Defeated.

[Never_Again]

I can't sleep.

 

I don't even want to type on here. After going over my previous posts I feel like I have said WAY too much. I already feel like my privacy is compromised here... but, I have nowhere else to go and I haven't said that much, I suppose.

 

I am hurting so much. I should be sleeping, or doing homework, or anything else, but I can't. I am listening to various songs that are just making me so depressed. I hate it when I get into these funks.

 

I would never ever ever ever ever go back to xmm. No matter what. Well, almost no matter what. If he showed me divorce papers, I am sure I would be putty in his hands. It's weird because I am SO INTELLIGENT. And I KNOW that even if he were to get divorced (never going to happen anyway, so that doesn't matter...) and come to me with divorce papers and I jump into his arms and whatever... I know that he would do the same thing to me. He is a serial cheater. He told me all of his dirty little secrets. I don't know why. Well, I do know why. But that's neither here nor there.

 

I am just going crazy. It's my fault everything ended the way it did. I mean, no it's not... but it is! Logically it is NOT my fault. But when it comes to my heart... I believe it is my fault. I think it is SO WEIRD how I can be so intelligent in every other aspect of life except when it comes to him.

 

He did me a favor by lying about everything, I suppose. If he would have been telling me the truth and I dropped everything to be with him, I know it would have turned out awful.... you can't start a beautiful relationship that is based on beautiful LIES.

 

I will never see him in person again, I will make sure of it. Never ever ever. Only because I will crumble and probably have a nervous breakdown... or punch him in the nose. Before him I had breakups with guys before that "broke my heart," or so I thought. I didn't know what true heartbreak felt like until him. My heart has been absolutely shattered and I have been permanently damaged because of him... and I am so young! I hate it. I feel SO JADED and so.... just, beaten down. You know how some people end up becoming really jaded and messed up because of just one certain person? He's my person. He f*cked me up permanently. I distinctly remember saying to him during a conversation we had last year "You know, if you are lying to me you will destroy me and crush my soul and heart." And he said... he always said... "I'm not lying to you, baby, why don't you trust me?"

 

I still get VERY strong urges and sexual desirous feelings for him. Just yesterday I was driving and for some reason a vision of one of the times we slept together last year popped into my head and I immediately became INTENSELY aroused! But I can't even LOOK at or THINK about other guys in that way. I am in such a bad position right now. I want him so bad, but I want NOTHING to do with him. It doesn't make any sense. I love him, but I hate him.

 

Oh well.... it will pass, right?

[BettyBoop]

...you can't start a beautiful relationship that is based on beautiful LIES. ..

 

Above is the truth in a nutshell. Wish more people would understand that very particular statement.

 

Never_Again, I once was hurt badly by a man who did not deserve my love - I listed all the reasons why he was wrong for me. Then I listened to songs like "Hole in the head" etc - stay away from sad lovesongs and keep your sanity. Work out, hang with friends - do anything to take your mind off him. I know it is easier said than done, but one day you will be happy you did.

 

Best of luck!

[Owl]

Time and effort can help you heal your broken heart.

 

What do you do, today...when you're suddenly thinking about him?

 

Have you developed any kind of coping strategies?

 

For example...when you think about him...and you catch yourself thinking about him...have you worked on methods to "change the subject" in your own mind OFF of him? Even a negative association works...its sometimes better. When you think of him...immediately think of how bad he made you feel after all of this...and then FORCE yourself to think about something else.

 

What support mechanisms do you have in place to help you get through all of this? Family, friends, etc...that can help you when you're down?

 

Excersise is another GREAT outlet for stress and depression.

 

Just some suggestions...you won't recover until you make the choice TO recover. That's the first step.

[Never_Again]

 

For example...when you think about him...and you catch yourself thinking about him...have you worked on methods to "change the subject" in your own mind OFF of him? Even a negative association works...its sometimes better. When you think of him...immediately think of how bad he made you feel after all of this...and then FORCE yourself to think about something else.

