So... my large break in NC... leading to a weird state of mind... Long...

[Prosecco]

Hadn't spoken to the ex in two weeks, was out shopping with a mutual friend when I get a text "Are we going to be seeing you tonight?". (We being a group of mates - they all went to a film, then out for drinks.) I thought I'd removed his number from my phone, but turns out it's in my sim, and can't seem to find a way to get rid of it. Fortunately it only means it recognises numbers, I can't locate it in the directory.

 

Anyway - After some thought I respond honestly, roughly along the lines of: No, I'm not going to be able to handle seeing you right now, I still need more time.

He responds saying that he'd hoped to be able to say goodbye before he went to the states for a few weeks.

 

So - after discussion with our friend, I agree to go. But get a makeover done for free at a makeup shop, and put a nice top on - so I at least look good, even if I know I'll feel like someone's given me food poisoning.

 

And it was weird. It was good to see him, but obviously for all the wrong reasons. It was... surprisingly easy to fake being cheerful with our friends. (But - I've always had a form of social anxiety, so habitually fake 'comfort' in social surroundings.)

 

So - time came to go home. He asked permission to walk me to the train station, I granted it. We talked a bit more - nothing really new - he reiterated how me loving him was a shock, said he'd missed me, talked a bit about his future plans. He commented how worried he was about the weight I'd lost, and gave me a cadbury's creme egg for easter/to help!

He asked me permission to send me a letter... I granted it. We hugged, I got my train, and headed home. I was hurting - but pleased at the progress - I thought the civil respect - accepting we both cared, but weren't getting back together... showed friendship in the future might work.

 

Next day, went to dinner with friends, and returned home to... 'the letter'.

He'd sent me an e-mail with an attachment.

The attachemnt was the letter: it was basically expressing caring thoughts, wanting the best for me, talking a bit about his feelings, where he stood emotionally now he's got his goal of America. Saying he'd been where I was, he respected my need for space etc. That he hoped we'd have friendship in the future so he could remember our relationship as something pure, rather than all the bitterness left of his past relationships.

Fine - sentiments all kind and good. But tone? - cold and patronising. It's probably the tone I'd adopt if offering advice to a distant cousin or something.

So - ouch number 1.

 

Ouch number 2 - the e-mail he sent covering it. It went on about how good that it had been so easy for us to spend time together, and how cool it all had been. He seemed to have changed from the most sensitive person I knew to... someone who just couldn't see. It wasn't easy - how the hell was it supposed to be? I was making an effort because I wanted some dignity, and didn't want to spoil the evening of my friends. I probably shouldn't have gone. For someone who claims to have 'been there' - he had no idea. So - ouch 2.

 

Ouch 3 - and the REAL kicker... he'd password protected the letter, and given the clue 'my favourite place to be kissed'. So - to get to this letter that turned out to be so damn cold and distant - I had to be reminded of something I'd never get to do again, a closeness I'd never have with him again.

I mean - seriously - how can someone with half a brain do that? How can someone who claims to care about you do soemthing as thoughtless, as tactless as that? How can someone whose had their own heart broken be as callous as that?

 

So... in one way I almost wanted to thank him. As well as ripping my heart out again... he made me angry. I finally had something other than pain to feel.

And he also made me realise another thing - the person I loved was sensitive and caring. Even when letting someone down, he did it gently. The person who sent me this e-mail... was not the person I loved. Maybe that person didn't and doesn't exist. That hurts in a different way... but at least now I know I'm not losing as much as I thought. I never had it.

 

So... I write him a quick e-mail - not dealing with the letter, not mentioning the stupid STUPID password game. Just saying - that it hadn't being easy seeing him, and that he shouldn't leap to that assumption just because it was easy for him.

 

I get a one line apology - admitting that he was insensitive and selfish and that he was really sorry. And that we clearly need more time.

 

So... I start to decide again about moving on, getting on. A few days later... I get a text from the states: 'Boo!'. Exactly the same sodding text that he used to send when we were first dating, and I was in France and he was thinking about me and missing me.

 

So. I thought I was doing well. I got hurt.

And now I'm worried if my ex has gone mad - to change so suddenly from... someone who clearly cared, but had made a serious decision that it wasn't right for us to go out at this stage in our lives... to someone who has no consideration for another's feelings, and can go straight from serious relationship to acting as though we've been nothing but mates.

 

Bah. I go from feeling absolutely nothing at all - jsut sad at how deluded I was... to being angry that he could change so much... to wondering if we can be friends if he can understand me so little after six months... to wondering whether anything is worth the effort.

 

Gah!

[macon]

Breaking up is a roller coaster - your emotions are going to change all the time. One minute you feel like you could be friends because you shared something really special - I mean, where does the love go? - and the next you're angry and want to hurt them.

