Lilach Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 We are both single and not dating anyone. Since we met we have been exclusive, meaning none of us has dated other people, although we never agreed on being exclusive. We were FWB and he stopped it because he did not want to hurt me, he said. Since then, we hang out together constantly and we enjoy a lot each others company. We have been hanging around without sex for over 3 months and it feels great, much better than when we were just FWB. He also says that. I would like to take things one step further and asked him what he thought about it. He said he really liked me as a friend and would not like to change things. I am somehow confused by his behavior. I know the attraction is there from the very first moment we met: thats why we started the sex so fast! I know he feels comfortable with me, so...what do you think is missing for us to work as a couple? Has any of you guys been in a similar situation: what happened at the end? Please, help!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I have to admit that it is unusual for you to get both the sexual rejection and the 'lets be friends' rejection and have him still want to spend so much time with you. Usually when you get that from a man, you rarely if ever see the guy again except in passing. I said so in your other thread - I still think if he isn't getting sex from you, and has dropped the 'friends' line on you then he is likely getting the sex from elsewhere. Are you certain you are exclusive?
New Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 (edited) You know, sometimes (I don't say that you're too) a man & a woman should just be friends and are not necessarily more. He likes to hang out with you and take you as a friend, but maybe he's not ready yet for a serious relationship. Maybe he's still finding the best. Another possibilities is that he likes you so much that he's afraid of losing you. He might be scared if things doesn't work out well (when you're in a serious relationship), he might loses you as a friend. Edited March 29, 2008 by New
Author Lilach Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 I have to admit that it is unusual for you to get both the sexual rejection and the 'lets be friends' rejection and have him still want to spend so much time with you. Usually when you get that from a man, you rarely if ever see the guy again except in passing. I said so in your other thread - I still think if he isn't getting sex from you, and has dropped the 'friends' line on you then he is likely getting the sex from elsewhere. Are you certain you are exclusive? Thanks LB. Yes, I had already read your opinion and of course I can not be 100% sure we are exclusive, but I am in touch with him every single day until quite late in the evening, we go out together during the weekends, we make short trips together.... So, I would say we are exclusive, yes.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 OP I understand the the frustration you must be going through with this guy, as you see him with th potential of being somethng more but at the same tim he can't respond to you in the way you wish he would. His willingness to pursue an open friendship with you means alot and especially because he had already voiced that he couldn't pursue anything deeper than what already is, do you still feel that you can ask for what he doesn't want? I know your intention is not meant to be interpreted as forcing the issue, but you have to take what is at face value. Clearly what you continue to pursue is wishful thinking and it is hindering your process of finding someone who is truly genuine about their feelings for you. In life, not everthing are to work in our favor entirely, and for you this is one of them. I advise you to cherish and value his friendship but at the same time turn your focus on to someone else who is able to reciprocate the same feelings.
Starla Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 hi lilach...i wonder if he hasn't met someone else. the time this happened to me (almost a carbon copy of your story), he had met someone else, and didn't want to feel deceitful to me or her. even if he has not yet formed a relationship with her, i feel there is a strong possibility he has at least met her. and i also feel he must strongly cherish your friendship and love your company...the relationship he has with you is probably clear in his mind as being like best friends, and he doesn't want to muddy the waters by adding anything else to it!!!!
Author Lilach Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 hi lilach...i wonder if he hasn't met someone else. the time this happened to me (almost a carbon copy of your story), he had met someone else, and didn't want to feel deceitful to me or her. even if he has not yet formed a relationship with her, i feel there is a strong possibility he has at least met her. and i also feel he must strongly cherish your friendship and love your company...the relationship he has with you is probably clear in his mind as being like best friends, and he doesn't want to muddy the waters by adding anything else to it!!!! Hi, Starla. Thanks for your opinion. What happened with your friend and you at the end?
Starla Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 well, lilach, i love him and he loves me, and i have to tell you...it was the best thing that could have happened. before, when we were FWB, there was always an unhappiness in me, wondering if he was using me, and if i was using him. it wasn't overwhelming or anything - just kind of niggling. so when he suggested (yep - his idea lol) that we be friends, i was taken aback, mainly because he had been more into the sex than i had been. i was disappointed at first - i knew i'd miss the intimacy, and i went through a stage where i felt rejected. i felt he'd used me for sex, and now didn't want to. BUT....lilach it's actually the best thing that could have happened. we love each other's company, and we're best friends. i know now he cherishes me as his friend, and that feels much better than wondering if it was all just physical for him. (like you, the attraction between us was there at the start) it was later i discovered he had met someone else. he told me. he said he couldn't deal with deceit, and wanted, for everyone's sakes, to have me as his friend, and her as maybe someone he could form a relationship with. and the fact is, our friendship is amazing..so i do believe him when he tells me this. i will tell you though, that it was very sudden when he decided to be friends, with no sex. and i think i knew there was someone else. something/someone had happened to him, to make him decide this. and it turned out to be the case. my bet is he loves you, maybe now more than ever - he must, if he is treating you like this, being totally fair to you and loving you as his friend.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Thanks LB. Yes, I had already read your opinion and of course I can not be 100% sure we are exclusive, but I am in touch with him every single day until quite late in the evening, we go out together during the weekends, we make short trips together.... So, I would say we are exclusive, yes. If you really want this man to change and see you in the romantic way again, DON'T be in touch with him very much and in fact don't contact him at all for quite a while. He needs to miss you. DON'T be available to him when he asks you to do things. If he misses you and thinks 'Hmmm, I want Lilach in my life.' then he will come to YOU romantically. You are being too much of a pushover right now....he knows he could have you if he wanted you and there is nothing left for him. Sorry but you need to take some drastic action of not hanging with him or contacting him at all for a long time and let him come to you. That is the only thing that will work in this situation, seriously.
