Author lexi29 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 You think it is solved because he "agreed" not to go. NO, he "agreed" only to keep you from bitching about it. I have been married a long time, have been to strip clubs. They are no big deal. You can not understand because you are thinking like a woman. To a guy, it is no big deal. You do more harm in the long run. You get enough of these..........."he agreed to" items over time, and he will leave one day. Well it is different to some people. I respect your opinion, I just don't agree with it. I think that me hanging out with my ex is ok. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm not going to cheat on anyone with my exes. Its no big deal to me, its just another friend to hang out with. But I know this makes my fiance uncomfortable so I don't do it. To me, hanging out with other guys (who are friends) is no big deal. But I "agree to" not do this because it bothers my fiance. So either he should accept what I want to do (and I in turn will stomach what he wants) or he should respect my request and not do it. If its a deal breaker for him he doesn't have to marry me, he can find someone who doesnt' have a problem with him going to strip clubs with his single friends. I never threatened to break up with him over the situation. He however told me if I go out with my ex then its over between us (a threat but one I doubt he'd follow thru on)
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 You think it is solved because he "agreed" not to go. NO, he "agreed" only to keep you from bitching about it. No, he agreed because he didn't like the shoe being on the other foot. And its nice to know that expressing one's feelings is considered "bitching". I have been married a long time, have been to strip clubs. They are no big deal. To YOU they aren't a big deal. And your wife just might be the kind that doesn't care. But some people do and to dismiss their feelings is just downright selfish. You can not understand because you are thinking like a woman. To a guy, it is no big deal. I'm a guy and I feel the same way as she does, I just don't feel the need to get even.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 So either he should accept what I want to do (and I in turn will stomach what he wants) or he should respect my request and not do it. If its a deal breaker for him he doesn't have to marry me, he can find someone who doesnt' have a problem with him going to strip clubs with his single friends. Do you more so have a problem with him being with his single friends?
allina Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'm sorry but I think you were wrong for talking him out of going to the strip club. They aren't a big deal, he's a grown man, he should be able to go with his friends, especially since it's not something he ever does. He's also wrong about not letting you hang out with your ex. Maybe it's just me but the idea of "letting" your spouse do something is crazy.
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 When it boils down to it, could it be he just wants to hang out with the guys? Maybe he doesn't want to be made fun of for not being allowed to go? Could be. And if thats the case, he can go this one time, then come home and break his ass making it up to her, if he cares that is. Maybe is friends are giving him a hard time about settling down and getting married? Well if this second idea is the case, you just reinforced the feelings of someone that wouldn't want their SO to go. Would you want a bunch of guys taking out your man and tearing down your relationship by trying to influence him that he is a fool for wanting to get married?
Author lexi29 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 When it boils down to it, could it be he just wants to hang out with the guys? Maybe he doesn't want to be made fun of for not being allowed to go? Maybe is friends are giving him a hard time about settling down and getting married? Not saying he shouldn't respect your feelings... but all possible reasons why he has the urge to go. Your are probably totally right about this. I'm sure the guys are giving him a hard time etc. Also he hasnt' seen them in awhile except for at work. but I have no problem if he wants to go out to a bar or to see a band play or to a party by himself with them. I just feel the need to draw the line at naked women.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Quite possibly we shouldn't be getting married so soon. WHen I post on here I post about things that are concerns or just things I'd like to hear other's opinions on. I don't post about the sweet things my fiance does or says or about the many times we get along and communicate very well. I honestly don't think anyone is perfect and practically every person you meet is going to have something in their past or about their behavior that you dont' like or agree with. The strip club thing was never an issue because he's never asked to go or wanted to go. So I assumed I'd be cool with it. I was wrong. The challenge I have here is that you post about huge issues just about every other day. You guys are just not ready for marriage, truth be told I am not convinced he has fully won you back after leaving you in October. Furthermore if either one of you is controlling, it is him. At least that is was I read all your posts. He wants something, pitches a fit, and you cave. Bottom line is that the two of you have not built the trust necessary in a relationship for it to succeed. What exactly makes you feel uncomfortable about him looking at naked women? Be honest - you don't trust him. Same as him not liking you going to have dinner with your friend. You two need to go to pre marital counseling in a really huge way. I'm not saying he isn't sweet or that you don't love him. But you just don't seem ready for this huge next step. There is way too much drama way too frequently.
