4givrnt4gtr Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Is it normal to be so busy that you dont realize you havent seen your SO for almost a week? My bf tends to be hyperfocused on whaterver he gets himself into. He's been working almost 12 hours every day. I have not seen him since monday and I was hoping he would ask me to see him sometime this weekend. Yet when i asked him what he would be doing he told me he had a game and probably hanging out with his friends on saturday and afterwards work. Then he would be going to see his family Sunday. No hint about wanting to see me. I was very sad about this... After a bit I asked him when he would have time to see me, and he said he had thought about today but he also had to work. He then mention tomorrow but then said that with the game he would probably end up just going out to for a few drinks with his team afterwards. He then asked me if I was available on Sunday so that he would come earlier from his family to see me. Im just so sad that I had to bassically push for a little time with him. He does call me every day. Makes it a point to do so....I guess I just miss him so much and I hate not knowing when Im gonna see him next, yet it seems like he doesnt even notice he hasnt seen me in a few days... Is this a case of him being so busy that times just flies and since Im not I notice it more? Or more a case of him not caring as much as I do?
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Life is about choices. Each action is preceded by a choice. I think your last instinct is the correct one. My friends and family have never come before my wife, even now with some marital issues. She always comes first, or at least equal to my needs. As our psychologist put it "news flash- everyone works, has bills, has friends, has problems. You're not special" My wife tended to use her work as a reason for being too tired or otherwise occupied to attend to our relationship, so I sought outside emotional attachments to compensate; not healthy. Tell him what you want to feel like you're not being neglected; be reasonable. His choice. Someone who loves you will attempt to meet your reasonable wants.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 My friends and family have never come before my wife, even now with some marital issues. Has she ALWAYS come first? as in even before you marry her? Sometimes I wish I did come before a lot of things...but then, I also understand that he has stronger, longer ties with some of his friends and obviously his family. I cannot ask him to put me before his parents, just as I cannot put him before mine. But I do wish he would miss me enough to want to see me more than when its "convenient"...does that make sense? Im not even sure....
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Has she ALWAYS come first? as in even before you marry her? Yes, once we were engaged, she did. My mom, who is my only living relative, was low-maintenance, so it wasn't an issue. Unfortunately, my wife often put more stock in her friend's and family's opinions of things, including our marriage, which is why things aren't going good right now. Sound familiar? Our psychologist termed the importance of the "team", as in "our team". Others are important, but the health of our team is central to our marriage. My main issue was I was a "wimp". Too emotional and not male enough. Therapy is fixing that Can you envision putting your spouse before your family? There will come a day, sooner than you think. Families tend to have opinions about current and prospective spouses. I know a lot of relationships with issues because of this. Putting your spouse first doesn't mean you no longer love your family/friends; it just means your spouse takes precedence and receives a different kind of love and attention and importance in your life. It may not be the case while casually dating, obviously, but knowing one's philosophy on the issue was and is still important to me. YMMV, of course
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I really don't beleive that anyone is too busy. It's a matter of priorities, we all do things that we passionately want to do. I have a friend that is now married and when she first started dating her husband he was so busy that he constantly worked 14 hour days. However he still saw her EVERY day. She said that he would sometimes be so tired he would fall asleep during their time together - yet he still saw her. They now have a great marriage. Point is, you are obviously not your guy's priority and you have been together long enough for you to be - think about it, no matter what else is gonig on in your life, you would find time to see him more than once a week. We women are great at making excuses for BFs but it's been obvious to me from your previous posts that your interest/investment in your realtionship way exceeds your BFs.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 I really don't beleive that anyone is too busy. It's a matter of priorities, we all do things that we passionately want to do. I have a friend that is now married and when she first started dating her husband he was so busy that he constantly worked 14 hour days. However he still saw her EVERY day. She said that he would sometimes be so tired he would fall asleep during their time together - yet he still saw her. They now have a great marriage. Point is, you are obviously not your guy's priority and you have been together long enough for you to be - think about it, no matter what else is gonig on in your life, you would find time to see him more than once a week. We women are great at making excuses for BFs but it's been obvious to me from your previous posts that your interest/investment in your realtionship way exceeds your BFs. As sad as it may be, Ive often felt the same. Yet, its not so white or black you know? There are times when he would randomly drive out to see me, just because, not even planning it. Or when I ask him to do/change something he makes the effort to do so. So its very hard for me to just dismiss him, because I know its hard for him. (We've had a conversation about his issues with women, I think i posted about it here). In any case, I really dont want to feel like number 5 for him, behind work, family his sport and sometimes even his friends. But im still not sure what to do. Sometimes I feel like turning the tables and see how he reacts, if he finally would understand where im coming from. I feel like ive made it too easy for him to take me for granted...but im not sure. I guess it would be my last attempt at make him see how it makes me feel when Im the last thing he thinks about when "planning" his schedule.
