Sweets1919 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Hi there, I am 34, single and moved away from my family/friends almost five years ago for job opportunities and also some independence. I have a great job and I found a great home and I am back in school for a master's degree. Things all sound great. I also have a boyfriend (long distance) and we have been together for a year and a half. I have been bringing up marriage/future and he says he will likely propose by the end of the year....that means that I would then move to his small town from the city I am currently in....yet still a province away from where I moved from five years ago. So, I just spent a week and a half at "home" with my friends/family over Easter and had a really good time. I met my brother's girlfriend for the first time and they are expecting a baby in September. It got me thinking about not only missing out on being involved with my friends as we all start having children, but on my kids getting to know their cousins and spending time with their grandparents (my parents) like I was able to when I was a child. I am also worried about missing out on time myself with my parents over the next 20-30 years as they get older (just turning 60 this year) and into old age. I am scared that I will regret being so far away that I won't be able to spend time with them and be there to physically and emotionally support them when needed. My boyfriend has said that he would not move back to my province with me so I am faced with a dilemma. Do I move to where my boyfriend lives (a town of 2000 people) when we get married (presuming that happens) and build a life there with new friends, his parents and siblings an hour away, and a couple flights "home" a year....or do I break up with him and move back on my own and settle in my home city with my family and longtime friends close by? I am scared about all of this: -scared I will miss out on time with my brother/parents. -scared I won't ever have the close friendships with new girls as I do with the ones back "home" (some are 15 yrs friendships). -scared my children won't know their grandparents, uncle, aunt or cousins. -scared I'll feel isolated in the town with my boyfriend as I will have to move there and meet all new friends and start over at a new job. -concerned that my boyfriend has said that he does not like doing social things in his community like even bowling or tennis so I wonder how we will meet other couples and have fun doing things...will it be up to me to meet friends alone even if we are married?? -my boyfriend says that if we had children and I wanted to go visit my friends and family he would not come with me if it was in the summertime because he is busy at work during those months (he is a lawyer and does real estate deals)....I am concerned I'd feel unsupported and alone. -scared that when my parents are older or elderly I won't be able to take time away to be with them/tend to them. -scared that I am talking myself out of taking a risk of being with my boyfriend. -scared of hurting my boyfriend's feelings -scared I'll quit my job and move "home" and wonder why I did that and regret my decision. -scared I won't meet a decent guy when I move back. Please....any advice???? This is tearing me apart. I know all of my family and all of my friends would be thrilled to have me move back. I know that I have learned a lot by being away and I surely appreciate everything about family. Part of me wonders if a trip or two a year would suffice but it is so hard to know. If you search for my post from January 2008 you'll get an idea about the problems I've been having with the BF regarding commitment/moving forward pretty much all along. I am now wondering if it is more of a blessing in disguise.
Tripper Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I am scared about all of this: -scared I will miss out on time with my brother/parents. -scared I won't ever have the close friendships with new girls as I do with the ones back "home" (some are 15 yrs friendships). -scared my children won't know their grandparents, uncle, aunt or cousins. -scared I'll feel isolated in the town with my boyfriend as I will have to move there and meet all new friends and start over at a new job. -concerned that my boyfriend has said that he does not like doing social things in his community like even bowling or tennis so I wonder how we will meet other couples and have fun doing things...will it be up to me to meet friends alone even if we are married?? -my boyfriend says that if we had children and I wanted to go visit my friends and family he would not come with me if it was in the summertime because he is busy at work during those months (he is a lawyer and does real estate deals)....I am concerned I'd feel unsupported and alone. -scared that when my parents are older or elderly I won't be able to take time away to be with them/tend to them. -scared that I am talking myself out of taking a risk of being with my boyfriend. -scared of hurting my boyfriend's feelings -scared I'll quit my job and move "home" and wonder why I did that and regret my decision. -scared I won't meet a decent guy when I move back. Ok Sweets, you have a lot of fears and concerns. But I must ask what is it that your BF is offering you?? He won't visit your family and friends, he won't do any activities, it sounds like you will be responsible for meeting and making new friends. He sounds very unsupportive, inflexible and selfish to me. The relationship you have with your family and friends are long term ones and they care about you. As for meeting a decent guy if you move back home, what's the rush?? Can you not be on your own for awhile?? Are you afraid of being alone?? If this is the case, the relationship doesn't enhance your life. It becomes the crutch. So maybe you need to take some time on your own, for yourself and do the work to figure out what's best for you.
