BIG Age Difference

[SameSame]

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum, I have read through some of the posts and enjoyed the responses... I know there are many questions about age difference, but every situation is 'unique' in it's own way.

 

I'll make this as short as possible...

 

I had a previous relationship when I was 15 with a 42yr. old man that lasted 2yrs. steady. Then another 2yrs. scattered and on and off. We had sex the first 2yrs. without protection (his sperm count was very low) I never got pregnant. After breaking up for 7 months, I hooked up with him again for 3 months, this time I got pregnant but didn't know until we split.

 

I decided abortion would be for the best (I was 18). So in some mad, emotional rampage after the abortion I heard he was in town again. And I decided to see him. He was at a fellow AA member's house camping in his back yard. We had sex with protection this time and I went there every few days. We were not in a relationship though, and I told him this.

 

Here's where it gets complicated. During my time with him, I met his friend. My first impression was he was arrogant but extremely charming. I was immediatley attracted to him. Unfortunately, he was 60yrs. old and married. After going there a few more times, I began going there for this new man, nothing had happened, I just enjoyed his company - I also noticed he and his wife were constantly fighting and he often complained about her (not to me).

 

So I figure if I just sleep with him it wouldn't hurt, they were getting a divorce anyways and he seemed interested in me. BTW, the ex figured out what was happening and he was kicked out for causing problems because of his jealousy. So we finally slept together and about a week after the first time he said he loved me. Scared the hell outta me and I told him I thought it was too soon for him to feel that way, and I certainly had feelings for him but not that strong. We continued meeting for sex while his wife was at work, and I would leave before she came back.

 

While this was happening, I slept with the ex again and two other guys. So although I was'nt expecting him to just up and leave his wife already (they hadn't discussed divorce yet) he had planned to and thought we were in a relationship (I guess we were). I have not cheated since.

 

Long story short, I tell him I love him and his wife finally knows about me after me slipping up and calling him and she asks him if he loves me. He told her he did and this causes the seperation within a month. Now she is moved out and they are going through the divorce (financial issues made the process longer). We have plans to move in together, then marriage when he is divorced, and I think I'm pregnant right now, I'm about 2 & 1/2 wks. late. I was living with him for 3 months and was having legal issues. I had to move back with my parents due to breach and have been living here since Jan 1st on house arrest until late April.

 

I apologize for the length, I tried to sum up most of the relevant information. So here are my questions: I've told him I love him, and I do, but am I IN love with him, and what is the difference? What is he after, could he really love me? How much does the age difference effect what has happened in the relationship so far?

 

I'll just add some key points in case I didn't mention above, I'm 19, he's 61 now. We've been together 10 months. I want a life with one man for a long time. He loves me, I love him. He's seperated from his wife and divorce will be complete within a year. During that time, in fact right now, he is looking for a new house for us. We are really serious, and I'm just looking for insight and opinions, please don't sugar-coat anything.

 

Thank you.

Edited March 29, 2008 by AptlyInsane

[Balthazar]

Ok, I'll take the bait on this one Insane,

 

I'll just add some key points in case I didn't mention above, I'm 19, he's 61 now. We've been together 10 months. I want a life with one man for a long time. He loves me, I love him. He's separated from his wife and divorce will be complete within a year. During that time, in fact right now, he is looking for a new house for us. We are really serious, and I'm just looking for insight and opinions, please don't sugar-coat anything.

 

Thank you.

 

I am not usually the one around LS to criticize an age difference, especially since I have always been attracted to women 18 - 25(I am 37).

However, in your case , your attraction to men so much older may be pathological in nature.

A form of gerontophylia perhaps.

I mean, your 19 for god's sake, why would you want a life with a guy 42 years older?

He is already past his prime, not to mention the fact that he probably won't be able to take you out, go on trips, have fun etc. as you would expect. At his age, his energy level cannot compare to yours.

How about the sex?

At 61, he has probably slowed down a lot, and while having a 19 year old in his bed can work wonders for his libido, I don't think he will be able to sexually satisfy you without some Viagra handy.

Finally, you say you want a long life with one man, yet you are at the beginning of adult life and he is moving into the final stretch. He has a few average to poor years left in him(61-67) and possibly 10-15 years of old age(with all the inherent medical problems people 70+ face).

If he lives that long that is.

