somedude81 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Hey all I'm new here. I found out about this place from another board. Anyways I'm 25 and I've been single forever. Because of that I'm way behind where a guy my age should be in regards to women. Basically I know next to nothing about girls. Somehow I've never figured out how to attract girls. So here I am 25, never had been in a relationship, desperate to get a girl and without a clue on how to do it. Stupidly I fell for a girl in one of my college classes. The stupidest thing about is that she is in a LDR, her BF is cross country. Originally I had no plans to get a crush on her. She's an amazingly beautiful girl and I originally wanted to talk to her so I can get practice socializing with girls and getting over the fear of really cute girls. It's not uncommon for me to fall for a girl based solely on her looks but when I actually started to get to know her and notice the things we have in common, I saw that she wasn't just hot, that she had a great personality also. It didn't take long for me to screw up and start wanting her as a GF. I thought that the fact that she is in a LDR with somebody thousands of miles away should make her an easy target. Unfortunately I don't have any skills with girls and the closest I've gone to her was frequent but shallow conversations whenever we were in class. Eventually she started getting nicer and nicer to me and even gave me pet name. As time was passing (about 4 months) I was getting closer to actually asking her out or at least suggesting that we do something together. Then one day she snapped. She started acting cold towards me, wouldn't say hi to me anymore and basically stopped talking to me. My only guess is that she somehow found out that I like her and she won't have any of that. I didn't and still don't have a clue on what happened or how to fix it. After a month of us basically ignoring each other something odd happened one day. I was sitting down and there were a few empty desks around me. She walked in with a friend and her friend sat two desks away to my right. Which meant that if she wanted to sit next to her friend she would have to sit in the desk next to me. Instead of just sitting down she actually just stood there and kind of walked back and forth. A girl said something like “pick a seat” and the girl I’m interested in said something like “the kid bothers me.” I’m 90% sure that she was talking about me. The girl who told her to sit asked who and then the other girl said, “nothing.” I didn’t say anything. I thought about asking her, who was bothering her but I didn’t have the guts. Her friend got up and took the seat next to me and she sat down in the now empty seat. The thought that I was actually bothering her crushed me. I don’t even know how I could be bothering her when we haven’t talked in a month. I went home that day thinking that all hope was lost. The next day was more of the same ignoring each other. She got out of class early. When I was walking to my car I saw her driving towards me. I told myself to ignore her, then she waves and I wave back. I don’t have a clue why she bothered to wave. I thought she hated me. Basically I don’t have a clue what is going on. I’ve given up all hope of getting her but I don’t like the thought of going through my experiences with her without learning a thing from it. Is there any way for me to do any repairs or should not even bother. School is out at the end of May and I don't want to spend two more months of what ever is going on.
Rise Against Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Basically I know next to nothing about girls. Somehow I've never figured out how to attract girls. ;)One thing -- HAVE FAITH!! From what you write, you seem like an unconfident man!! So here I am 25, never had been in a relationship, desperate to get a girl and without a clue on how to do it. Being desperate is a huge turn-off! Which also represents you are unconfident! Personally, I would ditch her (girls that think they are superior because of there popularity, looks, etc.), there are plenty of beautiful and nice girls in this world (especially since you are in university/college) and by her actions, before she ignored you, she only sees you as a friend (and nothing more)... Truly, if you do not want to endure in this anymore, well you are just going to have to ignore her. And I don't see why asking her out would of been a problem.
Author somedude81 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 ;)One thing -- HAVE FAITH!! From what you write, you seem like an unconfident man!! Being desperate is a huge turn-off! Which also represents you are unconfident! Heh, I not only seem like an unconfident man I am one. It's one of the major issues that I deal with in my life. As for having faith, I just can't believe in myself and hope it all works out. Thats how I got where I am today. As for me being desperate. I really don't think anybody can actually see that I'm desperate. I don't go around telling people (in real life) that I'm desperate. Personally, I would ditch her (girls that think they are superior because of there popularity, looks, etc.), there are plenty of beautiful and nice girls in this world (especially since you are in university/college) and by her actions, before she ignored you, she only sees you as a friend (and nothing more)... Truly, if you do not want to endure in this anymore, well you are just going to have to ignore her. And I don't see why asking her out would of been a problem. The problem was that she was a beautiful and nice girl but I did something to change that. So back when she was nice, she saw me as nothing more than a friend? I know she hasn't shown any obvious signs of interest. But no girl has so I guess I misinterpret friendliness as minor interest. I wish there was another path besides ignoring her. I got two months left of seeing her three times a week. I know the time will pass but it will not be enjoyable. As for asking her out. Would it have been ok even though she was in a LDR. I was playing the waiting game and hoping that they would break up. But annoying that hasn't happened.
