Author iwish Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 hang on, you spoke to your ex tonight? thought we made a deal?!! wednesday.. Yes i didn't really bite, i handled myself pretty well i think, i saw her point of view and when we talked on the phone i was as cool as a cucumber and even managed to get her highness to laugh!, apologised for 'lying' but made it quite clear that it really wasn't meant as a bad thing and i felt i had no choice, she accepted this (for now).. so yes Saturday daytime is date 2!! yay me, i asked her to give a dog a bone and well she did.. i want to continue with the wooing plan, give her the best times of her live!! and then pull back a bit, because i can't put up with the princess routing forever.. As for the not getting sexy saturday, well i agree with that but i think that Saturday is too soon, i'm gonna go for at least a kiss and make her feel damn sexy... the cooler unsexy approach will come at a later date (if there is one).. How was birmingham?
datingmum Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Well youngbukkk, iwish is showing us in real time (and I can confirm as a woman) that we often SAY things we don't mean because we want to manipulate a reaction. Every human being does this if we're honest. The trick is being big enough and strong enough to say,"hey, i recognise you want this - to be treated this way and that's all good, so long AS YOU MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ENOUGH TOO!" Can't come from one side, that will NEVER WORK. You are getting stronger! You got your date AND THEN WENT AND GOT A KISS! Woo hoo!
Author iwish Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 How do you have a date when she says she needs time and space? I don't think you should take her out again. Tell her that you're sick of being treated like **** and that she's really not worth the trouble you once thought. Tell her why should you control your actions with her when she doesn't even know if she wants to be with you? Let her know you are not her doormat, and you are your own man, and a single one right now. You put the effort in, but your not her bitch. One of two things will happen, she gets mad and you guys go your seperate ways (which will be good in the long run) or she sees that you aren't going to play her games and take her **** anymore and she rethinks the way she has been acting and apoligizes. You keep letting her know this behavior is allright, so what do you expect from her? Thanks youngbuckk i do agree with you to a point.. I mean i got another date with her by making her see how silly she was being and making her laugh... I will take the stronger route after this Saturday, i'm willing to let this one slide for now and just forget about it, but if anything similar happens again. I fully intend to tell her more or less exactly what you said.. and then move on with my life... because i love her mate, i do.. i miss her, but if she keeps proving that she's not the person i think she is, then it will make me walk away... but i'm not ready for that yet...
datingmum Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Yeah well, I wasn't going to say babe but you fessed up first! Didn't go to Birmingham because this morning I got TOTALLY STRESSED and freaking out because it was my eldest daughter's seventh birthday and I knew if he didn't ring/card etc that it was going to be the end for me. So i worked myself up into a frenzy and then got the worst case of puking you can imagine...maybe a stomach bug? Finally I texted at 11am to say "_______ is awaiting your birthday wishes..." then he rang and I just FREAKED out and said I can't do this anymore, it's all bs, I will NEVER be able to pretend I don't want to marry you and be casual, I can't stand it (whine whine whine, feet stamping). Anyways, he shows up a bit later with a bunch of awesome presents for her, so I have to just cry/eat my words. But it's the truth, I had to have him SAY to me that he wants what I want. Not just be all nonchalant, casual and breezy - possibly friends, possibly more. Screw that. The act of doing that makes me physically ill. I can't stand it iwish, I just want him to show up with a f*cking ring so we can just get on with it! I know it won't solve any of our problems, but the romance and love and unity in that gesture for me woudl make chilling out about it all so much easier. I'd feel like we were a team working towards our goal!
youngbuckkk Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Well youngbukkk, iwish is showing us in real time (and I can confirm as a woman) that we often SAY things we don't mean because we want to manipulate a reaction. Every human being does this if we're honest. The trick is being big enough and strong enough to say,"hey, i recognise you want this - to be treated this way and that's all good, so long AS YOU MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ENOUGH TOO!" Can't come from one side, that will NEVER WORK. You are getting stronger! You got your date AND THEN WENT AND GOT A KISS! Woo hoo! He should not let her manipulate him with this. Espically when she is still stringing him along on whether or not she even wants to try things again. Say he goes along and apoligizes and continues to suck up and try to win her over again, where will that bring the relationship? She would have all the power because she will know that she can say or do anything to this guy and he will still come crawing back trying to woo her. Besides, don't chicks dig confidence? I think he would look pretty confident by telling her that he is better then she is treating him and he's not going to put up with it any longer.
datingmum Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 You're right iwish in your approach. Let this one slide because I think she's bugging out a little bit! People act bizarelly when in love but fearful.
Author iwish Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Be strong DM.. play it cool remember.. i know how stressful it is waiting for them to give you what you want.. (for me it was the second date, for you a ring!!) but we can't force the issue.. just play it cool.. and i know how hard it is to do that, bloody hard.. I think it was a nice gesture with the presents, and there is obviously something there, but if he's worth it just give him that time to come round on his own.. At some point he will either deliver or you will just get fed up and move on, because lets face it you have 3 other guys!!!
