Scared I'll be losing myself to an incompatible boyfriend

[Sweets1919]

Thanks Lizzie and Macon! I know the truth and you know I do too.

[Sweets1919]

Hey all. I have had a good day. I have been emotionally withdrawing from my bf this week. I used to get excited and feel good when he would text me or call and since I started thinking about all this stuff this week, I have not had the same feelings. In fact, I think I am starting to accept what I had been denying over the past while (months?) -- that I am not happy or satisfied in the relationship and that I don't even know if I love him - it feels more like we are just good friends who are with each other for company and who tell each other things about our lives. I think I thought that the "feelings" I had for him in the beginning would come back, but slowly I believe they have faded.

It's weird, even over the past few months I don't even get turned on by him anymore. When we are intimate, it happens, but it is not passionate or an expression of my love. And he doesn't really try to keep the "love alive" it seems. He asks me to wear sexy outfits, but in terms of him giving affectionate behaviour to me just for the sake of it, he doesn't. I have to ask him to give me a massage and I think the last time he did it was last year - and then he wants one in return. As a woman, feeling desired is very important and I don't get that from him besides regular kisses and sex right before bedtime. There is no lust from my end at all and I want passion in my relationship.

 

I couldn't understand how someone I was so attracted to and who I liked so much and who I had dreams of a future with could now not give me a spark of excitement. Maybe it is because it has now been a year of me wondering where this relationship is going and him giving false promises and incongruent behaviour (saying one thing and doing another). Maybe it's because I don't feel appreciated, loved or content. It should make it easier to end it as I really believe I don't have "love" for him. However, how can I "love" someone who is rude to me, inconsiderate of my wants/needs, and who is judgemental of my friends and family?

 

Funny thing is that now that I have been distant, he has been calling and texting a lot and today has said how he misses me, is proud of me for doing my university program, will plan something fun for us to do next weekend and how I have a really good heart. It all doesn't seem to mean as much anymore as I don't have the hope for a future that I used to.

Edited March 30, 2008 by Sweets1919

[NickP]

I also think you should stop thinking of your life in terms of 'shall I marry this boyfriend or look for another'. Maybe think about your life in terms of what you are going to make it - not who you're going to spend it with. People who focus on themselves in a positive way are usually the most attractive people out there - because they are independent, happy and have so much to offer others to enhance a partner's life, rather than needing a partner.

 

I've always thought about this point but never actually thought about what it meant for me. But I will from today. That point is SO true. It's one of those things which you do know at the back of your mind but never acutally thought much of it. Thx for tat !

[NickP]

It's great that you feel you've started to move on. I don't want to dampen your spirits tho but remember to pull out at a pace you're comfortable with and not just too quickly, cos this whole break up might suddenly hit you and you might feel lost and like "wtf have i done". make sure you're mentally ready to begin moving apart (which you already seem you are, so that's gd).

 

Also, I don't know if you've tried (or if you want to try), but Lizzie has said men like him don't change. but, if it were me, i'd give him a shot and tell him where u're at at the moment. you sed you've tried b4 but he prob din't think you'd leave him if he didn't compromise. i'd tell him everything you're upset with about the relationship and see his response. of course, i'm not suggesting that you should hope that he'll change, cos it def looks like he is really "into" himself. but all this texting and stuff clearly shows that he is concerned about what's going on (even though I can't deny all the self-loving,prenup,etcetc stuff is something that would scare any woman away).

 

let him know that relationships are based on COMPROMISE (from both sides). you certainly seem to be doing all the compromising.

gd luk.

[Sweets1919]

Thanks for the replies, Nick. I know it is not going to be easy and that is why I am not rushing it because I don't want to have regrets or overwhelming sadness with no opportunity to clarify anything. Although that sadness and feelings of regret might happen, I know I need to do it on my time and in my own way. I am not the type to have a big blow up or to just stop talking to someone. I know I need to have a bit of a process to it and that I will want to evaluate/assess things and talk to him about how I am feeling.