sedona Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 One thing my last bf told me is that he worried about how much time he'd have to give me. On a typical day, he gets up at 5:30 and works until 3 pm, then he works out, walks his dog for 1.5 hours. He cleans his house (!), makes dinner, etc. By the time he finishes all that, then it's 8pm. then he wanted to relax in front of the TV at home and get in bed before 10pm. He said that the LAST thing he then wanted to do was drive over to my house (a 20 minute drive) to have a cup of coffee with me. Such a hurtful thing to say to someone who loves you. When things were great between us, then he was never too busy.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 One thing my last bf told me is that he worried about how much time he'd have to give me. On a typical day, he gets up at 5:30 and works until 3 pm, then he works out, walks his dog for 1.5 hours. He cleans his house (!), makes dinner, etc. By the time he finishes all that, then it's 8pm. then he wanted to relax in front of the TV at home and get in bed before 10pm. He said that the LAST thing he then wanted to do was drive over to my house (a 20 minute drive) to have a cup of coffee with me. Such a hurtful thing to say to someone who loves you. When things were great between us, then he was never too busy. Wow....now THAT i wouldnt wonder about.... See, i dont deny my bf is busy with REAL stuff...he goes to work from 9am til 9 pm every day, get home at around 930-10 and watches a bit of tv and goes to bed. I was talking to my mom about this, and she says my problem is that Im putting him before anything else instead of going off to live my life. Bassically having a life instead of him being the center of it. Once i do that, I wont resent the fact that he has a life that goes beyond me.
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 So, what does your mother think about your dad being distant and unavailable because of his "commitments"? Oh, you mean he makes time for her? Right Or, better, she's divorced.... I'm hearing your issues are about lack of "hints", as in a lack of an active effort to find ways to make you feel valued even when BF is busy. Newsflash: Everyone is busy. Every minute of every day we make personal choices about where we direct our attention. You require a minute of his time to feel valued. If he truly loves you, he'll give you that time. I often have told me wife that she'd be amazed at the things she'd get done if she only got up an hour earlier in the morning. Like sex
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 (edited) So, what does your mother think about your dad being distant and unavailable because of his "commitments"? Oh, you mean he makes time for her? Right Or, better, she's divorced.... I'm hearing your issues are about lack of "hints", as in a lack of an active effort to find ways to make you feel valued even when BF is busy. Newsflash: Everyone is busy. Every minute of every day we make personal choices about where we direct our attention. You require a minute of his time to feel valued. If he truly loves you, he'll give you that time. I often have told me wife that she'd be amazed at the things she'd get done if she only got up an hour earlier in the morning. Like sex Well, this is how the conversation with my mom went Me: *** hasnt noticed he hasnt seen me in a while Mom: *worried face* hm...see? thats why you need to live your life. Maybe you are wasting time on someone who isnt worth it. Are you sad because of this? Me: Im worried, I dont know what to do *verge of tears* Mom: You need to focus on your life, go out with your friends, study ...when was the last time you talk to him? Me: Last night...actually he calls me every day. Mom: Um....when was the last time you saw him? Me: Monday.... Mom: *rolling her eyes at me* You havent seen him since monday, but you've talked to him every day....didnt you tell me he has been working almost 12 hours? I thought that by "a while" you meant since last week or so! 4giv, people have their own lives, just like you should have yours. Now if he had not contact you, and had not seen you for an 'ACTUAL" while...then i would say move on...but I think you're exaggerating a bit... Me: No...I saw him Monday...and Sunday...and Saturday...(now feeling reaaalllly stupid) Mom: go make breakfast Mother's know best??? Edited March 29, 2008 by 4givrnt4gtr
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Well, since you put it that way Seriously, good perspective adjustment. Can I ask you a question? Do you think, if you aren't in constant contact with him, the "feeling" will go away? Why?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 Well, since you put it that way Seriously, good perspective adjustment. Can I ask you a question? Do you think, if you aren't in constant contact with him, the "feeling" will go away? Why? What do you mean by "feeling''? as in my liking of him? If thats what you mean, no...i think its more like, I miss him a lot...i want to be with him and unfortunately i cant just go see him at the drop of a dime since we live 30 min away. (I mean, i could but that would be impractical) Now if you mean his feelings for me? I dont know. See, maybe its because Im conditioned to the fairytale, where when you meet someone you would want to be with them 24/7 rain or shine, work or no work, tired exhausted, yet pull energy where there's none to be with that person. Thats how I operate. Often though, Ive been told most men dont operate that way. And thats something thats ive been struggling with. When Im with him im 100% sure he loves me , its quite obvious by how he treats me, the way he looks at me, the fact that he introduced me to his very strict family (only girl he's ever brought home!). But when he says he hasnt noticed that five days have gone by without us meeting up makes me wonder. And then someone like my mom, my best friend, or even people here in LS smack sense into me and tell me life isnt a fairytale and he isnt prince charming. he's just a guy who, as many guys struggle with this whole relationship thing.... If i totally miss your question...let me know
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 We all struggle. Think of it as a piece of you which is missing when he is away from you. I'm not sure he feels the same way. I do, but I'm wired differently than most men. Perhaps, if he associates you with pleasant thoughts and feelings, he becomes more attached, but overstimulation pushes him away. Unfortunately, I can't see the relationship through his eyes After some quiet time, why not talk to him about how he feels? I have no problem talking about such things. My problem is I never get asked
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 At the very least, you and your BF are fundamentally uncompatible. You crave more communication and time together, he doesn't. Add to that all the cultural differences and the fact that he highly values his family and their opinions, I don't think the chances for "happily ever after" are all that great. P.S. Did you ever find out what his mum thought of you?
