pigeonsid Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Hi guys- Sorry, I just need some support right now. I've been trying to pick myself back up for the past week, but I seem to have relapsed back into missing my ex a lot, being unable to control the crying even when I'm in public, etc. A few weeks ago I thought I had convinced myself that he wasn't right for me, that he was the one who was missing out, that I could do better than him. Right now I just want him, and I really do feel as though I have lost the only good thing that ever happened to me in my life. I had some really tough years before I met him, and when he came into my life I really thought that something was just going to get easier. I can't believe he just left me like that. And I don't know what to do. I'm trying to tell myself logically that of course I will find someone else, of course I am going to be happy again, but I just feel so scared, miserable and alone right now. When is this pain going to end? When am I going to start feeling more positive again? And how can I just cut him out of my brain and out of my heart?
Starla Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 hi pigeon i don't really know your story, but it sounds like, when he left, he didn't give you a real explanation...you seem very confused as to why he just upped and went. sadly, you might never get one. you seem to believe that you have nothing going for you...that all your happiness is wrapped up in this one person. but you know, you can NEVER place your chance for happiness on something/someone external. like people who say 'i'll be happy if only i get this job', or 'i'll be happy if only he goes out with me'. it just doesn't work. these things can ADD to your quality of life, but really, the rest is an inside job!! don't worry about meeting someone else...use this time alone to build your confidence and your self worth. take up new activities, meet new people, maybe go on holiday...anything that makes you feel good about yourself. if you feel good about yourself, you won't feel the need to look outside yourself for happiness. no one can make you happy except you. give yourself a chance to grieve for the relationship that was so important. feel all the pain - don't numb it with drink or anything - and then, gradually, once you have grieved, you will recover. you WILL. and then go out and enjoy an independent life. if you meet someone else, great. if you don't, well, hopefully you'll get to the stage where that's great too!! become so strong that no matter what happens, you'll deal with it!!
datingmum Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 oh babe. I feel exactly the same. I don't get it. Someone told me the other night that just by writing on this site, focusing on it, I am attracting more pain. What do you think of this theory? See, I'd assumed coming on here was positive, in the sense that it was a form of relationship autopsy that most never get to have with their ex-significant other. Also, it diverts all the pressure on close friends, whom, let's face it, can only take so much. But my friend who suggested it is an NLP practitioner and seemed to really believe it. He said I needed to keep focused on the positive things in my life, completely STOP the negative thought cycle in my head in its tracks. How? Concentration. Every time you get a negative thought in your head, catch yourself and place a positive visualisation there. Yes, it's hard. But it does work a bit. I found that kickstarting the positive thinking off with a session of therapy/visualisation works very well, and if you can't afford it, there are lots of meditational/hynotic style CDs on the market. Then, my therapist gave me this homework: Every morning when you wake, lie in bed visualising that feeling of flying/of letting go of the chains you thought bound you but in fact you were holding onto for fear of flying and being happy/moving on. (This is the script we did at our last session). Then, practice positive thinking ONLY in the day. Really really try it. Before bed at night, meditate again on the progress you've made for that day, no matter how tiny. DO NOT focus on any back steps or problems. Simply the progress. Me: I did two hours of work before. I handled my daughter's tantrum well. I styled my hair. I did the dishes. I mean really basic baby steps for me, as I have truly gotten that low. So, she says that after SEVEN days, if you practice and actually do this with concentrated effort and no relapse, you will have successfully re-programmed some neural pathways. she says that after so much grief, pain, negative thinking, that it is simply too hard to just *expect* to be able to think/be positive with logic and reason. We must make choices and work at it. I'm going to have to start over because I dropped the ball after about 4 days last week and now, though I took 5 steps forward, I've now taken 3 back. What do you think?
Author pigeonsid Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 Hi datingmum- I've also wondered if being on LS is just prolonging this process. On the one hand, I find myself here because I am going through life pretending to be okay. I'm trying to stop talking to my friends about missing my ex, or these problems. I've exhausted my time limit on this, I know - it's time to move on and not dwell on it too much. But I still find myself really struggling, and so I come onto this site to just be able to get these feelings out. Having other people's support also helps (just knowing that I'm not alone in dealing with this). But you're right - thanks for the exercise. I'm going to try do it as well. I've been trying to stay positive, trying to keep remembering all the things about my ex that weren't so perfect. I know the choice has been made for me, and I have to move on because he isn't coming back. But it is just really hard to find that thread to keep you going. I don't know. I feel worn down from the past few years of emotional turmoil. Last year was really supposed to be my good year - I thought at last I'd found something stable. I still can't believe it just fell apart, and instead of finally having something good and stable in my life I just got more emotional turmoil. Oh well, thanks for your advice - I'm going to try to practice positive thinking and tell myself that life can improve, even if right now it doesn't feel like it will.
Starla Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 you can do it...a relapse is just that - one step backwards!!! don't be so negative!! you say you're trying..recognise all the little steps you make, like getting up 10 minutes earlier, eating better, maybe making a phone call you were dreading....all are baby steps but important steps!! come on!!!!
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