Winfield Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 As for asking her out. Would it have been ok even though she was in a LDR. I was playing the waiting game and hoping that they would break up. But annoying that hasn't happened. And thankfully, for you, you didn't! At least you got to see how she can be (ie, acting weird) before taking the plunge to ask her out... I'd leave her well alone - of course, I wouldn't ignore her if she spoke / waved, etc (well, it would be rude not to reply - but most of all, by speaking when spoken to, you're maintaining the moral high ground), although I wouldn't initiate any conversation with her... Aren't there any other people you're friendly with from the class? Why not sit beside / talk to them instead?
Author somedude81 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Well I guess it was a good thing to see how she acts in different situations. That actually give me the idea for a new thread. I know she doesn't like me, and I guess her ignoring me was how she reacts to guys that like her. I'm sure I'm not the first guy thats fallen for her. So I shouldn't even bother trying to initiate a conversation with her? As for talking to other people. I'm not trying to make friends, I'm trying to get a girl. In this class she's the only cute girl.
Winfield Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 So I shouldn't even bother trying to initiate a conversation with her? Why waste your time? She's shown her true colours, so to speak - why be her doormat to massage her ego? As for talking to other people. I'm not trying to make friends, I'm trying to get a girl. In this class she's the only cute girl. Ah, the "cute girl" trap! Believe me, not all "cute girls" are as angelic as they appear! I'm not saying you have to make friends with other girls in your class, but through a little bit of light-hearted conversation, well, you never know...you might find you've more in common with a girl you never even previously considered as dating material...
fishtaco Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Why waste your time? She's shown her true colours, so to speak - why be her doormat to massage her ego? Exactly. Problem is we all have limited resources. You have to find out where to best spend them. If you keep hanging around her, you're not getting the chance to mix and socialize with other women. If you just want to be friends with her then that's fine, you're just doing friendship thing. But if you're interested in her, but instead wasting your time/attention/effort on her doing friend stuff, then you are just throwing those resources down the drain. You are in school, perfect time to meet women. You won't get another chance like that to have such a social pool to meet women later in life. Go out and meet women. Try to meet enough women to get 10 phone numbers. And ask each one of them out on a date. You should get at the very least a date or two out of those numbers. Remember, if you don't have a phone number/date that doesn't mean you suck, it just means you haven't tried enough times. I guarantee you, once you've gotten 10 numbers, and 2 dates, even if they all dead-ended, you'll be at a much better place than right now, because the next 10 numbers and 2 dates will come much easier. And don't treat it like it's a big deal because it's not. If you're kick back about it, it'll make everyone feel more comfortable. And plus if you do screw up, you can just shrug an walk away. If you're too intense about it, then all the stress, disappointment and all that can get magnified.
Author somedude81 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Hmm, I haven't even considered her ego. Do girls even have those? I would only waste my time because I have that thought of how it could be. But I know that I can't get her. I wish I could tell myself to stop liking her. As for other girls. There are a couple of plain-ish girls. I guess I should start talking to them. Beggars can't be choosers right?
Author somedude81 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Exactly. Problem is we all have limited resources. You have to find out where to best spend them. If you keep hanging around her, you're not getting the chance to mix and socialize with other women. If you just want to be friends with her then that's fine, you're just doing friendship thing. But if you're interested in her, but instead wasting your time/attention/effort on her doing friend stuff, then you are just throwing those resources down the drain. I don't hang out with her. I only talk to her during class and a while ago we used to walk to the parking lot together. So we've spend very little time together. You are in school, perfect time to meet women. You won't get another chance like that to have such a social pool to meet women later in life. Go out and meet women. Try to meet enough women to get 10 phone numbers. And ask each one of them out on a date. You should get at the very least a date or two out of those numbers. Remember, if you don't have a phone number/date that doesn't mean you suck, it just means you haven't tried enough times. I guarantee you, once you've gotten 10 numbers, and 2 dates, even if they all dead-ended, you'll be at a much better place than right now, because the next 10 numbers and 2 dates will come much easier. And don't treat it like it's a big deal because it's not. If you're kick back about it, it'll make everyone feel more comfortable. And plus if you do screw up, you can just shrug an walk away. If you're too intense about it, then all the stress, disappointment and all that can get magnified. Meeting women and getting there phone numbers are two very different things. I've never really had the guts to get a girls phone number. It seems like a too obvious indicator of interest and I don't like girls knowing that I like them. It has never worked out for me. I guess I was trying to build a friendship first then we just naturally hook up. Guess I've been watching too much tv and movies.