Author Sweets1919 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Hi Tripper, Thanks for the reply. Basically my boyfriend is offering me companionship and friendship. He has written off two of my friends from back home without getting to know them (one is a girl he met for half an hour and said she was 'loud') and the other was a guy. He has also said he will never go to church with me (he is Catholic and I just go to a Christian churh). He has also said he wants a prenup and that he will not be in the delivery room with me when i have a baby and that he will never change a diaper. I am concerned I will feel alone if I move to be with him. We have fun together renting movies and going to dinner, but there is no romance...no flowers or romantic gestures. I feel more like a friend than the love of his life. I have been talking to friends and family about this and it has helped. There is no real rush to find a new boyfriend, but it is something I want in the future...someone who wants to be with me, build a future with me, create a family with me and someone who wants to be close to my friends and family as much as I am with his friends and family.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 (edited) Hi Tripper, HE has also said he will never go to church with me (he is Catholic and I just go to a Christian churh). HE has also said he wants a prenup and that he will not be in the delivery room with me when i have a baby and that HE will never change a diaper. I am concerned I will feel alone if I move to be with him. . Its seams to be ALLOT about HIM don't you think sweets? a real relationship between two adults means compromising and caring about how your actions hurt affect the other! This man is already showing you hes not willing to bend one inch for you it will not change you cannot except to move out there and change him so if that ever crossed your mind just forget it that doesn't work. Oh and if you feel like his buddy that doesn't work ether and most likely wont change ether and you will start to resent it BIG TIME and eventually end up hating him for his lack of romance/affection. I don't see any point for you to continue with a relationship that is so one sided and cold. But you will do what you want in the end anyways best of luck with that. Also have fun in 2000 population town I've lived in one once in Canada before for a guy. Its loads of fun they usually have a total of 3 stores and 2 roads tho it. And EVERY one is up in your business 24/7 you will eventually go mad believe me. I'm not trying to be harsh I'm just telling you the truth as I see it and as I've lived it in such a small town. Don't be concerned you will feel alone BET ON IT because you will. With the lack of romance/affection from him plus the fact your now the new outsider in town yes you will feel alone. Also unless you fit in really well in said town they will talk about you BIG TIME! Don't expect his family to be overly comforting ether if probs arise between you two after all there main concern is their son/brother not you. Just a few things to think about there as well. Edited March 28, 2008 by SpanksTheMonkey
Author Sweets1919 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Also have fun in 2000 population town I've lived in one once in Canada before for a guy. Its loads of fun they usually have a total of 3 stores and 2 roads tho it. And EVERY one is up in your business 24/7 you will eventually go mad believe me. I'm not trying to be harsh I'm just telling you the truth as I see it. Don't be concerned you will feel alone BET ON IT because you will. I hear you. I have been trying to be positive about this and initially I thought it would be "cute" to live in a small town. I thought we would go to farm fairs or get to know everyone and do a lot of community activities. However, I have proposed the idea of joining a curling team or even playing tennis or bowling and my bf says "no way". He is a lawyer and seems to think that if anyone in the town sees him out playing tennis then everyone will talk. I can see that in a small town they might all know if he got hammered at the summer picnic, but where is the harm in doing normal things like going skating? He tells me he doesn't like doing things in the community and doesn't want town people to get to know him on a personal level. Well, hello?? what am I supposed to do? Meet the five women who are my age and hang out with them because my bf isn't interested in doing things as a couple?? I think it is crazy and I see less and less for him to offer me as I think about this.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I hear you. I have been trying to be positive about this and initially I thought it would be "cute" to live in a small town. Yeah thats what I thought to oh it cant be that bad believe me it can be that bad its mind numbing. It got to the point I woke up and just started out my window all day crying and wishing I was back home. Look if you come from a normal setting meaning town population over 12 lol then you will have a very hard time excepting that kind of life. Your from a city your use to having life around you 24/7 so its more then a culture shock. To me thats a huge issue here even more then the relationship ones maybe to a degree. That plus hes just not willing to try and make changes to help you feel better about it all. So sweets what the heck are you getting out of all of this??? to be his movie buddy??? To entertain him because he chooses not to interact with other people? Please seriously think about it all the HOLE PICTURE him his not caring about your feelings having to move to hicks vile no were land for the rest of your life cause you know hes not going to want to move ether. Meet the five women who are my age and hang out with them because my bf isn't interested in doing things as a couple?? . Thats if you fit in the click believe me tiny towns have clicks and if you don't fit in they will let you know. Mine use to talk about me right in front of my face at the post shop every time I had to go there like I didn't have ears or something it can get nasty and cold and verry depressing/lonely...
