Easydoesit Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Hi ....I am new here...and I am trying to gain some perspective...I am dealing with a breakup..that happened 7 months ago. He has a new girlfriend, but still contacts me. I did end the relationship. He was a very jealous person....and wanted all of my time...to where I compromised alot of the things...I loved....I have gotten some help through therapy...and even though we have not been together...we have been in contact...at first, I begged, pleaded...cried...did all of the unattractive things...that, a person does, when they realize, that they love this person, know there are problems...but, the other person..is too hurt to see through the anger. He has a girlfriend....which he has every right to move on...He knows where I stand...that I wanted to try again..and make this work....Games, have been his way of punishing ..me for ending it....Before the first of the year, I told him..that I needed to let this go.....and move on...that since he was with someone else now, I needed to see that for what it is... It was 3 weeks after that....he made contact....I do not know what to make of this....He started seeing someone else...right away...and his sister said, that he has not moved on...from me....but he is angry...I have let him be....I have replied to emls...wanting my things...back, that he still has....I have yet to recieve any of them....I changed my cell phone, because he has played games....passive-aggressive...behavior...doesnt want me, but doesnt want anyone else to have me either....He is angry that I changed my phone....I did it for myself....to start letting go..for good...I found myself...waiting for his contact.... Too me, if his over me...then why does he still make contact...? If he is involved...then why not leave me alone....I dont get this....I need a guys perspective....I do love him...and miss him...and wonder what exactly is his behavior saying...I know there is no crystal ball here...but just wanted some thoughts... Thankyou in advance......
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Are dramatic relationships a pattern for you? You can't help how you feel but you can think through it to perform actions which will heel your emotional center. It sounds like you're already on that path. I realize no one has all negative aspects, so the first step is IMO is to acknowledge the good things you gave up when you ended the relationship and grieve those, mindful of the reasons you had for ending it. Going through the process will help you reach a healthy indifference to him. No contact with him is paramount, even to the point of not reading his e-mails/texts or listening to VM's. I'm constantly amazed at the power some men have over women, even with obvious bad behavior/jealousy, etc. I've seen it a lot over the years with my female friends. They must be experts at engaging and manipulating emotion, as so oft discussed here, and do so dispassionately, truly the opposite of love. One day at a time and take care of yourself. You're numero uno now
Takn4Granted Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Ok, let me get this straight...you sound like you want him back????If that is correct keep reading.................you want him back, but you have done everything and given the impression, to him, that you don't want anything to do with him. If you want him back, sit down and talk to him...men aren't mindreaders.
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 More drama. Oy! OK, I'll bite. What were the "problems"? Let me guess....he was jealous, but flirted with other women. He was a passive-aggressive control freak. That said, he engaged your emotions and stimulated your oxytocin. He was a rollercoaster in levi's. If you really want him back, IMO the first thing you should do is write down a list of "why's", then bring it right here to LS. Inquiring minds.
Author Easydoesit Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 It have gotten to the point, that I can look at the good, memories, that we shared....I have sat down, and done all of the pros, and cons...and it comes out even....I believe that if both people are willing to put forth the effort....anything is possible...I have tried...over and over...to ask him to talk with me....about this. Not to change the outcome, I learned early on, that I cant control his actions....I can only work on mine....I made sure, that early on...I could not just start the dating scene...without working through this. Bringing this into a new relationship...would serve no purpose..so that has been my focus...His choice was different....he went right into a relationship....with someone else...Yes, he was jealous....controling....but, we still had great chemistry...and alot of fun...together.....until the resentment started....like so many others,,,we let the resentment cement itself...into the relationship....I would look at this again...if he was willing to accept responsibility for his parts...it takes 2 people...I have taken full accountability for me...and my behaviors...that added to this..... My issue, now...is detaching...fully, :sick:when he is still making contact...You cant have it both ways....and if he is invested...as I said, in this new women, then why give mixed messages....? I would like to think, it is because he still cares...but that would be my ego talking.....I just wanted some thoughts....I have been led to believe that this was over....and I have moved forward.....and then he reappears....I would want this too work out...if it were possible...and he knows that....you cant make someone talk to you....he has had every chance...to put it out there.... Was wondering your thoughts....and I appreciate the kind words.....and to the person, who wrote about the levi's that is hillarious....we graduated in 77...he wore them back then...HA!!! Thanks to everyone....
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Heh, we're the same age (if you meant high school 77).... just remembering the bell bottom days LOL Jealous/controlling + contact = ego stroke He knows you had "chemistry" and plays on that. It will go on for decades if you allow it. Some men are just that way. My bet is he'll learn nothing and do exactly the same thing in his "new" relationship. Why? Because he can "I am who I am so take it or leave it".... couched in "oh, baby, you're the only one for me; there will never be anyone else like you
Author Easydoesit Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 I am hoping that I can stay the course...we have a long history...went together in High School, and college...got engaged, ended up marrying other people....got divorced...and were together almost 5 yrs....so, it is hard...I dont know, how he moved on to another so fast...for me, I wanted to heal first....but everyone does it on there own terms.....I just wish if he didnt care...he would leave me alone...I know I have to allow it...that is why I finally changed my cell phone...and spammed his emls...he has played with my heart....because I allowed it..I blame myself... I appreciate all of the advice...I wish....for all of this to be ok....to be at peace....I find myself feeling sorry for the poor girl he is seeing...she has no idea..that he has been in contact with me...so, I look at that for what it is too...did he do this to me? The whole time, he could not look at what the jealousy, and obsession over me, was doing to the relationship...and at the same time, accused me of always cheating on him....makes me wonder...what he was doing behind my back...I dont want to know...and I cant bring myself to even think about that....it serves no purpose... Thanks again...
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