Lack of Sex

[theycallmeprincess]

In reading through the various posts I've noticed that many husbands are displeased about their marriages and the number one reason for this tends to be lack of sex.

 

These men don't seem to want to leave their marriages because they love their wives and don't want to be away from their kids, so they become resentful of situation and perhaps stray, having affairs with other women.

 

My question is this: Do husbands actually leave their marriages because of the infrequent sex in the relationship?

[Lizzie60]

In reading through the various posts I've noticed that many husbands are displeased about their marriages and the number one reason for this tends to be lack of sex.

 

These men don't seem to want to leave their marriages because they love their wives and don't want to be away from their kids, so they become resentful of situation and perhaps stray, having affairs with other women.

 

My question is this: Do husbands actually leave their marriages because of the infrequent sex in the relationship?

 

Some do, some don't.. it depends on each situation, on the husband himself.. if he falls head over heels with the OW the chances are higher that he will leave.

 

Yes, lack of sex or boring sex is number one reason for cheating.. not necessarily leaving the relationship.. especially if there are kids involved.

[Curmudgeon]

My question is this: Do husbands actually leave their marriages because of the infrequent sex in the relationship?

 

I actually agree with Lizzie to a degree. Where we differ and diverge, however, is that I don't think lack of sex or "boring" sex is the #1 reason for cheating. I think it can/has to do with any one or a combination of several possible factors, as follows:

 

1. A lack of character.

2. A lack of values.

3. A lack of morals.

4. A lack of impulse control (read: WEAK!)

5. Looking for affection.

6. Needing a human touch.

7. Wanting to bolster self-esteem.

8. Got drunk!

9. Was railroaded into it.

10. Fell in lust!!!

 

So my answer to your question is that some, and I would imagine very few, men leave their marriages over issues with their sex lives, or lack thereof. But that is certainly dependent upon whether or not they truly love their wives and the reasons for the lack of "activity." It could be mental, emotional, a combination of the two, etc.

 

Now if it's because the wife has someone on the side who is fulfilling all her "needs" and she doesn't "need" her husband for that anymore, and her husband discovers it, if he doesn't leave her then he's a wuss!

[Mr. Lucky]

1. A lack of character.

2. A lack of values.

3. A lack of morals.

4. A lack of impulse control (read: WEAK!)

5. Looking for affection.

6. Needing a human touch.

7. Wanting to bolster self-esteem.

8. Got drunk!

9. Was railroaded into it.

10. Fell in lust!!!

Sounds like one of those "What happens in Vegas" weekends !!!

 

Mr. Lucky

[tommyr]

As a man who was in a sexless marriage, I feel qualified to answer YES - a husband WOULD leave his marriage because of the infrequent sex. At the time I did not realize that I could actually do something to improve the situation, so leaving looked like a great solution.

[Desperate HH]

I am currently in a sexless marriage. To be clear, it isn't just the sex, but all the intimacy that goes along with it.

 

Affair? Yes, with her knowledge, I think (I told her I would not be celibate, that I was looking, and she doesn't ask for details of what I do on weekends when we are apart)

 

So we are house-mates (she has chosen to sleep in one of the kids' rooms rather than put up with my wanting to talk, touch, kiss).

 

End the marriage? That would be easy if there were no children involved. I am not head-over-heels with somebody else, and to my knowledge neither is she. But she won't go to counseling anymore, or discuss the situation, so I suppose the handwriting is on the wall.

[smartgirl]

Sex does not exist in a vacumn - in a marriage or most any serious relationship. Sexual desire is stimulated or deadened by other things going on between the two partners. There are cases where only one of the partners develops a problem or a problem from their past (could just be emotional, not sexual) rears its head and they then find it difficult or impossible to be sexually stimulated. But my belief is that most of the time there is a problem, even if it isn't immediately obvious, in the dynamic between the two partners.

 

So while a man may leave a marriage where there was no sex, I believe it is the inability to fix the underlying problem that really causes a marriage to dissolve.

[jmargel]

For men.. sex is a way of showing/feeling love. When there is a lack of sex, then we equate that with a lack of feeling loved. That in turn will of course lead to other things such as affairs or divorce.

[Mustang Sally]

I certainly know of situations where lack of sex (of course, in addition to some of those other ill-fated and ill-timed characteristics Curm has listed) has led a man to stray from his marriage.

 

I think this is an important illustration how many men vs. women think of "SEX."

