mas21 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 So i am graduating college and realizing a lot of things. I have taken for granted a lot of people and really feel bad for some of my actions to someone, now that i am mature i realized how important they were in my life. A lot of my past insecurities have really affected my relationships and my naive behavior prevented me from seeing it. For some reason every long relationship i have had i end up breaking up with the person. I feel bad reading everyone who has been hurt and trying to mend themselves without the person that hurt them. I guess i have to got to grips with my actions considering my first guy that i experienced everything with, whom i hurt terribly 4 years ago now suddenly wants me out from his life. He is five years older than me. I have left that door opened and continually talked to him throughout the years because i guess deep down i wanted to keep that option and love when i was fully ready for him, which was stringing him along. I sent my peace and last attempt to his recent distanced communication. I do not know if that was a great idea but my best friend said i needed to say it because it was very real and honest about many things that he may not have understood at the time and probably translated my behavior into something that was inconsistent with my intentions. I do not know if he read it, if he still uses that email, or really even cares. I guess it kinda feels good to get some stuff off my chest. Do you ever think that someone that was hurt in a relationship ever properly heals? I always have felt that the person that gets dumped is almost vulnerable to the person that dumped them. I feel like it is a hit to dumpees ego so they unconsciously feel they must prove the person wrong. I do not know, i guess my thought are just from the guys behaviors that i have broken up with. Also reading many of these blogs shows me that someone that has been dump is fighting the urge to talk to their ex and move on.
0hpenelope Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 From one among many dumpee's perspective. Do you ever think that someone that was hurt in a relationship ever properly heals? I always have felt that the person that gets dumped is almost vulnerable to the person that dumped them. Yes, we do heal. It's human nature to move on. Yes, we are vulnerable to the dumper... we are especially vulnerable to the dumper. I feel like it is a hit to dumpees ego so they unconsciously feel they must prove the person wrong. I do not know, i guess my thought are just from the guys behaviors that i have broken up with. Also reading many of these blogs shows me that someone that has been dump is fighting the urge to talk to their ex and move on. We prove that we are above the pain; that we can live and go on without the dumper. And we can! Most of us start off with the intention to prove the dumper wrong - to show them what they're missing - when, in a way, it's to prove to ourselves that we are made for more than pain. In the healing process, our greatest enemy is ourselves. Many of "these blogs", as you've observed, say that someone who has been left behind fights the urge to talk to their ex. It happened to me almost 2 hours ago: bawled my eyes out to a friend and expressed my frustration that I can't make my best friend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend understand that I don't want to be his friend ever. For me, we can't go back and he can believe what he wants, but I'm made for more than "breadcrumbs," as a poster has said. "Actions speak louder than words." I've told that guy at least 4 different times in different words that I don't want to be his friend, so now it's time to do the action and stick with it and hold steady. It feels like a futile battle because it's a battle I go through daily, but the feeling of indifference that comes when I'm successful... it makes fighting that battle worth it. If the silence at my end still does not take to him as equivalent to me going at the top of Mt. Everest and hollering my little lungs out to "Stay away from me!", I don't know how else he'll get it. We fight the urge to talk to the ex because for most of us, doing so just brings us back to square one - that sad, achy, lonely, hollow, empty feeling or any combination of those. The ex wanted him/her gone, so... stay gone. Friendship works out, great. If friendship doesn't work out, great; life works out that way sometimes. Your ex-bf is trying to heal, too, in the way that he knows is best for himself. You seem like a good person (and I say this because I don't know you personally, so I don't mean to offend) and if you genuinely care, you'll give his healing. You've done what you can, you meant your apologies, and now it's up to him. Whatever he decides, you must reserve acceptance for because... that's really all you can do. =T Congratulations on your upcoming graduation! I can't imagine how it must feel to be ohsoclose to the finish and all of the possibilities lying ahead of you.
Author mas21 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 im sorry to hear what you have to go through with this guy. I have definitely dated a guy like that in college, who calls me 10 plus times a night after i told him to go away. Then gets means, i dont get it. I was honest with him and told him i couldnt fake feelings for him over a yr ago, changed my number and said go away but still not getting the hint. I wonder though, why with my hs ex, although he does not want to meet up with me and ignores some texts, will reply to questions if i sent one right now? I do not get it. So anything with seeing me or where he has to be real and show some sort of honesty about feelings, nothing. He will reply to me but seems to not want anything to do with me? Its only weird to me because i have asked him, do you want me to leave you alone, and if he had a gf if he wanted me to leave him alone. Never says yes go away or to leave him alone. I do not understand anyone!
atc2410 Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Male dumpee perspective... I do want to be friends with my most recent ex partner because that is my nature and my instinct is to not act like I want nothing to do with someone I shared so much with. She seems to want me in her life - I don't initiate contact but she checks in once in a while with news or just to ask how my weekend is going. I find it a bit strange sometimes to get a random question out of the blue and wonder if she's just keeping me at arms length as an ongoing option. Just as likely is she wants to remain friends. She's a young girl though and seems to be cycling through a few social circles at the moment. She is very flawed and selfish at this time. Not in a malicious or particularly bad way, she's just being young I guess. If trust and honesty were an issue in the relationship that makes post-relationship friendship difficult also.
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