armywife83 Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) Ok let me start by saying that I love my husband....completely...there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for him...I'm just stuck and confused and I have no idea what's wrong with me. Lately, I've been feeling like he's not attracted to me, I'm 6 months pregnant with our first baby, he's in the army and works all day, I go to college full-time. Let me start with the fact that we only have one car, so I wake up with him at 4 something in the morning and go with him to work to drop him off, then I come home, get maybe an hours worth of sleep again and go pick him up and drop him off again. Then my day starts...sort of. I get a shower, go to class, come home get ready to cook dinner and clean along with picking him up from work, coming back home to cook dinner while he plays guitar hero and watches his tv programs...all the while he's occasionally asking for something to drink or a snack from the kitchen...so I stop what I'm doing to get that, then go back to cooking his dinner. He doesn't seem interested in touching my stomach or interested in my pregnancy at all...he goes through the motions, he goes to the ultrasounds with me..brags to his family that it's a boy but other than that seems to have no consideration over the fact that I'm in pain sometimes and I dont feel good all the time. Also, he likes to go over to his friends house who is also married, but doesn't invite me to go along. He often refers to me as "the boss" when he's talking on the phone to his friends, but I don't act overbearing or anything like that for him to refer to me like that. I give him what he wants all the time...He hasn't slept in our bed for a week because he recently decided that he wanted a 70 pound lab...so he sleeps on the couch while the dog sleeps on the floor next to him. He hasn't tried to hug or hold me in what seems like months. He says he loves me when he gets out of the car to go to work, or when he's getting off the phone, but it just seems routine. He used to tell me I'm beautiful, but he doesn't anymore. Doesn't mention anything about me looking nice or thanks for dinner or the fact that I'm the woman he married at all. I don't really feel important, I rarely do things for myself because a lot of what I do has to be around his schedule. I don't remember the last time I was able to get my hair or nails done or have a day to myself. I gave up having friends for him, I don't talk to anyone which probably makes it worse...and on top of that he goes to his friends houses or worse has them come over to our house and I have no one to talk to or hang out with. I don't talk to any other females and I feel like a prisoner sometimes. He knows something is wrong, he keeps asking me, but I can't bring myself to tell him how I feel because I feel like he'll tell me to quit crying (because when i start to say things that bother me I get emotional and I cry when I'm trying to get words out) I feel just alone, what scares me is I'm worried that when the baby is born it's just going to be more for me to do and I won't get to enjoy being a new mother because I'll feel like it's just work and more on my list of things to do. When he comes home from work he'll nap on the couch leaving me with no place to sit or relax for myself so I'm stuck at the desk typing on the computer because it's some how a window to the world where I can talk to people, but he says he doesn't like it when I'm on myspace. Maybe if he'd have a conversation with me, I wouldn't feel so alone and feel like I had to talk to people on myspace. He hasn't tried to have sex with me in a week...I feel unattractive and completely alone..... I don't want to leave him, what do you think I should do? Edited March 27, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Needed spacing.
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Talk to him. tell him exactly what you said here and give him a chance to make it up to you. Also, you can't just up and leave him because you feel unattractive and completely alone. You're carrying his baby and you two are married. You both owe it to that unborn baby, let alone to eachother to TALK IT OUT and if needed, do marriage counselling. Men need to be told stuff, they can't read minds, so if you've hinted or just not said anything in hopes he'll notice something is wrong he isn't going to clue in.
BigJ Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) Most of that is all female and has to do with feelings and so I'm not gonna even guess what it means, but I know if you were my wife and it was my son I'd be really thrilled about the whole thing. I'd also not know how you would feel WRT the whole getting sexed up thing while our kid was sloshing around. If you want some sex you need to let him know. Edited March 27, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed uneeded comments
AgentD Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Hello armywife83, I don't have a reply to your post, but I do have a request that will help us to help you. Please seperate your longer paragraphs with spaces to ease reading. Thanks in Advance! AgentD
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I have to ask, do you go out with your friends and spend time alone with your own family sometimes?
