iwish Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Hey, well i'm seeing my ex Saturday night and i am really really worried.. I mean my plan was to just play it cool, you know chat, relax and just try to have a good time, but i'm scared that it won't pan out like that and we'll just end up arguing.. Her first text Yes. Alright then, but no pressure, no arguing friends having a laugh. Deal? I'm scared of getting hurt again... I didn't respond , 10 minutes later she then sent this.. Right, don't ask me then not reply! Either we go out on my terms, to chat about stuff, relaxed or not at all! Yes or no?! I replied with 'yes that's what i want'.. Since then we've SMS'd backwards and forwards, and we are basically going for a nice meal and some drinks, all of it was organised by me and she doesn't know where we are going etc.. (she said she like suprises)... I said i'd get in contact on Friday (tom) and tell her what time a car will pick her up... all she knows is she has to get dressed up... She has SMS'D Also, spending lots of money won't make a difference one way or the other... Is this a date? she used the friends word in her first SMS, but retracted it in the second.. she also said 'one way or the other'.. that's an open door isn't it? If i play it cool, is it possible that it will be a night with a possible kiss at the end of it? that would be my ideal... It's just hard to read, any opinions would be great
Joebo Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 (edited) Hey Iwish, I say go for it. Talk about normal things. Talk about what you've been doing but don't bring up the relationship or appear needy. Act confident and happy. Don't show that its such a big deal to you that you are out together. However, do not go expecting things like kisses etc.. I would be very wary of that. You should be almost 100% sure its what she wants. Otherwise you could be back to square one. I know you will have people here telling you to let it go. However, if its what you really want then you will never know if you don't give it a shot. You could get hurt again. That said, you have already been hurt and you're still here. You will always wonder if you don't try. So, see where it goes. If it works out, great! If not, you know that you will not be any worse off and that it was definitely not meant to be. Either way will provide a platform for moving on with your life. Let us know how you get on. Best of luck. JB. Edited March 27, 2008 by Joebo spelling
Author iwish Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Thanks Joebo, i know what you're saying.. I want it to be just so normal, rekindle the spark so to speak.. but my worry is that i'm already over thinking it and it's stressing me out big time.. I'm doing all i can not to SMS her right now, i have to play this cool and wait until tomorrow evening, giving the impression that all is laid back... I'm not expecting kissing (just hoping!) but i want to treat it as an opportunity to woo her.. I mean she wouldn't come if the door was firmly closed, would she?! Since the split, i've been getting better in myself, working out, making new friends but i still miss and think about the girl, although i'm now pretty much NC, have been for nearly two weeks (apart from one slip up) i don't know, it's really stressing me out!
Joebo Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Definitely no SMS today. Don't call her at 6am tomorrow either! Just call in the evening at some point and let her know when the car is arriving. Its a little confusing as she's giving it the friends routine but she obviously knows this is a date of sorts. You need to relax. Otherwise you could end up arguing about the relationship. Keep it in your mind that you must not talk about the relationship or you could blow it. Don't drink too much either...
jmargel Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 You are putting too much pressure on yourself and her. You are expecting a relationship to be rekindled out of one night. You need to give some background on your relationship with her and what happened. I am going to tell you something that you really should consider following. When you meet up with her, let her do all the talking. When she does talk and tells you how you disappointed her, bite your tongue and use these two words 'I understand'. This will bring down her defenses and allow her to open up more. If you try to tell her why she shouldn't feel disappointed or give excuses for what happened then she will feel like she hasn't gotten anything across to you and I can guarantee that she will walk away. You really need to think before talking. Let her bring up any relationship issues, if she doesn't bring any up then that is ok. If she talks to you and reaffirms to you that it is over, then again tell her you understand. If you try to be clingly or needy it will be like running after a scared cat, she will just run away faster.
Author iwish Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Sound advice guys, i'm just trying to relax.. I am definately putting far too much pressure on myself and i fully intend to put no pressure on her.. I will go the route of listening and understanding, our main problem in my mind was my lack of life outside the relationship, that has since been resolved.. i just need to show her that.. just got to be cool, i hope i can!
M2k Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 one piece of advice. do not kiss. ihad exactly the same about 3 weeks ago, ended in lots of sex. great you cry! NO....since then been more sex....but NOTHING has really changed!! in lm case she needs time to herself and is not ready to be with me yet....i feel worse now as inow have hope in something that may never happen...so...still want that kiss?
youngbuckkk Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Sound advice guys, i'm just trying to relax.. I am definately putting far too much pressure on myself and i fully intend to put no pressure on her.. I will go the route of listening and understanding, our main problem in my mind was my lack of life outside the relationship, that has since been resolved.. i just need to show her that.. just got to be cool, i hope i can! But wasn't it also she felt you were controlling by not letting her go out and get high with some other dude. If you really want this woman back you need to be the most cool and collected man in town. I think trying to woo her is a mistake honestly, I think you need to show her that you can see her in person and not turn into mush at the sight of her. You need to act like this is your first date with her, don't be over anxious, don't bring up the relationship, just try to go out and enjoy her company.