 

As long as you maintain the constancy of choosing that it's over, i.e. you wouldn't go back to them, you don't see them etc. - then the yo-yoing will be under control and eventually your emotions will catch up with your head. At that point you might even be able to be friends - but who knows how far in the future that will be! When you've been hurt deeply it's pretty difficult - my ex is currently texting me in this friendly-as-if-we-were-never-almost-married way - as if I'm the only one who felt as much as I thought we both did! But it doesn't matter - I cope with it by not letting him know how my emotions are still doing flip-flops after 8 months, and by keeping my sanity knowing I will not allow myself to go back to him, even for a moment. Listening to other people's problems here also kind of puts mine in perspective! The advice you give reminds you of the advice you need to take yourself - and I know by being strong and focusing on me I'm going to survive all this with more self-esteem than I had when I was with him. And that should make me a happier person!

[Prosecco]

Damn- if ONLY I'd had a choice in this matter. I'm at the stage where till the insensitivity of the password, I'd have taken him back without a question. Now I'd take back after a question.

 

But I know - I have to be strong. My current decision now is how I respond to his letter (again ignoring the password, as I've decided that was a moment of madness on his part, as he's NOT a cruel bastard! )

 

1) Thank him for the sentiments, say I wont be seeing him for some time, hopefully we'll be able to be friends again before he moves to the states for good, but there are no guarantees. (If I did this, the prospect of anything more than a vague acquaintanceship even in the future would be unlikely, as there would still be white lies between us.)

 

2) Explain how his letter has made me realise how little we really knew each other despite being together so much - and that if we're to be friends - it'll be starting from complete scratch, as comparitive strangers. Again - will take time - but will not have comfortable lies in the way.

BUT - he might think I'm saying he didn't care, and resent it, or he might get my point - if we didn't understand each other then - do we have any hope as friends?

 

3) Just send a message through a friend saying we can't be friends, and only see him when our mutual friends get together, and treat each other as people we vaguely recognise, nothing more. I know this will hurt him a lot.

 

But that said - all will hurt him.

Meh - it's so weird. I believe friendship more precious than any relationship - and good friends hard to find. Losing a friend is... to me... almost a harder decision than losing a relationship.

[macon]

"Damn- if ONLY I'd had a choice in this matter. I'm at the stage where till the insensitivity of the password, I'd have taken him back without a question."

 

Sounds like you're still in the low-self-esteem phase where you'd happily take some back who's shown they don't care about you. If you take someone back who's treated you badly, they just learn that you don't respect yourself - and then they don't respect you either.

[macon]

"Damn- if ONLY I'd had a choice in this matter. I'm at the stage where till the insensitivity of the password, I'd have taken him back without a question."

 

Sounds like you're still in the low-self-esteem phase where you'd happily take some back who's shown they don't care about you. If you take someone back who's treated you badly, they just learn that you don't respect yourself - and then they don't respect you either.

 

Why do you have to respond to this letter again? You already did once didn't you, and then he apologised? Why do you want to keep the dialogue going?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Walk away while you still can let yourself. There is no need to send him any message at this point. It sounds like you are wanting a better 'ending' to this, but any further dialog will simply spiral down from here.

[Prosecco]

Self-esteem stage: I know he's an idiot for losing someone like me. I know I'm a catch (though God knows why no one wants to catch me - it seems like there's a drought of good men in London, as this is a worry of many of my girl friends! ) I also know - if someone has a dream and don't pursue it, it almost always leads to resentment. My previous ex got in the way of my acting, as I bowed to his jealousy. I resent... myself for allowing myself to bow to it.

This guy's dream is America - if he'd not accepted the job because of me - our relationship would have failed anyway - whether because he resented me, or resented himself. He saw that - and I'm seeing that.

 

Why I'd take him back? - because he didn't treat me badly, in fact, quite the opposite, and it's not like he didn't care. But he made a tough choice, and is sticking with it. I respect that. Part of his personality that I liked was the ability to make that kind of choice - not to be weak and hurt someone more in the end.

But ... I also recognise that if he came back now, before America - it would still be there. We wont ever be... as we were... till it's out of his system. And if he ever comes back from the States... I'd like to think I'll be long over him. (2-5 years is a long time...)

So - while I know I'd take him back right now - it would be out of weakness. It would be out of the belief, that even seeing him as he is now... he is one of the best guys I've ever met, and one of the few compatible with me. And it would be ignoring the great looming landmass hovering over my head to crush me in the future. So... maybe I wouldn't take him back - my head wouldn't. I just don't know if it could head butt my heart hard enough to stop it.

 

On the letter and a response. I responded to the e-mail cover note - the one that spoke of how easy it all was. And my response was more out of anger at his insensitivity. I... wouldn't want to leave things on that note.

The letter was more about other issues, and the future. I feel it deserves a response because ... he hasn't done anything to hurt me other than break up with me. I'm good friends with his best friends. My best girl friend is also a very good friend of his. Neither me nor him are 'bad' or in the wrong. I guess neither me nor him are in the right.