 

To many women, they think "It's just sex. Why on earth would one jeopardize their marriage, family, status, etc for SEX???"

 

To many men, they feel that sex = validation and expression that they are loved and cherished by their spouse. So, no sex = no true love/appreciation/respect/etc.

[angie2443]

Sex does not exist in a vacumn - in a marriage or most any serious relationship. Sexual desire is stimulated or deadened by other things going on between the two partners. There are cases where only one of the partners develops a problem or a problem from their past (could just be emotional, not sexual) rears its head and they then find it difficult or impossible to be sexually stimulated. But my belief is that most of the time there is a problem, even if it isn't immediately obvious, in the dynamic between the two partners.

 

So while a man may leave a marriage where there was no sex, I believe it is the inability to fix the underlying problem that really causes a marriage to dissolve.

 

I agree completely. I think most want and enjoy sex and if it slows way sown or stops completely in a marriage, then their are proably issues of hurt and resentment underneath the surface. I think, the reason why lack of sex is blamed for the problems, though, is that it is easiar to notice than the problems that are causing the couple to grow distant from each other.

[BigJ]

There's a huge difference between "I'm willing to have sex with you" and "I want you right now". My friends who are married often report that after a few years their wives attitude changes from the second to the first.

 

No guy wants duty-sex.

 

So they (again, sometimes) find themselves in a place where they can have unenthusiastic sex with the one they love, or not. After that goes on a while the prospect of being with someone who professes to actually want them probably starts looking pretty damn good.

 

I wouldn't know as they don't discuss that aspect (the part where they are nailing the babysitter) of their lives. We are guys after all.

[Rolo Tomassi]

Is it the actual sex or the Desire for it that's at issue? It's one thing for a wife to acquiesce to sex and "just do it for him" and quite another to really have an inspired desire to enjoy it because she wants him. When sex is just another thing to do, like fold laundry, it becomes a chore. When sex is mutual, chemical, passion it's how it ought to be - inspired desire.

 

So is it desire that makes the difference?

[Mustang Sally]

BigJ -

I am interested in your opinion (and any others) on the following, then:

 

Why do you think the sex slows down after a few years? In this case, I will assign the decrease to the woman's lack of "interest," although there certainly are situations where it is the man's impetus, as well.

 

1) Because of smouldering resentments? (Such as... inequitable distribution of childcare/work/home-making responsibilities and others?)

 

2) Because of lack of physical attraction to their mate?

 

3) Because the sex wasn't/isn't that satisfying for her?

 

4) Because women are just "genetically predestined" to not want sex as much after they have ensnared their lifelong mate?

 

5) Other reasons?

[armywife83]

I certainly know of situations where lack of sex (of course, in addition to some of those other ill-fated and ill-timed characteristics Curm has listed) has led a man to stray from his marriage.

 

I think this is an important illustration how many men vs. women think of "SEX."

 

To many women, they think "It's just sex. Why on earth would one jeopardize their marriage, family, status, etc for SEX???"

 

To many men, they feel that sex = validation and expression that they are loved and cherished by their spouse. So, no sex = no true love/appreciation/respect/etc.

 

I know that for me...my husband is always saying "you don't come after me for sex like you used to" my reply is "you never come after me either"

 

 

I love sex, and I love him, I love sex with him...I just don't feel that I have to be the one to initiate it all the time...he comes home from work...sits on the couch and plays video games and hangs out with our new dog...not once do i hear "you look pretty today" or just come up and hug me for no reason...or even make me feel remotely attractive to him...so why should I initiate sex with someone who isn't attracted to me?

[Mustang Sally]

I know that for me...my husband is always saying "you don't come after me for sex like you used to" my reply is "you never come after me either"

 

 

I love sex, and I love him, I love sex with him...I just don't feel that I have to be the one to initiate it all the time...he comes home from work...sits on the couch and plays video games and hangs out with our new dog...not once do i hear "you look pretty today" or just come up and hug me for no reason...or even make me feel remotely attractive to him...so why should I initiate sex with someone who isn't attracted to me?

Sorry to hear that, Armywife.

Sounds like maybe reason #1 in my list, above...?