Author iwish Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 one piece of advice. do not kiss. ihad exactly the same about 3 weeks ago, ended in lots of sex. great you cry! NO....since then been more sex....but NOTHING has really changed!! in lm case she needs time to herself and is not ready to be with me yet....i feel worse now as inow have hope in something that may never happen...so...still want that kiss? A kiss would still be great and sex would be a dream come true!! i mean surely that's better than flat out rejection? I don't think i'll get that kind of action anyway, i have a very negative feeling about the whole thing.. But wasn't it also she felt you were controlling by not letting her go out and get high with some other dude. If you really want this woman back you need to be the most cool and collected man in town. I think trying to woo her is a mistake honestly, I think you need to show her that you can see her in person and not turn into mush at the sight of her. You need to act like this is your first date with her, don't be over anxious, don't bring up the relationship, just try to go out and enjoy her company. Youngbuckkk, you're a wise man.. I want to play it so cool you wouldn't believe, i want it to be like the first date.. That's what i mean when i say woo her, you know just have a laugh and see what happens.. My plan is to get to know her again, not to mention the relationship and try not to break down in tears when she rejects my mild advances.. I have to be cool, i just hope i can do it and not mess this up.. she is just so god damn beautiful!!
jmargel Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 But wasn't it also she felt you were controlling by not letting her go out and get high with some other dude Whoa.. if that's the case then she has some major commitment problems. Very immature of her. You hold your stance and set clear boundaries if you want to be with her. Personally if she wanted to do that, then I would open the cage door and make sure she flew away. No need to tolearate that.
Author iwish Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Whoa.. if that's the case then she has some major commitment problems. Very immature of her. You hold your stance and set clear boundaries if you want to be with her. Personally if she wanted to do that, then I would open the cage door and make sure she flew away. No need to tolearate that. Yes she did have some major commitment problems, but maybe i pushed to fast.. i don't know... I just miss the girl so much, i mean i see her point about being able to do what she wants (she wasn't sleeping with the guy, he's her flat mate) and i've got more friends now, so it wouldn't be an issue for me so much now.. But that's even if i get a second chance, i mean yes we are going for a meal, but i'm still not convinced it's a date and i wont ask her if it is now, i just have to wait and see... either way, it's my last attempt after this no more...
jmargel Posted March 28, 2008 Posted March 28, 2008 Do you really want to be a part of her drug problem? If I was in your position, I would tell her to clean her act up first. Yes you love her, but you need more than that in a relationship. How much are you willing to give up of yourself and your needs to be with her? Doesn't matter if it's her roomate or not. Any chick that wanted to get high with anyone, she can do it without being with me.
Author iwish Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 well we had the meal.. it went well, we talked, we drank we ate.. we stayed out until the early hours and went back to her house and spent the night.. we woke up and messed about a bit.. I left her house at 1pm came home and she has since texted me thanks for a good evening, etc.. i mentioned a second date and she said she will think about it !! We've texted back and forward and she has just sent a good night one (9.30pm) Last night in my mind went well, we connected we went home together.. and now today she is being cold again, not cold as such.. just playing ridiculously hard to get... I mean why not just say yes to the second date??!! why? I'm trying to play this cool, not nag her for the second date.. but it's winding me up a bit.. I have an opportunity with another girl aswell and i don't want to hurt her or mess her around.. I want to be with my ex a lot, but i wont be treated too badly, i'm willing to put a lot of effort in and am doing so, but she has to aswell.. not right now, but she could have just said yes to the second date!!! Why is she playing so god damn hard to get?!!
Ofleg7 Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Nice one dude, sounds like it went really well. Don't rush things though, carry on playing it cool. You've made the offer, and I'm sure she knows what it is you want, so the ball's in her court. Don't pressurise her into a second date and hopefully she'll be the one to bring it up. I know it's a minor thing, but I long to receive a good night txt from my ex again. Best of luck
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 (edited) Spectacular performance on your date! sounds like you had an awesome time! So don't mess it up by getting all needy! Remember, you will have to work to get it back, takes two to make the problem, AND you should expect her to work too! If she acts like a jerk and doesn't contact you to ask for date or if you bring it up again casually later and she doesn't respond, screw it. Date the other girl! DO NOT LET IT WIND YOU UP AND RUIN ALL THIS HARD WORK YOU'VE DONE!!! The fact is, she wants you man, but like any girl, is playing hard to get, mysterious and fun. She bought your confidence routine hook line and sinker (probably because you're feeling that way now!) so don't go messing it up by wobbling out over whether or not she agreed to the next date. She thinks you can handle her playing that game. She texted you good night remember? I'm a girl, I know what that means. Also remember, from my perspective in the past as the dumper, I still would have and did play the hard to get routine merely because it feels right between male and female somehow, even when I was the one who left....weird. Edited March 31, 2008 by datingmum
Author iwish Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 Thanks guys, i don't feel that confident to be honest.. It's a new day today and no news from her.. nothing at all... I'm not going to contact her until Wednesday at the earliest.. i'm kinda hoping that she will make first contact now, but i wont hold my breath... I don't mind chasing, in fact i think i quite like it.. but there's a limit to my patience, and i really don't know what she's thinking, i wish i did.. She just needs to give me a day we can meet and then, i'll have a bit more confidence.. until then i'm just going to have to stress it out quietly!!, i will not pressure her at all... Only time will tell..
