Phateless Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 And she didn't feel comfortable with having sex for those reasons. And great sex doesn't always happen with one drunk person and one sober person errr where does it go :lmao: LOL!! good point.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Okay Nu - if you were sleeping with a girl who you weren't in a serious relationship with, and she started making a habit of just calling you for sex after getting drunk, what would you make of that? OP's guy hasn't made a habit of it yet - however, OP wanted to prevent that before it happened. She likes the guy, wants it to go somewhere other then drunk sex. She sets the boundaries so they can continue having a healthy dating relationship, to lead to a healthy serious relationship. She is preventing herself from becoming a booty call.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 LOL!! good point. "That's my belly button!" ... "Sh*t I guess I shouldn't have had those last 4 shots of tequila" Now... two drunk people can equal great sex - especially if they've both been out together
Cobra_X30 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 And not every girl handles being called upon for sex at bar time the same way. As always - it works both ways. I don't think any of it is a big deal, for him wanting it, and for her denying it. It doesn't sound like he expects her to MAKE UP for it either. Hmmm.... I didn't catch... was this guy rude or crass about it? Typically it's best to be straight about what you want... but sometimes a little innuendo goes a long way. I'm undecided as to which needs to be more delicate, the requester or the rejector. My natural inclination goes to the latter... as rejection can typically have more lasting effects.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Hmmm.... I didn't catch... was this guy rude or crass about it? Typically it's best to be straight about what you want... but sometimes a little innuendo goes a long way. I'm undecided as to which needs to be more delicate, the requester or the rejector. My natural inclination goes to the latter... as rejection can typically have more lasting effects. Yeah a rejection can have lasting effects, however, if the rejection had valid reasons behind it, the rejected should be mature enough to understand why - which I think this guy did.
NuTuDating Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Okay Nu - if you were sleeping with a girl who you weren't in a serious relationship with, and she started making a habit of just calling you for sex after getting drunk, what would you make of that? I'd be having lots of sex. But that's just me. And the OP didn't say that this had become a habbit, but I suppose you can make your own assumptions about how he will act in the future. I'm just presenting the other side, for what it's worth. I've been out drinking and have called someone before, too. I'm not advocating that she turn into his sex-on-demand slave. Just consider that he might actually like this girl. That doesn't seem to be part of the possibilities you girls are considering. Obviously, she needs to talk to this guy about it. The rest is just speculation as to what kind of guy he is because he's not here to defend himself. OP's guy hasn't made a habit of it yet - however, OP wanted to prevent that before it happened. She likes the guy, wants it to go somewhere other then drunk sex. She sets the boundaries so they can continue having a healthy dating relationship, to lead to a healthy serious relationship. She is preventing herself from becoming a booty call. She wants to prevent it before it happens, then she needs to talk to him about it, not us. You gals post as if drunk sex and relationships are mutually exclusive. Sure, she should be careful with her feelings, but she HAS already slept with the guy. She's free to set up all the boundaries she wants, but those may have consequences, that's all.
Kamille Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'm not advocating that she turn into his sex-on-demand slave. Just consider that he might actually like this girl. That doesn't seem to be part of the possibilities you girls are considering. Quoting myself from post 4: he was honest: he wanted your company Now, it sounds to me like he was honest too. He apologized but maintained that he wanted your company. It is part of the possibilities we are considering.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'd be having lots of sex. But that's just me. And the OP didn't say that this had become a habbit, but I suppose you can make your own assumptions about how he will act in the future. I'm just presenting the other side, for what it's worth. I've been out drinking and have called someone before, too. I'm not advocating that she turn into his sex-on-demand slave. Just consider that he might actually like this girl. That doesn't seem to be part of the possibilities you girls are considering. Obviously, she needs to talk to this guy about it. The rest is just speculation as to what kind of guy he is because he's not here to defend himself. She wants to prevent it before it happens, then she needs to talk to him about it, not us. You gals post as if drunk sex and relationships are mutually exclusive. Sure, she should be careful with her feelings, but she HAS already slept with the guy. She's free to set up all the boundaries she wants, but those may have consequences, that's all. I wasn't making an assumption - as stated with what I followed that with. IMO if you're okay with just being a drunk sex call - then you're not looking for a serious relationship. However, I think OP is - and she's justified to making sure it doesn't lead to something other then that while vesting time and emotion into what she has now. We know she's already slept with the guy - that's been well established. However, we know that it's been sex that wasn't started by a bar time call. There's a difference, more so when you aren't in a relationship.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Yeah a rejection can have lasting effects, however, if the rejection had valid reasons behind it, the rejected should be mature enough to understand why - which I think this guy did. Naw, she said he seemed embarrassed. That's bad news! Time to do some perception management! There is good rejection and bad rejection.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 It is part of the possibilities we are considering. Right - I know I said multiple times that it doesn't sound like he just wants her for sex , but when he called her up at bar time, it showed flags that it could have lead to that.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Naw, she said he seemed embarrassed. That's bad news! Time to do some perception management! There is good rejection and bad rejection. If he didn't feel as though she was valid with her concerns, I doubt that he would have continued contact with her.
