EMBeee Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) Hi all, in case you haven't read my other posts I am just gonna sum things up briefly. -I'm new to long distance relationships (this is my very first) -Been in one since January (so not very long ago did it start) -Started out wonderful - First emailing each other, then texts everyday all day, then it moved to IM and then talking all night long. -He's actually a childhood friend of mine and we reconnected after 15 years. -We actually were talking to one another for a year before we took it to the next level. -I will be seeing him for the first time in 16 years in about 27 days. You're wondering why I'm bummed out? Well... things went from communicating everyday all day to only maybe 20 mins of talking on the phone just to say "What? I didn't hear you can you say that again" He knows that I have a routine to call him right when I get off from work every night but lately (for the last 3 or 4 days) he's "sleeping"... so tonight I am not even gonna bother and just let him sleep because chances are he's gonna be sleeping. I rarely ever get a text from him anymore He used to text me throughout the day to tell me he misses me or needs me or he can't wait to see me or good morning or I can't wait to make love to you. I LOVED that, and now I feel deprived and neglected because he stopped doing those things. I'm just really sad because I've done all that I can to make sure that he knows I'm thinking of him and that I care for him and feel that I'm the one making the effort, i've even sent him gifts here and there and nothing from him. And now I see him soon and I guess I don't know where he stands anymore and that makes me depressed and I feel like a fool since I'm the one going there to see him. Things started out innocent with us and became very intense very fast, do you think he's losing interest in me because it all happened so quick? I've gotten better now but when I don't hear from him I get very anxious and sad... I miss him so much! He says he misses me but don't you think that if he misses me he would contact me more? I've decided that I'm not gonna contact him as often as I have and it could go either way... he'll either miss me more because he doesn't hear from me or he'll think I'm no longer interested because I haven't been contacting him... what do you think? Is this pretty typical in an LDR? Any insight would be great! Thanks! Also.... he does have trust issues because his ex cheated on him. He has asked me if I'm interested in any other guys and he has made sure to let me know that I'm his girl and he's my man. He did express to me when we first became "intimate" through technology that he is very afraid of falling in love and getting hurt again. He has asked me that I don't hurt him - which I have no plans to... but I can see how he is distancing himself if he thinks he's getting too attached because of the distance (i live in MN and he in VA). Does that make any sense or am I just looking too much into it? Thanks Edited March 27, 2008 by EMBeee
Habibti Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Ah, where to begin tackling.. Well firstly- I want to let you know that it seems typical in ALL TYPES of relationships- not just LDR that one partner begins to feel deprived/unfulfilled/underappreciated once the novelty wears off. Sometimes it is legitimate- the excitement of the relationship was the novelty and once that is gone- POOF the interest is all faded out. I am more tempted to say this might be the sad truth in your situation because it seems awfully early on for this to just be the comfort stage in a loving,serious relationship. Often times too much, too soon is all about a fantasy and once reality sets in the incentive is no longer there. Being that he knew you for so long there's a chance he's just placating at this point and trying to let you down easy. But hey, you let us know what the reality turns out to be you know? Only so much you can guage sometimes from a post on the internet.
Author EMBeee Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Ah, where to begin tackling.. Well firstly- I want to let you know that it seems typical in ALL TYPES of relationships- not just LDR that one partner begins to feel deprived/unfulfilled/underappreciated once the novelty wears off. Sometimes it is legitimate- the excitement of the relationship was the novelty and once that is gone- POOF the interest is all faded out. I am more tempted to say this might be the sad truth in your situation because it seems awfully early on for this to just be the comfort stage in a loving,serious relationship. Often times too much, too soon is all about a fantasy and once reality sets in the incentive is no longer there. Being that he knew you for so long there's a chance he's just placating at this point and trying to let you down easy. But hey, you let us know what the reality turns out to be you know? Only so much you can guage sometimes from a post on the internet. Thank you for your response! So, if this is the case, and he is losing interest (which I don't understand why he lead me on and took the friendship to the next level by telling me he is falling for me when i specifically told him not to if he isn't serious) what will happen to us when i go there to see him? Do you think I'm being a fool for going there? Or do you think the feelings will intensify? He did tell me last week that he's been a bit depressed lately - could that be the cause of him not talking to me as much? He does call me though don't get me wrong. I just feel that when I do call him I feel like I am making him obligated to talk to me which isn't the case at all. I honestly think i'm looking too much into this Because I do have a tendency to over-analize things which is a bad trait of mine.
MeloraB Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I've decided that I'm not gonna contact him as often as I have and it could go either way... he'll either miss me more because he doesn't hear from me or he'll think I'm no longer interested because I haven't been contacting him... what do you think? Is this pretty typical in an LDR? Any insight would be great! Thanks! This is kind of tricky, it can go either way like you said. Either he'll start contacting you more or he'll just be "oh well, whatever". I did this. I stop calling my boyfriend after he stopped contacting me for a while and he just panicked. He's started calling me almost everyday making sure I was ok and nothing was going on. My advice is that you should indeed stop contacting him for a while, and see what he does. GOOD LUCK! The way I see this phenomenon is that they sort of start taking you granted and so they think that it's not necessary to talk so often. MEN!
