mishy Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 A few of you have given me great advice on my last drama "He was a LIAR" http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t147628/ But this is just the latest thing in a long line of basic tragedy. I went to see a counsellor about July last year, and when I told her everything that has happened to me she actually said "I don't know how you are getting out of bed in the morning". I'm posting to see if I can get any advice as to where to go from here. My story is very long so I will be brief. *Firstly my dad died in april 2006 (thats almost 2 years ago now) from a long long fight with cancer over many years. He was my favourite person in the whole world and this hit me really hard , and may have been the trigger for events that followed. * After he died for a few months after that I walked around thinking that i was going to keep losing people, through death or they would abandon me. I had a male friend who was gay and we were best friends, and i started clinging onto him like crazy, it drove him nuts, i was jealous of other friends, the whole bit. * him and me and my female best f of 19 years and a nother fem friend had planned a holiday. It was to my home town (stunning rainfrorest area)and we booked it in august for december, just b4 xmas, and i was glad for the distraction as i was dreading the first xmas without my dad. * about 7 days before we were going to go, the female bf cancels bcos she is stressed about xmas, and she was giving a lift to 2 ppl going who didnt have cars. She was really nonplussed about cancelling and didnt give a rats about any inconvenience. She'd been pissing me off in other ways over the last 19 yrs (we never argued). So when she hit me with this I got mad and toldf her she was self interested. She had a fight with my male bf about it to. * But somehow they both pretty much ganged up on me for being mad and from there it all went to hell. *He rings me up just after new years 07 when i was out of town and tells me the friendship is over because i have been too clingy and depend on him too much *Meanwhile the fem bf isnt talking to me because she is not used to me sticking up for myself to her and telling her what i think. *when i get back to town, I dont get invited to all the group activities because the male bf is basically the social organiser. Howvere i have made up with my female bf - but all she ends up doing when i see her is tell me about all the wonderful things my group is doing without me. She says she cant invite me because of the male friend. * In March 07 my mother is diagnosed with ovarian cancer. * I travel with her to sydney during april/ may last year for surgery and chemo *While i was away my group of friends of about 5 or 6 ppl continue to have fun without me and i hear all about it thru the f friend. *One of those friends in particular of 7 yrs who I actually introduced to the other ppl, is a social worker but makes no attempt to contact me about mum or offer any support. *Her ex boyfriend had bcome great friends with my ex male friend, so basically to keep in good with her ex, (because she values men more than women) she abandons me for the group. *All of this distance is exacerbated by the fact that i am physically away. *IN June my mother dies * In september I am having a drink with my female friend of 19 years. We get a bit drunk and she starts bringing up the cancellation of the trip again and how i called her "self centred". I had already apologised months earlier but she still had a grudge. Mind you, we never got any apology from her for dropping out and mucking everyone around. *So we got in this ugly fight where she was just going on and on about it. Honestly in 19 yrs I never ever stuck up to her and she just couldnt take it i think and kept the grudge. I mean all i said was that she was self centred, it could have been worse. *Also she is still seeing the group, and my ex male friend so i am still feeling very betrayed after being friends for so many years. These ppl never meant that much to her yet she was still doing it. Sort of like a school bully. * So after that i went and visited her around November but got the cold shoulder so i left. SO basically thats it. Oh except, 2 wks ago we put mum and dads house on the market and had to clear the house which was just awful, and my sister wants to get half a millon dollars for it but refused to help with the garden because of plain laziness (its a farm) and all the physical work , and left it all to me to do, and so we got in a big row over it. So now we are not speaking. I had basically said to her "which day can you come and help" i booked her in and when she came she said she didnt want to do it. Just childish. the place is 6 hrs away from here and i just wanted to get it done. Yep so thats my life. I have lost so much and im pretty much fed up. So if you read mylast post "He was a liar" you can see why its just another blow. I have a cpl of friends now but dont see them much. I am scared to make new friends for fear of losing them again i think ,or being lied to. I have really lost my confidence. Its nearly april and i havent had fun in months. Its really hard to explain how i feel - i feel like ive failed- what if i hadnt done this , what if i hadnt said that, but i dont know. I know im supposed to join clubs blah blah. On the one hand i feel like well maybe they werent friends to start with? or maybe im just a horrible person? or how am i going to build up my life again? what are ppl going to think if they found out i lost all my friends? Im in my 30's.
pigeonsid Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Hi mishy- I'm sorry for your losses. I also lost a lot of friends when my mother died. A lot of people weren't there for me, a lot of friends who showed me what terrible friends they were. It was a difficult and lonely period, but I buried myself in work and somehow got through it. Right now I am also experiencing an estrangement from my family, rifts were also caused by my mum's death. And I also suffer from terrible abandonment issues, and yes - it took at least 2 years for me to be able to stop feeling that I was just going to lose everyone in my life and that everything was about death. My advice is to sit down and think about what you want your life to be, and then start doing the work to make that happen. For me it was my career - I set lots of career goals and then I had something to work towards, even on those days when it seemed like there was no point. I know that other people get their purpose from their religion. I'm afraid there is no other advice I can give you, except to hang in there and maybe go see a counsellor regularly? Grief is awful and isolating but there doesnt' seem to be anything else to do except to get through it day by day. Good luck.