 

 

 

Excersise is another GREAT outlet for stress and depression.

 

Usually I do change the subject in my head or think about all of the disgustingly horrible things he did to me and then I'm good. I just got into a funk last night. It's all good now! It's never gotten that bad before.

 

I know exactly the kind of person he is and why he isn't good for me... or our son, for that matter. I just shouldn't stay up that late listening to songs that make me think of him. B/c then I start thinking way too much, I think things that I know are stupid and then feel foolish later for thinking them. But I always know in the back of my head that when I think positive things about him they are all based off of an illusion that he created for me and not the truth.... so I always get smacked down to reality. Sometimes it just takes a good night's sleep to do so.

 

And, yeah, I exercise all of the time. I LOVE IT!!!! Amazing stress reliever for sure!

[Owl]

I had to learn the same "tricks" for dealing with this stuff a couple of times in my life.

 

Its like a mild form of PTSD...you start obsessing on the thing that hurts the most...over and over and over.

 

So the mental "re-direction" is a good coping mechanism. Eventually, your mind will do it on its own.

 

And same with the exercise...in my case, I was the BS in the situation...and shortly after d-day, when my wife and I could barely be in the same bldg together, I'd go for walks like I used to do. LONG, FAST walks/jogs...10+ miles. It was the only way I could exhaust myself to fall asleep at night. Combine that with a complete lack of appetite, and I lost over 25 lbs in the first two weeks.

 

Too bad I got all of them back eventually.

[MimiMe]

Take Bikram yoga or take a kick-boxing class and put his picture on the punching bag. LOL!

But most important... I am not sure of your faith- PRAY! Ask whatever force you believe in to give you Strenght, Serenity and Wisdom to accept the things you cant change. You ahve a lil guy that needs you more than anyone in this world. Do it for him!

[nadiaj2727]

I listed all the reasons why he was wrong for me.

 

Hi never again -- I think bettyboop has some really good advice here. You have already stated in your posts a lot of pearls of wisdom -- such as a relationship can't start on lies, you know he's a liar, etc. (I agree it's sad/funny how such smart women can fall for such idiotic mm!!) So make a list of everything you've learned from this experience. Whenever you're feeling down, read the list and realize how strong you are and how far you've come. It will make you realize that instead of staying stuck in a bad situation, you moved on and learned from it. Good for you. Best wishes.

[White Flower]

Dear NA,

 

I'm sorry to hear that your guy was a serial cheater. How do you know this for sure?

 

You should start a thread that reveals all the 'dirty little secrets' he used in order to get away with his habitual cheating. I hate to 'out' cheaters because I understand they are not all the same, but I think for you it might be cathartic and it would also help all the BSs learn what to look for in their WSs. It might help you put some focus on a new purpose and not to dwell so much on your own pain. And to tell you the truth, it would help some OWs figure out if their guy is serial.

 

Slightly change of subject: would most OW drop their MM if they discovered they were with a serial cheater? Hope not to thread jack.

[Lovelybird]

Never_Again

 

your obssession about him is born of a WRONG belief, that he can meet your emotional and romantic needs, that he is perfect for you IF IF he is available. But reality is that he is an imperfect man. suppose you are living with him on a daily basis, one day he will fart right before your present; he will belch; he will be lazy; he will be selfish; he will grow beer-belly, he will become fat.....you won't see all these when you date him, especially on an affair. If you are in a marriage with him, there will come to a point you have to make a decision to give.

 

After the beginning stage, the chemical will subdue at some degree, the love will continue for those who make dedication and devotion and serious commitment. your feeling of 'deeply in love with him' probably is because you cannot get him.

 

Your frustration maybe also come from rejection. This is another WRONG belief. You are worthy or not really don't rely on how he treated you, how he defines you. Your worth comes from God. now you clearly see that he isn't decently dealing with you, his character isn't trustworthy. Please image you cut a chord that connect your future and self worth from him. you are free now. you have chance to meet a decent man who know how to treat you decently. you just had a detour, and now you are back on right track

 

A man or a relationship won't define you, rely your happiness on an imperfect man (any human being is imperfect, will hurt you someway) is very harmful

[Never_Again]

Dear NA,

 

I'm sorry to hear that your guy was a serial cheater. How do you know this for sure?