 

It seems like I always end relationships when I am not happy. Sure the other ones have been more obvious, yet similar. Some guys are just not compatible and other guys don't give me the attention/respect I deserve (my two other long term bfs ended up partying all the time and cheating on me). This one is different. Part of me feels like I am giving up and being too picky because "no one is perfect" and relationships are about compromise - but I know you and all the other posters are right - that he does not seem to be doing any of that.

Edited March 30, 2008 by Sweets1919

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Hey Carhill,

 

He has said that if we ever break up then it is "over for good" and that there are no second chances. He has also said that I will compare any other boyfriend I ever have to him and that none of them will ever measure up to him.

 

What a self absorbed twat sorry just had to say that..

[carhill]

This one is different. Part of me feels like I am giving up and being too picky because "no one is perfect" and relationships are about compromise - but I know you and all the other posters are right - that he does not seem to be doing any of that.

A man shows his love for you and confidence in himself through his actions. Yes, there are words and words are important, but the truth of who he is is in his actions.

 

The one-line post above this one is an apt description of my assessment, and I'm a man.

[Sweets1919]

This may sound stupid, but what kind of actions? I would assume things like kindness, consideration, respect, generousity, affection etc. But then I think of all that stuff about how "men and women are different" (the whole Mars/Venus thing) or how people say that "once a man tells you he loves you he doesn't think he has to keep saying it so that's why you feel neglected" and that men show their feelings differently.

 

I am even asking not particularly about this current bf, but so I have an idea what is reasonable to expect from a bf/partner in the future. If I think about my previous relationships, it seems like I always give more than I get back and I need to know what an emotionally healthy/loving man is typically able to do in terms of showing affection and love.

[carhill]

Re-read your OP. Actions are a descriptor. Think of actions as air. You know how air pressure and oxygen quantity increases or decreases with altitude changes? What I'm seeing here is outer space.

[Sweets1919]

Well I talked to him last night. He called and after some chit chat he asked me if there was something wrong as I had not been calling him as much and didn't seem "the same". I told him there was something wrong. I told him that I had been thinking that I didn't know if I would ever feel satisfied living in a small town. I told him about wanting to meet friends and do things and how he says he doesn't want to. I told him about me being worried about missing my family and not having close friends apart from the ones "back home".

 

Basically he was very surprised I was feeling any of this. He said he thought everything was great between us. He tried to rationalize things with me saying:

 

-the quality of life overall is better in a small town

-he makes a lot of money (he quoted $170,000 for the past year) so our kids would want for nothing.

-he said if I were to go try to meet another guy then chances are he would be divorced or have kids. I said "well if that's what happens then it happens like that" and he disagreed saying the guy would be spending money on his ex or his kids and he prob wouldn't make as much $$ as this current bf then my children would not go on school trips and stuff and "then how would I feel".

-I asked him about religion and if he would want his kids raised Catholic b/c I have a feeling he would even though he doesn't attend. He said he would want them raised Catholic and we could all go to Catholic church together.

-I told him I have not felt loved and appreciated by him lately and it has left me wondering how he even feels about me. He said that "I told you I was going to marry you when I met you so what are you wondering about".

-I told him it would be nice if he planned dates like he did in the first couple months. He says "I just did last time I was in [your town]. I said "when" and he told me the restaurant and I told him that was Valentine's Day. The time before that would have probably been New Years with his cousin and then my b-day in October. He then told me it would be nice if I planned some surprise date for HIM. I told him that I am the female and I think he should be doing [at least most of] it. The fact is I did research and plan the B& B we went to for our Anniversary weekend in September and look in the newspapers to find things for us to do. Then he tried to say "well do your mom and stepdad go out on dates all the time??" I told him I don't know, that they have been together for 20 years and that we are talking about us and what I want, not them.

-I confronted him on the rude things he said about my brother and the coming baby. I told him my brother's situation is not for him to judge and he maintained that my bro was still irresponsible, but I told him how that hurt my feelings and is an insult to my brother and to me.