Lizzie60 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I didn't read the thread.. but to answer your original post.. if he was head over heels for you.. you would be his priority.. not his buddies and family.... I'm sorry but he's not that into you.. simple. I am amazed to see all those threads of women who ask, over and over : He doesn't make time for me.. He hasn't called... He's been seeing his ex.. He's been texting this girl... He was seen in a bar with another girl.. Does he love me.. etc.. etc... Geez... women.. get a back bone.. and DO NOT allow these jerks to treat you like that.. move on... I feel that until women become much more indepenant and assertive.. men will always treat them like they are nothing. ... and women will always ask themselves.. 'what should I do?' ... 'should I let him abuse me more?' 'should I just wait until he dumps me?' ... 'should I let him walk all over me another year or two?... 'should I close my eyes if he cheats on me?'... 'should I pretend that I don't know about his affair?'.. and the list goes on..
gonetildecember Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 What do you mean by "feeling''? as in my liking of him? If thats what you mean, no...i think its more like, I miss him a lot...i want to be with him and unfortunately i cant just go see him at the drop of a dime since we live 30 min away. (I mean, i could but that would be impractical) Now if you mean his feelings for me? I dont know. See, maybe its because Im conditioned to the fairytale, where when you meet someone you would want to be with them 24/7 rain or shine, work or no work, tired exhausted, yet pull energy where there's none to be with that person. Thats how I operate. Often though, Ive been told most men dont operate that way. And thats something thats ive been struggling with. When Im with him im 100% sure he loves me , its quite obvious by how he treats me, the way he looks at me, the fact that he introduced me to his very strict family (only girl he's ever brought home!). But when he says he hasnt noticed that five days have gone by without us meeting up makes me wonder. And then someone like my mom, my best friend, or even people here in LS smack sense into me and tell me life isnt a fairytale and he isnt prince charming. he's just a guy who, as many guys struggle with this whole relationship thing.... If i totally miss your question...let me know I too go thru that feeling that the "feelins" will go away.. so i know what u mean. Not my feelings, because I'm extremely happy. But sometimes I feel like, well if he really missed me or loved me(we live 2hrs apart), he wouldn't not call or only talk to me for ten minutes in a day. I don't know if thats a normal feeling or if its because of the distance or my last relationship (my cheating ex) but it really does bug me sometimes I must admit. This weekend for example, my bf went out with friends thursday for a bday celebration.. last night with another group of friends and then today went to a friends house with his roomies to watch movies.. Since tuesday I've talked to him for a total of maybe 15 minutes a day, with the exception of today where it was like an hour but we were both really grumpy.. and i dunno it upset me that he didnt take more time to talk to me because he missed me (we arent seeing each other for another 2 weeks) He spent the past two weekends with me and we had a great time, but tonight i just got annoyed because i wanted some ME time after him being unavailable practically all week.. so i feel u. I do see how you could get upset of him being too busy... it does happen tho with me and with exams and all that. Let me tell you tho that your Moms advice was good, when you're living your life and out with friends and doing things that you love.. the time goes by a lot faster...and supposedly that makes him wanna come around more because he see's you're "in demand".
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Add to that all the cultural differences and the fact that he highly values his family and their opinions, I have no problems with this at all. In fact I admire his respect for his family. P.S. Did you ever find out what his mum thought of you? yeah, he told me she liked me, and in fact gave him some snack i had said I liked so he would give it to me.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I didn't read the thread.. There was more to my original post....
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 So after all this, reading your responses, and just thinking, i got myself the "why men love bitches" book. Ive heard alot about that one.... Well i read about half of it in 2 hours....I am being described to a T in that book....(and not exactly as a bitch) and thats quite sad.... Well here's to my new resolution to be a sweet Georgia peach...with a strong pit. Im done getting walked all over, Im done making excuses....I know he is a good guy, he's proved it....but Ive made it waaaay too easy for him to take me for grant it. Time to grow a backbone. .............now......any ideas as to how????
Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 .............now......any ideas as to how???? First, finish the book. Then go get the follow-up, "Why Men MARRY Bitches." Finish that one too, and then see if you have any more questions...
Ariadne Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 So after all this, reading your responses, and just thinking, i got myself the "why men love bitches" book. Ive heard alot about that one..... The girls in that book are not bitches at all. Only in the title. Say, if a guy says he is going to pick you up at 6pm and he doesn't because he forgets/went with friends/didn't call, don't put up with that. That a btch! Wth?!! If a guy asks you to go to a boxing match and you don't like it because it's violent, tell him no. That a btch! Ugh?!?
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I have no problems with this at all. In fact I admire his respect for his family. I know that you do. But is he OK with your cultural differences, I mean really deep down OK not just politely saying that it doesn't matter? I think that you must face the fact here that he not as head over heels for you as you might like (whatever his reasons are).
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