abeliever Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Well, most of you know my story and I have another situation I need some advise on! Our divorce was final 2/20/08. He had 30 days to contest divorce but decided he wouldn't. I asked for control of our business due to his manic ourbursts at work from his/our personal issues. He had the money and the time to protest and fight for his part and HE decided that what was done was already done! I was shocked - I actually on the advise of my attorney did it due to H refusal to answer petition for divorce. At the beginning I asked for half, but 10 months later and H acting out at work in front of our employees I decided to push for more safe guards to be put into place after the divorce. He refused to ask for his 50% of company so now I own 100% of it! I really didn't want it all, so now I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of it all. But I am coping slowly. Ok, now here are my questions... Now, he wants me back. Said I do not have to give him back his part of company, he sees now he cannot live without me. He still works with me daily, was diagnosed recently with depression and now is taking meds which I have for years suggested but he refused. He is like another person no more outbursts even faced with upsetting things at work, he is so calm. It is like night and day. His family history is manic depression, bi-polar and schitzo, his mother, father and sister too! So he is so much better now. So, my heart one minute says take him back. Crazy I know! Then my heart is angry and lashes out and says no way do I take him back he will cheat again, and he cannot be trusted. 5 affairs and this baby due 2nd week in April. He will have the baby tested to see if it is his child. It is a lot to overcome. I know I can't trust him so why am I even considering it? I am one of those women who is strong, usually. So why would I even think of putting myself in this again?? What is wrong with me? Help??? abeliever
underpants Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 5 affairs and this baby due 2nd week in April. No. (Hell No). Just take some time. If the D was final just a month ago it is still fresh. I would be too wary given his track record. I commend him for his seemingly marked behavioral improvement but, not enough time has lapsed to see if it will stick and even so...that is one heck of a pattern there, and a baby. No. (Hell No).
twice_shy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Hell no. Your divorce will be final and I'd keep it that way. I don't believe a cheater ever truly changes. Sorry to those of you that think you have. But it could be he is looking at his situation and he might not want you back to have you, but to get his old situation back...family...home..etc. You are getting divorced from a cheater, trust me, keep it that way.
jmargel Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 He needs counseling, and alot of it before you should get back together with him. Make it something that he should strive for, a goal to reach. If you give in now then he will have no incentive to get himself better. You also need to start thinking and caring about yourself.
Owl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I would suggest that you let him prove himself changed...ignore his words...look at his actions. For a LONG, HARD time. Why on Earth would you consider rushing back into a relationship with someone who has treated this way for as long as he has? See if his changes last...over the next year, or even two. Date if you want...but in no way should you consider a new relationship with him until he's DEMONSTRATED without a doubt over a long time that his changes are real, and are permanent. Even then...I've got one final thought for you. Pre-nup.
nadiaj2727 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 He needs counseling, and alot of it before you should get back together with him. Make it something that he should strive for, a goal to reach. If you give in now then he will have no incentive to get himself better. You also need to start thinking and caring about yourself. This is true. Cheaters *can* change and sorry twice-shy but I have and I know others who have -- Owl's wife is one of them, so definitely listen to his posts abeliever. BUT it takes a *lot* of hard work and it is all up to the person who cheated to change THEMSELVES. There was something wrong inside of HIM that made him cheat -- not just once but five times!! What has he done to fix what was wrong with him? Has he been to counseling? And just because it's *possible* for a cheater to change doesn't mean it's probable. This is what some many people miss... either they think "once a cheater, always a cheater", no matter what (which to me is just condemning someone for a past bad decision instead of allowing them the freedom and the CHOICE to change themselves and become a better person), or they believe every word a cheater tells them and they think "he's worth another chance" just because they want him to be worth another chance... not because he's proven it. My belief, which is backed up by pscyhologists and relationship experts I've gone to and read, is that someone who has cheated *can* change but it doesn't often happen because it is too damn hard! It requires a huge desire to change and the dedication to put work behind that desire. There's a fine line... it definitely can happen -- just go to survivinginfidelity.com and you will see many recovered marriages, now who help other people through the same thing. But that doesn't mean it will happen in your case. (There are just as many people on