fishtaco Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Meeting women and getting there phone numbers are two very different things. I've never really had the guts to get a girls phone number. It seems like a too obvious indicator of interest and I don't like girls knowing that I like them. It has never worked out for me. I guess I was trying to build a friendship first then we just naturally hook up. Guess I've been watching too much tv and movies. Gee, what a surprise. If you don't show girls you want to date them, how can you manage to date anyone? It's like I'm hungry, but every time you bring me food I act like I don't want any. Doesn't make sense does it? Also building a friendship first does not work because: 1) Once you become a woman's friend, it's really difficult to get out of that zone 2) Once you become friends, you have to consider what your actions will cause to the friendship, it makes things complicated 3) Some women will get mad at you for "using" friendship as the bait to get close to them. Make friends with some playas and observe what they do. They act like they want EVERY woman around them. They're always chatting up women, always flirting. I'm not saying you have to be a playa, but they obviously know what they're doing, copy some of their techniques. I'd say for you step one is to learn to show interest. Then step two is to learn how to show interest without appearing desperate. Step three is to learn how to show interest while having a I-can-take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Then optional step four is if you can get women while treating them like dirt, then you are the master. Like I said, step four is optional, something that personally I won't try, but if you could pull it off I'd shake your hand.
MexicanBillBacker Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Gee, what a surprise. If you don't show girls you want to date them, how can you manage to date anyone? It's like I'm hungry, but every time you bring me food I act like I don't want any. Doesn't make sense does it? Also building a friendship first does not work because: 1) Once you become a woman's friend, it's really difficult to get out of that zone 2) Once you become friends, you have to consider what your actions will cause to the friendship, it makes things complicated 3) Some women will get mad at you for "using" friendship as the bait to get close to them. Make friends with some playas and observe what they do. They act like they want EVERY woman around them. They're always chatting up women, always flirting. I'm not saying you have to be a playa, but they obviously know what they're doing, copy some of their techniques. I'd say for you step one is to learn to show interest. Then step two is to learn how to show interest without appearing desperate. Step three is to learn how to show interest while having a I-can-take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Then optional step four is if you can get women while treating them like dirt, then you are the master. Like I said, step four is optional, something that personally I won't try, but if you could pull it off I'd shake your hand. This guy is playing AAA ball and you are teaching him Manny Ramirez ball You gotta take it easy one step at a time I used to be in your same boat. I'm 17 right now but I suffered from the same self esteem issues you faced a couple years ago. The key to it is to meet new friends, I mean guy friends. Get a cool pozee where you feel appreciated I used to be one of the nerdiest guys at school and when HS started I started hanging out with the popular kids. Being with kids much more experienced than me and mature made me learn their tricks of the game and now I'm one of them. For the 1st time in my life I'm dating a great girl and feel pretty confident about it 1st get some friends that appreciate you then the girls will come naturally This girl doesn't seem like much just ignore that ****ing bitch. She doesn't deserve your attention And remember pussy money weed pussy money weed
heartoutside Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 This guy is playing AAA ball and you are teaching him Manny Ramirez ball You gotta take it easy one step at a time I used to be in your same boat. I'm 17 right now but I suffered from the same self esteem issues you faced a couple years ago. The key to it is to meet new friends, I mean guy friends. Get a cool pozee where you feel appreciated I used to be one of the nerdiest guys at school and when HS started I started hanging out with the popular kids. Being with kids much more experienced than me and mature made me learn their tricks of the game and now I'm one of them. For the 1st time in my life I'm dating a great girl and feel pretty confident about it 1st get some friends that appreciate you then the girls will come naturally This girl doesn't seem like much just ignore that ****ing bitch. She doesn't deserve your attention And remember pussy money weed pussy money weed AH, spoken like a true 17 year old! Once you move out of your parents house it will become; money, money, money.......the rest will just fall into place. Although he is right about the friends, only for the wrong reasons. Having a good group of friends will help you build your confidence back up.
lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Hey all I'm new here. I found out about this place from another board. Anyways I'm 25 and I've been single forever. Because of that I'm way behind where a guy my age should be in regards to women. Basically I know next to nothing about girls. Somehow I've never figured out how to attract girls. So here I am 25, never had been in a relationship, desperate to get a girl and without a clue on how to do it. Stupidly I fell for a girl in one of my college classes. The stupidest thing about is that she is in a LDR, her BF is cross country. Originally I had no plans to get a crush on her. She's an amazingly beautiful girl and I originally wanted to talk to her so I can get practice socializing with girls and getting over the fear of really cute girls. It's not uncommon for me to fall for a girl based solely on her looks but when I actually started to get to know her and notice the things we have in common, I saw that she wasn't just hot, that she had a great personality also. It didn't take long for me to screw up and start wanting her as a GF. I thought that the fact that she is in a LDR with somebody thousands of miles away should make her an easy target. Unfortunately I don't have any skills with girls and the closest I've gone to her was frequent but shallow conversations whenever we were in class. Eventually she started getting nicer and nicer to me and even gave me pet name. As time was passing (about 4 months) I was getting closer to actually asking her out or at least suggesting that we do something together. Then one day she snapped. She started acting cold towards me, wouldn't say hi to me anymore and basically stopped talking to me. My only guess is that she somehow found out that I like her and she won't have any of that. I didn't and still don't have a clue on what happened or how to fix it. After a month of us basically ignoring each other something odd happened one day. I was sitting down and there were a few empty desks around me. She walked in with a friend and her friend sat two desks away to my right. Which meant that if she wanted to sit next to her friend she would have to sit in the desk next to me. Instead of just sitting down she actually just stood there and kind of walked back and forth. A girl said something like “pick a seat” and the girl I’m interested in said something like “the kid bothers me.” I’m 90% sure that she was talking about me. The girl who told her to sit asked who and then the other girl said, “nothing.” I didn’t say anything. I thought about asking her, who was bothering her but I didn’t have the guts. Her friend got up and took the seat next to me and she sat down in the now empty seat. The thought that I was actually bothering her crushed me. I don’t even know how I could be bothering her when we haven’t talked in a month. I went home that day thinking that all hope was lost. The next day was more of the same ignoring each other. She got out of class early. When I was walking to my car I saw her driving towards me. I told myself to ignore her, then she waves and I wave back. I don’t have a clue why she bothered to wave. I thought she hated me. Basically I don’t have a clue what is going on. I’ve given up all hope of getting her but I don’t like the thought of going through my experiences with her without learning a thing from it. Is there any way for me to do any repairs or should not even bother. School is out at the end of May and I don't want to spend two more months of what ever is going on. She has a boyfriend so there is no chance of you and her gettign together most likely, no matter whether he is across the country or not- she is not single. She probbalty didn't want you to think that there were feelings from her side (whether or not there was) and see get your heart broken...so she played distant for a while. B/c the more she catered to you, the more your feelings would develop...if that makes any kind of sense. She wanted to let you down slowly than to build you up and drag you down rapidly.
lovestruck818 Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 And how old is is this girl? Also is it undergrad or grad school? B/c no offense or anything, but I would not want to date a 25 year old who is still in undergrad...
MexicanBillBacker Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 AH, spoken like a true 17 year old! Once you move out of your parents house it will become; money, money, money.......the rest will just fall into place. Although he is right about the friends, only for the wrong reasons. Having a good group of friends will help you build your confidence back up. :cool:
yongyong Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 don't you think it's funny that girls used to be nice to you and when she finds out you like her, she becomes damn cold?? This is the reality.........man you threw too much IOIs (indication of interests) even before she developed her feelings towards you. If you treated her just like other biatches (why the hell is she so special?) and gave her attitude of 'I don't give a damn' , the result would be whole lot different You are desperate? think about desperate sales guy who beggs you 'please help me out'
Chinook Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 hey hey hey, wait a minute here.. you guys are all theorising on what you 'think' is happening!!! No one has even spoken to the girl. Sumdude, you need to actually just pluck up the courage and SPEAK to her frankly and to the point. Underconfident or not, you cannot spend the rest of your life tying yourself in knots and second guessing what people think. She said 'that kid bothers me' because you do... you do bother her, it's likely that she likes you too and it's that which bothers her - but she has a boyfriend. You need to either speak to her and air this out and get it straight... or you need to walk away from it completely. Either way, you need to understand, she is not 'an easy target' for you to have your designs on and going after unavailable women (as it is women going for men) is an unhealthy behaviour trait which only serves to reinforce your underconfidence. My advice would be to walk away and clear the decks in your head. Just quit being near her in class or around campus. Not just avoiding her - not in the same space. Arrive at class after she does so you can choose to sit away from her. Leave class before she does so you can exit sharply from her vicinity. Focus on you... not on her.