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 If you weight out all the pros and cons of each choice you have to ether.. A. Move to be with your b/f or B. move back home I would think it would look something like this.. A. if you move in with b/f... 1. cant do any things together in public as a couple because hes afraid of people talking about him. 2. Hes not willing to make any changes or be very supportive on most subjects things will be done his way. 3. Hes not very romantic/affectionate so I'm also guessing this means no show of affection in public for sure thats when you can get him in public with you. 4.You have to make the move to a tiny town were theres more then likely nothing to do and not many people to do it with ether way. And from how he sounds I highly doubt hes willing to move for you why start caring about your wants and needs now after all. Or theres option B less see how that sounds... B. You move back to your home town.. 1.You will be around your family/loved ones also long time friends who do care about you and are concerned about your wellbeing happiness. 2. You will have good solid trusted friends to hang out with and actually do fun intresting stuff with. 3. You will be free to pursue what ever makes you happy go back to/finish school get a great job just more over all better opportunities then the tiny town can offer you remember hes already a lawyer so hes set how bout you? 4. You can in your own time find a great guy who would be willing to actually be there for you instead of you having to give up everything for him all the time. Now I dunno about you but to me that makes things kinda clear again sweets its up to you in the end all me or any one else here can do it try and help you make a good decision in the end.
Author Sweets1919 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Hi there, Thank you so much for your responses. Four and a half years ago I moved here and I just knew it was the right thing to do...sold my place, quit my job and left for a "new life" - independence from family and a chance to make it on my own. Well I have had success - I have four years experience in my job and am in university part time for a master's degree. There is no telling what I will be able to do for work in the future...lots of choices. Despite my employment and having a boyfriend...the prospect of living in a dinky town with a guy who will not compromise on anything is bleak. He has told me in the past that he is "very black and white" with things and that basically it is his way or the highway. It is hard to predict the future, but the truth is that I am not even happy now...let alone if we were married and I was in the small town with children and alone and missing "home". My bf will not talk to me about important things and if i bring up our relationship our doubts he gets defensive. I have encouraged him to think about things in the past when he would not make a commitment to "moving forward" (as I hate long distance) and he never even got back to me about doing any thinking at all. It feels like I worry about the relationship, our future, activities we can do, romantic gestures, how to improve the relationship much more than he does...if he does at all. He has never asked me if I am happy in the relationship or how he can make things better or what I really want in my future and how we can make things work. It is one sided!! I suggest fun things like skating (he says he'll break his ankle and won't be able to work), bowling (he won't do that unless it is far away from his town), tennis (we went once), swimming (went once), camping (he doesn't like it), skiing (he said he has a bad back), an outing with my great aunt moreso for moral support for me as it is a religious/family get together (he said that's 'not his thing'), bingo (he said he would never go to that), going for a walk (he went once). He will come to some of the above things as mentioned...but 90% of the time at my suggestion. Otherwise, he likes going to the movies, renting a movie and going for coffee. We talk a bit about things, but I feel like I want a deeper relationship with someone who is to be my "life partner". Moving back home (next spring when I'm done school) is very tempting and I think it may get to the point where it seems like the only option. I do want to be close to my family/friends for the rest of my life and if I move to be with my bf I am scared that I will never have the choice to "go home" again. I am so concerned about when I actually "do it" and tell him it is not going to work. I might need more time to get that done. But I think the more I think about it, he and I are incompatible and what I want for my future will not be found in the small town.