-He basically said that he was going to propose to me soon, but as I am having so many doubts, he isn't going to ask soon because I might say no.

-I said i didn't feel like what was important to me mattered when he said he would not go back to visit my family with me in the summertimes. He explained that he has no control over the busy season at work (real estate deals - he is the lawyer) and that he can't leave and turn down work. He also said it is not fair for him to leave it for his co-worker and assistant to do. He said we'd go visit my family at Christmas or Easter if we had kids.

 

I then talked to my mom for two hours afterward and told her everything and had a good chat. She didn't tell me what to do either way, but to be thoughtful and that it is good that I am thinking these things through before I have a ring on my finger or am married.

 

My bf said he really thought he was doing everything I need: he works hard, has a home for us, buys dinners, spends time with me, does fun things with me, says he'll be a provider in the future to me and a family. He says that he has always respected me, encouraged me and supported me. he basically said "I don't know what else you want".

 

then I woke up this morning and wondered if I am intentionally sabotaging this relationship without trying to work it out. Part of me is very scared of moving back home (next year when done school) and feeling alone and being alone and regretting my decision.I am not the type to always have a bf and i have gone several years being single as I would rather be on my own than with a guy I don't want to be with. But I guess part of me wonders that if I am always ending every relationship then how am I ever going to live my life with someone?? I am freaking out a bit.

 

PS. I think it has been really hard for me over the past week because all of this emotional/mental work has been in my head and over the phone with friends/family (and in person with two girls at work), but none of it F/F with my boyfriend. I counted that we have spent nine nights together in all of Feb-March and I wonder how different things (our relationship, our connection, talking about problems) would be if he and I did these things in person and if I could have spent any time with him from when I got home from my trip last week (won't see him until April 4).

Edited March 31, 2008 by Sweets1919

[carhill]

Yup, outer space.

 

My wife hates the small town we live near. I overlooked that when we got married and it (and the associated mindset) have come back to bite me in the @ss 8 years later. It's about compatibility and mutual respect. Neither of us (or you two) is "wrong". We have different perspectives and perhaps life goals.

 

He's not engaging you emotionally. That's not a good sign. He's "selling" you, IMO. I've never been known as a "lady's man" but even I have a more sincere and engaging technique than that. I don't see the "together" or "our team" in your postings about him. Feel free to correct me

 

When you're with him in person next time, ask him simply how he feels about you and being with you. Listen carefully. It isn't going to get any better than that.

[Sweets1919]

Thanks Carhill!!

[SpanksTheMonkey]

-the quality of life overall is better in a small town

Not so small towns are not for every one period thats just crap!

-he makes a lot of money (he quoted $170,000 for the past year) so our kids would want for nothing.

Sweets whats the point of being financially set but emotionally bankrupt is it really worth that trade in the end?

 

The kids will see moms not 100% happy and they will want her to be kids arnt dumb.

 

So yes they will want for something even tho they may have everything else go figure I guess money isn't everything.

-he said if I were to go try to meet another guy then chances are he would be divorced or have kids. I said "well if that's what happens then it happens like that" and he disagreed saying the guy would be spending money on his ex or his kids and he prob wouldn't make as much $$ as this current bf then my children would not go on school trips and stuff and "then how would I feel".

).

Thats just him trying to control the situation but putting fears into your head.

 

Instead of acting like a real man and actually caring about your wants or fears!

 

So what if you met a avarage man with kids who wasn't as wealthy if he cared about your feelings and did the best he could in every other way whats wrong with that? nothing at all!

 

That comment combined with the other demeaning nasty ones hes made about people just go to show what his true values/ideas are is that the way you want your future kids to grow up??

 

Thinking that money makes the world go round and that you shouldn't compromise or try to make your partner happy in a relationship???

 

Don't let this guy buy you that cheaply just cause you have had bad relationship's in the past doesn't mean you should settle for being unhappy the rest of your life!