MalachiX Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) First off, stop being nervous! I've been where you are and it's not worth it. You know why? BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE!!! You've never had a GF (or that's how you made it sound) and clearly the tactics you've used don't work. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm actually amazingly sympathetic on the inside, but I'm telling you this so you can use it as a source of power. I repeat, you have nothing to lose. When you think of it like that, it's very freeing. Think of it as a videogame. If a girl shoots you down, just reload the game and try with a different girl. I was amazingly nervous in college, not just around women but also in social situations with people I didn't know. I'd be fine in classes or places where you were expected to go but I never could take any risks. Someone would invite me to drop by their dorm room and have a bear and I'd actually spend time pacing in my own room, wondering if the invitation was sincere or if they'd be like "Oh...what are you doing here?" One time this happened with a group of people I really wanted to hang out with but I honestly couldn't find the courage to leave my room. I ended up getting drunk alone in frustration (not something I recommend). Anyway, I'm going somewhere with this (sorry for rambling): The next night, I decided that this was utterly stupid and I should approach things as though there would be no consequences. It was no longer about me doing it, it was as though I was in a videogame trying to reach the next level by socializing or just playing a part (I'd been taking acting classes) where I had to be someone smooth and cool. It worked, and it's largely how I get through a lot of social situations. I've made friends since then who I can open up to. There are only a few of them and they took time to confide in but I trust them and will let my gaurd down around them. For other situations, it doesn't matter what happens because I'm not me. I'm just playing a part and that part gets altered based on who I'm with. Mind you, I'm not saying you should deliberatly mis-represent yourself. I'm a terrible liar and always have been. My trick to social situations and acting is to find those aspects of yourself that you can use in a sincere way. This helps me in my business these days too. I have a client who is a hard-core, Fox News-watching, Republican and I'm a George-Bush-is-the-AntiChrist Democrat. But, it's not a problem. I know that they care a lot about family, which I do too, and they work very hard in their job, which is something I respect, and we go from there. All this will not just help you social situations but, of course, with women. Now that I've ranted about all that (sorry), on to this girl. I would approach it in the same mind-set that I just mentioned, one where you don't worry about the consequences. You've never hung out with this girl. Never gotten her number. Wouldn't even be considered "friends." SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? Especially if she's being cold to you. How about you give yourself a mission (once again, like a game)? Instead of worrying about if you can ever be with her or your crush, just find out why exactly she suddenly grew cold to you. You must be curious. Maybe you'll find out it's because she likes you . Maybe you'll find out it's because you smell bad . Either way, at least you'll have an answer instead of wondering for the rest of your life. Hell, don't do it for you. Do it for me! I'm curious hell now why she'd suddenly turn cold and rude. Edited April 2, 2008 by MalachiX typo
yongyong Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Say frankly what???????? 'I noticed you've been avoiding me, is it because you knew I was in love with you' WTF:laugh: If he honestly thought of her as friend and this happended, yes he should just talk to her in playful manner. hey hey hey, wait a minute here.. you guys are all theorising on what you 'think' is happening!!! No one has even spoken to the girl. Sumdude, you need to actually just pluck up the courage and SPEAK to her frankly and to the point. Underconfident or not, you cannot spend the rest of your life tying yourself in knots and second guessing what people think. She said 'that kid bothers me' because you do... you do bother her, it's likely that she likes you too and it's that which bothers her - but she has a boyfriend. You need to either speak to her and air this out and get it straight... or you need to walk away from it completely. Either way, you need to understand, she is not 'an easy target' for you to have your designs on and going after unavailable women (as it is women going for men) is an unhealthy behaviour trait which only serves to reinforce your underconfidence. My advice would be to walk away and clear the decks in your head. Just quit being near her in class or around campus. Not just avoiding her - not in the same space. Arrive at class after she does so you can choose to sit away from her. Leave class before she does so you can exit sharply from her vicinity. Focus on you... not on her.
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