survivinginfidelity who thought they could trust their spouse again and found out otherwise, unfortunately). So it all depends on the individual person (in this case, your ex husband). I know that it takes a lot of time and painful self-reflection to change. Through counseling I have realized who I am and why I did such self-destructive behaviors, that also hurt other people, in the past. It was really hard for me to face my demons and conquer them-- but despite what twice-shy or anyone may say, I know I have come to love myself enough to realize that infidelity is too harmful to everyone-- including me-- to ever do it again. I know I am in charge of my own destiny and I have learned too many painful lessons in the past to repeat that same mistake again. I know for sure I will never cheat or help someone else cheat again. But I also know that it has taken so much pain to realize who I had become and that I needed to fix that person before she destroyed herself and everyone who loved her. I truly believe that only broken people cheat and betray the ones who love them the most. To me that is a psychological issue that is not easily overcome. There are a lot of things that go together to allow someone to cheat. It's a combination of their pscyhological make-up, their upbringing/ relationship with their parents, their past experiences, their beliefs and values etc. No one just wakes up and says "I am not going to cheat anymore"... they have to put a lot of hard work into figuring out what was broken within them and how to fix it. It takes a lot of time and hard work. All that being said... I think it's important to apply it to your case instead of just stating my belief based on experience that he can change if he truly wants to. Honestly, in this case I feel that the reality of the divorce being final made him *start* thinking... of everything that he lost. Well, that is a consequence of his actions, and to start realizing that is only the very, very beginning. He has so much work left to do. Please, abeliever, don't you dare give him back his nice married life with you without taking a lot of time and space and seeing if he really changed (or is at least in the process of changing!) or if it's just more words... words like he gave you (and the OWs no doubt) while he was cheating. To do so would just be an invitation for him to come back to you and continue his cheating. If you have so much love for him that you think it's worth it, don't let it be blind trust... show him that he has to EARN your trust and that is going to take very significant work, which he will not be up for unless he has truly changed and fixed himself. It will be a very long and hard journey for each of you, so first I think you need to take some time to see: 1) how consistently hard-working he is to fix what was wrong with him and show you that he is doing so, with actions, not words and 2) how you feel after the divorce has been finalized for some time -- to see if you want to invest all the emotional energy and risk to even give him another chance if he is doing all of these things! Best wishes abeliever.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 5 affairs and this baby due 2nd week in April. He will have the baby tested to see if it is his child. It is a lot to overcome. I know I can't trust him so why am I even considering it? I am one of those women who is strong, usually. So why would I even think of putting myself in this again?? Really good question. At this point, the problem is no longer him but YOU -why would you subject yourself to level of pain again? Deep down inside, don't you think that you deserve better? Someone that actually, in a positive, healthy way, loves you back? Were it me, I wouldn't go back to that life (5 affairs ???) in a million years... Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 OP, you miss the good times. When you do, you forget all the crazy times that had your heart rate up around 200. That and the cheating is why you divorced him. You can still love someone and not be with them. They're just bad for you at this time. I like the advice to watch him (easy, since he works for you) for a few years, and would suggest dating other men as you feel like it in the interim. You may find new love or you may see a new him over time that is who you want. Complete the divorce and do a pre-nup with anyone, including him, in the future. Enjoy your successes. You've earned them
LifesontheUp Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 OP, you miss the good times. When you do, you forget all the crazy times that had your heart rate up around 200. That and the cheating is why you divorced him. You can still love someone and not be with them. They're just bad for you at this time. I like the advice to watch him (easy, since he works for you) for a few years, and would suggest dating other men as you feel like it in the interim. You may find new love or you may see a new him over time that is who you want. Complete the divorce and do a pre-nup with anyone, including him, in the future. Enjoy your successes. You've earned them I think this is spot on. When I divorced the xH was continually near (work in same office) and trying to show he'd changed. There were times when his "niceness" would make me think back to all the good times we had and of course I missed those good times in my life. Like you we had a long history together, but I made a decision to be on my own for a while, to take things slow and decide what I really wanted. My advice too would be to sit back and watch and take time for YOU.
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