Tripper Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Sweets, I think you have your answer. From reading your posts, I don't see any benefits for you. It seems your bf is ok with you in his life as long as it's on his terms. No negotiation. It's obvious to me this is not the guy for you.
slb Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I am going through the same thing and it hurts. I have tried so hard, but have given up so much of myself. It didn;t help the relationship, only hurt me very badly. I made it clear today that if he wants to be with me, he has to love me for exactly who I am. I haven't heard from him....
macon Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 The fact that your boyfriend says he will not move to your town (not even open to discussion) but expects you to move to his, is unreasonable and should give you pause for thought. The partner of your life should be someone who supports you and cares about your needs as much as his own - this involves compromise, not just laying down what you want and forcing the other person to go along with it, despite what they might want. Think - you're on a message board talking to strangers about a really important decision in your life - you clearly don't feel comfortable or supported enough to talk to the one person who should be there to talk to. What kind of a marriage do you think you will have with this person? If you are not equal partners at this stage in terms of feelings and needs, what do you think it will be like in several years time? I also think you should stop thinking of your life in terms of 'shall I marry this boyfriend or look for another'. Maybe think about your life in terms of what you are going to make it - not who you're going to spend it with. People who focus on themselves in a positive way are usually the most attractive people out there - because they are independent, happy and have so much to offer others to enhance a partner's life, rather than needing a partner.
Author Sweets1919 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 I agree Macon. I know that I am at my best when I am being "true to myself"....doing fun things, enjoying life, connecting with people and actually enjoying every day I have to its potential. The problem I feel these days is that I am not connected to close friends in my current town (no one really knows much about my history, life outside of work), don't really have people to go out and do things with and my bf is far away and we see each other each weekend or two for a 48 hr visit. I feel like my life is all centred around him and my joy is gone. When I was "home" for the ten days over Easter I spent time with family, met up with friends, went for coffee, went to the mall, got together to watch the hockey game and just had that connection...didn't have to be anything fancy or over the top. I felt so sad returning to my current home as I spend my evenings alone with the cat (haha) with no real prospect of the joy coming back in the current situation. Even before I went on my trip home I remember that I would wake up in the morning and think "here we go again, another morning of my life" which is ridiculous because as you can see from my previous posts above, I love doing fun things and enjoying life. The trouble is also that with the long distance, my boyfriend and I will spend the whole weekend together just the two of us or with a friend of his, but it means I don't have the opportunity to make plans with a girlfriend for a movie or anything and it is like what would be my life (going out with friends, making friends) gets put on hold because he's going to be here and I don't like that either.
macon Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 (edited) You know, it sounds like your actual problem at the moment is that you're not very happy where you're currently living. Marrying someone because you're dissatisfied with what you have at the moment is not the answer. You're clearly not happy with him and/or your decision to devote your life to him, so put it on the back burner - it's too important and huge a decision not to give it some more time if you're unsure. Is it your job that's keeping you where you are? Can't you look into transferring, or finding a similar job somewhere closer to your home? Even going home for an extended trip may give you some space to work out what aspects of your life you're unhappy with, and how you might start to change them. It may be that you just need to find some more activities that you like doing where you currently live, and that way you'll meet people who have similar interests to you. A really good friend of mine was left by her husband about 6 years ago - it was awful to start with, but after a while her whole outlook changed and she stopped thinking about her life in terms of him and her relationship, and started thinking about what she wanted to do. She ended up joining a salsa class - loving it - started cycling and then dating too - finally realised that she had run out of love for her career (as a teacher), up sticks and moved to another state where she got a job managing construction! She's now very happy with her life and has finally met someone she's very happy with - but only, I think, because she's very happy with herself and neither of them need the other to fulfill their lives. Their relationship is built on mutual respect and enjoying each other, and letting each other enjoy life together and separately. At some point I hope to be just like her!! Edited March 28, 2008 by macon
Author Sweets1919 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 I agree Macon. And I want to be happy and fulfilled in all areas of my life. I thought I was happy here and that I would just look forward to a marriage and children with my bf...I don't want to "date" forever. I thought that getting married and having kids with him is the next step (not that he is too keen on the idea - I am the one who brings it up and he is reluctant to set a timeline). I do do things that keep me "occupied"....I work my full time job, i am attending school, I was in a community band last year playing the flute, I go to church, I go to the pub with people from work, I go to the gym, I joined a "taerobics" class with girls from work, I do yoga and I read. All of these things give me enjoyment, but I feel like I want more out of life - particularly someone I am thrilled to be with and who is thrilled to be with me. I feel a little bored with my boyfriend. I try to make suggestions about fun things or ways to do things to get to know other couples and he is not enthusiastic. He prides himself on being stubborn. He won't go visit my family with me. He won't go to church with me. He is judgemental about my friends and even my brother (he freaked when he found my brother's gf of 8 months is pregnant and said that my bro was ruining his life and that he would probably never talk to my brother again because he has lost respect for him). How does that make me feel? BF has been calling a lot this week since I mentioned I was "homesick". He calls me pet names and it is cute, but is that enough to build a marriage on? And what about my need/want to grow old around family and friends. With him that is not an option and he is not even open to visiting with me...I asked if we had kids would he come with us during summer vacation to visit my family and he said "no, you could go on your own...I'd have to work". What is the point of working so much and bragging about how much money you have if you can't take even three days off to go with me to see my family? I get very concerned that I will feel trapped in the relationship. It is hard because I remember fun times like quadding or lying on the couch and it makes me sad to think that it might all be coming to an end. Maybe I am just being irrational and he really is a great guy. On the other hand, maybe he is a great guy in many ways, but is just not the guy for me.