Author EMBeee Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 This is kind of tricky, it can go either way like you said. Either he'll start contacting you more or he'll just be "oh well, whatever". I did this. I stop calling my boyfriend after he stopped contacting me for a while and he just panicked. He's started calling me almost everyday making sure I was ok and nothing was going on. My advice is that you should indeed stop contacting him for a while, and see what he does. GOOD LUCK! The way I see this phenomenon is that they sort of start taking you granted and so they think that it's not necessary to talk so often. MEN! This is exactly what I wanted to do, but I feel so heartbroken when I don't contact him because I want him to know that I'm thinking of him and let him know how special he is to me
MeloraB Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 (edited) Believe me I KNOW how it feels. You don't know how many times I said to myself "Oh, I'm NOT going to call him today" and well, you know, a few hours later you could find me dialing the 20+ numbers, just to get a "Oh I'm tired" or "Can I call you later? I'm having lunch with some friends" but if you stop trying to contact him so often and he really likes you chances are that he's going to be more attentive. Just try and let us know how it goes . All these silly games, I tell you... Edited March 28, 2008 by MeloraB
traveller991 Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 I don't know what to say - I stopped calling my LDR bf to see what would happen - and NOTHING happened. As in, I have never heard from him again! Last thing he said to me was "I'll call you tomorrow, darling". This is after two years, by the way. So I waited and waited and I am still waiting over two months later. We called each other every 2 - 3 days, but lately I had felt that when I called him he was harried, often it went to voicemail, etc. so I decided to see what would happen. I still don't want to call him - I am in his country now and I don't know if he knows I'm here or not but I would assume so - it's a very small town and eveyone knows everyone. I guess I'm more interested in keeping my dignity than anything plus I don't want to hear what I don't want to hear. In my case I felt he was losing interest and I wanted to see what he'd do. Well he did nothing. My only thoughts for you are to cool it a bit and see if he picks up the pace on his end. Good luck, I sincerely hope your ending is happier than mine.
Author EMBeee Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Well, I tried no contact for one day and he did call me last night and this morning. I am going to see him in 26 days and when I said that to him he's normally excited but today he was smug and just said "I know" in a "do I really have to do it mom?" type of a way. I asked him if he was nervous and he said "yeah a little". So, on top of that... we did have a good conversation today and he was venting to me a little on his ex wife and the crappy things she did to him today and how her new boyfriend is a pig and isn't good for the kids.... then he let something slip... he said "When I find someone...*paused a moment* then giggled (as if he knew it slipped and was like "oops") I'm gonna make sure they are good for my kids." So... I honestly think that maybe he's getting really nervous and is afraid to see me for fear that he may fall in love and get hurt becasue I'll have to leave him to go back to my home state. He has told me that he is very afraid to fall in love again and get hurt though he did express that he is falling for me, though he hasn't said it in a long time. His texts to me have pretty much stopped all together, he'll only call or IM even his emails have stopped completely. I don't know, I may be looking too much into this I think. I do tend to "over" analize and it gets me into situations that I could've avoided (like opening pandora's box). So... I'll have more to tell you once I get to those points... although 26 days is a long time yet. I really don't want to cancel because I've invested $500 into this trip so far - money I don't even have He all of a sudden changed on Easter. Easter morning he was fine... called me in the morning to wish me a happy holiday and good morning, but then later that evening is when he went sour and became "depressed"... he's only been separated from him wife for a year... so I think he misses her dearly, though he says he'll never go back to her because he doesn't trust her anymore because she's done this to a previous marriage as well. Thanks for reading I'm very greatful having a place to vent out to
dancinggal Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 I just wanted to say, no, this is not how a LDR should work. But unfortunately it often is. The real issue seems to be that you haven't discussed with him what you want out of this, even if you are apart. You want him to want to be with you, not have to be with you, and as a result, he needs to make an effort. If you want phone calls everyday, well, that might be more than he can do, but he needs to tell you that instead of letting you call him over and over again and then say that he is sleeping. Completely unacceptable behaviour. I mean, once is ok, but you do not do that over and over again. Forget the games, just have a grown up, adult conversation. Tell him you are confused. He went on and on about how he wants to be with you, and now you are getting signals he isn't interested. Which way is it? Have you told him about your financial situation and how much you are planning to spend to see him? He should understand that its a big deal for someone to spend $500 to go visit someone, especially if they get the impression they aren't all that interested. Does he just want to see how things pan out? Or is he actually interested in pursuing a relationship with you. As far as playing games are concerned, well, they will work, but they won't get you answers, and right now, that's what you need. Games work when you are clear of the person's feelings for you, but they are getting lazy in expressing them or making you feel special, so I guess you could do the whole with-holding thing because they will miss you and try to get in contact. However, you need to know how he feels about you, and the honest truth. Make sure you get this from him before you leave.
