theBrokenMuse Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 My husband completely changed from the person he was when we were dating. I don't even recognize him anymore. He used to be very supportive and laid back and now he is controlling and criticizes me constantly. He hasn't done anything really nice for me or bought me a gift in over a year unless you count the Kit Kat Bar he got for me at the gas station on his way home from work on Valentine's Day. We used to love to go out and do things together every weekend. We've only gone out once by ourselves in two years and that was out of obligation to his family. He always makes excuses why he can't go last minute so I stopped asking and he's never once attempted to take the initiative. He'll jump at the chance to go out places with his friends though. He used to make me feel like a queen and now I don't feel appreciated or loved in the slightest. He used to be very kind and now his selfishness knows no bounds. I used to feel at ease talking to him about anything and now I am afraid to even open my mouth to speak. I feel like I am married to a complete stranger.
jmargel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Have you talked to him about this? What was his response? Have you tried marriage counseling? Sounds like you are not getting anything out of this relationship. Do you still want to be married to him?
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Tell him exactly what you said here. Then decide together to either fix your marriage by going to counselling or have a trial separation or even divorce. Seems you two have grown apart, and completely stopped communicating. Can you remember waaay back when, when things started changing? When resentments build up and each person in a marriage stays quiet about it, people change and grow apart. They do nothing as it's easier to let it slide on by and detach emotionally bit by bit. That's how many up end as "roommates" and usually one or both people have affairs. Talk to him, lay it ALL out on the line. Either good will come of it and you two will work hard together to recapture what once was, or the marriage will end. You and he can't stay in a marriage when you're both miserable. That sucks for both of you.
Curmudgeon Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 My husband completely changed from the person he was when we were dating. I don't even recognize him anymore. He used to be very supportive and laid back and now he is controlling and criticizes me constantly. He hasn't done anything really nice for me or bought me a gift in over a year unless you count the Kit Kat Bar he got for me at the gas station on his way home from work on Valentine's Day. We used to love to go out and do things together every weekend. We've only gone out once by ourselves in two years and that was out of obligation to his family. He always makes excuses why he can't go last minute so I stopped asking and he's never once attempted to take the initiative. He'll jump at the chance to go out places with his friends though. He used to make me feel like a queen and now I don't feel appreciated or loved in the slightest. He used to be very kind and now his selfishness knows no bounds. I used to feel at ease talking to him about anything and now I am afraid to even open my mouth to speak. I feel like I am married to a complete stranger. That's no way to live or to keep a marriage alive. How is you communication? Can you have conversations rather than confrontations? If so, perhaps the both of you would benefit from an article that actually appeared in today's newspaper. Here it is. How not to take your spouse for granted By Jeff Herring - McClatchy Newspapers Published 12:00 am PDT Thursday, March 27, 2008 Story appeared in SCENE section, Sacramento Bee Marriage can be one of the quickest and most effective paths to taking someone special for granted. We don't mean to do it. It just sort of creeps up on us before we know it. All of a sudden we are treating someone who should be cherished in some pretty shabby ways. So let's look at a few ways we take our spouses for granted, and then look at some tips for cherishing the person we married. How to ignore your spouse • Believe that marriage seals the contract – end of transaction and the work is over. • Stop doing all the things you did to court and win your partner. • Stop seeing your partner for who she/he really is. • Stop seeing your partner at all. • See your partner as the enemy, someone who is in the way. • Fail to learn from experience. • Believe that you deserve to be loved just by showing up. • Behave in ways that demonstrate you know nothing about the person you married, or you don't care about what you know. If you see yourself in any of the examples above, you're not alone. This goes on more often than you might think. The good news is you recognize it. How to cherish your spouse • See her/him, really see her/him. • Don't just remember – celebrate your anniversary each year. • Celebrate each month on the date of your wedding. • Be creative. While it's good to keep doing the things you did when you were dating, it's not enough. Get creative and keep improving on the good things you have done. • Know your spouse. Do a "study" on him/her. And then use what you learn. • Listen to your partner's dreams. • Make special time each day for your partner. We make time in our day for so many trivial things. Why not make time for the very important people? If you are out of town, connect by phone or e-mail, and/or leave a note she/he will find while you're gone. • Don't just cherish your partner, but cherish your partner's parents as well. If for no other reason than for bringing your spouse into the world. You may have your differences with them, but honoring them honors your spouse. • Make memories. Ask your spouse what a perfect day would look like, and then create as much of it as you can. • Get a sheet of paper and list what your partner does that makes you happy and his/her qualities you most admire. Then give your partner the list. • Develop a mind-set and a heart-set that searches for daily opportunities to show how much you cherish your spouse. When you step back and look at the differences between the above two categories, it really is much easier to cherish than it is to take for granted. It also makes life a whole lot better for both of you. About the writer: •Jeff Herring is a marriage and family therapist. E-mail him at [email protected].
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