[a4a]

I know that for me...my husband is always saying "you don't come after me for sex like you used to" my reply is "you never come after me either"

 

 

I love sex, and I love him, I love sex with him...I just don't feel that I have to be the one to initiate it all the time...he comes home from work...sits on the couch and plays video games and hangs out with our new dog...not once do i hear "you look pretty today" or just come up and hug me for no reason...or even make me feel remotely attractive to him...so why should I initiate sex with someone who isn't attracted to me?

 

I live a similar life.

I rarely get a "you look nice" and never a sexual advance.

It is my job to initiate sex, ask for a compliment, and make sure that he is happy.

 

This sort of situation makes a person ripe for an affair.

[BigJ]

So is it desire that makes the difference?

 

The way it was related to me and the way I'd imagine it would feel are that the root is the desire but the tipping issue is they feel almost guilty about forcing or coercing their wife into sex. They love her and are happy to have the parts of the relationship that are mutually desired but at the same time they feel they have needs that their wife has no real interest in satisfying.

 

Maybe I was just hearing what I expected but that's what I got out of it.

 

 

 

I am interested in your opinion (and any others) on the following, then:

 

Why do you think the sex slows down after a few years?

 

I'm not sure, if I knew I could offer solutions to people I care about. I know that in a couple cases the guy (my brother and sister-in-law are the couple in this case) is very affectionate in public or in family settings. He clearly communicates that she is the love of his life.

 

Maybe it's not in a way women understand.

 

I haven't installed the spy-cams yet so when they are alone I have no idea.

 

 

 

I know that for me...my husband is always saying "you don't come after me for sex like you used to" my reply is "you never come after me either"

 

 

I love sex, and I love him, I love sex with him...I just don't feel that I have to be the one to initiate it all the time....

 

I know some complaints I hear. Listen to these and tell me if you're guilty.

 

- When was the last time your husband started fooling around at what you considered an inappropriate time or place and you firmly suggested he wait until later that night in bed?

 

- When was the last time you put on something sexy or dressed provocatively around the house to tease him into intimacy?

 

- How long has it been since you contemplated and communicated how much you appreciate the long hard work he does to make the family lifestyle possible?

 

- Have you used your pregnancy as an excuse to let yourself go a bit?

 

- What sort of homelife do you provide? It sounds like he is sole breadwinner, so what are YOUR duties and are you doing them well?

 

 

 

I don't mean to pick on just you, well, I do actually because he's not going to be implementing anything I write here.

 

 

 

 

 

Sort of off topic, but ....

 

It's my experience that men are really great at respecting others and communicating that by actions, and that they need and deeply appreciate being respected. Women tend to be really great at loving deeply and communicating that to others and they need to be loved and have it communicated to them.

 

Both sides need to understand what the other needs and be mindful of giving it.

 

For instance, a man needs to remember to demonstrate the love he feels in little unexpected ways and a woman generally needs to remember how important it is that she remember and appreciate the mans ongoing contributions.

[michelangelo]

It is the wife's lack of interest in sex with her husband that causes the drought in the bedroom.

 

She may not express it by roving elsewhere. she may just shut down or she may find she likes her toys better. And that cold duty sex? Yeah, she feels like it is an additional chore like mating sox.

 

But will she overtly tell you? No way!

 

But when the husband who is consistently presented with no opportunity for intimacy with their wife ends up cheating?

 

Oh, he is a bastard!

[angie2443]

BigJ -

I am interested in your opinion (and any others) on the following, then:

 

Why do you think the sex slows down after a few years? In this case, I will assign the decrease to the woman's lack of "interest," although there certainly are situations where it is the man's impetus, as well.

 

1) Because of smouldering resentments? (Such as... inequitable distribution of childcare/work/home-making responsibilities and others?)

 

2) Because of lack of physical attraction to their mate?

 

3) Because the sex wasn't/isn't that satisfying for her?

 

4) Because women are just "genetically predestined" to not want sex as much after they have ensnared their lifelong mate?

 

5) Other reasons?

 

I think #1 is a major reason, for both men and women. Both my husband and I have managed to keep our sex life pretty good. That bieng said, we've been through some rough times that created resentment in both of us. We had to work very hard at creating good moments to make up for the bad. When we were in our bad moments, filled with resentment, we made each other's skin crawl. Why would we want to be intiment then? If we hadn't cared enough to create good moments during that time, then we would've been doomed.