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'm sorry but I think you were wrong for talking him out of going to the strip club. They aren't a big deal, he's a grown man, he should be able to go with his friends, especially since it's not something he ever does.. So to hell with her feelings on the subject, is that it?
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Your are probably totally right about this. I'm sure the guys are giving him a hard time etc. Also he hasnt' seen them in awhile except for at work. but I have no problem if he wants to go out to a bar or to see a band play or to a party by himself with them. I just feel the need to draw the line at naked women. He probably realizes this, and understands what you're saying, however the friends aren't going to see a band or going to the bar - and he doesn't want to be excluded. You two really need to talk about this and come to a compromise - especially if you want to be married, because when you're married, you'll be needing to do a lot of compromising - with out the threats (on both parts).
Author lexi29 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Do you more so have a problem with him being with his single friends? Yeah actually I do. If he were going with his married friend who has 3 kids as strange as it sounds I'd feel better about the situation. Like I said before I like his one friend as a person- he's a funny guy and easy to talk to. But he's 25 and having a kid with a girl he was just messing around with and all he does is talk crap about her and I'm beginning to think he just hates women in general because before her he was dating this girl who was crazy about him. THey lived together and she was a very beautiful sweet girl and he did nothing but cheat on her behind her back and when she found out and dumped him (this girl had moved ten hours away to be with him) he acted like she was the biggest bitch ever. Now he acts like his future baby mama is horrible and cheats on her all the time too. He's not very respectful of women- the first time he met me he told me I'd make good money as a stripper because I had a better body than most of the girls who stripped at some club. No offense to strippers because they probably make more money than I do and I don't know any personally so I have nothing against them but I didn't take that as a compliment. So I can definately see him and the other guys "encouraging" my fiance to act out and be more wild than normal. I mean these guys spend half their paycheck at this strip club according to my fiance. So I can see them paying for him to have lap dances and egging him on to try to get some stripper's phone number. I don't think he would actually cheat on me or anything but just the thought they'd be egging him on all ngiht and he'd probably try to save face and act all macho in front of them that he'd probably do a few things I wouldn't appreciate.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 You can not understand because you are thinking like a woman. To a guy, it is no big deal. You do more harm in the long run. You get enough of these..........."he agreed to" items over time, and he will leave one day. Stop bringing gender into the issue. The problem isn't that she was thinking like a woman, but more of the way she went about compromising things.
rainfall Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'm sorry but I think you were wrong for talking him out of going to the strip club. They aren't a big deal, he's a grown man, he should be able to go with his friends, especially since it's not something he ever does. . How is she wrong for this? If she doesn't like the idea of him being around live naked women then she should have every right to say that and he should respect her opinon. They are a big deal to some people and it doesn't mateer if it is something he does every day or something he has never done before.If she has a problem with it he should not go.