macon Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 "All of these things give me enjoyment, but I feel like I want more out of life - particularly someone I am thrilled to be with and who is thrilled to be with me." You know, we all want that - of course we do! But if you don't have it right now, don't you think making do with something that isn't what you want might actually get in the way of you finding that real special someone? I want to be with that wonderful partner, but if they aren't around I'm not going to go out with someone who isn't, just because I want someone to be with. Date, enjoy, have fun - but don't try and build a marriage with someone who isn't right. That's crazy. "He calls me pet names and it is cute, but is that enough to build a marriage on?" No. Absolutely not. The very fact that you're asking that question tells you the answer doesn't it? "And what about my need/want to grow old around family and friends. With him that is not an option and he is not even open to visiting with me...I asked if we had kids would he come with us during summer vacation to visit my family and he said "no, you could go on your own...I'd have to work". Why would you want to be with a man like this? Do you think you don't deserve to be respected and cared for? I wonder why it is that so many of us girls seem to have such low self-esteem that we'll put up with a ton of unfair and unreasonable behaviour, just to have a man in our lives? "I get very concerned that I will feel trapped in the relationship." And you're not even married to him yet - if you're questioning this now, imagine 10 years down the line when the 'bloom' of first attraction has worn off. What kind of an environment do you think this kind of relationship will create for your children? "It is hard because I remember fun times like quadding or lying on the couch and it makes me sad to think that it might all be coming to an end." Of course it's sad - any ending is sad, even if it's not dramatic and monumental. Your feelings have changed - maybe you've grown apart, maybe you just want different things out of life. You probably think at this point that you won't meet anyone else, because you don't see any alternatives at the moment .. but you will. It just may not be tomorrow, and it may not be in this particular town. Who knows? But isn't it better to know you have a world of possibilities out there, that you can choose to find for yourself, rather than that you've limited yourself to one that you already know isn't giving you what you want? "Maybe I am just being irrational and he really is a great guy." ? You know you're trying to convince yourself don't you? How crazy is that? Be honest with yourself
Author Sweets1919 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 "Maybe I am just being irrational and he really is a great guy." lol, I know. If I pile up all the negatives then the answer is clear. I know it. I think I just need to have it drilled into my head from all angles (friends, family, here) to really hear it. I wonder how this ''all of a sudden' happened. Even when I told my girlfriend about him: not wanting to visit family with me, not wanting to go to my friend's wedding in the summer, saying he'll never change a diaper, won't be in the delivery room with me, will "allow" my cat to come visit and maybe live with him one day but after that no more cats (I love cats and would want one forever but he says he has allergies, despite him cuddling and playing with the cat at my house), he criticizes my friends and won't spend time with them, he refused to even meet my male friend that I've had for ten years, he is attached to the hip of his brother, he critizes his brother's wife and says she married his brother just for the money and prestige of being with a lawyer, he wants a prenup, he said he'll never pay spousal support if there was a divorce, he won't do a lot of the fun rec things I want to do, he won't go socialize in public in his home town, he bought me flowers once when we first started dating and said it is a waste of money because they get thrown in the garbage after a week (although he eats out all the time and spends a fortune on his clothes), I told him that if I lived with him then I would like a garden in the backyard and he said he doesn't want that in his yard, he told me that when I am done my master's program next year we'd go to New York or Vegas but now says he's not sure, he sent me Christmas cards both years but they are cards from his law firm with a personalized sentence from him inside, no anniversary card or actually any anniversary gift or activity (a dinner where it is romantic and we just appreciate each other and reflect on our year together would have been nice...in fact we have not been on a "date" where he plans it for almost 15 months, no birthday card (he got me a valentine's card both years), he told me that my brother's new gf won't ever be my sister in law b/c they will break up and I'll never see my niece or nephew after that, he won't go to church with me and he has not been since Christmas, but claims he is "Catholic" and I am sure that if we had kids he would pull that card out and insist his kids must be raised Catholic (though he doesn't attend and that is not my home church), he has said if I ever get fat he will leave me, he critizes people (scratch that) - he criticizes women on TV or in public if they are "fat", he calls the empire waisted tops that are in style "preggo tops" and tells me he never wants to see me in one, he told me that if I had made him wait more than a couple months for sex (I think it was about three months) then he would have dumped me. Holy mother....now that I just went on that rant/stroll down memory lane, I am not surprised my friend almost fell off her chair with what I had to say. And I can see why everyone on LS is like "what do YOU get from this relationship?"