Cobra_X30 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 If he didn't feel as though she was valid with her concerns, I doubt that he would have continued contact with her. I'd say it's more likely that he feels bad for asking, because he really likes her. Therefore wont ask as much in the future... and will subsequently be more sensitive to further rejections.
dreamergrl Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'd say it's more likely that he feels bad for asking, because he really likes her. Therefore wont ask as much in the future... and will subsequently be more sensitive to further rejections. Maybe, but not for sure... if he truly likes her (which I agree he does) I think as things progress that can be easily turned around.
NuTuDating Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I wasn't making an assumption - as stated with what I followed that with. IMO if you're okay with just being a drunk sex call - then you're not looking for a serious relationship. However, I think OP is - and she's justified to making sure it doesn't lead to something other then that while vesting time and emotion into what she has now. See? You say in one breath that you are considering the possibilities, then say that drunken sex calls cannot equal a serious relationship. That's just bull5hit.
Author Little Shy Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 (edited) Hey everyone, thanks for all the responses, all of them have been very helpful. Here is a little bit of clarification on the issue, and also a bit more back history about both of us. Perhaps this will change some advice, or make some clarification: 1. He didn't call me at bar time (2:00ish) he called he at 10:00ish wanting to know if I could join him. But then, by the time I got back to him, he was too drunk, wanted to go home & said, "Are you coming over?" Time in consideration or not, he was definitely lit up like a Christmas tree. 2. I WAS going only with my gut on this...the way he was texting me, all jumbled and kind of aggressive/negative, was a way I have NEVER seen him act before. Maybe the texting made things seem worse, I don't know. All I know is, it struck me as just no, don't go over there now. He is just way drunk! And since I feel like I was getting a sharp stab in the gut on this one, I reacted a little defensively, or as some think, appropriately. 3. I would have LOVED to have sex with him that night if he was acting more normal. A little more about him: VERY colorful past sexual history. He used to be a swinger. Likes bi-sexual girls & dates them as well. Not sure if he has EVER had a monogomous relationship, as him & his ex wife were swingers. Otherwise, very, very sweet guy, treats me like gold. A little more about me: I can go long periods of time without sex (although I really hate it!) when there is no one around that peaks my interest. When I start having sex with someone I am really attracted too, I develop a nimpho streak. I am not trying to be funny here. And, as a result of this, in the past, my decisions with partners have been known to get clouded because I want the sex so bad, maybe even more than they do. So, Nu To Dating, you would be so VERY wrong to think I was the type of girl that would dry a guy out to get control of him. I just have to try & control myself (!) from making the same dumb ass decisions everytime, and to go running over at all hours to get laid, because it has NOT worked for me in the past, i.e,: no development of LTR's when I act this way, and cannot control my sexual urges. So, anyway the new development is this: He has been very sweet to me by phone since, everything seems normal. Today we discussed meeting up tonight, although it would be late, because we both have night work. To which he said, "I would like to ask you over, but I am afraid that you will be mad at me because of the other night. LOL" I am dying to see him to, and I know we will also hang out & get quality daytime stuff in on Sat., and also likely go out proper on Sat. night as well, as that is our pattern. My concerns, all things considered in this situation, is really, can this guy ever become monogomous. I know he is that way with me now, but this may be situational. What about for a future. This, I think I may have to discuss with him soon. Thoughts? Edited March 28, 2008 by Little Shy
NuTuDating Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 So, anyway the new development is this: He has been very sweet to me by phone since, everything seems normal. Today we discussed meeting up tonight, although it would be late, because we both have night work. To which he said, "I would like to ask you over, but I am afraid that you will be mad at me because of the other night. LOL" I am dying to see him to, and I know we will also hang out & get quality daytime stuff in on Sat., and also likely go out proper on Sat. night as well, as that is our pattern. My concerns, all things considered in this situation, is really, can this guy ever become monogomous. I know he is that way with me now, but this may be situational. What about for a future. This, I think I may have to discuss with him soon. Thoughts? As far as the monogomy goes, ask him. We don't know the answer to that. Although his responses pretty much validate everything I've been saying all along.