Darth Vader Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Talk to him. tell him exactly what you said here and give him a chance to make it up to you. Also, you can't just up and leave him because you feel unattractive and completely alone. You're carrying his baby and you two are married. You both owe it to that unborn baby, let alone to eachother to TALK IT OUT and if needed, do marriage counselling. Men need to be told stuff, they can't read minds, so if you've hinted or just not said anything in hopes he'll notice something is wrong he isn't going to clue in. Yep I agree, you gotta talk to him. If he still doesn't get it, then tell him you've started thinking about other men, OK just kidding about that last part! But I'm sure if he doesn't listen, that'll be the next thing that happens!!
Author armywife83 Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 I have to ask, do you go out with your friends and spend time alone with your own family sometimes? I don't really have any friends partly because the people I hung around before I was married aren't exactly the people I would want to hang around now, they do a lot of drugs, which i never really got into, they go clubbing a lot and I don't really want to hang out with people like that especially with me being pregnant...there's other military wives here, but I don't really know them and my husband doesn't introduce me to them. We used to hang out with his friend and his girlfriend, but he doesn't like her so I don't hang with her anymore. As far as being with family, I see my parents on the weekends, but I wont be able to see them for much longer because we'll be moving to fort bliss in september. Which might make things worse because not only will I not know anyone there, but I also won't have any family there either. I've tried to tell him how I feel before and he makes me feel like I'm just crying and whining for no reason. I'm scared to bring up marriage counseling...
michelangelo Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 You may be getting emotional because you are pregnant. Combine that with him maybe unsure how to approach you for intimacy during this time and you have a problem. Are you sure it has been months? You said, "like months". did you really mean it has been a long time in your mind or did you mean literally, 2,3, 4 months?
annieo Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Army Wife, marriage ain't easy. But if you want to make it work for you as well as him, you've got to be honest. For your own peace of mind, if nothing else. So you cry when you talk about emotional stuff when you're pregnant, so what? You're a woman, not a Vulcan. It won't kill him to witness a little emotion. He might not get it, might be a little freaked out and respond as such, but he still deserves to know how you're feeling. If you tell him with love, out of a desire to be with him and make things wonderful between the two of you, hopefully he'll see the point in the discussion. And as previous posters have noted, men are generally not great at the mind reading thing. If you're not complaining, then all is well, in his opinion. When the two of you get home, instead of rushing off to the kitchen, sit down on the couch, put your feet up and have a nap. It'll be good for you and for the baby. He can get his own snacks, he won't starve. Trust me, once the kid comes, you'll have another person who depends on you for sustinence. I have two (11 and 13) and I would swear they were weaned yesterday, the way they whine for freshly prepared food every hour. If I didn't occassionally lie down and say, "If you're hungry, you know where the fridge is." I would have dropped dead from exhaustion a few years ago. Carve out some space for you, set your limits, and for god's sake, don't silence yourself for the sake of momentary peace. You'll just grow a tumour of resentment.
SoxPrincess Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 From one Army Wife to another...(((HUGS))) I know it's not easy, I've been married for 10 years now but we've been together since he joined the Army so a total of 13 years now. I've been where you are, heck sometimes, I'm still there; especially because my is currently a Recruiter and he works 7 days a week, 15 hours a day. I am the Family Support Group Leader for our Company so hopefully I can help you with that aspect. I don't want to ask you where you're stationed because the internet is a scary place and I don't think you have enough posts yet to accept or send PM's so I'll have to give you general information and hope it applies to you. When we were stationed in West Point, NY I had a very difficult time making friends because it is primarily an Officer based post and very few enlisted wives..you really have to seek things out though. Can you go to the local MWR office and find out if there are "clubs" or get togethers that enlisted wives can join (assuming you're enlisted, if not, do the opposite and find officers wives clubs). It doesn't need to be some sewing circle, but most times