Author mishy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Thanks for replying pigeonsid. I was starting to feel like a leper because no one was replying. I am trying to focus on my goals in my career (im an illustrator) but i find that there is still that god awful hole and void there. I feel quite numb- and I am suspicious of peoples motivations i guess- like i am going to be hurt again. I still cant understand why these friends of mine who had been friends for so long simply abandoned me at the worst time. Yes like you Im pretty much estranged from my sister (its only been a fortnight though) She was adopted though and has her own issues. But I simply cant handle her at the moment, she didnt help with mums funeral, left everything to me , made no phone calls to anyone even when asked to, and she didnt help with getting the house ready to sell- both of which were the hardest things ive ever had to do - and i really dont think i can forgive her for that.
pigeonsid Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hi Mishy- It's hard to cope in the aftermath of a death of a parent. (I'm really sorry that you've had to lose both of them in such a short period of time.) I think cancer is also particularly tough because when you live with someone who has a terminal illness it trains your mind to live day to day. It really was only getting into my last relationship that enabled me to start seeing a future again. I also had huge trust issues and abandonment issues, which is the fallout of having to live with constantly wondering when someone is going to pass away. When I look back on my relationship, I understand that some of my behaviour was crazy - I had irrational fears, I would push my boyfriend away emotionally because I was so scared of losing him, and of course - falling in love also brought up so many emotions of grief that I'd just locked down and tried to put away. When my ex left me it took a long while for me to stop seeing it as my fault - I really felt that I was just too messed up for him to be with me. I am still battling that feeling, but my head knows that really - he should have been more understanding and if he really did love me the way he said he did, then he should have been more patient and just given me the time and space I needed to start living like a more normal person. But you've reminded me that when my mum was sick and I had a clearing out period where I lost about half my friends (and many very close friends), I had a similar confusion. I just couldn't understand why people weren't being more understanding with me. I had a lot of friends who simply couldnt' acknowledge that what I was going through was very serious and tough on me, and that I needed support. They were friends who were my friends when they needed help but when I needed someone to talk to, someone to support me, they disappeared. Maybe it's because you're still quite young and most of your friends haven't been through a similar experience? I did feel that having my mum die made me a pariah of sorts - it wasn't a subject that people were comfortable with. Looking back, after I rebuilt my life it was a lot better without those sham friends. But it was an awful period - very lonely, and just very disillusioning to see the bad side of people. I guess you just have to hang in there and know that when this is over and you put your life back together, it will be a better one. But I know that the journey to get there is going to be tough. I'm also trying to go on that journey once again, since my relationship fell apart, and what I thought was my future has changed again. But I'm trying to tell myself that no matter what falls apart in the future - nothing is as hard as losing your parents. And if you can get through this, then you can get through anything. Hugs.
Author mishy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 - I really felt that I was just too messed up for him to be with me. I am still battling that feeling, but my head knows that really - he should have been more understanding and if he really did love me the way he said he did, then he should have been more patient and just given me the time and space I needed to start living like a more normal person. Looking back, after I rebuilt my life it was a lot better without those sham friends. But it was an awful period - very lonely, and just very disillusioning to see the bad side of people. I guess you just have to hang in there and know that when this is over and you put your life back together, it will be a better one. But I know that the journey to get there is going to be tough. I'm also trying to go on that journey once again, since my relationship fell apart, and what I thought was my future has changed again. But I'm trying to tell myself that no matter what falls apart in the future - nothing is as hard as losing your parents. And if you can get through this, then you can get through anything. Hugs. Thanks , Most of my bad feelings are about feeling like its all my fault, and even the friend of 19 years criticisied the way i grieved (her mother died about 10 years ago) -she said that i took it out on ppl and that "she never did that" Well basically she didnt do anything, and never actually dealt with it and is a very bitter person - which is probably why we fell out as well. She was bitter towards men cos she couldnt find one, and was 36 and had never been with a man, but thats another story. Another friend (the male one) i heard through someone else that he was scoffing to someone that 5 months after dad died i was still greiving. He has not had a parent die. I really think some ppl think its something that lasts a few weeks, or that grieving is crying, they dont realise its much more than that. It is so frustrating. Yes i really felt like an alien. I still feel like they are bitching behind my back. I am wondering whether it would be a good idea or not to be in a relationship when im like this - but then when is the right time? But i still am all over theplace emotionally. You say "after i rebuilt my life" Can you tell me how you did that, and how long it took before you started to feel normal again?
