scurvy Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Hi everybody i am new just looking for a little advice on how to handle this situation......... i will give you a little background....... Well to make a long story short my husband was involved with a woman for about 2 months last fall. She claims she is pregnant with his child. He is not convinced it is his due to her past and present life style.... but anyway. Not to make excuses for my husband but she has several kids from several men whom supposedly she has tried to "trap". She is due in a few months. She also has tried to get him to sign some papers supposedly to "waive child support". I am aware that she calls him. She calls him telling him she hates him and if he dosen't love her he better love their child and things like that. (he is prepared to be a father to this child if its his, but expresses great remorse that she will be the mother and he will always be in our lives) Then she calls just to talk or see how he's doing. Or say she misses him. And i try to understand i feel for her situation but as they say she mader her bed..... and this is not the first time she has been in similar situation. Anyway thats a taste of the sordid background now for my dilema. I am still trying to recover from this whole situation and all that comes with it. I don't like the fact that she calls him and that he occassionally answers... most the time he ignores her calls. But I try and respect the fact that she is pregnant, alone, and that he is possibly the father. However I heard a message the other day...... he told me she had called earlier that day and they talked for a few minutes, but apperantly she called back latter on and he did not answer so she leaves this message.... saying 'heeeeeeey baaaaby itsssss meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (squeak), im just callin cause im boooooooorrrrrrrreddddd i will call you later i (squeak) loooove youuuuu Now what the F is that all about. I have not confronted my husband yet about this as i am trying to be constructive..... but maybe it would be good for him to see me fly off the handle and snap on him... i'm usualy very mellow these are my inital reactions Baby?!!!?!?! how the bleep is he gonna let this tramp keep talking to him like that callin him baby and sh^t. Then i love u. are u kidding me. you barely even know the dude. Where in this did she get so comfortable? And how is he gonna let her disrespect me like that?!!!?!?! How is he gonna disrespect me like that. I know her well enough to know that this is mostly her own thing and not my husband carrying on a relationship with her. But dang... what the? He has obviously not drawn very clear boundries but is not involved with her anymore nor wants to be. I'm not one for ultimatums..... i don't think they are necessarily effective. But I think i am going to have to put the smack down with one. I respected that they communicated once in a while because the pregnancy factor..... they shouldn't be enemies. But now I see that there needs to be clearer lines drawn or my relationship with my husband will never heal. So it has helped already just typing this situation out (thanks for bearing with me!) but i just wanted some input on making this ultimatum / enforcing some boundries. So i was thinking i should just let my husband know how disrespected i feel by both of them..... but mostly him because he is my husband and if he dosen't choose to make some boundries why would she? In that respect why would she respect me & my relationship with him if he allows her to talk to him like that and call him whenever she wants to be sweat or needs to yell. I think it is important that they remain civil for the sake of this potential child they made and for that i never forbade him to talk to her. I expressed my feeling about the issue and my need for respect. but this message she left makes me want to change my mind. And lets me know that he has not made any progress in setting some boundries. anyway this is kind of a crazy post, sorry its rambly. its getting late. any thoughts or advice is appreciated!
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Considering the condition of the prospective mother, legal help regarding paternity would be my first consideration. Then, effectively, any further communication can be directed to his legal representative. Pretty simple boundary establishment. Have you sought MC for your marital issues? You seem to be focusing mostly on the OW, but the real issues reside right at home. Other than legal paternity, she's irrelevant, right? Your husband sounds like a "path of least resistance" guy. How did you find out about the A?
Author scurvy Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 Yeah i thought about the talk to my lawyer as a good boundry setter, but didn't want to be cold, but now things are obviously getting critical. we are in the process of relocating and may seek MC once we get settled. but then again maybe we can't afford to wait anylonger = He's not necessarily the path of least resistance but hes not proactive either. He really dosen't want to treat her bad and i think he is affraid that if he cuts off all communication she will get really nasty and possibly crazy. which are ligitimate fears and i am trying to consider all angles not just my own. But i think it is time for me to make that ultimatum. thank you for your input
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 If you already have legal help, good on ya. The money you spend will pay off in spades down the road, in many ways. I love the way lawyers can present all the options and scenarios, legal and not, for consideration. Worth every nickel, dime and dollar. MC is portable. Not the therapist, but the process. Even if you do wait, is he willing? I know, for myself, there came a point where I was willing and open; that's so critical to the process working. Regarding the OW, I see this; if she wants something from him, she'll come to him after the child is born and paternity is positively established. It sounds like nothing good is going to be going down her karma track so, other than establishing the legal end of paternity (which I presume she'll attempt anyway), there's really no reason to stay in touch with her at least until she gives birth. I don't get the impression that he can "befriend" her to smooth the process, if you know what I mean. So, IMO, strict NC would be what I'd do under your particular circumstances. Lack of a silence sandwich won't make her less brutal when the time comes, if your description is any guide. When you relocate, will you be farther away or closer to the OW?