allina Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 So to hell with her feelings on the subject, is that it? No, but maybe you could try to understand that it's not a big deal. I feel that instead of this power struggle it would have been better to say "well I'm not really in to this idea but I'm not going to fuss about him going this one time"
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Yeah actually I do. If he were going with his married friend who has 3 kids as strange as it sounds I'd feel better about the situation. Like I said before I like his one friend as a person- he's a funny guy and easy to talk to. But he's 25 and having a kid with a girl he was just messing around with and all he does is talk crap about her and I'm beginning to think he just hates women in general because before her he was dating this girl who was crazy about him. THey lived together and she was a very beautiful sweet girl and he did nothing but cheat on her behind her back and when she found out and dumped him (this girl had moved ten hours away to be with him) he acted like she was the biggest bitch ever. Now he acts like his future baby mama is horrible and cheats on her all the time too. He's not very respectful of women- the first time he met me he told me I'd make good money as a stripper because I had a better body than most of the girls who stripped at some club. No offense to strippers because they probably make more money than I do and I don't know any personally so I have nothing against them but I didn't take that as a compliment. So I can definately see him and the other guys "encouraging" my fiance to act out and be more wild than normal. I mean these guys spend half their paycheck at this strip club according to my fiance. So I can see them paying for him to have lap dances and egging him on to try to get some stripper's phone number. I don't think he would actually cheat on me or anything but just the thought they'd be egging him on all ngiht and he'd probably try to save face and act all macho in front of them that he'd probably do a few things I wouldn't appreciate. Well if this is the actual problem, his friends could egg him on at a bar too. You need to figure out which is what really bothers you - the strip club or t he friends. If it's his friends, you're going to have to trust him to do the right thing, because we can't pick our SO friends for them. Regardless of which it is, you need to have a sit down and voice your concerns in an appropriate way. I understand your thoughts, as I've had similar thoughts of my SO at the time friends, and what not - but it's a matter of learning how to deal with the problem in a mature manner.
Author lexi29 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 No, but maybe you could try to understand that it's not a big deal. I feel that instead of this power struggle it would have been better to say "well I'm not really in to this idea but I'm not going to fuss about him going this one time" Well curiousnycgirl is right-I'm not totally healed from what happened in October (he left me for his ex) so I really don't feel like I should be doing him any favors or "allowing" him to do things that make me uncomfortable. There is a still a scar there and I don't feel like he should be the one calling the shots. Althought you are probably right in that if I didn't make a big deal of him going this one time he would probably just go have fun and it would be done with.
allina Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Well curiousnycgirl is right-I'm not totally healed from what happened in October (he left me for his ex) so I really don't feel like I should be doing him any favors or "allowing" him to do things that make me uncomfortable. There is a still a scar there and I don't feel like he should be the one calling the shots. Althought you are probably right in that if I didn't make a big deal of him going this one time he would probably just go have fun and it would be done with. I didn't factor in what happened in October, sorry. I don't know then, I don't think I could ever get over that.
Author lexi29 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Well if this is the actual problem, his friends could egg him on at a bar too. You need to figure out which is what really bothers you - the strip club or t he friends. If it's his friends, you're going to have to trust him to do the right thing, because we can't pick our SO friends for them. Regardless of which it is, you need to have a sit down and voice your concerns in an appropriate way. I understand your thoughts, as I've had similar thoughts of my SO at the time friends, and what not - but it's a matter of learning how to deal with the problem in a mature manner. It is a combination of the particular friends and the strip club. I have no doubts that my fiance isn't going to hit on a girl in a bar, he's not going to sleep with some random chick at a party, he might flirt with someone at a bar if drunk enough because he's not an outgoing guy. So he' s not going to be seeing any naked chicks at a bar. He knows what he has at home is good and I dont' think he'd do anything now to risk that. However a strip club is a different atmosphere. There are naked women and they are PAID to pay attention, flirt and touch the guys. Him talking to some random girl at a bar doesnt' make me upset or jealous but him getting a lap dance from a nearly naked stripper does. And I see these particular friends making sure that the poor-soon to be married guy gets lots of lap dances.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Some people need to REALIZE that what doesn't bother you, may bother another. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Don't come down on OP for not being comfortable with something. I highly doubt those of you who are coming down on her for that would want to post and have people bash on you for your insecurities. The important part is NOT whether going to a strip club or seeing your ex is wrong or right - it's about the two people in the relationship respecting the others feelings. OP respected his feelings about her ex - her only mistake was using it to make her point. IMO OP has more of an insecurity with him going out with his single friends - insecurities can be valid - they are a part of a person and everyone has them in some way or another. It's about figuring out where they stem from and how to deal with them with maturity.