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 In the long term youngbukkk you're right. But it took two of them to create this situation. So, if he can give her a little leeway for the moment, is CONFIDENT in himself, like he did, and cleverly make her laugh at herself - then he WILL appear the ultimate in confidence. Many people think drawing a line in the sand in an angry way is being 'strong'. It takes more guts to get past that anger to the hurt, to the feeling of 'oh my god i love this person why are they doing this to me' then deriving an answer to that question and acting accordingly with confidence and love.
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yeah, I was cool as a cucumber last night!!! Something happened when I woke up and I just completely schizzed out! I don't get it. Maybe this IS a stomach virus rather than just massive stress related sickness. Maybe it got me into a crazy frame of mind. He's said it now though. He's said what he feels and I believe him. And for the first time, he's explained to me a in a way that I understand and believe what he wants/needs to make that step again. I don't know if I can handle going as slow as he wants though. That's the issue. I'm dying over here with no idea when he's going to ring/call/ask me out/ or when I'm ever going to have sex again. Yes, I have the other dudes, but it still just feels like killing so much time! That's the problem. If I was really interested, I'd be *over* him like that, eh? I've found the one for me. He's already proposed once. I want it again, and soon. we don't have to move in immediately, but I want his body next to mine as soon as possible.
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 In the long term youngbukkk you're right. But it took two of them to create this situation. So, if he can give her a little leeway for the moment, is CONFIDENT in himself, like he did, and cleverly make her laugh at herself - then he WILL appear the ultimate in confidence. Many people think drawing a line in the sand in an angry way is being 'strong'. It takes more guts to get past that anger to the hurt, to the feeling of 'oh my god i love this person why are they doing this to me' then deriving an answer to that question and acting accordingly with confidence and love. I agree with this at the moment, because youngbuckk i went the angry route before and we both know how that ended up.. i have played it cool this time and i got the second date.. which is utlimately what i wanted.. Now i appreciate that no one can or should treat you like rubbish and i promise you and myself that i wont put up with it for long.. i think she had a point about the lying, small white lies i know but still a point.. So i'm backing down on this and letting it go, but i will not let it continue in this vain for ever.. it's early days and i'm willing to not get angry about it.. just accept it and move on, and then see what happens
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Exactly. You are growing and it's sweet! Let's talk about your ideas for a date...
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Yeah, I was cool as a cucumber last night!!! Something happened when I woke up and I just completely schizzed out! I don't get it. Maybe this IS a stomach virus rather than just massive stress related sickness. Maybe it got me into a crazy frame of mind. He's said it now though. He's said what he feels and I believe him. And for the first time, he's explained to me a in a way that I understand and believe what he wants/needs to make that step again. I don't know if I can handle going as slow as he wants though. That's the issue. I'm dying over here with no idea when he's going to ring/call/ask me out/ or when I'm ever going to have sex again. Yes, I have the other dudes, but it still just feels like killing so much time! That's the problem. If I was really interested, I'd be *over* him like that, eh? I've found the one for me. He's already proposed once. I want it again, and soon. we don't have to move in immediately, but I want his body next to mine as soon as possible. I don't get it, what did he say? what did he explain? how slow does he want to go? Okay the other dudes are a past time same as girl no.2 for me, but don't rule going on dates with them.. Don't sacrifice your new life for him yet.. wait before you do that, you've been doing well recently haven't you? so keep it up... As for the carnal relations , time.. he'll be begging for that soon enough!!
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 Exactly. You are growing and it's sweet! Let's talk about your ideas for a date... aren't i!! i am really proud of myself.. i mean when i first read it i went through all the rages, and even had a go at the flat mate.. but then i calmed down apologised to him (not his big mouthed fault at all! ).. and managed to just talk to her, no shouting, no blaming.. just plain ol talking... hmm the date of doom.. well... i really haven't got a clue.. maybe a day trip to a castle, or a gallery, a museum, horseriding lessons, go karting.. i mean i am broke, but moneys no object at the moment.. like i said i'm trying to woo her like she's never been woo'd before.. so there is no budget as such (i'll just live of cereal for a month!)
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Said he wants to be a happy family, have a sexy, intelligent partner like me that he's proud of, have our own baby. Said OF COURSE he wants these things (and said that anything he said to the contrary is said in anger to piss me off and push me away). But he also said that he's got to feel I'm willing to do some work. Stop with the jealousy I've had in the past. Stop thinking the worst and pick out little things like your girlfriend did which basically is NOT APPRECIATING all the great stuff he did. He said he wants someone who can grow with him. Accept his mistakes and move on because I ultimately love and trust him. he's saying that at the bottom of it all, I have to know his character and trust that he loves me, because despite the fighting and angry contradictory words, he is making it obvious that he loves me and want's what I want. Says i screwed it up with my own issues too. Says we've been listening to my complaints for years now and he's finally been able to verbalise his. who knows. i feel suitably scolded but unsure if I am up to the task. i respect what he said to me, for the first time in this process.
