now, whatever the outcome... so... the question I suppose is how you're going to deal with it all. Presumably you want him to leave? Be honest with yourself, if you can. I think that's really the only way to be sane during an affair.......
Author simonsgurl Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Sorry, but you should feel guilty and so should he. This man has children and is married, he is unavailable - Yet it seems he has no problem messing around with you on the side. He isn't going to leave his wife, he's told you that. Even if he has told you, you fill in what is missing in his marriage, and that he has some feelings for you, he still won't leave his wife and kids. And, you shouldn't expect him to either. You barely know him now, he's from the past. How can you compare what little you two have shared to what he has with his wife? Hi there... I think maybe you didnt read my post correctly.. he has said he wants to leave his W. I have known him far longer than she has.. we have been friends for 22yrs so i think thats counts for something. Why is it always the OW that gets the blame?? Im single and free to do what i like and he does have a huge problem with what we are doing but feels more for me than he does his W.. yes i may be filling in whats missing in his marriage im not nieve enough to think otherwise. I just happen to have fallen in love with a MM
frannie Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Why is it always the OW that gets the blame?? Im single and free to do what i like and he does have a huge problem with what we are doing but feels more for me than he does his W.. yes i may be filling in whats missing in his marriage im not nieve enough to think otherwise. I just happen to have fallen in love with a MM Because you're the one here typing and reading the replies so you're the one who is going to get the moral lectures. But back to the topic in hand. Are you prepared to be happy with filling what's missing in his marriage, or would you really want him to be free? Because the sooner you can decide that for yourself, the better for you
Author simonsgurl Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 well I spoke to him last night and suggested that we have no contact for the next week as he is beside himself over all this and how to do what we both want but minimise damage ,to give him a chance to think about what he really wants we were both crying but agreed. Ive hardly slept and have been cryin all night, feel so sick and im scared I will loose him.. I know you will all say its for the best if I do but it doesnt stop the pain and heartache we both feel right now.. I honestly dont think he will last 2 days without contacting me so we will have to see what happens.I feel so empty right now..
frannie Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 well I spoke to him last night and suggested that we have no contact for the next week as he is beside himself over all this and how to do what we both want but minimise damage ,to give him a chance to think about what he really wants we were both crying but agreed. Ive hardly slept and have been cryin all night, feel so sick and im scared I will loose him.. I know you will all say its for the best if I do but it doesnt stop the pain and heartache we both feel right now.. I honestly dont think he will last 2 days without contacting me so we will have to see what happens.I feel so empty right now.. Personally I don't think it's necessarily for the best if you lose him. I think if I was going to tell you anything I'd say I know that it feels intense and urgent at the moment that all these things are settled right now... but things like this take a long, long time. How is he going to know within a week whether he wants to leave his marriage or not..? I would bring things round to you, and what you need. It's already all about him and his being upset. Take some NC (if that's what you want) for you, because you don't want to be involved in debating with him over his marriage. Believe me, it's best if you keep things all about YOU, because in no time at all affairs are all based around the Married person: their time available, their commitments, their decision etc. etc...
phoenixrising Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Simonsgirl - I'm so sorry you are going through such emotional pain... I understand - I TRULY do. And the reason I am urging you to step back a bit to let him make up his mind is so that you will not know even worse emotional pain in the future... I went through exactly what you are going through nearly 4 years ago, and only ended things after 3 years... and I still feel a huge hole in my heart. I feel he got used to the idea that I would be there for him, because I chose to stay, so he delayed making a decision until I asked him to - and then made the painful decision to keep his family unit together. Think about YOU during this time, first and foremost. What do you need? We all go through personal crises... if something happens in your life and you need someone, do you want a man who can be there to hold you and tell you they love you - on YOUR schedule? Do you want to live in hiding? Is honesty and openness important to you? Can you tolerate the idea that you are being 'dishonest' toward another woman - his wife? Think about what YOU want and YOU need, not just about what he needs. I loved my xMM so much that I sacrificed my own needs for his. The thing is, in the end, he wasn't willing to sacrifice any of his needs for mine... I know you don't want to hear advice that tells you to leave, but I am going to recommend you think long and hard about whether you want the type of pain you are feeling now to last a lot longer - and believe me, the longer you are in the relationship, the deeper the pain can become, if you truly love him. Either that, or you will close off and become numb, which takes many years to work through... Stay here, stay talking, and hug your kids a lot...
redplanet Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hi Simonsgurl, and lots of hugs to you, I've been a bit of a fencesitter here for quite sometime but regularly log on and read posts of which many are incredibly helpful and insightful. IMO, Frannie and Phoenixrising's messages are invaluable here and I have also been in a very similar situation especially because of the long term friendship I also had with my x?MM. We didn't really achieve complete NC during the last 12 months, because I wasn't willing to give up on the friendship but had to let go of the sexual nature of our relationship. It's definitely not a PA anymore and not even an EA (some may beg to differ), but a lovely friendship that even though at times I am a little vulnerable, I appreciate that we can communicate on many levels except in an intimate way which he tries on me, but I will not connect on that level anymore. It's not easy, but we have managed to keep our friendship in tact, which is extremely important to both of us, but we did have several months of NC which helped me to get a sense of balance. So I guess what I'm trying to say here is that anything's possible. You can be open to many possibilities and that is different to hope and longing, just an openness so you don't completely close the door on the possibility of a unique friendship with an old friend. And ditto to Phoenixrising's message on hugging your kids a lot. warm wishes
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