Author Lilach Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Thanks Starla. I think your story is a very nice one and fits perfectly fine with what papercut (thanks also for your opinion!) was telling here: that I should cherish his friendship and find someone else that can reciprocate my feelings. I do already value his friendship. It means a lot to me because I had not connected so well with a person in many, many years. And yes: this connection was not there while we had sex. It appeared after we stop being FWB! I guess the fact that this person happens to be a guy makes things a little bit different. And maybe the mixed feelings I have for him right now will fade with time. I guess that is what you managed to do with time, Starla, isn't it? Do male-female friends completely lose physical attraction with time, or that is something which is always there? I mean: can you REALLY stop seeing the other as a man and see him just as a friend if you were intimate once?
Starla Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 good question lilach!! well, with me there are times i do think of the times we were physical, but i don't want to act on them, and i think that's the difference. even when i look at him, and feel something (it never really went away completely) i don't want to act on these feelings, coz i just adore having him as my friend so much. plus he's with someone, so it's out of the question. i suppose we have reached the point where the friendship we have is sooooo important, that to risk it is a risk neither of us want to take.
Kamille Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Lilach, I've been following your threads, and although I'm not a big fan of the book, if I were in your shoes I would drop by a book store and glance at a few chapters of He's just not that into you. I also wonder if it might not help if you brought up the topic with him - to understand it clearer. He does sound like a good friend who will be able to make his reasoning clear. Plus I'm sure that if he is such a good friend, he doesn't want to lead you on. You could bring it up in a rather casual way - no need to delve into your feelings for him: just ask him why he thinks you two make better friends then romantic partners. The bottom line is your feelings are fooling you into trying to see a swan where a duck is waddling. Do whatever you have to do to not get stuck there. A prolonged period of pinning for somebody who for their own reasons do not reciprocate can be really hard on your self esteem. The point is, you deserve to be with someone where there is no ambiguity.
Author Lilach Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Sometimes it is ironic how things happen. Me, here, asking for help, without knowing all my questions were going to be answered spontaneously! Yesterday night my friend phoned saying he wanted to tell me something because he was not feeling ok. So, we talked and he explained to me that he has been intermittently sleeping with his ex since before we both met and that was in the reason why he dropped the "lets just be friends" to start with. He does not want to get together with her, but it seems it happened again this weekend and he was feeling sick about the situation and decided to tell me. He said he does want to keep me in his life and that he is sorry for all this. I feel like an idiot and I now realize how right some of you were when telling me to step away from all this. It was extremely hard to do it, but I just stopped all contact with him. It hurts a lot losing this person from my life like this, but now I don't even trust him as a friend. So, I am afraid my story did not have a happy ending... or not yet: I will need time to trust another person again and to find someone ready to be with me. Why is life so painful sometimes?
Kamille Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Sometimes it is ironic how things happen. Me, here, asking for help, without knowing all my questions were going to be answered spontaneously! Yesterday night my friend phoned saying he wanted to tell me something because he was not feeling ok. So, we talked and he explained to me that he has been intermittently sleeping with his ex since before we both met and that was in the reason why he dropped the "lets just be friends" to start with. He does not want to get together with her, but it seems it happened again this weekend and he was feeling sick about the situation and decided to tell me. He said he does want to keep me in his life and that he is sorry for all this. I feel like an idiot and I now realize how right some of you were when telling me to step away from all this. It was extremely hard to do it, but I just stopped all contact with him. It hurts a lot losing this person from my life like this, but now I don't even trust him as a friend. So, I am afraid my story did not have a happy ending... or not yet: I will need time to trust another person again and to find someone ready to be with me. Why is life so painful sometimes? ((Lilach)). I'm glad you found out what was going on. And you sound like you have the right attitude about moving on. Take good care of yourself today. Go work out, take a bubble bath, call up a good friend. This is day one of moving on.
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