Taking A Break/ Heart Is Breaking

[sungrl]

My b/f of 3 years wants a break.

 

I am not suprised because we have been through a lot of fights, arguments and i think it has finally taken a toll on him.

 

I told him things will get better, it is worth a try.

 

He told me he doesn't know if he believes it will get better. He says honestly how he feels it is up in the air which is unfair to me and he knows it. He says he is skeptical that things will get better but this is what i am telling him so he is trying to take this into considersation.

 

He said he just wants time to breathe and be his own company for awhile. He said he misses talking to me but it isnt fully enough to make things better

 

I said how is a week or two without seeing one another going to change your mind in all honesty?

 

He said just give me some time to miss you. He also told me i dont have to NOT call him and that i still can. But i dont think I will. I will give him his space and no contact.

 

He said he knows the things he likes about me and what he doesnt want to lose but right now it seems the negative is outweighing it. He also says this is why he wants time because maybe its just frustration and he just needs a little space.

 

I asked if we are still exclusive and he said he isn't looking to do anything and this is more about being his own company. He said i don't know what you are looking to do and he got a little defensive saying it sounds like you are looking for answer so you can make other plans.

 

I told him i am not looking to make other plans at all, its the last thing on my mind. I said it is hard not knowing. He told me---well isn't it better to just take some space rather than say "ok, thats it, its over" And i said I hope you feel better and i hope you believe me and see it as worth it

 

Basically he told me he would try calling me or texting me before the week is over to say hi and maybe next week we can see what happens.

 

I know i should act like its over and prepare myself for the worst. But its really hard when someone puts this tiny piece of hope in you. I'm hoping he is doing this maybe to show he is serious about wanting things to change but he told me if he had to decide tonight it would no.

[Habibti]

What is it exactly about you is he feeling is the negative?

[sungrl]

thanks for writing..i need someone to talk to.

 

its ALOT of things...some of it might be my fault with jealousy over stupid things and making comments showing i am jealous. But then he said he gets angry over things he feels maybe he shouldnt get so angry about but he doesnt think he can change this..maybe a comment i make makes him more mad than it should..its probably a combination of alot of things like this which have made this happen...he said he is just tired and needs to breathe..and i said you are tired of me? and he said a little bit..he said he doesnt want to go back to how things have been the past few years and that he isnt interested in that anymore and just cant do it.

 

I told him i can't convince you it will change and it will be better..its something we would just have to do..i said its a risk we would have to take..and he basically told me well i dont know if i would say its a risk we have to take...which kind of hurt me and i said well i can't convince you of anything i mean..i meant what i said about changing my jealousy and i hope you feel better whatever it is you decide.

 

I asked him do you want me to wait? and he said yes.

 

My mother said i handled this very well and like a real lady..i showed him i still want him, im not looking to date others and i am willing to wait for him and i didnt give him attitude.

[Habibti]

How old are the two of you? Are you still online? We could private chat if you'd like?

[sungrl]

well the age doesnt really matter at this point..i am in in my 20's and he is in early 30's.

[sedona]

I know this is really hard on you, but at least you two seem to have set a time limit on this break of a week or two. You can use this time to really think about this relationship - why are you jealous all the time? What is good about the two of you and what needs to be worked on? How could the two of you improve things? Is this relationship really the best thing for you?

 

Do you trust him when he says that he only wants a break? Or do you believe that this was just his way of letting you down easy? If you think that he's telling the truth, then there's no sense with thinking about the worst-case scenario - even though I know that your heart is hurting and it's practically impossible to think positive thoughts.

 

You're doing fine! Leave him alone for the time being. Give him the time he asked for. Talk to your friends. Go to a movie. Write down your thoughts in a journal. Keep yourself busy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

People don't take breaks to figure out if they love someone. They take breaks to figure out why they don't.

 

You may want to consider your options for a future without him. It sounds like he is not wanting to make things better. It sounds more like he is wanting to let you down easy while he takes him time finishing his emotional breakup from you. When he reaches that point and he is comfortable with letting you go, he will.