there are get together coffees, activities, etc.; there may even be a group of pregnant wives that get together and talk about the difficulties of being pregnant and an Army Wife (you can check the hospital for those types of things too). Since you mentioned that your Husband doesn't introduce you to his co-workers wives, can you contact your FRG Leader and attend meetings to get to know people on your own? I always met a lot of people when I went to those "selling" parties ie: Tupperware, PartyLite, Pampered Chef..someone is always hawking stuff on an Army Base I hated going to them because they corner you into buying stuff, but I also met a lot of friends this way too! I also think you'll meet more people once you have your baby because eventually you'll get him/her into preschool, different social activities and you'll meet other Moms in your situation too! Now as far as your marriage goes..when our marriage was in a very tough spot recently, I contacted Military OneSource. It's an organization that is available 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. They offer marriage counseling and if you're husband isn't willing to try that just yet, they also offer individual counseling which will at least allow you to have someone LISTEN to you and offer support. They will find a local counselor based on what you tell them your needs are and the first six sessions are free; after those six sessions they assess the situation and if you need more, those are either free also or very, very reduced. You can go to http://www.militaryonesource.com or http://www.armyonesource.com to get their telephone number and as I said, they are available ALL the time. This is a fantastic resource and one I highly recommend to someone in your situation. If your husband isn't willing to talk to you when you bring up your issues as someone else suggested (trying to talk to him first is always a good idea); then if nothing else, take care of yourself, your emotional needs and your baby FIRST. Do whatever you can to enrich your own life because you're 6 months pregnant, you've got a full schedule with driving your husband around and going to school...you don't need this stress!! Hopefully once you talk to your husband and open the lines of communication he'll be receptive, but if not, individual counseling will help you learn new techniques for coping and maybe some different ideas on how to approach him...as I said, at the bare minimum it will give YOU someone to talk to who will listen. I'll keep you in my thoughts and if you have any other questions that I can help answer, let me know!! PS: Do you plan on enrolling at the hospitals Childbirth Classes? If so, I wonder if doing these will help open your husband up about your pregnancy and allow him to become more involved in it. I'm pretty sure that you can enroll during the last few weeks of your pregnancy, but every post varies so I'd check at the hospital.
Author armywife83 Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 (edited) I want to enroll in the childbirth classes but I doubt he would go with me...He's already made it clear that he may faint and I should try to have my mom with me in the delivery room too in case he passes out... I just found out today that he has almost 800.00 in the bank...i'm kind of pissed because he knows that i'm struggling to put gas in the car to go back and forth to school and trying to make food out of what we have left in the kitchen from when I went shopping 2 weeks ago...I'm not on his checking account and he keeps saying he's going to put me on it...but whenever he gets off work all he wants to do is play video games and sleep... He had a funeral detail today so he's gone all night and won't be back until tomorrow night...and I basically have 20 bucks left to myself until my own money of 800 comes in that I live off for the whole month... I tried to talk to him last night and he listened but I dont think he "got it"...basically...i cried...he hugged me...said I wasn't just the person who gets him mountain dew while he's playing video games and cooks him dinner and said..."well i'm tired...i'm going to sleep" also...he recently got a 70 pound lab on monday...we're on the week trial thing for the adoption...but I hate the dog...I'm the one who feeds him and walks him yet he still pulls me around and even pulled me down and made me fall 3 times already...he wont listen when I try to tell him to stop...but listens to whatever my husband says AND HE DOESN'T EVEN WALK THE DAMN THING! I tried to tell him that the dog pulled me down..and he's like "quit letting him man handle you like that" LOL well i'm sorry but i'm 6 months pregnant and trying to just stand up...maybe my husband doesn't realize that my sense of balance is off right now because my stomach is way out there...but if the dog is standing in front of me and pulls...i'm going with it..... I want to get rid of the dog basically because I'm the one who takes care of it...my husband just hangs out with it and says "oh he's such a good dog...how squishy..." and i'm worried that if he gets deployed to iraq i'm going to have to take care of a dog who doesn't listen...has chewed up the walls in our military housing ALREADY....the window blinds...and some of my husbands army gear...and I'll have to take care of the baby AND this dog... we're still in the trial period for the adoption process...how can I tell my husband that I don't think we should keep him without sounding like some heartless animal hating bitch...I love dogs...I really do...We already have a chihuahua and the lab won't quit pestering her either... Edited March 28, 2008 by armywife83
