Zeppelin456 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Hi, I just wanted to ask everyone's opinion on my craptacular situation. So, I broke up with my ex girlfriend "D" at the very beginning of 2006, didn't speak with her for a year or so and slowly started making contact again. I also began dating another girl, my current girlfriend "R", who I've now been going out with for a year and a half. My girlfriend is VERY unhappy about my communication with my ex, probalby rightfully so, but things have gotten ugly recently. I had promised R that I would quit talking to D due to R's insecurities. However, I went behind R's back and mailed D a letter while I was out on tour with my band and R was out of the country. That's pretty bad I believe but I also didn't like the feeling that R was somehow not ALLOWING me to talk to somebody. R recently found D's response to my "secret" letter and flipped out, probably rightfully so again. Now, she's making me delete all traces of R from my life and again, I feel a little choked. Now, I'm willing to admit that I am a total douchebag, if that's what you all tell me. But just tell me, is it ridiculous to want to try to maintain completely friendly and normal communication with an ex while dating someone else? Should I be automatically ceeding to R's demands? Help me out here!
curiousnycgirl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Personally I think R is being ridiculous. My b/fand I are both in touch with some of our ex's, and neither one of us has an issue with it (well he does, but won't admit it - it's sort of cute). The mistake you made was agreeing to stop all communication and then lying. Lying is never acceptable. So what to do now? Well you either put your foot down, tell R you will not eradicate D from your life (while reassuring her that it is over with D and it is R that you love) - or you agree to wipe D out of your life again. Only you can make that decision.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 You should have talked to your gf about her insecurities. Personally I believe that if you are happy with you're gf, and want to be with her, you should have respected her thoughts and feelings on the matter. With that, you now have made her insecurities worse by going behind her back. It's now a trust issue - don't make promises you can't keep - especially when it involves contact with an ex. She's probably wondering if you and your ex have something going on now.
Starla Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 i wonder if R's insecurity over D isn't a symptom of a wider problem? it is unfair i think, that she is making demands on you....but she wouldn't do this if she felt confident and safe within this relationship. if i were you, i'd make her feel secure in your love every single day - tell her, show her, go out of your way for her, cherish her ....but the fact that she knows now you lied to her and deceived her has no doubt pushed her further back into this insecurity she has. she will find it very difficult to have faith in your word again - once that has gone, it is a mountain to climb to get it back. but...you can try. and if you are serious about R, then forget about D. at least for now. work hard to get your relationship back on track and focus only on R. you let her down, you broke your word and behaved dishonorably. but you can start again - communicate, spend time together, shower her with kindness and make her feel loved and safe. and don't question her as to why she'd prefer you not to see D....when your relationship is truly back on track, and she feels happy, that won't even be an issue.
BlueHaiku Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 It's natural for someone to feel a bit insecure about a partner whowants to keep in touch with an ex. I felt this way once about a BFs ex GF. What you need to do is to reassure your gf that there is NO interest there, that it's just friendship. I also don't mean just saying "hey GF, I'm with you not her, so get over it." You need to put some serious feeling behind it, and you may have to repeat and reassure a lot for a while. This is what my BF did for me, and you know what? I got the message, and became good friends with the ex GF myself! It worked out perfectly. Try to be understanding of her fear, and go that extra distance to reassure her - and by all means don't get your back up about it or be offended or go on about how she doesn't trust you. She loves you and is scared, so help her feel better about it! If she's a reasonably mature person, she can learn to understand, like I did. This entire thing might be harder because of the fact that you went along with her, then said you wouldn't contact her, then were caught. But I wouldn't go ahead and irradicate her from your life. Instead, make her feel confident in your feelings for her.
Author Zeppelin456 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 You're all right. The truth is, I think she KNOWS there's nothing going on with D and myself but the fact is, she "wishes D didn't exist". She's insecure and yeah, I made my life a helluva lot worse by lying. However, the reason I lied was that I thought it was ridiculous to tell me that I wasn't allowed to talk to D in the first place. So it's like this self-perpetuating cycle in which I feel wronged, act out, get in trouble, etc etc. The truth of the matter is, R wanted to break up (or "take a break" or whatever) and I told her that I would cut off D again, to make her feel better. I don't think R feels good now but just kinda sick that she's allowing herself to get "walked on". Truth be told, I don't want to walk on her, I love her a lot and my intentions are only in the right place but I don't like being told what I'm ALLOWED to do and what I'm not ALLOWED to do. Other than this too, I think i've been a damn good boyfriend. I don't feel like I should spend the rest of my life in the doghouse for my one sin. Anyways, thanks for the advice.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 You're all right. The truth is, I think she KNOWS there's nothing going on with D and myself but the fact is, she "wishes D didn't exist". She's insecure and yeah, I made my life a helluva lot worse by lying. However, the reason I lied was that I thought it was ridiculous to tell me that I wasn't allowed to talk to D in the first place. So it's like this self-perpetuating cycle in which I feel wronged, act out, get in trouble, etc etc. The truth of the matter is, R wanted to break up (or "take a break" or whatever) and I told her that I would cut off D again, to make her feel better. I don't think R feels good now but just kinda sick that she's allowing herself to get "walked on". Truth be told, I don't want to walk on her, I love her a lot and my intentions are only in the right place but I don't like being told what I'm ALLOWED to do and what I'm not ALLOWED to do. Other than this too, I think i've been a damn good boyfriend. I don't feel like I should spend the rest of my life in the doghouse for my one sin. Anyways, thanks for the advice. It's not about being ALLOWED - it's about respecting the one you love. If you had some insecurities with something about her - voiced it, wouldn't you want her to respect your feelings? Or would you want her to follow in your footsteps and go behind your back?
Starla Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 lol you don't have a crystal ball, do you, that you can see into the future?? what's happened has happened.....it's what you do now that matters!!! you seem to be keeping score as to how good a boyfriend you are, like you were on a 6 but now coz you lied you're -2!!! but relationships don't work like that..you have to work at them always and show your partner every day you're committed to her and her alone. you're a partnership, and as soon as one goes a different way, then the cracks appear. you will only pay for this one mistake if you allow it to be the straw that breaks the camel's back...you made a wrong decision in lying to her, but that's all it was. a mistake...and you can start to fix things, right now, by making RIGHT decisions that you and your partner decide together, as the team you are. talk loads, thrash it out - this whole mess, make concrete decisions together and stick to them and work at it.
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