Author Little Shy Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 So, just to reiterate here, there is a bit of a worrisome combo of people here...here is my concern: Once who has a history of being extremely liberal, not really checking out much monogomy (unless I am wrong, and I too am afraid of that word so I subconsciously spell it wrong all the time) and a person who has a history of being cheated on, and like many other women, used for sex. So, it's a concern for me. Sometimes I think it must be just dandy to be a swinger. You don't give a rats ass if your other has others, he does not care if you do, Perfect! But I'm just not wired that way.
Advocate's Devilette Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Ugh, now that you have shared more about him, he sounds like a creep. You're never going to get a monogamous relationship out of him, sorry.
Kamille Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 So, just to reiterate here, there is a bit of a worrisome combo of people here...here is my concern: Once who has a history of being extremely liberal, not really checking out much monogomy (unless I am wrong, and I too am afraid of that word so I subconsciously spell it wrong all the time) and a person who has a history of being cheated on, and like many other women, used for sex. So, it's a concern for me. Sometimes I think it must be just dandy to be a swinger. You don't give a rats ass if your other has others, he does not care if you do, Perfect! But I'm just not wired that way. Well, since you know he was a swinger, have you discussed how he feels about monogamy at all?
Author Little Shy Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Hi Kamille, Sigh! No. I have put the "feelers" out so to speak. I have been fearful of jumping the gun on this conversation, because I feel it is too early to have the talk. And, I feel, that if I asked him his thoughts on monogamy, might as well just get into the talk, cause it would be obvious that is what I was getting to. He knows my history is more conservative than his, and we have stated that we will have to be honest with one another, if there is a desire to sleep with someone else. I asked him, "are you capable of being honest about that, or do you think you might just go for it, and not tell me?" I said, because you know, I value the health of my VG, and I don't want to be running to the Dr. every month. FYI, I did run to the Dr. after a couple weeks of seeing him, after he dropped the bomb about his swinger past. Just to get checked out, ya know? He said, no, we are sleeping together, I know you value your body & health, and so I would tell you.
NuTuDating Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Hi Kamille, Sigh! No. I have put the "feelers" out so to speak. I have been fearful of jumping the gun on this conversation, because I feel it is too early to have the talk. No offense Little Shy, but if you've slept with him, I wouldn't think it's too early for the talk. Especially if he wants to sleep with you again.