Author EMBeee Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 What you are saying is very true!! I have stopped contacting him as much, and so he then will call. I asked him last night if I was bugging him at all lately and he said no, why would I ask such a thing. I said well, because it seems that i have been buggin you lately... then he said I wasn't, so that was good for me to hear that. But maybe it's just me overreacting but even in past relationships, I've always questioned motives and if the person is really interested or not. I guess its an insecurity of mine? But it sucks! Thanks for all the responses from you all... I have 24 days till I see him and I will most definately keep you all updated
monikababylove Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Hi all, in case you haven't read my other posts I am just gonna sum things up briefly. -I'm new to long distance relationships (this is my very first) -Been in one since January (so not very long ago did it start) -Started out wonderful - First emailing each other, then texts everyday all day, then it moved to IM and then talking all night long. -He's actually a childhood friend of mine and we reconnected after 15 years. -We actually were talking to one another for a year before we took it to the next level. -I will be seeing him for the first time in 16 years in about 27 days. You're wondering why I'm bummed out? Well... things went from communicating everyday all day to only maybe 20 mins of talking on the phone just to say "What? I didn't hear you can you say that again" He knows that I have a routine to call him right when I get off from work every night but lately (for the last 3 or 4 days) he's "sleeping"... so tonight I am not even gonna bother and just let him sleep because chances are he's gonna be sleeping. I rarely ever get a text from him anymore He used to text me throughout the day to tell me he misses me or needs me or he can't wait to see me or good morning or I can't wait to make love to you. I LOVED that, and now I feel deprived and neglected because he stopped doing those things. I'm just really sad because I've done all that I can to make sure that he knows I'm thinking of him and that I care for him and feel that I'm the one making the effort, i've even sent him gifts here and there and nothing from him. And now I see him soon and I guess I don't know where he stands anymore and that makes me depressed and I feel like a fool since I'm the one going there to see him. Things started out innocent with us and became very intense very fast, do you think he's losing interest in me because it all happened so quick? I've gotten better now but when I don't hear from him I get very anxious and sad... I miss him so much! He says he misses me but don't you think that if he misses me he would contact me more? I've decided that I'm not gonna contact him as often as I have and it could go either way... he'll either miss me more because he doesn't hear from me or he'll think I'm no longer interested because I haven't been contacting him... what do you think? Is this pretty typical in an LDR? Any insight would be great! Thanks! Also.... he does have trust issues because his ex cheated on him. He has asked me if I'm interested in any other guys and he has made sure to let me know that I'm his girl and he's my man. He did express to me when we first became "intimate" through technology that he is very afraid of falling in love and getting hurt again. He has asked me that I don't hurt him - which I have no plans to... but I can see how he is distancing himself if he thinks he's getting too attached because of the distance (i live in MN and he in VA). Does that make any sense or am I just looking too much into it? Thanks I'm new to this board... but not new to LD relationships... I am very in love with a man from the other side of Canada... and we often go through ups and downs like this ... where due to circumstances of life we communicate more (or much less) like you... I often beat myself up over it and get really down and bummed out... but I think if you really love him, and know in the depth of your heart that you do... it's worth fighting for and worth trying to get over the 'speedbump'. hugs from someone who totally understands!!!
Author EMBeee Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I'm new to this board... but not new to LD relationships... I am very in love with a man from the other side of Canada... and we often go through ups and downs like this ... where due to circumstances of life we communicate more (or much less) like you... I often beat myself up over it and get really down and bummed out... but I think if you really love him, and know in the depth of your heart that you do... it's worth fighting for and worth trying to get over the 'speedbump'. hugs from someone who totally understands!!! Well, I guess it was a little speed bump we went through. I feel so bad that I even doubted his feelings for me. I feel like a selfish idiot. Here's my update so far.... he was depressed over the Easter holiday and it lasted about 1 week. For the whole week he hardly talked to me and was "sleeping" all the time... I thought maybe he had lost interest in me and I was feeling so down, so I had been doubting everything from my meeting him soon to how I felt about him... I felt so bad about thinking those things. Well, he is now back to his normal self. He is not depressed anymore and not tired all the time now. He is calling me regularly and telling me how much he has missed me and wants to be with me and he doesn't know what he'd do without me. It all makes me realize how special he is to me. I really do think I am falling in love with him more and more everyday. The last 2 nights were wonderful! We talked for hours on the phone, while we were on IM and playing online games having fun kicking each other's butts in bowling I know I'm falling in love with him... I just don't like the distance in miles between us and wish we could be together. Although I think the long distance is making the feelings more intense. The phone sex between us (excuse me talking of this) is phenominal I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like in person. Intense I would assume I get to see him soon and I am SOOOOO excited and nervous at the same time. I only dread the part where I have to say good bye and I know my heart will hurt
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