Riz Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I hope someone can give me some advice or tell me about their experiences on this. Anyway here is my story I been with my girl friend for almost 2 years now, we have a very strong relationship and we always do things together. We also lived together. When I started the relationship with my partner I knew that after a year of being with her, she would have to go away to another country for a year as part of her course. We both were so in love and made so many plans for our future. We wanted to get married after completion of studies and when we were financially ok. We talked about having kids and the future looked good. We wanted the same things out of life... Anyway my gf left around 7 months ago to do her year abroad, I was sad to see her go and basically found it difficult because I was missing her constantly and I felt depressed all the time. I told her I would visit her for Christmas since that was the only time I had off and I knew she would be free during this time too. So I went to visit her and things were not the same. I noticed that she had changed in some way, and a bit distant. To make matters worse her parents were also visiting so I did not spend too much time with her alone. We then started having little argument over silly things, but we always made up and forgot about it later. I was also feeling depressed still, even though I was now with my girlfriend. I could not shake off the depression and even though I should have been totally happy I was feeling down at times but had no idea why. The last 2 days of my visit we were alone because her parents had left at this point to go home. We spend these 2 days together and no arguing. I was sad to leave and I actually cried in her arms because I was sad to be leaving and also I had felt bad because the 2 weeks that we spent together were not the best. My GF told me to focus on our future and that she would be back in a few months so everything will be ok. So I focused on this and I felt stronger when I returned back to the UK, I would keep in regular contact with my girlfriend and everything was ok, even my depression went. When Valentines day came she wished me a happy valentine and she said she loved me etc etc. AFTER a few days I called her and she was sounding strange, felt like I was speaking with someone else. She said her feelings have changed and she cant be with me anymore. I had no idea why she felt like this, after all it was only a few days ago she said she loved me, I was confused to say the least. I tried to find answers to why she felt like this, but all she was saying was that she was confused and that was it. Maybe I put pressure on her because I would log on to messenger and ask her about the break up, hoping she could give me some reasons and she usually made some excuse to go so she would not speak about it. She is still away at the moment, and comes back in 1 months time. I dont know what to do or say for her to reconsider her decision, I tell her we can work it out, take it slow, whatever it takes. But she is saying it cant be. She is not even back yet and she is thinking it cant work out. Inside I am hurting so bad, I still love her the same as before, nothing inside me has changed at all. I have been at home waiting for her for a year to get back and spent time feeling depressed and out of the blue she does not want to be with me and does not love me anymore? I even asked her if she has someone else over there and she said she has not. Anyway I am sitting tight right now and waiting for her to get back, maybe if she sees me and we talk about it all we can work it out who knows? Should I try and make her see sense? Give her time? Should I walk away? I dont know what to do and I need some advice because I am hurting so bad inside right now. Can we work this out? Is it even possible? If someone says they dont feel the same way anymore does that mean its over? After all if we were married and she said that her feelings had changed it would be councilling for us both, so we could work on it. So I am sure the same could apply...? Help!!
macon Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 You can't 'try and make her see sense' as you put it - she's made her decision and that's what she wants to do - you have to respect that. Just because you think you should be together, doesn't mean she should come round to your viewpoint. Her feelings have changed unfortunately, and she doesn't want to be with you anymore. I know that's really hard to hear, and very confusing since she said she loved you a few days before. Virtually exactly the same thing happened to me - I was away on holiday and my boyfriend was texting me as usual, even sent me a text telling me how he really wanted to commit to me (we had been talking about buying a house together) and how he would love me forever. When I got back he was suddenly distant - told me he wasn't sure about the relationship and needed time on his own to think. I was gobsmacked - it was as if he'd just changed into a totally different person overnight! He had always been the one who came out with the 'love you forever' type-stuff - I was always more reserved and cautious - so how ironic that he was the one who suddenly went from forever to nothing! But I've realised that alot of that is that he wasn't necessarily happy with himself - he may have been using our relationship as a crutch - in some way he needed it as a support and that overly-emotional 'I will love you forever' relationship to give himself some self-worth. Our relationship wasn't great all the time - I'd say 80% wonderful and then 20% awful, which I'd always found very hard to deal with. When he decided not to be with me anymore I was shocked and hurt and couldn't understand it - I wanted to know why, what had changed, why was he making this 'mistake' ... But you realise that it doesn't matter why. You don't need to understand her decision - in fact it may be impossible for her to explain - emotions are difficult things to quantify. The fact is she doesn't want to be with you anymore, and you know you wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn' feel the same about you. Right now you want her regardless of all that, but you actually deserve to be in an equal loving relationship - no other kind is healthy. So you have to accept her decision - it's going to be hard because this is the start of the break-up and you've got a lot of emotional fallout to deal with. It may take you months to heal. But this is life - you can't force someone to feel as you do. She may have once, but she doesn't now - you can't change that. Best to keep your self-respect and enable her to see you have self-respect. If you beg, or try and change her mind she will just lose respect for you, but more importantly you will lose it for yourself. And that's much much harder to deal with. Accept it - lean on your other friends and family to get through this tough time - you'll need support and you will get over this
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