 

I think #2 and #3 are part of a natural tendancy that people have to take their partners for granted after awhile. When we meet a new person for a date, we usually do our best to look good, and put energy into the situation (smile, laugh, be possitive, etc). After years of marriage, many (not all) men/women stop fixing up, stop smiling big when they see their partners, and so on. They think, my partner just came in the door, but I'm to tired to get up from this couch so I'm not going to greet them with a hug/kiss. I'm just going to sit here and say hi when they come in (I know, my examples are lame, but I think they are true for many people).

 

I think many people also put less effort into sex after bieng with their partner for awhile. In two of my prior relationships, before I met my husband, the foreplay diminished after many months. The guys still wanted sex, but thought since I was "their's" and they weren't going to loose me, that they didn't have to take the time to warm me up. I'm sure this happens to both men and women.

 

I don't believe in reason #4 for a second. I do believe that there are some medical reasons that a man's or woman's libido might decrease, but do not believe that woman are "genetically predestined" to loose a certain amount of interest in sex just because they found their lifelong mate.

[theycallmeprincess]

I know of a few couples where the sex wasn't all that great even in the beginning of the relationship (according to husband), yet the man proposed and the couple got married. When asked why he proposed if sex was such a big issue, the main response I get is that their wife had all the other qualities they were looking for in a mate. Many of these men love, respect and admire their wives as their best friend and partner in life, so if all other qualities are present, does the sex really matter that much?

[Rolo Tomassi]

1) Because of smouldering resentments? (Such as... inequitable distribution of childcare/work/home-making responsibilities and others?)

 

No. I think this is a common, Oprah.com, answer for people who simply don't want to face the reality of their situation. People who want to have sex will find a way to have sex irrespective of their daily responsibilities. When we're first dating, and caught in that chemical rush of attraction, daily responsibilities and environment was never an issue. Real desire supersedes mundane responsibilities. Just ask any husband or wife who's gone to great lengths to hide an affair.

 

2) Because of lack of physical attraction to their mate?

 

Yes. I realize this is hard to stomach for most, but physicality is VERY important for both sexes. The idea that this is only limited to the man is a misnomer. Women want their men to stay in shape every bit as much as the man. I realize that this may grate against what anyone's been taught about how "it's what's on the inside that counts", but when either partner allows themselves to go slack so too goes the ability to arouse your partner as you once did. Your charming personality or wonderful heart doesn't make you look any better without your shirt on. Call that 'shallow' if you want, but how many men & women do you know who've let themselves go after marriage?

 

3) Because the sex wasn't/isn't that satisfying for her?

Possibly, but unless you saved your virginity for your spouse prior to marriage, either partner (not just the woman) has no excuse for deciding to make a life long commitment to unsatisfying sex. The possibility exists that sex became unsatisfying after marriage, but again what prompted this is open to speculation. The girl who was thrilled to give fantastic oral in public places can and sometimes does turn into the wife who'll only do it missionary once a week and never on a Sunday. However, this is indicative of a woman with an agenda, and not so much based on the actual enjoyment of the act(s). I put that in the feminine, but there are examples of the same for guys I'm sure.

 

4) Because women are just "genetically predestined" to not want sex as much after they have ensnared their lifelong mate?

 

No, but because MEN are genetically predisposed to want sex more than women. A healthy adult male produces 17 times the amount of testosterone women do 24-7. Women at the peak of their menstrual cycle don't even approach this kind of production, so at a woman's horniest, she doesn't experience the same degree and urgency of sexuality men do. Add to this that women produce far more Estrogen (a hormone proven to increase a woman's sexual selective capacity) and Oxytocin (a key hormone that prompts feelings of security and nurturing), and you can see that it is literally a physical impossibility for women to want sex as much as men.

 

That said, I would argue that there is most definitely a social expectation for women to dial down their sexual desire after marriage and childbirth. At the very least there is a social contrivance that forgives a woman for not wanting sex as much.

[blind_otter]

I know of a few couples where the sex wasn't all that great even in the beginning of the relationship (according to husband), yet the man proposed and the couple got married. When asked why he proposed if sex was such a big issue, the main response I get is that their wife had all the other qualities they were looking for in a mate. Many of these men love, respect and admire their wives as their best friend and partner in life, so if all other qualities are present, does the sex really matter that much?

 

It depends on the person, and their libido. If they have a low libido then it's likely sex will not matter all that much because it doesn't matter to the individual. You can't go on and say sex is not important in all marriages, though. In some, it isn't. In some - it IS.