Is this guy well off or really wealthy perhaps? Is it possible that he may pass away quickly and leave you with a well feathered nest egg?

Excuse my cynicism , it's just that some young women are , in rare instances, interested in wealthy older men for such reasons.

 

Again, far be it for me to criticize age differences, but you must draw the line somewhere;

there has to be some sort of logic.

 

And I don't see any in this relationship.

You should sincerely hope you are not pregnant.

Best of luck,

[Nevermind]

I read sex a lot, but not much else. Why do you love this man and why does he love you? Why the rush to get married?

[Starla]

oh my goodness!! don't even think about marrying him. you're still a teenager...barely out of childhood and at the cusp of adulthood. you have been sleeping with older men since you WERE a child....for make no mistake, at 15, you are a CHILD!!! you have been hopping from one man to another and ask yourself why!! why have you felt this need, to be with men much older than you and who should know better. my guess is you are desperately searching for someone to look after you, because you feel you cannot look after yourself.

 

but you know what? you haven't given yourself a chance - you're 19 for petes sakes. you should be living life to the full, with career ambition, making your way in the world and achieving great things and hanging out with your mates and seeing the world....building your confidence and being happy!!!

 

forget the men. concentrate on yourself, and learn how to stand on your own two feet. breaking up marriages and sleeping with perverted old men is no way to have a happy, fulfilled life. go to college, get a job, go travelling, join a theatre company, take up painting...anything that will make you feel so confident and good about ourself that you wouldn't dream of hanging out with these older men who are and will drag you down!!

[Balthazar]

 

.anything that will make you feel so confident and good about ourself that you wouldn't dream of hanging out with these older men who are and will drag you down!!

 

To be fair to the gentlemen in question STARLA, the young lady is the one who found them, and probably, the one who seduced them.

Perverted? No, they are just following their normal male impulses; these exist whether a man is 15 or 75.

[Starla]

hi balthazar. men aren't animals...they have self control, and just because they feel something, doesn't mean they have to act on it.

 

and an old man CHOOSING to sleep with a 15 year old child is perverted. and a man of any age who sleeps with a vulnerable young woman, barely out of childhood (she seduced them? the MEN were the adults here...) is also extremely perverted!!!

[Citizen Erased]

This cannot possibly be for real. I am 20 and wouldn't consider a man in his 40's, let alone 60's (no offence guys, but I'm not looking for a father )

 

If it is true, I am glad the OP in no longer with the man who took advantage of her at such a young age. Relationships with sex offenders rarely work out I would imagine.

 

A long life with a 61 year old man? Keep dreaming hon.

[SameSame]

Thank you for your replies and honesty. In response to Balthazar, when I said I want a life with one man for a long time, I mainly mean I don't want to play around with younger men who not all, but some cheat and lie. I want to be with this man for as long as I can be. As far as I know, he doesn't have any health concerns, he is somewhat new to this area so I'm getting him to see my doctor for a full checkup. He is not rich by any means, in fact the complete opposite, I prefer not to get into details. It's not about any of that though, I will get a job and even if it pays very little we will be able to live off it. I don't know about the attraction to older men, I have been with a couple younger men but I never felt a connection.

Logic and love don't mix, I'm going with my heart on this one and he has done the same. The sex, by the way, is terrific. He has no issues with age and it's not just sex - it is so much deeper. Not only physical, but also on an emotional level.

 

Nevermind - Yes, the beginning of the relationship was entirely based on sex, for me anyways, and I'm sure for him to at first. The sex turned into more and with that, I believe developed love. I love him because he is such a great man, he is caring, gentle, respectful, intelligent, passionate, considerate and overall, he just treats me very well. He says he loves me for my personality and the way I treat him. He said he can't explain it all, but when we met, he felt a 'spark'.

 

Starla - Your advice is very logical, but it sounds like your getting the impression that all I want is fun. Well, you're right, who doesn't want fun? But not as you've described it. Fun for me is what others would consider boring, slow and laid back. I enjoy every minute he and I spend together. Our relationship will not keep me from getting a job - maybe career, in fact, he's encouraging me to further my education and do as I please. I didn't break up the marriage, they had their own issues which my ex informed me on (not like I wanted to hear anything from him). I prefer to stay away from that as well, let's just say divorce was certainly in the future, perhaps my presence merely pushed the envelope. And he is not perverted, the seducing was equal and he often told me he felt ashamed, I did to at times.