The response wouldn't be about getting him back - I've accepted that wont happen - it would be about... restating what I need to get over him, and stating what I need if we are ever to be friends. And trying to keep things... blame free - so that all our friends aren't caught up in this.

 

But ultimately - I don't need to respond to it. I DO need to pass him a message that lets him know that his plans to take me out to dinner in a couple of weeks are a little rushed, as are his plans for us to go back to watching House together. Basically - to let him know that I'm going NC again, and not to worry/try to contact me. But also that I bear him no ill will, and wish him well for the future.

 

Meh - I know I'm probably being stupid - you probably need to tell me a few more times.

I'm just not good at ending things on a bad note if... someone has genuinely done the right thing.

[macon]

You don't have to end it on a bad note - not responding to emotional emails is not making things sour, it's just accepting that that part of your relationship is over and so discussing or rehashing emotional issues just isn't appropriate. Your romantic relationship is over and you need time to get over that - so don't engage in any further discussion of romantic issues/emotions because that just extends the break-up period and doesn't help you. He's moving abroad - some people manage long distance relationships (I know I did for 4 years of living in the States although it wasn't easy!) but for whatever reason he's decided not to give that a go. That may be just very sensible/practical of him, or it may be an easy excuse to end things - there's no way to know and it doesn't matter.

 

Do don't end it on a bad note, but part of not being together any more is him realising you are no longer there for certain things - you can't maintain the closeness you had as partners without an unreasonable emotional investment on your part. You need to move on as you know - so just be friendly but firm about it.

[Prosecco]

He's moving abroad - some people manage long distance relationships (I know I did for 4 years of living in the States although it wasn't easy!) but for whatever reason he's decided not to give that a go.

 

He was cheated on in a long distance relationship, and vowed never to do it again. That and... it would have a chance if I were considering a move to the states in a few years, or he was considering his move to the states as temporary... but London's in my blood - I can't leave it for more than a year or so. And he wants to view his move to the States as permanent.

 

Yeah - you're right. I've got a week till he's back in the country. I'll use that time to clear my head a bit to try to write something friendly but firm. Then he'll get back, read it, and I'll know I wont have to worry about him calling to arrange to meet up etc.

It'll be hard, as there are obviously issues I want to talk about, but can't any more. *sigh*

[datingmum]

I know I'm a catch (though God knows why no one wants to catch me - it seems like there's a drought of good men in London, as this is a worry of many of my girl friends! )

 

oh my god, google guardian soulmates and do a search of London!!! Us girls up North bemoan the fact that all the men are in London!!! Seriously, pm me and tell me what you think! There are some real hotties on there and it's 'acceptable' considering everyone on there reads the guardian - thus fairly liberal, laid back I'd imagine - or so they seem.

 

This guy's dream is America - if he'd not accepted the job because of me - our relationship would have failed anyway - whether because he resented me, or resented himself. He saw that - and I'm seeing that.

 

The poor deluded soul. I've been in the UK for 11 years now, preferring this place to the States, where I grew up. Many people think that moving there/working there is going to be the answer to life's many questions. What they find are confused political systems, terrible medical bills, an average 60 hour work week, no holiday time etc. It's just like anywhere else. I see alot of people in their early 20s here in the UK dreaming of the states, or india, or australia. It's funny how many come back after a year or two with a different perspective - there's no place like home. I guess I feel the UK is my home now!

 

 

I think you are right in taking this time to think/write/ etc. until he gets back. I'd be more than happy to email you privately, but I'm sure we'd all like to see what you write to him, how you handle it, what happens....

 

Perhaps you'll decide in the end that you should go to dinner and after some assessment and good times, throw in the conversation. I'm sort of a believer that those sorts of conversations should be had face-to-face otherwise we never know the real truth. That is real closure, when you can sit in front of the scary one and say what you think/feel with no censure and listen to their response without screaming/shouting/crying/running away etc You won't magically feel a little light switch go off in your heart, but you will share a moment of goodbye together that anchors the end.

 

Or maybe I'm just full of sh*t

[Prosecco]

heh - I honestly think there are just far too many gorgeous women on this planet! Still - come down to London - aside from the same rubbishy men as everywhere else, it IS the best place in the world.

 

Oh - I know that dreams are often not what you imagine. But if you don't pursue them - you'll never realise this. I used to want to work in the states, and envied my sister her dual nationality... but then I realised that London is the home of my heart. I love travelling from it - but it's where I'll always come home to. It might sound insane, but... I think it's part of the reason I am only partly broken, rather than destroyed - because I can always just take a walk around London, stroll across Waterloo Bridge, and love the town, know it loves me... and know I'm not alone. (Ok - I AM a nutcase! )

 

I'll either post something here, or message you privately. It depends on how silly I know I'm being. I don't want to get TOO told off.

 

*graaaah I love you lot* *tackle pounce hugs all of the board*