 

You should start a thread that reveals all the 'dirty little secrets' he used in order to get away with his habitual cheating. I hate to 'out' cheaters because I understand they are not all the same, but I think for you it might be cathartic and it would also help all the BSs learn what to look for in their WSs. It might help you put some focus on a new purpose and not to dwell so much on your own pain. And to tell you the truth, it would help some OWs figure out if their guy is serial.

 

Slightly change of subject: would most OW drop their MM if they discovered they were with a serial cheater? Hope not to thread jack.

 

I know he was because he told me he was and told me of all his little conquests. I don't want to go into too much detail because I want to give as little information about my situation as I can.

 

I didn't drop him because I thought he was being honest with me about everything because he loved me and would never do to me what he did to his wife. HA!

[Never_Again]

Never_Again

 

your obssession about him is born of a WRONG belief, that he can meet your emotional and romantic needs, that he is perfect for you IF IF he is available. But reality is that he is an imperfect man. suppose you are living with him on a daily basis, one day he will fart right before your present; he will belch; he will be lazy; he will be selfish; he will grow beer-belly, he will become fat.....you won't see all these when you date him, especially on an affair. If you are in a marriage with him, there will come to a point you have to make a decision to give.

 

After the beginning stage, the chemical will subdue at some degree, the love will continue for those who make dedication and devotion and serious commitment. your feeling of 'deeply in love with him' probably is because you cannot get him.

 

Your frustration maybe also come from rejection. This is another WRONG belief. You are worthy or not really don't rely on how he treated you, how he defines you. Your worth comes from God. now you clearly see that he isn't decently dealing with you, his character isn't trustworthy. Please image you cut a chord that connect your future and self worth from him. you are free now. you have chance to meet a decent man who know how to treat you decently. you just had a detour, and now you are back on right track

 

A man or a relationship won't define you, rely your happiness on an imperfect man (any human being is imperfect, will hurt you someway) is very harmful

 

He already has a fat, beer belly. It used to turn me on and now the thought of him makes me want to vomit.

 

Don't worry, those sappy ridiculous thoughts of him were DEFINITELY FLEETING. I don't care if I SAW divorce papers, I want nothing to do with that sorry excuse for a human being again for the rest of my life. Absolutely nothing. He is a phony and a fraud and none of his cute qualities were reality. He is a selfish, manipulative, disgusting human being.

[Never_Again]

I think I am sinking into a deep depression. A seriously deep depression. I had so much stuff that I needed to get done today and I just can't motivate myself to do hardly anything. I have a huge research paper due soon that I haven't even begun to work on in addition to a crapload of other school work that I just can't bring myself to do.

 

My child is taken care of. I make sure of that. He is my number one priority and is doing great... his mom is a mess, though.

 

Now that contact has resumed and all this crap is going on I really just feel so beaten up and defeated. I haven't cried more than 30 seconds over my xmm up until recently. I just left the house and on my way home, I just kept driving and driving and crying and crying.... I am so f*cking depressed and I feel like my soul has been destroyed and my heart ripped out.

 

I don't think I will ever love again. Ever. I am beyond jaded. I don't trust any man. I don't trust myself. I don't trust anyone.

 

I can't deal with him directly anymore. I just can't do it. Every bit of communication destroys what little bit of my soul is left. Especially when he becomes so mean and hateful.

 

I can't stop crying. I can't stop beating myself up. I know that my self-worth doesn't depend on him, I know that. It's not that I think any less of myself. I just... I don't know how to explain it.

 

I just wish I could snap myself out of it.