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 don't worry! just do some interesting stuff so you have loads to talk about when you do go out, okay? You can always send her a cheeky text, maybe one where you're teasing her about something, really confident maybe tomorrow and see if she bites back?
Author iwish Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 i sent an email saying 'hey hows your day been? x' i got a reply 'two words, f'ing client' that's it, charming girl don't ya think.. she's driving me a little crazy and i'm starting to think that she is just fickle and being cold just for the hell of it.. i mean why be so damn cold.. I don't quite understand, i want to just forget about her and move on, because i think that she is just being too hard to get... i miss her and love her, but she really isn't making any effort what so ever.. or is it too early for her to do that?!
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Leave it for a few days, ok? I know it's going to drive you crazy, but go AT LEAST 24 hours ok? Did she put no x as well? Doesn't mean anything but just wondered if you left that out. Sounds like she just dashed off a quick reply because she was in the thick of it! She may be fickle. But women, once they've REALLY made the decision, will not usually hang out with a guy like she did with you/engage in any romantic activity. She may also be simply stressed out with work! You emailing her makes her more stressed, because underneath, she's thinking about it all too. You need to make her miss you, wonder what you're doing, ok? It's very early days! It will change if things go well! I promise! Also, if you start sending 'nicey nice' things all day, she might get a little stressed just because 1. you are being so nice (contrary to popular opinion, girls are attracted to a little stand-offishness) and 2. she has to take time out to reply and she might be really STRESSED at work! Hope you're ok buddy. Keep it chilled. My instinct is that she'll be back!
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Maybe she just assumes you KNOW she's trying it out with you again because she spent the night with you and if you two were truly truly OVER you wouldn't be doing that, would you? And if she assumes you know in your heart that she wants you but is being careful and is playing hard to get to get away from all the heartbreak/needy stuff and back into the chase, then her behaviour makes sense. Is this making any sense?
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 About the getting annoyed with my boyfriend texting/calling me at work: I have actually felt that way loads! I have another guy friend who's just been dumped because the girlfriend said she didn't feel good enough to please him because he kept sending her loads of nicey nice texts/message etc in the day, then getting angry if she didn't respond. You have not truly conquered the self-esteem stuff if you expect something back from her. Give your love and give it freely. At least you will die knowing you weren't too afraid to love, confident enough in yourself to be able to do that! Besides, let's be real. You keep saying you want to forget her and walk away. That's so easy to say when there is still the faintest light of hope. It's when that light doesn't appear that we realise "oh sh*t! I didn't really mean that, I really love her, want her - THIS HURTS!"
Author iwish Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 okay dating mum, i've just read your threads.. I texted her.. 'Nice two words, you know what you need? hope you don't have to work too late x' She replied What do i need? It's not beer! I replied.. I'll tell you on our second date or maybe show you . You picked a day yet? x' She replied.. You're not going to show me anything! So Cheeky. And no... I'm still thinking about it...' I haven't responded to this yet, but come on.. no kissed, just back to being the cold girl again.. what on earth can i do?
Ssheena Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Dude. I just went and read all your previous postings. a) you aren't a couple anymore. b) she is trying to be nice to you and be "friends". That's it. c) why do you keep expecting something from her you are not going to get? She wrote you an email telling you were a pain in the butt. Read it again. Why do you think her feelings have changed? Do you not see the sign that says, HELLOOOOO, I don't love you anymore??? Every single one of your posts you are constently looking for a well, couldn't this mean this, or couldn't that mean that? and shouldn't I have hope etc, etc. etc. If you really wanted to forget her and move on you would. You don't. You want her back. Problem - she doesn't want the same thing. That's my viewpoint. Just give it up. I got $5 that if you plain out asked her if she was interested in getting back together with you she would say no.
Author iwish Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 thanks sheena, so her sleeping with me sat night means nothing? just a weak moment?
datingmum Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 I personally don't agree, but hey, I'm fabulous helping my friends, totally a disaster myself. But just have fun with it and be yourself! Just like you did! I think that was perfect!!! Now you need to send something back so she doesn't think you're all 'hurt'. Like "well, I know how hard 'thinking' is for you, so I won't distract you. I personally won't be doing any thinking tonight - out on the town. Wish me luck! " NO KISS OKAY???? Then PROMISE ME you will drop out of contact for 24 hours AT LEAST! Ok? Please? It's my theory, I know, but what do you have to lose? To keep yourself busy read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96092/?highlight=winning+back I did and it's the only way that worked.... I'll be on all evening if you want to chat, k?
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