 

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate your opinions.

[Starla]

hi aptly - it was the first guy i thought was a perv, and i think it's GREAT this one is encouraging to you. people in your life, who support you and encourage you..well, you can't put a price on them!! but...you also don't need to marry them.

 

listen pet, you do sound like you love him, but i just want to say this to you. people, i think anyway, change more through their twenties, than at any time during the rest of their life. as you go through your twenties, you gain a wisdom that shapes the rest of your life. we look at people differently too...the person you felt you loved at twenty you find yourself looking at in your thirties, thinking where was my mind?!

 

this isn't true for everyone. some people meet their life partners as teenagers. but my worry for you sweet is that there is already soooo many more obstacles here for you to deal with and work through.

 

i really would seriously consider spending time on your own. you have had boyfriends from such a young age...when have you had the chance to love your own company and be independent, without a man beside you??

[Tony T]

So here are my questions: I've told him I love him, and I do, but am I IN love with him, and what is the difference? What is he after, could he really love me? How much does the age difference effect what has happened in the relationship so far?

 

I'll just add some key points in case I didn't mention above, I'm 19, he's 61 now. We've been together 10 months. I want a life with one man for a long time. He loves me, I love him. He's seperated from his wife and divorce will be complete within a year. During that time, in fact right now, he is looking for a new house for us. We are really serious, and I'm just looking for insight and opinions, please don't sugar-coat anything.

 

Thank you.

 

1. In normal circumstances, love is better than "in love." "In love" feels real good but blinds you to a lot of things and is brought on by chemicals in the brain that neutralize in time. Fireworks are what nature uses to get male and female together to procreate and it seems the two of you are doing just fine without the "in love" stuff.

 

2. The age difference. Well first, if you marry the guy most likely you'll be a widow, if not a divorcee, sometime in your mid to late 30's (or before). You're young enough to be his granddaughter. Right now this is a novelty for him. When he has had enough of the young stuff he'll be yearning for someone closer to his age who shares a lot of his history on the planet and with whom he has a lot of life's experiences in common.

 

This will not work for you. However, if you're having a good time hang in there until it goes sour. Meanwhile, stop getting pregnant. IF YOU LISTEN TO NOTHING ELSE, LISTEN TO THIS: A baby will sour a relationship like this about as fast as anything. An old man screwing a chick more than 40 years his junior IS NOT LOOKING TO HAVE BABIES....HE'S WANTING A "GOOD" TIME!!!

[SameSame]

Starla,

 

Sorry I misunderstood who the perv was; you're right, looking back at it now I was too young. And you're right again, maybe I'm too young now, by that I mean I may change my mind in the future. I could never predict doing so but people do change. You will most likely consider this an immature comment to the marriage and you would probably right for thinking so, but... marriage to me is a peice of paper. I am not religious and do not feel the need for marriage, however it is important to him and I respect that. If I plan to be with him anyways, why not have it 'official'. I don't really understand the difference between a relationship and marriage in terms of love and commitment.

I absolutely agree with you on spending time alone, it is something I need and have been technically doing since my legal matters occured. I haven't seen him in a while and I spend a lot of time thinking - but about him! So yes, it really isn't the alone time you're suggesting. I wasn't looking for a relationship though, after the ex and I broke up the first time I had planned to stay single for a long time - and I did for nearly a year, I still saw a few other guys, but wasn't into dating. Then I met him, and the immediate attraction made me disregard morals and logic. It's corny, I know, but I followed my heart.

[Starla]

i understand - when you meet someone and fall for them, they do have a way of consuming your thoughts and all 'normal' behaviour goes out the window!!

 

i wonder why marriage is important to him. he seems to be lurching from one marriage straight into another, and sweet i have to tell you, that bothers me a lot!! i think he's being grossly unfair to you - he's urging you to tie yourself to him, an old man, instead of urging you to stay free and independent, giving you time to decide what it is you want. regardless of how you view marriage, it is a HUGE step, one of the most important you will take in life, and i feel he has no right to impose it on you.

 

the right thing for this man to do, is to let you go. he should certainly not be asking a young woman, with her whole life in front of her, to settle down at 19, effectively robbing her of her independence and freedom and the right to make her own decisions....for make no mistake, the very fact you are taking the huge step of marriage under his duress is a sign he is making decisions that will affect your whole life FOR you.