[sungrl]

Sedona,

 

Do you think this is letting me down easy? because come next week or the next two weeks its going to be a question again...he wouldn't a person just get it overwith if they wanted out?

 

I also gave him a free pass in a way the other night..i called him because i didn't know what was going on or where we stood..when he didnt pick up..i wrote him a text saying "if you want to break up atleast have the respect to call and tell me please. Or tell me what is on your mind. Please"....and he called back a few minutes later that is when we got into the discussion of break.

 

In a way, didnt i make it a little easy for him if he wanted to leave right then and there? and he said no for tonight and maybe just wait a little while

[Ariadne]

Oh,

 

---

 

~ My b/f of 3 years wants a break

 

~ we have been through a lot of fights, arguments

 

~ he doesn't know if he believes it will get better

 

~ he doesnt want to go back to how things have been the past

 

~ he just cant do it.

 

---

 

~ I asked if we are still exclusive

 

~ I told him i am not looking to make other plans at all

 

~ I hope you believe me and see it as worth it

 

~ I'm hoping he is doing this maybe to show he is serious

 

~ i can't convince you it will change and it will be better..

 

~ its something we would just have to do..

 

~ i said its a risk we would have to take

 

~ i meant what i said about changing my jealousy

 

--------------

 

Clingy clingy clingy...

 

Finally a guy that makes some sense. I hope he sticks to it.

 

More guys should be like this and not eat sht like they do all the time.

[stoneymirror]

I think it's really unfair to have to wait for someone to decide to be with you. It's apparent that he has major doubts. But it almost seems like he's trying to control the whole situation. Very manipulative in my eyes. And what sort of respect can someone have for someone who's just going to wait to hear back as to whether or not this person wants to be with me. I am sure you want to get back together with him, but really what is he trying to figure out, what are the variables determining if he's going to get back together or not. I'd start doing your own thing and show little to no interest in him anymore. He might realize he's not the only one in control.

[sedona]

Sedona,

 

Do you think this is letting me down easy? because come next week or the next two weeks its going to be a question again...he wouldn't a person just get it overwith if they wanted out?

 

I also gave him a free pass in a way the other night..i called him because i didn't know what was going on or where we stood..when he didnt pick up..i wrote him a text saying "if you want to break up atleast have the respect to call and tell me please. Or tell me what is on your mind. Please"....and he called back a few minutes later that is when we got into the discussion of break.

 

In a way, didnt i make it a little easy for him if he wanted to leave right then and there? and he said no for tonight and maybe just wait a little while

 

I have no idea if he's trying to let you down easy. Could be. Or it could really be that he's confused. I don't know whether breaks ever work. I always thought that any problems in a relationship should be worked out together. How can someone start loving you again by being apart from you? Seems illogical.

 

I think it's really unfair to have to wait for someone to decide to be with you. It's apparent that he has major doubts. But it almost seems like he's trying to control the whole situation. Very manipulative in my eyes. And what sort of respect can someone have for someone who's just going to wait to hear back as to whether or not this person wants to be with me. I am sure you want to get back together with him, but really what is he trying to figure out, what are the variables determining if he's going to get back together or not. I'd start doing your own thing and show little to no interest in him anymore. He might realize he's not the only one in control.

Yup, true. I lived through this as well. He is being controlling and she is allowing herself to be controlled by him. We do this when we love someone and are scared of losing him. We forget to love ourselves.

[sungrl]

well typically when a person wants a break--isn't that how it is? it can be one sided where the person needs to think and other person has a choice to say i don't want to wait around or say i am willing to give this a chance and hope your bad feelings pass and we can eventually work on things?

[youngbuckkk]

Oh,

 

---

 

~ My b/f of 3 years wants a break

 

~ we have been through a lot of fights, arguments

 

~ he doesn't know if he believes it will get better

 

~ he doesnt want to go back to how things have been the past

 

~ he just cant do it.