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 "I'll live on cereal for a month" You're so sweet. That's the right spirit. Yeah, he basically said I need to get off my highhorse, sitting on my butt waiting on him to do all the running/wooing and do some myself. But how?!?!?!? I'm the dumpee firstly, so it's rarely charted territory really in LS terms and I have no guide. Secondly, I have no cash I can't even go and get a pretty new outfit at the moment! Plus i have very little time without the girls. Horseback riding would be fun!
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 well what he says sounds bloody brilliant to me! he wants to work at it, and if you accept all the points he's made then there is no issue.. Now i suggest you just let it go at a steady pace, take it a day at a time.. DO NOT CONTACT HIM FIRST!, he has made it clear that you are going to try again.. so you have no worries.. Just be cool, come on here and chat rather than make the first call to him.. Now i'm not contacting my ex until Friday with the details of our date.. I plan to stick by that decision (i made it).. so you must do the same.. He will initiate contact, if he doesn't by Friday then maybe call him.. Remember be cool as a cucumber.. it's in your hands!!!
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 "I'll live on cereal for a month" You're so sweet. That's the right spirit. Yeah, he basically said I need to get off my highhorse, sitting on my butt waiting on him to do all the running/wooing and do some myself. But how?!?!?!? I'm the dumpee firstly, so it's rarely charted territory really in LS terms and I have no guide. Secondly, I have no cash I can't even go and get a pretty new outfit at the moment! Plus i have very little time without the girls. Horseback riding would be fun! Oops i got the wrong end of the stick there, so he wants to be woo'd?!.. how to woo a man?! i have no idea... I'm sure he just means make an effort with contacting him and arranging dates.. and in your case (having kids) i don't think he's expecting too much financially.. maybe a nice meal for two.. He'll probably pay in the end, but you could suggest it.. or even cook?!
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Yes sir. I will listen to you. I will try to tame this wild tantrumming child in me who is saying "I want it NOW!!!" I will come on here instead and chat with you all. Ok, anyways, tell me all about your date plans over the next few days, it's so fun!
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 hey, i've just seen the time.. i have to go to sleep.. work tomorrow!! I'm back on here tomorrow so if you're about we can speak then?, and we can plot our evil plan of re-wooing back our exes or at least show them what they are going to miss, when we've moved on!
datingmum Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 Oops i got the wrong end of the stick there, so he wants to be woo'd?!.. how to woo a man?! i have no idea... I'm sure he just means make an effort with contacting him and arranging dates.. and in your case (having kids) i don't think he's expecting too much financially.. maybe a nice meal for two.. He'll probably pay in the end, but you could suggest it.. or even cook?! I communicated wrong. He wants me to be nice and not freak out over small things and screw up our special time together. To work harder to respect that time and not let anything get in the way, pave the ground for future. I've taken it a step further to thinking about what we can do that will be fun.
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I communicated wrong. He wants me to be nice and not freak out over small things and screw up our special time together. To work harder to respect that time and not let anything get in the way, pave the ground for future. I've taken it a step further to thinking about what we can do that will be fun. Well that's easy for someone like you!, just be cool.. count to ten if something upsets you.. That's what i did on Saturday night... anyway i'm going to sleep now, we will hatch our plans at a later date..
Ssheena Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 You too enablers need to just shut this conversation since you are the only ones participating and both just living a fantasy. DM - why did you let him turn this around to be "your" issues instead of his? and iwish.... words fail me. Just pm each other.
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 You too enablers need to just shut this conversation since you are the only ones participating and both just living a fantasy. DM - why did you let him turn this around to be "your" issues instead of his? and iwish.... words fail me. Just pm each other. thanks sheena but there are more than two of us in this conversation, there's you too!.. thanks for your input on this, i do appreciate other opinions on my situation.. and i accept your negativity on how it's going.. but if you read my thread, i am prepared for the worst.. i am far from 100% convinced that all is going to be well with my ex.. more like 0.05%.. but imagine that someone else gets into a similar situation on here and they don't know what to do, this thread will help them tremendously.. don't you think?
Author iwish Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 What on earth can i do about this.. she has no respect for me? our emails.. Hey you, How's your day? Good i hope... Right Saturday is coming up nice and smelling of roses.. I wouldn't mind some input from you though... We have two options.. Plan A, is in London.... Plan B is not in London!!!.... It all depends on what time you need to be back Saturday night? or do i have the honour of your company in the evening too? Some input would be great (i'm stressing here!) x she replied.. Um. It's hard to say. If the day's going ****, I need to be back in London on Saturday evening. If it's fun, well I guess I could spare a little more time. I don't know, it's hard to say without knowing anything. Why don't you decide.... me.. right then, pack your toothbrush. her.. No. I will be home in my bed in London on my own not late on Saturday evening. No toothbrushes. me.. fancy a chat? her.. No, I'm working. Thought you were going to leave me be til Friday??!!! p.s. just the day, maybe a bit of evening, but there is NO discussion over overnight. K? now is she just being rude or is it me?
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