 

One minute I am wallowing in my sorrow over my hurt feelings and what he did to me last year and the next minute I am cursing him and wishing death upon him (not for real, but, you know). I either HATE him and never want to lay eyes on him again or I HATE myself because I feel like I am still so in love with him at times and it will always be unrequited. It doesn't even matter if he tried to start things up with me again because I wouldn't even go down that road again... that I am sure of. If he did get a divorce (which he won't, ever), I am not sure what I would do. But even if I was with him, I know I wouldn't be happy.

 

So, you see, this is a lose-lose situation for me. I can't stand not having him but I don't want anything to do with him. He always makes me so unhappy and depressed no matter what is going on between us. When he loved me I was depressed all the time because of him.... now that he doesn't love me (maybe never did), I am depressed all the time.

 

I was FANF*CKINGTASTIC before communication began again.

 

I know what I have to do....

[whichwayisup]

Get some counselling in to help you cope. Your depression will only get worse if not treated by either meds and/or talk therapy.

[Lookingforward]

. I can't stand not having him but I don't want anything to do with him. He always makes me so unhappy and depressed no matter what is going on between us. When he loved me I was depressed all the time because of him.... now that he doesn't love me (maybe never did), I am depressed all the time.

 

I was FANF*CKINGTASTIC before communication began again.

 

I know what I have to do....

 

NeverAgain, it really is a case of 'I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here'?

 

It IS hard to feel the way you're feeling, the overwhelming depression that makes it feel like you're paralysed, but eventually self interest reasserts itself and you will find it lifting little by little, until one day you look back and realise you have managed to get THROUGH it intact.

 

It sounds like it was a toxic relationship, but I'm sure you already know that, which is why you're beating yourself up over it.

 

It may not be much comfort now, but it WILL get better, trust me. Focus on doing the things you need to do, for your schooling, your child, for you. Don't communicate with him if it makes you feel worse.

[Never_Again]

Get some counselling in to help you cope. Your depression will only get worse if not treated by either meds and/or talk therapy.

 

Therapy has never worked and I refuse to put those chemicals in my body.... so there seems to be virtually nothing I can do.

 

The only thing that is a little comforting is the fact that my best friend is going through something similar and having virtually the same feelings as me. Misery loves company....

[Never_Again]

NeverAgain, it really is a case of 'I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here'?

 

It IS hard to feel the way you're feeling, the overwhelming depression that makes it feel like you're paralysed, but eventually self interest reasserts itself and you will find it lifting little by little, until one day you look back and realise you have managed to get THROUGH it intact.

 

It sounds like it was a toxic relationship, but I'm sure you already know that, which is why you're beating yourself up over it.

 

It may not be much comfort now, but it WILL get better, trust me. Focus on doing the things you need to do, for your schooling, your child, for you. Don't communicate with him if it makes you feel worse.

 

The thing is, I have been totally fine until contact resumed between us. I was SO MUCH better just pretending like he didn't exist and everything that happened didn't really happen. The sad reality that it really DID all happen is just starting to sink in and take over me and I am getting so depressed and hopeless and lonely...

 

Yeah, I won't communicate with him any more. It makes me feel too terrible. I just can't do it.... for my sanity...

[mistresswchildren]

I know people have told you this before, but exercise does seem to help. Even counselors say that it helps. I realize that you may not feel like getting up to do it (trust me I understand), but after a good run or bicycling or something, you will feel better about you. I understand that going to counseling does not work. A lot of the time, the most intelligent people are the ones that cannot be helped by counseling. I also understand your hesitation about taking something for it. The only question that I have to ask is, would you do it for your son? I get the same way, but I cannot be an effective mother when I'm like that. This is why I FINALLY broke down and started taking something. I am not endorsing drugs or anything, but there are low dose things that can take the edge off without making you feel less like yourself. My kids started noticing when Mommy would cry. My son used to pat my shoulder. He is only two. They pick up on stuff like that. I realize that your son is taken care of, but if "Mommy isn't happy, ain't nobody happy." Make yourself happy in any way you can. Also, I wanted to thank you for your post on my thread. You really are an insightful person, and I am glad that I joined this forum.