 

---

 

~ I asked if we are still exclusive

 

~ I told him i am not looking to make other plans at all

 

~ I hope you believe me and see it as worth it

 

~ I'm hoping he is doing this maybe to show he is serious

 

~ i can't convince you it will change and it will be better..

 

~ its something we would just have to do..

 

~ i said its a risk we would have to take

 

~ i meant what i said about changing my jealousy

 

--------------

 

Clingy clingy clingy...

 

Finally a guy that makes some sense. I hope he sticks to it.

 

More guys should be like this and not eat sht like they do all the time.

 

 

Give it a rest Adriane. Seriously, do you ever have anything positive to say when you post, or do you just feel better about yourself for putting others down on a daily basis? You're the lunatic who said you wish you could just stand around and take photos of your ex all day without him knowing. So I suppose no men should ever be with you since you seem to be a clingy stalker?

 

To the OP, sounds like he may be wanting to test the waters of singleness, even though he didn't say it. Sorry to say, but you should now begin to focus on yourself and make yourself better from this. He's probably either detacthing himself from you emotionally like someone else said, breaking it off easier to you, or keeping you around as a back up plan in case he decides to change his mind. You need to forget him for the forseeable future.

[ninjaturtles]

Give it a rest Adriane. Seriously, do you ever have anything positive to say when you post, or do you just feel better about yourself for putting others down on a daily basis? You're the lunatic who said you wish you could just stand around and take photos of your ex all day without him knowing. So I suppose no men should ever be with you since you seem to be a clingy stalker?

 

To the OP, sounds like he may be wanting to test the waters of singleness, even though he didn't say it. Sorry to say, but you should now begin to focus on yourself and make yourself better from this. He's probably either detacthing himself from you emotionally like someone else said, breaking it off easier to you, or keeping you around as a back up plan in case he decides to change his mind. You need to forget him for the forseeable future.

 

 

Well said youngbuck. In reference to your name, are you referring to the rapper, youngbuck?

 

Back to the thread, something similar happened to me. The duration of my relationship wasnt as long a relationship as yours, and my EX is much younger than your boyfriend. However, the things said/behaviour are very similar.

 

In my case,I did the wrong things. I called him a lot trying to finding out what the problem was, how long the break was for, whether or not he was still my boyfriend, whether or not he was attracted to someone else etc. I even sent him an email laying out how we could make things work etc. At first, he seemed genuinely confused. However, the more I contacted him, the more he started to get rude, become cold and become indifferent to my feelings of distress at that time.

 

As the other posters have intelligently mentioned (aside from adraine of course), it's either

 

A) He is genuinely confused.

B) He is trying to let you down softly

C) He wants to be single/ has caught some interest somewhere. It doesnt have to be something concrete but maybe the pleasures that come with being single at this point appeal to him.

 

You say you have been fighting and arguing, therefore it is highly possible that he is simply just in need of a break from things. A break from the fights and arguments and generally the stress that comes with relationships.

 

It's very hard that you are in limbo. However, the best thing to do now (albeit the hardest), is to try to envisage a future without him. It is very hard, but you need to expect nothing from him at this point. That way, if he does come back all well and good.However, if he does not, then you will on the path to healing.

 

Please try your best not to contact him. Keep posting on here and speak to a lot of mature and sensible friends/family members...and always remember that if things are meant to be, they will work out somehow. Cliche but true.

xx

[youngbuckkk]

Na not the rapper, I just am a young fellow and wanted a name that shows that. I am a big rap fan so maybe my subconscious chose it lol.

[sungrl]

ninjaturtles,

 

thank you.

 

I know i will NOT contact him or text message him. I know i need to respect what he wants otherwise it will just push him away even further.

 

I told him i would wait and i hope he believes me it can be better.

 

 

Somehow---I do not think he is trying to let me down easy especially because I text messaged him saying if you want to break up can you please just call me and let me know? let me know something of what u are thinking?

