shanny Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Ok... one more thing that I need advice on. Thank you to all who have responded to my posts. So my bf's exwife (actually still officially his wife, but anyway) has been out of the country for the past week and he has been staying at her place and taking care of the kids. She is expected to be back at like midnight on Sunday. I want him to come home to me as soon as she's back, but he keeps saying that if he's tired and she comes home late he will just stay there. He has been sleeping in her bed all week. Now he cheated on me once with her in the first few weeks of our relationship (we've been together for 10 months) and has had a relationship with her that makes me uncomfortable. I have made it clear to him that based on the history, I can't approve of him staying with her. He's making it sound like no big deal. He's been sleeping in her bed all week so what's gonna stop him when she gets home? Another thing is that she is visiting the country that they met in 20 years ago. I'm sure there will be a lot of reminising (sp?) and stuff. I just can't deal with this! The last time he stayed over at her place was on Christmas Eve because his kids wanted him to. He slept on the couch but two days later his ex texted me and told me that they had sex. I confronted him and he swore it wasn't true and that she was just being a b*tch to me because she wants him back. Everytime I bring this up he gets really mad at me and tells me that I'm being ridiculous. This i eating me up. I guess I'll know what happens on Sunday. Any thoughts? Am I being out of line or is he?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 The relationship you are having with him sounds like an exercise in futility. While he may be separated physically, it doesn't sound like he is quite separated emotionally. He still sees his family as a unit, and still sees his ex in a comfortable and sexual way, apparently and there isn't much anyone can do to make a man stop doing that if that is what he wants for himself.
Author shanny Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Thanks Lucrezia... so why is he wasting his time with me then? I don't get it.
2sunny Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Thanks Lucrezia... so why is he wasting his time with me then? I don't get it. because you are allowing him to waste your time... simple as that.
SeraBella Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Thanks Lucrezia... so why is he wasting his time with me then? I don't get it. I don't get why you're wasting your time with him. I am sure there is a lot we don't see, but from other posts it seems kind of miserable to deal with. Has he ever told you why he and his wife divorced?
Lizzie60 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 This is a tough one.. I think that if he'd want to have her again.. this would be sooo easy for him since he said that she wants him back and she texted you just to be 'bi*chy'. Even if they had sex.. (let's suppose they had) why the need to text you the next day.. this is dumb.. I don't think he loves her anymore.. he just don't want to look like a jerk in front of the kids.. and if the kids ask him to stay, he will feel oblige to .. and since they seem to be in good terms.. then the kids come first... which is fair in a way (not all the time, but I would see X-mas eve as important for the kids).. Anyway.. if I were you.. I wouldn't worry too much.. I think she's just showing that bi*chy side.. but the truth is.. if she wanted him back so much and HE would be interested.. they would be back.. Don't show him or her that it bothers you.. just ignore it for a while.. be nice to him.. do not even mention it.. and see how it goes.. just wait and study his behavior.. I bet they are no longer in love.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Thanks Lucrezia... so why is he wasting his time with me then? I don't get it. Because you aren't his family unit. He has a certain need for them, and a certain need for you.
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Just a different brand of cake-eater What would happen if you said sayonara until the ink was dry on the divorce paper signatures? Where do the kids stay when he has custody/visitation? Where are you? How far is it from your/his place to the family homestead? IMO, he needs to set some clear boundaries for behavior with/from his ex and be more respectful to you.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 so why is he wasting his time with me then? I don't get it. The question is, why are YOU wasting your time with him? This guy is still legally married and obviously still involved both emotionally and sexually with his (ex)wife. How long have you been seeing him?
MimiMe Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 AND were you the reason of them not being separated?? If you are then! what can you expect!?? if you are not.... go find yourself a "SINGLE" guy that doesn't have kids and the ExW so he can be all yours and not have to sleep in his past lovers bed. I agree with everyone else. You are allowing this kind of behaviour, soon he'll go having another baby with her. LOL!
Author shanny Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 No, he did not leave her for me. They separated and we worked together at the time and we started dating a few month after. We've been together for 10 month now. And the thing is, he left her. I don't know why he can't let go of the attachment. They were married for 20 years and he say that I can't comprehend that. Of course I can't because I'm just 28 (he's 42). She looks at me like a freakin homewrecker, but I'm not When we started dating he told me that he left her and that it was over. Divorces take a long time and he said he didn't want to wait for it to be final because he would lose an opportunity with me. I just don't get it. I love him so much but he make me so miserable with the things he does. If I left I would be so heartbroken but maybe that's the only option.
whichwayisup Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I don't know why he can't let go of the attachment. They were married for 20 years and he say that I can't comprehend that. Exactly. He was married to her for 20 years, they have kids together. They built a life together. He will always feel something for her, and have a bond with her because of their kids. You're 28 years old and he is right, that is something you may not understand, or want to understand. He can't compare what he has had with his wife to what he has shared with you in the past 10 mionths. Also, his wife more than likely does think you are the reason why they aren't back together. They separated and then he started dating you. The thing is, before he separated, were you two close and having an emotional affair? Even if you or he weren't aware of it, chances are, whatever was building up between you two. For your own sanity, I would back off abit and shield your heart. This man is still married and it seems, from what his actions tell you as well as his words, he's still very much into his wife. It's better if YOU ended it because you're feeling hurt and fed up rather than him ending it because he wants to go back to his wife. Maybe some space is what you both need. Time apart so he can think about who he wants..Or maybe he should just be alone. He jumped out of a 20 year marriage straight into your arms...So yeah, he still has lingering feelings for his ex..