pigeonsid Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Just set up routines that will get you through the days and the healing happens slowly. I think it really took about a year before I started to feel more normal. It definitely took that first year to be able to stop crying every day. I am still dealing with grief though - it surfaces again after every loss. And I would definitely recommend staying away from relationships until you're stronger. I know it's a lonely period, but being in a relationship is in itself a huge emotional risk and when you're grieving from a recent loss, you're just in no condition to deal with a relationship. Grief puts huge pressure on existing relationships - there's no way that someone who's just met you can cope with it, and in a way it's not fair to ask them to either. In a way, the longing to be in a relationship is just a means of escaping from the grief. You want someone to make you happy and take the pain away, but the truth is that nothing will take the pain away. You do need to let yourself feel it. If you don't then you risk ending up like your friend - bitter and angry, and unable to change because you refuse to face up to the root cause of the emotion. The year that my mum was sick, and the year after were truly the worst years of my life. It was so lonely, I don't know how I survived it but I did. And the wonderful thing is that I am finally at peace with it. I went through a lot of anger, but it's gone now. The friends I lost during that period - I'm happy to be rid of them. They weren't adding anything to my life, and losing them gave me the time and space to treasure my true friends. And yes, until someone has lost a parent, they don't know how severe and long a process the grieving is. Don't let other people de-value your need to grieve - and don't deny yourself the time and space to grieve. Remember your parents, feel your anger, mourn them. And know that day by day it does get better. Make sure you're keeping busy, and try to do things that will help you meet other people. Even if you don't feel like it - it does help get you through. And keep posting here if you like - I'm happy to continue our conversation. All the best.
Author mishy Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Thankyou so much for you help with this. At first when I broke it off with the lying guy, I felt awful and it started the grieving again. But now in the last couple of days I have started to feel kind of "normal" because really, he wasnt making me feel good at all. So Ive kind of realised that having toxic people can sometimes be worse than having no one at all. Ive been making plans, setting goals. Something you said made me realise that this happens to other people too - losing friends when parents die. Ive been carrying it around on my back feeling like its all my fault. But these friends werent there for the long haul. The thing is, that when i make friends i am very close to them- I am not really the sort to just have heaps of people that im not that close to. So all my energies were around these few friends. Did i think that these freinds were going to last me the rest of my life? I think i must have. Was i making any effort to make new friends? No i dont think i was. And now im forced to, which as hard as it is, might in the long run be a good thing. Its just that eerie loneliness that creeps up on you.
Jade 02 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Sorry hun,it all can't be your fault. But as I rad mny time here on LS spend alot of tim on yuourslf,I know its hard
pigeonsid Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Hi mishy- It's ok, it's good for me to talk about this with someone else as well. I think I had the same problem as you - I also really value my friends and invest a lot of myself in friendships. When my mum got sick, I realised that I'd always been there for my friends. I had about three best friends who I always prioritised, always was there for. It was a bit of an awful shock to realise that when I was in trouble, they couldn't be there for me. And a shock to realise that all the investment I'd made wasn't going to pay off for me. And yes, the loneliness was awful. I felt really isolated and it was tough having to deal with everything by myself, without having anyone else to rely on. But in the long run, it is better. It was really difficult but I'm glad I had that clearing out period and didn't waste any more time on people who weren't contributing anything to my life. And difficult as it is, you'll learn new things about yourself. I changed a lot after my mum passed. I knew when she was sick that things were never going to be the same again, and it was good in a way to realise just how strong I can be. Right now I have been feeling particularly weak, vulnerable and pathetic but I keep thinking back to that period and reminding myself that I have been through something much worse and trying to remember the perspective I had at that period because when you see someone die you understand what is truly important in life. It is really common for people to lose friends when their parents pass. It makes sense - it's such a difficult period, you really find out who your real friends are. The loneliness is the worst thing to deal with (I'm still trying to deal with it). But I guess this is the final stage of growing up and really having to be independent - understanding that we are alone in this world, and figuring out how to deal with that. But it is something that everyone has to go through sooner or later, so you aren't so alone. All we can hope for is to meet someone else who understands what we've been through, and who will treat us better than we have been treated in the past.