Prosecco Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 The fact you have so many doubts is seriously telling you something. Personally - if life has taught me one thing, it's that friends are the most important things in the world. They are there before relationships, there during them, and if the relationship ends, they are there to get you through it, and beyond it. Any relationship where your boyfriend can 'discount' your friends - if they are good friends, and not acquaintances' - has a problem. Your boyfriend doesn't have to click with all your friends, but to not make any effort with them whatsoever... meh! You've worked it out yourself.
Lizzie60 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Wow.. I just read the few first posts.. and I have to say that you think about your bf (what will he think, how will he feel.. etc.) and you worry a lot about your parents and your future children... BUT what is it you want for YOU.. you have to decide what are your priorities.. I know it's hard.. but from what I read here.. your bf seems to be a very selfish guy.. all he thinks about is HIS happiness... he doesn't seem to worry too much about what YOU want... If you get a Master's .. how will you secure your career in a town of 2000.. you have to think about YOUR future.. especially nowdays.. when the divorce rate is soo high.. He IS definitely selfish.. I don't want to sound too pessimistic.. but once you get married, have a few kids.. get into the house, bills, jobs, etc... how will you feel if 'Mister' wants out or have an affair.. Think about YOU first.. good luck!
Lizzie60 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 "Maybe I am just being irrational and he really is a great guy." lol, I know. If I pile up all the negatives then the answer is clear. I know it. I think I just need to have it drilled into my head from all angles (friends, family, here) to really hear it. I wonder how this ''all of a sudden' happened. Even when I told my girlfriend about him: not wanting to visit family with me, not wanting to go to my friend's wedding in the summer, saying he'll never change a diaper, won't be in the delivery room with me, will "allow" my cat to come visit and maybe live with him one day but after that no more cats (I love cats and would want one forever but he says he has allergies, despite him cuddling and playing with the cat at my house), he criticizes my friends and won't spend time with them, he refused to even meet my male friend that I've had for ten years, he is attached to the hip of his brother, he critizes his brother's wife and says she married his brother just for the money and prestige of being with a lawyer, he wants a prenup, he said he'll never pay spousal support if there was a divorce, he won't do a lot of the fun rec things I want to do, he won't go socialize in public in his home town, he bought me flowers once when we first started dating and said it is a waste of money because they get thrown in the garbage after a week (although he eats out all the time and spends a fortune on his clothes), I told him that if I lived with him then I would like a garden in the backyard and he said he doesn't want that in his yard, he told me that when I am done my master's program next year we'd go to New York or Vegas but now says he's not sure, he sent me Christmas cards both years but they are cards from his law firm with a personalized sentence from him inside, no anniversary card or actually any anniversary gift or activity (a dinner where it is romantic and we just appreciate each other and reflect on our year together would have been nice...in fact we have not been on a "date" where he plans it for almost 15 months, no birthday card (he got me a valentine's card both years), he told me that my brother's new gf won't ever be my sister in law b/c they will break up and I'll never see my niece or nephew after that, he won't go to church with me and he has not been since Christmas, but claims he is "Catholic" and I am sure that if we had kids he would pull that card out and insist his kids must be raised Catholic (though he doesn't attend and that is not my home church), he has said if I ever get fat he will leave me, he critizes people (scratch that) - he criticizes women on TV or in public if they are "fat", he calls the empire waisted tops that are in style "preggo tops" and tells me he never wants to see me in one, he told me that if I had made him wait more than a couple months for sex (I think it was about three months) then he would have dumped me. Holy mother....now that I just went on that rant/stroll down memory lane, I am not surprised my friend almost fell off her chair with what I had to say. And I can see why everyone on LS is like "what do YOU get from this relationship?" OMG.. I just read this post.. RRRRRUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN now.. trust me.. this guy is a total jerk.. YOU WILL REGRET IT one day if you leave all what you like behind you for this selfish jerk... Come on.. the choice is clear.. you can't be serious and doubt that this man CAN make you happy... trust me he won't .. you will be miserable and lonely... he's a control freak.. a woman hater... Gosh.. I just can't understand women sometimes..
