LDR fights and GF's low self esteem (i think)... How can I fix this?

[j_hunt_12]

Me and my GF have been in LDR 4 months without seeing each other... 1.5 months to go before we meet up again. We been dating 5 months and knew each other a little longer..

 

Anyways, Just yesterday my GF texted me asking me to get on MSN (I can only receive her text, I cannot write back...we do not have scheduled times to speak we just speak on MSN when we are both on) I was at a party but still went to a computer to tell her I loved her but that I didn't MSN at the time because on this computer we didn't have it. I thought no problem, but then she texted me again and again about how angry she was until she finally wrote something along the lines of "you are a lier and you don't deserve me". I got upset, left the party, and went to a nearby internet cafe and simply told her how upset I was that she said that and I explained my situation again. When we finally got online together we spoke and she begged for forgiveness, and told me that she is a "stupid girl". In the four or so fights we have had she always reacts like this when I express in anyway that I am upset too... Even if I am in the wrong she will react like this although I will be asking her to forgive me. Her reaction is so anti-productive and so impossible to speak back to... Once we speak to each other on the phone or MSN that is all she will ever say... Then it is up to me to actually try to solve our problems and get everything back on track...

 

We don't fight often but we have just had two fights in the past two weeks which is really a lot for us... we've had like 4 throughout the whole relationship. She has done this before though, even before the LDR started, but I really just want to know if there is any way to fix these arguments because she (maybe I am wrong, and correct me if I am) really does get mad for the smallest reasons. And then when I argue back she just says "you are right I'm stupid... I'm so sorry... blah blah blah"... What's up? How to fix? thanks

[Miad's Princess]

She seems like she is very insecure, try to be patient with her and constantly reassure her of your loyalty in your relationship. To be honest though she might continue the same way. (I can be like her sometimes) Just try your best but also talk to her about how this makes you feel !

 

Best Wishes!!

[sugarsoul]

I am also in a LDR (for about 9 months now) and I can be pretty insecure.

 

what my boyfriend does everything he can to make me less worried about him (he lives in a different country). I think the main thing is to get a phone that actually send texts to her.

 

sometimes msn is not enough because you always have to be by the computer all the time. sometimes the most simple things can avoid so many problems later on.

 

plus, just to make me feel involved in his life, he sometimes sends me photos of funny or interesting things he sees on his way to work or what not.

 

we also do web cam on the weekends, and he sends me texts before he goes out, so i know he is away from his computer, or when he is busy, he will text me too...this eliminates a lot of misunderstanding. something as easy as that, helps a lot!

[j_hunt_12]

test

 

testing testing....

[Cov]

What's up? How to fix? thanks

 

What's up? Your girlfriend is insecure and does seem to have low self-esteem. Low self-esteem equates to a red flag in my book and a major red flag at that. Her action's are petty, selfish and tiresome, but understandable given her evident esteem issues. You're not helping matters either and here's why. Firstly I can understand that you care for her and left the party to make sure she was alright and you clearly wanted to reassure you and her and clear up any grey areas right?

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to clear things up, but you running to her every whim won't help matters in the long run. Her message to you was not only childish in the extreme, but it was also very manipulative. And by you leaving the party early, you effectively shot yourself in the toe with regards to having sometime alone at a party to enjoy yourself.

 

How to fix it? You can't fix anything, your girlfriend has to get her house in order and fix her own self-esteem issues which is where I believe the insecurity stems from. You can offer her support, but as I found out, it is going to become very tiring, very repetitive and will add extra strain to your relationship, but if you truly love her as you have told her, then you should get through this bad patch.

 

I suggest you sit down and talk to your girlfriend about why you are arguing and try and assess the situation pragmatically and sensibly and see where that leads.

 

 

She seems like she is very insecure, try to be patient with her and constantly reassure her of your loyalty in your relationship. To be honest though she might continue the same way. (I can be like her sometimes) Just try your best but also talk to her about how this makes you feel !

 

Best Wishes!!

 

Reassure her constantly? He's not her father, he's her boyfriend and she has a mind of her own, she should think for herself. My ex-girlfriend wanted a lot of reassurance because of her low self-esteem and no matter how many times I reassured her (through action) she was still ignorant and in the end she was bringing me down with her, so I was relieved when she split up with me. And to prove male action speaks louder than male words, the OP left a party earlier to find an internet cafe to resolve the situation, how's that for commitment and loyalty?

 

He needs to have a long talk with her, and then show her he is committed to her through action's, but I have a gut feeling that no matter how many conversations they have and no matter how much he shows his affection, commitment, love and loyalty to her, her low self-esteem will cast the final stone.

Edited March 29, 2008 by Cov
typo's.