Kamille Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Hi Kamille, Sigh! No. I have put the "feelers" out so to speak. I have been fearful of jumping the gun on this conversation, because I feel it is too early to have the talk. And, I feel, that if I asked him his thoughts on monogamy, might as well just get into the talk, cause it would be obvious that is what I was getting to. He knows my history is more conservative than his, and we have stated that we will have to be honest with one another, if there is a desire to sleep with someone else. I asked him, "are you capable of being honest about that, or do you think you might just go for it, and not tell me?" I said, because you know, I value the health of my VG, and I don't want to be running to the Dr. every month. FYI, I did run to the Dr. after a couple weeks of seeing him, after he dropped the bomb about his swinger past. Just to get checked out, ya know? He said, no, we are sleeping together, I know you value your body & health, and so I would tell you. My motto is that if a guy sees "relationship traps" in every conversation, then he's not looking for a relationship to start out with, and it is best you find out sooner rather then later. That being said, I am not advocating having the talk, but it seems to me you shouldn't have qualms about bringing up the topic of what monogamy means to him. You say yourself that you feel it's too early for the talk but it's kind of clear that you're more and more invested in this guy, hence the worry that you might not be on the same page about monogamy. Right now, the way I see it, you have two choices: 1)take some time to focus on other things (gym, girlfriends, etc) to step away from the "I need to know where this is going" feeling or 2)have 'the talk'. I personnally would chose number one: I prefer finding strenght in myself to forcing things. And I wouldn't be afraid to bring it up monogamy. Your both adults - you should be able to have mature conversations.
Author Little Shy Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 No offense Little Shy, but if you've slept with him, I wouldn't think it's too early for the talk. Especially if he wants to sleep with you again. No offense taken, and honestly, I am surprised you said this. I just want to be a confident, secure person around him, and not a insecure, jealous type of girl. I have been told by many friends that I seem to exude confidence, in my words, my dress & appearance, and interactions with others. But I feel like a sniveling needy chick when it comes to bringing up "the talk" with any guy. In a non direct kind of way, he brought up his opinion on this I guess, he said, I will always be nothing but nice to you, unless you freak out & do something weird. The second time he said that, I said, you need to explain what something weird is! And he said, "like say, for instance, I came by your house & you were having sex with some other guy." Maybe I should have brought it up then. More recent was the conversation I mentioned in the previous post, when we said we would be "honest" with one another about any action with other parters.
NuTuDating Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 No offense taken, and honestly, I am surprised you said this. I just want to be a confident, secure person around him, and not a insecure, jealous type of girl. I think you can be confident and still have the talk, but that's just me. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know if someone you are involved with is sleeping with or seeing someone else. I did get a little defensive of the guy because the other women here seem to regard "booty calls" as degrading or a sign that someone doesn't want a "serious relationship". They're not men. They've never been a man. I've made booty calls with girls I've been in serious relationships with. It typically went something like this: 1) Me: Hey, I'm going out with some people from work, want to go? Her: No, I have X to do, you have fun. 2) Get drunk, start thinking "Man, I kind of miss her, wish she was here, want to see her, etc." 3) Call girl, "hey, want to ____" That's how it went, with me. I don't cheat, ever. I wanted a serious relationship with them, and I called them. Sure, alcohol may make it seem as if I was thinking about them as an option of last resort, but I'm telling you, honest to God, that I really wanted to be with them, and not on a one-night-stand basis. All of these women who think (and admit that they think) that "booty calls" and "serious relationships" are mutually exclusive are completely and utterly full of 5hit. That said, your initial post did not contain any details about his history. And while that's a separate issue, it's pertinent. Talk to him. You can do this without being clingy or insecure. Make it clear that you want a monogamous relationship and that he'd be missing out if he chooses otherwise!
Kamille Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Sorry for this off-topic, but please NutuDating, could you stop giving us false intentions and actually listen to us? Or are you too far out of the Matrix to actually be able to not read women's posts as ennemy posts? You know, we're actually saying pretty much the same thing you are, only since we aren't out to defend a whole gender, we also took the time to understand Little Shy's concerns (instead of reading them as purely irrational). I did get a little defensive of the guy because the other women here seem to regard "booty calls" as degrading or a sign that someone doesn't want a "serious relationship". They're not men. They've never been a man. No one is trying to degrade this guy. Post number 37 OP - With that, I don't think this guy is out to do that, as he did ask you to join him at the bar as well, not just come over after. I think he just wanted to spend time with you. I'm sure all is fine - and if you're feeling weird about it, just talk to him. Post 3: I am a fan of the booty call, when it is properly executed. Post 38 Now, if they were officially a couple, a booty call would be cute, fun, and exciting. Post 62 I don't blame him for wanting sex, but I don't blame her for being uncertain about getting called up for it at bar time.
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