melodicmaybe Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 This is going to sound harsh, but please understand that I've been in a situation similar to the one you're in now and I have nothing but empathy for what you're going through. STOP BEING A DOORMAT. I'll say it again, STOP BEING A DOORMAT. Why should he treat you any differently when you're making it so abundantly clear to him that you're a-ok with being treated the way he's treating you. (ie you still bring him his snacks and clean the house and cook his meals and oh so considerately tolerate him ditching you to sleep with the damn dog.) You love him, so it's only right that you make sacrifices in the relationship, right? Because that's what people who love each other do, right? It's supposed to be a two way street though. You guys are supposed to be looking out for each other. And he may be a really nice guy, I don't know, but any guy who won't let his six months pregnant wife even sit on the couch at the end of the day is being an inconsiderate jerk, nice guy or not. He could nap on the bed. This has been a gradual process, right? He didn't just up and start ignoring you all at once. It's a day by day thing -- just a little here and a little there. He had a hard day; he doesn't feel like talking. He's been in the field, he doesn't want to snuggle. "I work all day, blah blah blah, etc etc" Emotional neglect is such an insidious and gradual thing that usually you don't even realize it's happening until it's gotten as bad as it is right now. So, hon, stop letting him treat you that way. Grow a spine, assert yourself, and quit letting him get away with this crap. And it is complete crap. " Also, he likes to go over to his friends house who is also married, but doesn't invite me to go along." Do you even know if his friend is there when he's visiting? CRAP. "He often refers to me as "the boss" when he's talking on the phone to his friends, but I don't act overbearing or anything like that for him to refer to me like that. I give him what he wants all the time..." Of course he refers to you that way. Not only does he get to make you wonder if you're being too demanding, he gets sympathy points from his friends because of how 'in control' you are in the relationship. Guilty you, sympathetic them. CRAP. "He hasn't slept in our bed for a week because he recently decided that he wanted a 70 pound lab...so he sleeps on the couch while the dog sleeps on the floor next to him." Words just about fail me with this one... *shakes head* Crap doesn't even begin to describe how d|ckish this is... Again, CRAP. But honestly, to HELL WITH WHAT HE'S DOING -- what concerns me the most is what YOU are doing and not doing. "I rarely do things for myself because a lot of what I do has to be around his schedule. I don't remember the last time I was able to get my hair or nails done or have a day to myself. I gave up having friends for him, I don't talk to anyone which probably makes it worse..." I know you love him... You wouldn't be with him if you didn't. But don't you think that you deserve to be happy as well? Are you not as good as he is, that he should be able to get what he needs but you don't have to?? *sigh* Self sacrifice IS a virtue, and I think it's definitely a cornerstone of any loving relationship -- but taken too far and it's stops being healthy and just becomes martyrdom. Think about this. Start asserting yourself. People generally treat you exactly the way you allow them to. And I know this has been long, so thank you for bearing with me, but one last thing and I'm speaking from experience - GET RID of that damned dog. He's already destroying your home, and in base housing that's a VERY BIG deal. I'm an animal lover myself, but I can tell you, this dog is going to make your life an absolute MISERY. Imagine this, what are you going to do with the dog when your husband is on a month long field problem and you have a newborn to take care of? Potentially a colicky newborn or even just one that's kept you up most of the night like babies usually do? Trying to juggle an upcoming move, an infant, and an unruly big dog is going to bring you a world of grief. I know you want your husband to be happy, but seriously, PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN, and make him get rid of the dog. And I'm really sorry if any of this has come across in an abrasive manner. I've just -- been there and it didn't end well for anyone involved.