 

please PLEASE reconsider this. if you were truly independent and valued yourself, you would never allow yourself to get married just to please him. it's your life, not his.

[SameSame]

Tony T - Thanks for your response and the answer to my question. You pointed out a major difference between love and being in love. I have thought a lot about whether he thinks he's serious or if he really is for a longterm relationship. My fear is what you pointed out:

 

"When he has had enough of the young stuff he'll be yearning for someone closer to his age who shares a lot of his history on the planet and with whom he has a lot of life's experiences in common."

 

Conversation is key to any relationship, and often I haven't a clue what he's talking about. But I did live with my grandparents when I was a child (yes, I have an active father, so it's not a father-figure thing) so I can relate to some things he says and even surprise him at times. Most of the time we talk about the present and the future, the only past that tends to come up is our up-bringing, which is similar in some ways, different in others.

[SameSame]

Starla - Thank you for your opinion. You brought up an excellent point about the marriage, I don't understand the concept myself and what's worse, maybe he doesn't even understand it. I guess I just assumed it was because he is religious. I will ask him about it.

[Starla]

my guess is he's old fashioned and from a generation that sees marriage as a must...there CAN be a religious side to it, and people sometimes want to get married before God as they see it as a union He brought about.

 

but...getting married is a legal bind. it might be different in the states, but in the uk your husband can have access to your bank account, his debts incurred during your marriage will be YOUR responsibility as well as his, he can sue you whereas without marriage you have no legal responsibility if he incurs an accident (for example if you were driving), and if you want to end the relationship, you will have to go to court to do it. you will also be his carer if you get married, when he gets even older and sicker.

 

would he want to be with you if you weren't planning on getting married?

[Lizzie60]

I had a previous relationship when I was 15 with a 42yr. old man that lasted 2yrs. steady. Then another 2yrs. scattered and on and off. We had sex the first 2yrs. without protection (his sperm count was very low) I never got pregnant. After breaking up for 7 months, I hooked up with him again for 3 months, this time I got pregnant but didn't know until we split.

 

I decided abortion would be for the best (I was 18).

 

I am not a math whiz.. but this doesn't add up..

[SameSame]

Wow, is the age difference ever showing in terms of knowledge and life experience, eh? This matrimony deal sounds like a trap overall. Silly me to forget the legalities... Well, I will most certainly ask him about the importance of marriage to him - but I doubt he would mention what you did, he never has before. Regardless his answer, I'm definitely reconsidering jumping into the "I Do's" so soon. I have no problems taking responsibility for our lives and certainly no problems caring for him should any health problems arise, but the fact I asked him about his persistence on marriage and he failed to explain basically everything.

If I refuse he wouldn't end the relationship because at the beginning when he spoke about marriage in general, I gave my negative opinion about it and he agreed on some degree.

 

Thank you once again!

[Starla]

you have a whole life ahead of you....there is simply no need to make major, life changing decisions like this at 19 - i am sooooooooo glad you're reconsidering sweet!! there is so much you could be doing with your life...developing your talents, meeting new people, seeing the world - never EVER sell yourself short!!!!

[SameSame]

I had a previous relationship when I was 15 with a 42yr. old man that lasted 2yrs. steady. Then another 2yrs. scattered and on and off. We had sex the first 2yrs. without protection (his sperm count was very low) I never got pregnant. After breaking up for 7 months, I hooked up with him again for 3 months, this time I got pregnant but didn't know until we split.

 

I decided abortion would be for the best (I was 18).

 

I am not a math whiz.. but this doesn't add up..

 

I was 14 (2003) turning 15 (B-Day's Sept.) when the relationship began. At 15 until I turned 16 I saw him, skipping class and such. At 16 (Sept. 2005) I moved in with him until early June 2006(turning 18) at which point we broke up and I moved back w/the parents. 7 & 1/2 months later, Jan, he decides to move near me. I was with him until early May (You're right, it was 4 months and a bit). Early June 2007, I had the abortion. I was 18.

 

Sorry for the confusion, in the midst of trying to summarize things I confused myself as well. I hope this clarifies things, thanks for the correction.

[SameSame]

you have a whole life ahead of you....there is simply no need to make major, life changing decisions like this at 19 - i am sooooooooo glad you're reconsidering sweet!! there is so much you could be doing with your life...developing your talents, meeting new people, seeing the world - never EVER sell yourself short!!!!