carhill Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I'm surprised I didn't hear her footfalls leaving this relationship already Trust me, he won't miss you
Author Sweets1919 Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 (edited) Hi Carhill and Lizzie, It's great to get your replies. I think what happened is over the year and a half we've been together, things have just "piled up". The first comment about 'never change a diaper' and I think "oh, he'll change his mind". I asked him a couple times if he was serious, like if I was in the shower and the baby needed to be changed or if I was out with friends and he says "I'll hire you a nanny before I change a diaper" - as if I really want that (and as if I would find it in a small town)! I would want a husband who is not only willing to help but who wants to help out - be excited about planning for a baby and wanting to be a father and actually raising the child!!! Then it is the odd "fat" comment about other women. Even last week he said "so can you find my single brother a gf? make sure she's not fat". I call him on it every time, but same thing "this is the way I am, who wants a fat chick" blah blah. Why make those comments all the time? It is stupid. He is racist against other cultures that he has done business with and had bad experiences with "never trust a ___" he says, "they will screw you every time". It also bugs me that 90% of the time we go for dinner he takes a copy of the bill and uses it for his tax write offs as he did my will last year and now says "well, you're a client so it's a 'grey area'". God forbid an audit comes. But like I said, the horrendous things I mentioned in the above post happen off and on. Interspersed with that are fun times: renting a movie, going for coffee, making breakfast. I like doing those things, but like the title of my post said, I have a very strong feeling that this relationship not only goes against my ethics and values (accepting people, having a positive attitude, honesty, equality, family), but it would make me lose myself. The thought of me living in the dinky town and maybe getting a job at an office there (it's a gov't job I have) is freaking me out. Winter driving on snowy roads long distances is not something I would look forward to (I am in Alberta now). I asked him once about me staying home with the kids if we had them and he jokingly said "well you'd have to work because we need your benefits" - he makes it sound like a joke but I wonder if he is serious. It also bugs me that he is cheap - not even the cheapness, more that he is "not generous". The way he doesn't want to buy flowers because they will die (he learned this from his father who is a workaholic, millionnaire but a real penny pincher and hard on his three grown sons) and how when we took a trip this past fall to the Carribean (I paid for myself) that basically we took two excursions and he said 'pay me for one' so I said I'd give him $80 and I thought he was treating me and being nice and he said "no I mean one excursion for both of us so that is $160". 80 bucks is not the end of the world, but it showed me something about his character. He bought a house last summer, he put in a $5000 air conditioner, he tells me how he'll make over a hundred grand this year, bought a $10,000 quad in the summer and then says "i have a lot of expenses and I just took a week off work so I really need you to pay me the $160 not just $80". Yet, then a few weeks after we are back from our trip, he goes out and buys a $5000 home gym from a friend and then an elliptical machine for $4000 a week later!! Talk about insanity and me obviously not feeling like a priority. As a side note, ever since I have really felt this way (less sure of a 'future' with him, more self assured of doing what I want), he has sure been calling a lot. He is calling, texting, wondering if I'm Ok and why I haven't been calling, texting "just to say I love you". **He just called and we talked for a bit. He was saying that next weekend he'll come to town and we will do something fun like go to the farmer's market and go to a restaurant I like. This is the thing - yes I like doing those things, but without a real genuine emotional connection how can the relationship be genuine itself and deepen and grow? I really don't think he is able to express his emotions. Last week my stepmom sent him an email commending him on caring for his dad who has been sick and how bf has done a lot, but he then questions me on why she would be telling him all those 'nice' things to make him feel good and that he doesn't need to hear things like that and that he is 'tough'. Lizzie you are right - he is a control freak. Last May when I mentioned to him that I was wondering about our relationship and if we want the same things, he went ballistic. It was on the phone and I just said that I want a relationship that is heading towards a committed future together (with marriage and children on the agenda) and working together to figure out if we are a good match because I am not happy in a long distance relationship and I don't like feeling like we are not on the same page. I was 33 at the time and do not want to date for years and years without any feeling of developing the relationship/moving forward. He freaked and said things (that