[dancinggal]

Well, I think its important for you to know that even people who have no fights whatsoever when they are together will bicker and argue when they are apart. The emotional pressure you guys are feeling is enormous, you miss each other, but can't have each other even just to chat when you feel low. I know that for me, this is hard.

 

I admit, sometimes I feel upset when my boyfriend doesn't text me back straight away if I text him and tell him about how bad my day was or how stressed or sad or angry I am. Even if I'm happy and I want to share it with him, and he doesn't text back in an hour or so, I kind of get down, and then he'll later text me about it, and I'm like, too late, its over now, lol.

 

Unfortunately, there is no easy fix. Her reaction is understandable, but at the same time, she needs to learn to control those emotions, which comes with experience and maturity. Believe me, in the beginning of our LDR, I would react, let's say, unfavourably to not getting the communication when I wanted it from my boyfriend. But after 10 months apart, I've got it into my head (finally) that the time difference and hours we work mean that it will be impossible for either of us to be there for each other when we need it the most. Like, I miss him most when I to sleep, but texting him then will not result in a text back because he'll have just started work. When he goes to sleep and wants to text me good night, its the middle of my work day. And yeah, at first it was frustrating and hurt. But you learn to deal with the situation, and I find myself needing his attention in this way less and less, and I find other things to distract me.

 

Like I said, this comes from time and maturity.

 

I would say it isn't that she is insecure, she just misses being close to you. You should like you are doing everything great, trying to contact her as soon as she texts you, so its not like you can do much more in that sense. Make sure you tell her that you are always thinking about, and that way, she might find it less important to have constant contact with you.

 

In regards to her comments about her being a 'stupid girl', well in that situation, it sounds like she just doesn't like the fact that she made a big deal out of something that wasn't. Its important for you both to acknowledge that its a hard situation, but at least you only have 1.5 months to go! Hang on, you're almost at the end.

[j_hunt_12]

I love the difference between the guy's answer here and the girls' answers... haha

 

1.5 months and I will see her 3 days... the end is far off. Well everything seemed to be ok then I called her and now we have this whole other problem to deal which I don't even feel like writting about now. It is just one of these ****y times in our relationship amplified greatly by the distance. I guess she is not too bad about stuff... she really is a great girl and better than most about not nagging, but these past few weeks have just been rough. The truth is with pretty much all girls, no matter how hard you try you will always mess up. It is the classic misunderstanding between sexes... We just got to bear it out...

 

Thanks for all the help, I was trying to reassure her and stuff, but then something else came up and I got upset (probably for bad reasons but still) and now we can't talk for a few days because it is the weekend and she never has internet then...

[j_hunt_12]

I love the difference between the guy's answer here and the girls' answers... haha

 

1.5 months and I will see her 3 days... the end is far off. Well everything seemed to be ok then I called her and now we have this whole other problem to deal which I don't even feel like writting about now. It is just one of these ****y times in our relationship amplified greatly by the distance. I guess she is not too bad about stuff... she really is a great girl and better than most about not nagging, but these past few weeks have just been rough. The truth is with pretty much all girls, no matter how hard you try you will always mess up. It is the classic misunderstanding between sexes... We just got to bear it out...

 

Thanks for all the help, I was trying to reassure her and stuff, but then something else came up and I got upset (probably for bad reasons but still) and now we can't talk for a few days because it is the weekend and she never has internet then...

[Cov]

. Its important for you both to acknowledge that its a hard situation, but at least you only have 1.5 months to go! Hang on, you're almost at the end.

 

This is true, but it's also important for her to acknowledge her boyfriend has a life of his own to live and she can't expect him to drop everything at a drop of a hat because she wants him to or expects him to. That's selfish behaviour and I certainly wouldn't stand for it, long distance, short distance, semi long distance, semi short distance. He needs to also accept that he can't solve every problem in their relationship and this problem is not one of his making and he cannot solve it, only she can, by showing a higher level of tolerance, self control, patience and maturity (which you stated earlier).

 

And if she is going to behave like an insecure, needy woman everytime they do not see each other for a month or so, then she'll eventually hammer the final nail in coffin and that will be a perfectly nice relationship down the toilet. That's worth noting, too.

[dancinggal]

I agree, which is why I said she needs to learn to accept the situation and learn to deal with it.

 

Unfortunately, you don't just decide to forget those feelings, you learn to deal with them. I'm not saying her behaviour is acceptable, I'm just telling the guy who asked for advice what's going on in her head.

 

As for the 'needy woman' comment, well, the fact that they are 6000 miles away from each other should imply that she is quite independant to a certain degree. She just gets lonely sometimes as well all do, and hasn't worked out how to deal with it. Unfortunately, the best solution I can come up with is communication and patience. But being only 1.5 months till the see each other, its not going to be so bad anyway.