Darth Vader Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I want to enroll in the childbirth classes but I doubt he would go with me...He's already made it clear that he may faint and I should try to have my mom with me in the delivery room too in case he passes out... I just found out today that he has almost 800.00 in the bank...i'm kind of pissed because he knows that i'm struggling to put gas in the car to go back and forth to school and trying to make food out of what we have left in the kitchen from when I went shopping 2 weeks ago...I'm not on his checking account and he keeps saying he's going to put me on it...but whenever he gets off work all he wants to do is play video games and sleep... He had a funeral detail today so he's gone all night and won't be back until tomorrow night...and I basically have 20 bucks left to myself until my own money of 800 comes in that I live off for the whole month... I tried to talk to him last night and he listened but I dont think he "got it"...basically...i cried...he hugged me...said I wasn't just the person who gets him mountain dew while he's playing video games and cooks him dinner and said..."well i'm tired...i'm going to sleep" also...he recently got a 70 pound lab on monday...we're on the week trial thing for the adoption...but I hate the dog...I'm the one who feeds him and walks him yet he still pulls me around and even pulled me down and made me fall 3 times already...he wont listen when I try to tell him to stop...but listens to whatever my husband says AND HE DOESN'T EVEN WALK THE DAMN THING! I tried to tell him that the dog pulled me down..and he's like "quit letting him man handle you like that" LOL well i'm sorry but i'm 6 months pregnant and trying to just stand up...maybe my husband doesn't realize that my sense of balance is off right now because my stomach is way out there...but if the dog is standing in front of me and pulls...i'm going with it..... I want to get rid of the dog basically because I'm the one who takes care of it...my husband just hangs out with it and says "oh he's such a good dog...how squishy..." and i'm worried that if he gets deployed to iraq i'm going to have to take care of a dog who doesn't listen...has chewed up the walls in our military housing ALREADY....the window blinds...and some of my husbands army gear...and I'll have to take care of the baby AND this dog... we're still in the trial period for the adoption process...how can I tell my husband that I don't think we should keep him without sounding like some heartless animal hating bitch...I love dogs...I really do...We already have a chihuahua and the lab won't quit pestering her either... Your hubby is living in a dream world, Lady! Anything damaged in Military housing is your husbands responsibility! Not yours! He needs to be made aware of that! Your hubby sounds lazy, too, oh sure everyone gets lazy at times, but, there are limits. You're going to have to suggest marriage counseling, because he's not pulling his end! This is the typical senario that a wife tries her hardest to comunicate with her husband, but he won't listen, then she ends up having an affair on him,(which should NEVER be done, no excuse here!) and he's destroyed because of it. It may not have happened yet, but I wonder how much longer that it'll be until you just happen to run into that someone who understands you! Look out for when that happens, and stay away from that person when it does! We're here for you, and we're willing to help!
TechDude Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I want to enroll in the childbirth classes but I doubt he would go with me...He's already made it clear that he may faint and I should try to have my mom with me in the delivery room too in case he passes out... Is he a man or a mouse? Don't give him a choice. I just found out today that he has almost 800.00 in the bank...i'm kind of pissed because he knows that i'm struggling to put gas in the car to go back and forth to school and trying to make food out of what we have left in the kitchen from when I went shopping 2 weeks ago...I'm not on his checking account and he keeps saying he's going to put me on it...but whenever he gets off work all he wants to do is play video games and sleep...You need to put your foot down about this. Tell him that until the account is in joint names, he can do the shopping. also...he recently got a 70 pound lab on monday...we're on the week trial thing for the adoption...but I hate the dog...For crying out loud, does he have no idea? You are 6 months pregnant, the last thing you need to be doing is looking after a new dog as well. We did the same thing - bought a dog (a beagle) while my wife was pregnant ... quickly figured out it was the wrong thing to do and got rid of it. If it is a trial thing, call the people yourself and tell them you can't keep it. You DON'T want to be stuck with it. I'm the one who feeds him and walks him yet he still pulls me around and even pulled me down and made me fall 3 times already What are you going to do when the baby arrives? AND HE DOESN'T EVEN WALK THE DAMN THING! If he is going to act like a child, then treat him like a child. He isn't looking after it, so it goes. LOL well i'm sorry but i'm 6 months pregnant and trying to just stand up... is a challenge all in itself. ...maybe my husband doesn't realize that my sense of balance is off right now because my stomach is way out there Seems there are a lot of things he doesn't realise at the moment. I want to get rid of the dog basically because I'm the one who takes care of it So, please, get rid of it. we're still in the trial period for the adoption process...how can I tell my husband that I don't think we should keep him without sounding like some heartless animal hating bitchPoint out that you are about to have a baby and that is going to be hard enough without worrying about a new dog as well. Suggest that you could revisit the dog thing when the kid is about 4 or 5.
SoxPrincess Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I have quite a bit to add but I'm in a rush this morning to catch a flight but wanted to mention one thing. As a member of the military and you being his spouse..he CANNOT keep money, debit cards, etc away from you. Last year when my H & I were in a very bad place, he cut up my debit card and left me with no access to money. I waited a few weeks to see if he would get me a new one and when he didn't, I went to talk to his Squad Leader who called him in on the spot and made him give me HIS debit card. I didn't want to go there because I knew he'd get in trouble, but I had a right to access money just as he did and just as YOU do. If this continues, please consider speaking to one of his superiors; you do not need nor deserve to be treated like this. As I said, I have more to add..I'll check in tomorrow when I can!
Recommended Posts