I wrote down so I didn't forget them) like: "if you think you can find someone better than me then go ahead and you'll regret it" and "I have a very high opinion of myself and I am offended that you think you can find someone better than me". I tried to explain that I would be looking for someone "better suited to me" but he was just purely "offended" and angry. He called later to apologize but I can't forget his hurtful words. No trying to understand me or feeling sad or reassurances about things working out - just anger towards me (and excuses about not having money for a wedding). Also, I have never talked to other bfs about marriage esp. after 8 months, but it was this current bf who said after two months of dating "I'm going to marry you some day" and he said "I love you" first. His mention of marriage was what got it in my head that if he "knows" it then why is he stalling? Now I see he must have been infatuated or trying to hook me b/c you can't be sure you're going to marry someone after two months. Another time in May 2007 he was at my house and my parents were visting and he touched my back and I was hot and irritated from cooking dinner and I snapped at him and told him not to do that. Well he f'ing hit the roof again and we had a fight in my room. He said "next time we're at my parents house I'll be sure to embarrass you in front of them". I told him I was sorry I snapped at him but he was being vengeful and I didn't like it. Well my head is sore from lots of thinking and not enough sleeping these past few days. Thanks!!!! to all of you for reading these posts and for your time and kind words of advice/input. It really is helpful though I know the situation seems obvious - I find it is just always harder to get out when you're the one in it. Edited March 29, 2008 by Sweets1919
carhill Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Narcissist? Has he ever said "Even if you leave, you'll always come back to me" ?? IMO, in a healthy relationship, there's the same dose of the "good things" without all the cr@p. There's always going to be good things. Unless those good things are important things, don't assign them more value than they deserve. It's the important stuff that you'll have to live with the rest of your life. You decide what's important to you. I'd take a break. You're smart. You have your own place. I'd be super cautious about letting any man move in (or you moving in with them) and definitely not this guy. Smartest thing my wife and I did was maintain separate residences until after we were married. If we get divorced, I'd never let a women live here unless I was married to her. Just too complicated for everyone. You can just stop dating the guy, which I'd recommend right now. Worth what you paid
Author Sweets1919 Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 (edited) Hey Carhill, He has said that if we ever break up then it is "over for good" and that there are no second chances. He has also said that I will compare any other boyfriend I ever have to him and that none of them will ever measure up to him. It's as if he wants to scare me so I won't even really consider breaking up with him ever because there is no going back. He also said things like "I believe there is one person for each person in this world and I know you are the one for me. But, if you are having doubts then it shows me that you are not the one for me and we can just end this right now". And no, thankfully we do not live together. We see each other most weekends from Friday at about 6 till Sunday around noon. He has said he'll never live with a gf before marriage. Sure, it makes him sound noble and like he has values, but it really comes down to wanting to protect his assets so no one can make a claim on them from being "commonlaw" as well as him wanting to "look good" in the community and to his family - though he has no problem not going to church and having premarital sex. Edited March 29, 2008 by Sweets1919
macon Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 Doesn't sound like you respect him much, and from what you say that's not surprising. Why would you consider marrying someone you don't respect? From all your posts I can only assume your self-esteem is very low. Realising that and taking steps to change it is the first step to becoming a happier person. There's been great advice here - you should follow some and stop obsessing about this man.
Lizzie60 Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I seriously think you should move on and leave him.. You KNOW right now that he's not 'suited' for you.. and if you go ahead and leave your goals to follow him.. you're asking for trouble.. and YOU KNOW it.. that's the sad part.. You realize you'll never be happy with him.. cause it won't get better, it will only go worst once you're married..then he'll have the big end of the stick.. Leave him now.. he won't change.. men as selfish as he is DO NOT change.. they only get worst. So if you go ahead with HIS plans.. then good luck to you.. cause I know you'll get hurt badly, and to be honest I do not have much patience with women who allow men to treat them like that especially when they're not even married to the jerk.. so this will be my last advice/post. Good luck.
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