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Don't think of it as leaving, just as an extended vacation. If the two of you truly have an intimate connection, it will stand the test of time. Do you really think he's the right kind of man for you right now? I'm not hearing that. Once he clears his emotional and legal plate, he might very well be. In fact, your absence just might be the impetus he needs to sort his life out. If not, he'll just replace you and you'll have the answer without wasting your valuable young life on him. Doing the right thing is nearly always painful in these situations. I wish you strength
Author shanny Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 Thank you carhill for wishing me strength. I know it has to end but I don't know how to deal with it. We had another stupid fight last night and all I'm doing today is crying, punching pillows... just total agony. I have no idea how to get through this. Going out, getting my mind off it doesn't work. Then I just make a fool of myself crying in public.
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 You are dealing with it. This is how the process works. It's painful. Fear can be paralyzing. It's why so many of us stay in unhealthy relationships. Pushing through the fear, experiencing the pain and eventually finding peace on the other side is what makes the journey worthwhile.
nicki Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) Wow, well said, Carhill. That's so true about the fear. I am divorced and have dated separated men in the midst of a divorce. Of course it's hard for him to separate emotionally from his ex-wife because that causes his kids pain, but he is separated and needs to act separated. That means, no sleeping at his ex's house. It sends the wrong message to the kids and gives them hope that they will get back together. It's cruel, even if he doesn't recognize it. Yes, the ex wife blames you even though you started dating AFTER the separation. That happened to me, too. The ex-wife actually convinced my boyfriend to go to counseling with her. I warned him not to go because they were getting divorced and I smelled a rat. She and the counselor basically roped him into marital counseling and told him to get rid of me. The ex wife stated that she could get him back if I was out of the picture. It was a very hard situation for me. I saw things my boyfriend didn't. He didn't take the action necessary to act "divorced." Draw up a list of how divorced men (with kids) act. Share it with him. Tell him that you can only be with him if he is truly single and acts like it. Don't be fooled by the ex using the kids as pawns. The parents will always be parents, but they should not act like a married couple. He should not stay over night. He is still trying to please her. He needs to be in the emotional position of wanting to please YOU. That means he needs to have a backbone when dealing with the ex, as well as some firm boundaries. Until that happens, you need to back off. Believe me, it's a very painful thing to try to make someone change what you know they need to, but it's something that he needs to do because he is ready and wants to. All you can do is state what you want things to be like, what your expectations are for this relationship, and what the rules for both of you are. If he agrees, then you can move forward. If he can't agree to those terms, yet, you give him some space until he can. I'm sure he will come around, but it won't happen if you just act cool and let him continue to act in inappropriate ways. Your absence most likely will spur him to action. So backing away for a while may be the kindest thing to do for him. For me, I refuse to act in ways that support someone's dysfunction. I wouldn't go drinking with an alcoholic buddy. I wouldn't cover for a friend so she could cheat on her husband. And I wouldn't let my boyfriend sleep at his ex-wife's house (while she is there.) Would he let you camp out at your ex-boyfriends? It's all about the SHARED rules of behavior. Edited March 31, 2008 by nicki
Author shanny Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Thought I'd give you guys the conclusion to this story. He spent the night, insisting that he was asleep by the time she got home. He then stayed until 10:00 this morning supposedly talking about the kids and money. Whatever. He couldn't even honor my one wish of not staying there, and his excuse was that it would upset her and the kids. What about upsetting me? I am fighting a losing battle here. I'm a total idiot.
nicki Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Give yourself a break, you aren't an idiot. Far from it. He may have slept with her or not, you don't really know. Listen, my ex spends the night all the time at my house when I'm not there. His apartment is teeny tiny. It just works better for him to have visitation here. I don't spend the night here when he's here, but I suppose if I was coming in late or something from out of town, he might be sacked out on the couch....BUT, there's no way I would do that if I was involved in a relationship. It just looks wrong. And if my boyfriend asked me not to do that, I sure wouldn't, even though nothing would have happened. What worries me most about your situation is that he doesn't want to upset HER. I've been in this position before and you can't win. He is putting her first. He's a wuss. If he truly didn't want to upset the kids, why get divorced in the first place? The kids lives are going to change. He's going to feel like crap hurting them, but it's unavoidable.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 He couldn't even honor my one wish of not staying there, and his excuse was that it would upset her and the kids. What a pile of garbage. His kids are teenagers, they're not 5 years old. Don't they go to school? If it's the weekend, don't they sleep til noon? I highly doubt those kids threw themselves at his legs and held on tight, keeping him from leaving. BULL. He's already been out of the HOUSE for 10 months - I think they're USED to daddy not living in the house. Lying sack of sh*t. The hard truth is that YOU'RE his Plan B. He's still emotionally attached to his wife and family and I wouldn't doubt for a MINUTE that he's talked to her about reconciling and coming home. But should it not work out, he's got good old Shanny sitting there waiting to pick up the pieces and give him a soft place to land. How nice for HIM. I'd let his lying ass land in the gravel, myself. WTF is it with these whiney, helpless men who can't do anything for themselves and always have to have a woman wiping their asses for them? Tell this panty-waist you've got better things to do than be lied to, gaslighted, manipulated, and USED. What a LOSER.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 I am fighting a losing battle here. I'm a total idiot. Then end it. You're not an idiot, though if you choose to stay with him, that's idiotic. Yes, you have feelings for him, but this guy is playing you big time. Think about walking away and getting rid of this crap from your life. You deserve better and more...
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