 

and he called and just says he doesnt know what he wants..he needs to sort things out and be by himself...

 

This is the only thing that has given me hope----that i pretty much said if you want to break up, just tell me...so i dont understand why he wouldnt.

 

He is asking me if i am demanding an answer now it is no...so i said i am not demanding an answer now and i am willing to wait.

 

From all of this--it seems like he is trying to let me down easy? i tried to say if you dont want this, tell me and he didnt say it yet.

 

 

Please write back everyone. Thanks

[LuCidiTy]

People don't take breaks to figure out if they love someone. They take breaks to figure out why they don't.

 

really profound...

[sungrl]

He texted me Hi in the evening.

 

I texted back the same thing

 

 

he also texted me asking what i was doing..i guess it was a friday night and he was wondering and i just said i was watching a movie.

later he texted me goodnight.

 

My friend said its a friday night and he wants to remind you he is still around, its not over..don't go out doing anything stupid thinking it is over right now.

 

 

I didnt ask him questions of what he was doing or where he was which i think was probably a refreshing thing for him NOT to explain himself.

 

My friend said i should have said i was at a friend's house atleast..she said he was showing he was vulnerable and i made him secure..and he won't probably contact me for a few days now.

 

My mother said..you pushed him away with jealousy and besides that he is also confused what he even wants without the jealousy..its good i just made things simple saying i was watching a movie because chances are he isn't going to text me tonight either way--if i said i was home or out..he just wanted to show he is still around. And if i said i was out..he might get stubborn about it..she also said..its a text message..there is still so much time going by that he doesnt know what you are doing.

 

 

what do u guys think? handled it well? Should i have said i was at a friend's house atleast?

[LucreziaBorgia]

handled it well? Should i have said i was at a friend's house atleast?

 

I think that it is good that you didn't question him. I wouldn't worry about the whole 'saying you were at a friend's house'. The idea isn't to manipulate him or try to trick him. The idea is to give him the break he asked for - and you should do that, if not double it.

 

Usually if you hand someone back twice what they hand you, they will be taken aback and really think about what they are doing (if they are still emotionally invested that is. That stuff doesn't work if they have checked out completely - they just won't care).

 

In a case like this, when a 'confused' person asks for a break - agree with them, double the time they suggested and tell them that you would comfortable if they didn't contact you at all during that time. You'd be surprised how well that cuts through 'confusion'.

[sungrl]

do you think the chances of him breaking up are a little less probable?

 

i guess he still somewhat invested in the relationship and still cares.

[carhill]

"less probable"? No.

 

Interest gauging? Possibly. Just seeing what your interest level is to keep his options open. Frankly, all this limbo stuff just leaves me

[sungrl]

why is it less probable?

 

soley to leave his options opened?

[carhill]

The longer the break goes on, the more options exist and the "more probable" a break-up will occur, IMO.

 

I know for me, if my wife went on a month long vacation, the familiarity drug would work its way out of my system and I would likely not remember her presence. She's been gone a week on a solo trip and I don't miss her any more than I might a friend. Happy when she has called (rarely) but no residuals.

 

That's what I mean. I'll see if the psychologist can put a finer point on it on Monday

[Easydoesit]

I understand that you want some good advice, on which way this guy is going....At this point, it does not change the situation you are in....Focusing on you ...is the best advice, I can give you...at this point...you cant contol, the reasons...or his choices...as to why he wants this....but, I do agree, that he is looking at this, as a chance to work through it....Take some time for you...and look at what you want...what are the things, insecurities..etc...that make you jealous....do you look at yourself as Needy...? If so, Why.?

 

Hope all works out for the best....give yourself a gift...right now...take a break...on trying to figure out what he wants...hanging on every word....it keeps you prisoner...to it....I have been there....and i took alot of time to come out to the other side....

[sungrl]

i have been keeping busy but its hard because i am hoping he will not break it off