 

There are people who truely enjoy and want and need sex to feel intimate and satisfied with a relationship.

 

Personally I have ended relationships that were, in all other areas, relatively good - but if the sex was bad, I couldn't do it. Sex is just that important to me.

 

I think that yes, sex dries up when there are problems in a relationship. But there are also mismatched libidos in couples and AFAIK this is a common problem.

[BigJ]

.... does the sex really matter that much?

 

In a word, yes.

 

 

 

 

.... there are also mismatched libidos in couples and AFAIK this is a common problem.

 

I have to agree that this seems disconcertingly common. Why should that be in this age of shacking up first? Is it that one or the other has had an agenda? I don't know.

[Ladyjane14]

 

I have to agree that this seems disconcertingly common. Why should that be in this age of shacking up first? Is it that one or the other has had an agenda? I don't know.

 

It's much simpler than some Machiavellian "agenda". Libido is fluid, not static... and particularly so in females.

[Mustang Sally]

No. I think this is a common, Oprah.com, answer for people who simply don't want to face the reality of their situation.

Hmmm.

I think you have a point here, on a certain level.

 

But I also think there is some definite truth to the "love bucket" pop-psychology. When you feel taken for granted and objectified by your spouse, it's pretty hard to get mentally up for some "hot banging." Know what I mean? At least, I should say - from a woman who has walked in those shoes, at one point in life - that is my perspective. Not sayin' it's all one person or the other's fault, just that I think it could certainly apply - Oprah, aside.

 

People who want to have sex will find a way to have sex irrespective of their daily responsibilities.

I totally agree with you. But when I felt as I did, above, I wanted to have sex with other men than my H (or toys). You know? The libido was still there, just that he had a way (well...I concede that is too blame-assigning...but indulge me, if you will) of completely squashing it right out of me when I was in a room alone with him.

 

Real desire supersedes mundane responsibilities. Just ask any husband or wife who's gone to great lengths to hide an affair.

Yep.

I'd agree with you, here. But again - affair partner is QUITE different from spouse-that-I-get-to-see-underpants-skidmarks-of...don't you think? There ARE no "mundane responsibilities" with the affair partner.

 

Yes. I realize this is hard to stomach for most, but physicality is VERY important for both sexes.

Well, it's not hard for me to stomach at all. I completely agree with this. I also think it's unrealistic to think that a LTR partner will have NO changes in their physical nature...I mean, we haven't gotten the whole aging-thing conquered yet. But there are certainly ways to take care of one's self, despite inevitable aging-effects.

 

The idea that this is only limited to the man is a misnomer. Women want their men to stay in shape every bit as much as the man.

I would have to agree with you here, too - speaking for myself as a woman, anyway. However, it is also true that no amount of "hunkiness" in my man (or any other) would overcome complete prick-dom, if that were his innate personality. So. As in all things: moderation with any generality should be applied.

 

Possibly, but unless you saved your virginity for your spouse prior to marriage, either partner (not just the woman) has no excuse for deciding to make a life long commitment to unsatisfying sex.

I can attest to the fact that - although not a virgin, I was NOT educated/open-minded enough about my own sexuality and sexual response when I got married as I am now.

 

And this increased awareness that I have now - although, contibuted to by my spouse - is overwhelmingly more attributed to my own personal "journey," if you will, to expand and improve both. In both a physical way (obviously) and - more importantly (for me) - in a mind-set way.

 

I am certain that - for me - I couldn't or wouldn't have been able to be at the same place with what I now know is "satisfying sex" when I got married. And if I had waited around for it? I doubt that I would have arrived at the destination I am currently at, anyway.

 

So...I DO think it is possible, and nay - even excusable? (for some) - to enter into a marriage when you aren't having fireworks and lightening bolt sex with your partner. I had the mindset that we would explore things together, and that it would surely become/maintain satisfaction for me because I (thought I) was in a mutally pleasing/pleasuring relationship.

 

It didn't quite work out that way. So - who's the putz in that scenario? Me, I guess.

 

No, but because MEN are genetically predisposed to want sex more than women.

 

..........

and you can see that it is literally a physical impossibility for women to want sex as much as men.

I think there is validity to these points.

 

That said, I would argue that there is most definitely a social expectation for women to dial down their sexual desire after marriage and childbirth. At the very least there is a social contrivance that forgives a woman for not wanting sex as much.

And, some validity to this as well.

 

Thanks for sharing your views.