 

Thanks for the wonderful advice, hun. You've definitely helped me in areas I've completely overlooked. I wish you all the best!

[Starla]

:):):):)

 

right back at ya!! and remember...you have come through so much already that i think you are much stronger than you believe, the kind of girl who can do anything and achieve so much!!! there are so many wonderful people out there, just waiting to meet you, and so many exciting adventures ahead of you, and places to see that will take your breath away. give yourself the chance to experience all that you can - be in control of your life, and do only what will truly make you happy.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lizzie60]

I was 14 (2003) turning 15 (B-Day's Sept.) when the relationship began. At 15 until I turned 16 I saw him, skipping class and such. At 16 (Sept. 2005) I moved in with him until early June 2006(turning 18) at which point we broke up and I moved back w/the parents. 7 & 1/2 months later, Jan, he decides to move near me. I was with him until early May (You're right, it was 4 months and a bit). Early June 2007, I had the abortion. I was 18.

 

Sorry for the confusion, in the midst of trying to summarize things I confused myself as well. I hope this clarifies things, thanks for the correction.

 

OK.. thanks for the clarification..

 

You made the right choice sweetie.. 18 is way too young to have a baby.. and realistically much too young to have a relationship with a 40 or 60 yr old man..

[witabix]

This cannot possibly be for real. I am 20 and wouldn't consider a man in his 40's, let alone 60's (no offence guys, but I'm not looking for a father )

 

 

This is what I would consider a healthy attitude for a woman of this age to have.

 

I am on the other end of this line, a man in his 40's, and I would not consider a relationship with a woman under 35. Its not sick per se, I would wonder why a woman in her twenties would be interested in me. I tried it and it was an umitigated disaster, different generation really, different morals and views on the world. It would seem odd hearing my views come from a woman of such tender age.

[Nevermind]

no problems caring for him should any health problems arise,

 

Caring for an elderly person can very well mean to wipe his arse. To feed him. To wash him.

 

Make sure you know what you're going for.

[Balthazar]

hi balthazar. men aren't animals...they have self control, and just because they feel something, doesn't mean they have to act on it.

 

and an old man CHOOSING to sleep with a 15 year old child is perverted. and a man of any age who sleeps with a vulnerable young woman, barely out of childhood (she seduced them? the MEN were the adults here...) is also extremely perverted!!!

 

I disagree Starla. Self control does not apply to such a case. The man in question who slept with Insane when she was 15 was 42;hardly an old man.

Was he correct in doing so? According to the law, NO, and that is enough in my book to make it wrong.

 

However, Did he even know she was 15 years old?

Insane could be one of those girls who look older than they are.

Whatever the case, he didn't rape her or force her to do anything she did not want to.

And Insane had a relationship with this man that lasted some time, meaning that there was attraction and certain needs being met on both sides.

 

In his place, would I choose a 15 year old woman?

Probably not, considering issues of immaturity and the law, but because of my line of work(education), I have seen 15 year olds that can seduce older men with ease.

I think Insane is not some innocent little girl who didn't know what she was doing.

And even if she didn't at first, why did she form a relationship later?

 

Then having had such a relationship, Insane went into another one with an even older guy.

THIS is the relationship that bothers me, because it clearly shows a trend in HER preferences;

The guys have nothing to do with it; SHE is the one that needs to look within herself and realize why she is in such relationships. I believe that even if she breaks up, she may possibly go for an older man yet again.

And this is something which she needs to consider carefully is she is really looking for a long term relationship.

Insane, you are no going to get this with a 61 year old guy.

 

Finally, on the subject of perversion and the 61 year old.

 

Insane was of legal age, and the 61 year old ,again, did not force her to do any of the things she did.

He may be lovestruck with a youthful woman, but that is hardly perverted.

In even if it is, isn't it also PERVERTED on Insane's part to want a 61 year old?

WHy a double standard? Why is it the guy's fault STARLA? By the same token, is it not perverted for 50-60 yeard old women to go out with young guys?

 

NOT in my book.

 

I define a perversion as an aberration against nature and society.

 

How can it be perverted to desire young woman?

 

I think we need to be more careful before passing judgements.

Otherwise, we will all be deemed "perverted" in some way , shape or form.

Cheers,