Author mishy Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Hi mishy- It's ok, it's good for me to talk about this with someone else as well. I think I had the same problem as you - I also really value my friends and invest a lot of myself in friendships. When my mum got sick, I realised that I'd always been there for my friends. I had about three best friends who I always prioritised, always was there for. It was a bit of an awful shock to realise that when I was in trouble, they couldn't be there for me. And a shock to realise that all the investment I'd made wasn't going to pay off for me. And yes, the loneliness was awful. I felt really isolated and it was tough having to deal with everything by myself, without having anyone else to rely on. But in the long run, it is better. It was really difficult but I'm glad I had that clearing out period and didn't waste any more time on people who weren't contributing anything to my life. And difficult as it is, you'll learn new things about yourself. I changed a lot after my mum passed. I knew when she was sick that things were never going to be the same again, and it was good in a way to realise just how strong I can be. Right now I have been feeling particularly weak, vulnerable and pathetic but I keep thinking back to that period and reminding myself that I have been through something much worse and trying to remember the perspective I had at that period because when you see someone die you understand what is truly important in life. It is really common for people to lose friends when their parents pass. It makes sense - it's such a difficult period, you really find out who your real friends are. The loneliness is the worst thing to deal with (I'm still trying to deal with it). But I guess this is the final stage of growing up and really having to be independent - understanding that we are alone in this world, and figuring out how to deal with that. But it is something that everyone has to go through sooner or later, so you aren't so alone. All we can hope for is to meet someone else who understands what we've been through, and who will treat us better than we have been treated in the past. One of these friends of mine, I had always been there for her when she had a lot of bad dramas with her family, when she was living with me, and she brought all this drama and trouble into my house. She was the one who abandoned me because her ex was friends with my male friend. Anyway i was always there for her- and you know, she was the one person who should have known better - she was a SOCIAL WORKER..... shocking. But honestly i think she just didnt have the life experience to deal with it, in fact i dont even think she should be a social worker. In the last couple of days i have been contemplating a relationship with someone I have met. And ive been thinking about what you said about how i am in no condition to deal with one. And i agree . The situation with this guy is that he works overseas for one month and then returns home for one month.This will be going on until the end of 2009. On the one hand im thinking it would allow me to get stronger on my own when he is away, and not rely on him too much. I dont know. But really I probably just need to be on my own. What you were saying about having changed after your mum died- I wonder if I have. My mum always said i was really strong - and she said it after dad died. But i had no idea how strong i had to be. So i am probably stronger,and maybe a little less trusting.
pigeonsid Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Only you can know what is best for you. I dont' know how much you need this guy to be in your life right now. If that's what is going to help you get through this time, then go for it. But as I said before - it is really important to take the time and space to go through the grieving process, and there is deep emotional pain that no boyfriend is going to be able to take away. Plus, just be aware that if you are using this guy as a crutch (and God knows, we all need them sometimes) then eventually, you are going to have to lose him and that in itself will cause fresh pain. I had a good rebound to help me get over my ex and even though I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to become something - and even though we both made sure that there were never any expectations that it could develop into something - it still was awful to finally decide to step away from the rebound and get out of what was going to become a very weird and screwed up type of relationship. I mean - I needed him for a couple of months - he was the only thng that got me through those couple of months, but now that I am stronger I know I need to be on my own and work on my stuff. Ultimately, I want to have a really good relationship and to have my own family, and for that family to have a loving and supporting environment. I know that isn't going to happen while I'm still such an emotional wreck, because any man who has the same goal of me would stay clear. (Just like how, right now, I would steer clear of any guy I met who was as unhappy and such an emotional mess as I am!) I don't know if I'm making sense, but I guess I just want to warn you of what may lie ahead. Also, know that right now you are grieving and emotional and not really capable of making good choices because you're not thinking straight. I think that's why they always say give yourself time before getting into a relationship because when you're vulnerable, you're more likely to end up in an unhealthy relationship that isn't good for you in the long-run. But then again, I don't know the guy you've met, and I don't really know what you need in your life right now. And as for your friend who is a social worker - people play different roles in their jobs. I have the most amazing therapist - she really is so insightful and wise and I admire her so much. But she's divorced, so I guess all her insight into relationships didn't really help her in the end either! Trust is another issue, but I think that if you just give it time, it will come back. I went through a very disillusioned stage for a while but then I saw how some of my friends (people who I hadn't valued before and didn't think I was that close to) really came through to me, and I have met such wonderful people since that time - not everyone is bad. Although, when you are going through such a big period of change as you are, it's sometimes difficult to see that.
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