Author lexi29 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 I didn't factor in what happened in October, sorry. I don't know then, I don't think I could ever get over that. It took a lot for him to win me back and even more for him to get me to start trusting him again. He didnt' cheat on me, he only lied to me once (when he didn't tell me he was dating the ex) and I loved him and his son so much and they were such a huge part of my life for so long I gave him a 2nd chance. I feel that the situation has made us both appreciate each other even more (although in this post it probably doesnt' sound like it)
allina Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 It took a lot for him to win me back and even more for him to get me to start trusting him again. He didnt' cheat on me, he only lied to me once (when he didn't tell me he was dating the ex) and I loved him and his son so much and they were such a huge part of my life for so long I gave him a 2nd chance. I feel that the situation has made us both appreciate each other even more (although in this post it probably doesnt' sound like it) It's understandable and I'm glad that you guys were able to recover the relationship. But I also see how this past can still color a situation like the strip club/seeing the ex business.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 OP - if you aren't healed from the past with him, it's not a good idea to get married. Marriage doesn't fix old problems, and if you get married and can't get past the past - you're going to have quite a bit of resentment.
Lovegod Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I don't post about the sweet things my fiance does or says or about the many times we get along and communicate very well. Neither a relationship nor a marriage can be built on "sweetness". If you can replace "sweetness" with trust, respect, and attraction, then you may have a chance. "Sweetness" can only improve a relationship that's already good. Look at it this way, would you rather drink a cup of coffee with a little bit of sugar, or would you drink a cup of sugar with a few drops of coffee? BTW, this is what you sound like: I'd rather he do neither. The fact is I don't really WANT to hang out with my guy friend. I don't care that he is an ex. Would it be a better situation if I went out blah blah blah blah blah. He doesnt' seem to understand what the big deal is, why it bothers me and feels I am blah blah blah blah. And no, it wasn't really an ultimatum. Its just that he is trying to make me seem like I"m being unreasonable and controlling and "forbiding" him blah blah blah blah. Why should I be cool with him going to a strip club but he's not blah blah blah blah blah. IMO, you are extremely bossy, irritatingly naggy, and it's scary how controlling you sound in your posts. You need to do some work on yourself before you're ready to get married to ANYBODY. If you don't work at improving yourself, ANY relationship you become involved with is going to fail. NO MAN will want to put up with any of this, and your 'fiance' already sounds like he's fed up with it.
latefragment Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I agree with your first post on this subject entirely. If he's going to go ahead and do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should be "allowed" to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. End of story. Sorry, this is about a couple days too late, but I am in agreement with you. It's absurd that others are making you feel bad about having feelings when in fact you are very open-minded about things like porn and stuff.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Neither a relationship nor a marriage can be built on "sweetness". If you can replace "sweetness" with trust, respect, and attraction, then you may have a chance. "Sweetness" can only improve a relationship that's already good. Look at it this way, would you rather drink a cup of coffee with a little bit of sugar, or would you drink a cup of sugar with a few drops of coffee? BTW, this is what you sound like: IMO, you are extremely bossy, irritatingly naggy, and it's scary how controlling you sound in your posts. You need to do some work on yourself before you're ready to get married to ANYBODY. If you don't work at improving yourself, ANY relationship you become involved with is going to fail. NO MAN will want to put up with any of this, and your 'fiance' already sounds like he's fed up with it. Perhaps you missed the part where she has respected the things he's not comfortable with. He is willing to let her compromise but not willing to hear her out.
Lovegod Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Perhaps you missed the part where she has respected the things he's not comfortable with. She can say that she respects him all she wants. However, I personally would not want to marry a woman who is this vengeful, controlling, and overall irritating.
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