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 (edited) You might want to consider a legal separation and petitioning for child support for your own kids (if you have them with this guy). Whoever petitions for child support first gets the lion's share. If she proves it's his kid she WILL be entitled to child support - wouldn't you rather be getting the lion's share for YOUR kids rather than her getting it for his illegitimate one? I think you're giving him far too much credit - you act as though he's this innocent guy who tripped and fell and accidentally slipped his d*ck into this dumpster to break his fall. I don't think for one SECOND you're getting the whole story from him. He's only told you what he absolutely HAS to. You keep asking how she's gotten so familiar with him and how she feels she can take such liberties by proclaiming her love for him like they've been a couple for so long or something. You should ask him - I'll bet he knows a little more than he's telling you. But he'll just lie to you again like he's been doing since the beginning. The real truth will eventually trickle out..it usually does. Guard your heart - you haven't nearly heard the whole truth yet. Edited March 29, 2008 by ICallsEmAsISeesEm
Love is Tragic Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 What a mess.. If my H knocked up some random woman, i would divorce him in a snap, i wouldnt even let myself get involved in his drama. The woman sounds like a total nutcase-i hope to god for all of you that she is not carrying your H's baby. Disaster! In my opinion, you are being entirely too nice in this whole situation. I would have him cut off all contact with this woman until a DNA test can be taken on the baby.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You say this: Not to make excuses for my husband But then you spend much of the rest of the post saying this: She claims she is pregnant with his child. He is not convinced it is his due to her past and present life style.... but anyway...she has several kids from several men whom supposedly she has tried to "trap"...She also has tried to get him to sign some papers supposedly to "waive child support"... (he is prepared to be a father to this child if its his, but expresses great remorse that she will be the mother and he will always be in our lives)..And i try to understand i feel for her situation but as they say she mader her bed..... and this is not the first time she has been in similar situation... how the bleep is he gonna let this tramp keep talking to him like that callin him baby and sh^t. Then i love u. are u kidding me. you barely even know the dude...I know her well enough to know that this is mostly her own thing and not my husband carrying on a relationship with her. You're going to have to decide which side of the fence to be on as your tendency seems to be to blame her and give your H a free pass. It's hard for her to have a conversation with him if he doesn't respond or participate. I feel for you - this will probably get a lot harder before it's over... Mr. Lucky
norajane Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Are you sure you want to be married to this man? Have you given that a lot of consideration? If you are certain, then you need to be 100% clear with him what your expectations are regarding the OW and what you want him to do. If you need him to set clear boundaries with her, tell him what boundaries would make you comfortable. Maybe you would like him to cut contact until she gives birth and paternity is proven through a DNA test. Maybe you are ok with him talking to her, but only when you are also in the room with him - he can let her calls go to voice mail and call her back only when he is with you. Maybe you need him to tell her specifically not to call him baby, and not to call him when she is boooooored, and not to call him unless it's to discuss something about the pregnancy. Whatever it is you need, spell it out for him, and then make sure you are present when he spells it out to her. As for her, there really isn't anything you can do about her actions. But your husband can refuse to see her and refuse her calls if she crosses the boundaries as laid out. If she starts behaving erratically, you can get a restraining order to keep her away from you and your house (and your children if you have any). Talk to an attorney about rights and responsibilities as far as the child is concerned. You need to be prepared and fully informed of what to do to establish whether your husband is the father, and what to expect if he is. But before all of that, you need to really be certain whether you can stay in this marriage and if that is the right choice for you.
IpAncA Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Lawyer, DNA test, boundries, MC, etc... What a mess and I'd kick my H out if he did what yours did. But hey, that's just me.
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