Sweets1919 Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 Hi there, I am 34, single and moved away from my family/friends almost five years ago for job opportunities and also some independence. I have a great job and I found a great home and I am back in school for a master's degree. Things all sound great. I also have a boyfriend (long distance) and we have been together for a year and a half. I have been bringing up marriage/future and he says he will likely propose by the end of the year....that means that I would then move to his small town from the city I am currently in....yet still a province away from where I moved from five years ago. So, I just spent a week and a half at "home" with my friends/family over Easter and had a really good time. I met my brother's girlfriend for the first time and they are expecting a baby in September. It got me thinking about not only missing out on being involved with my friends as we all start having children, but on my kids getting to know their cousins and spending time with their grandparents (my parents) like I was able to when I was a child. I am also worried about missing out on time myself with my parents over the next 20-30 years as they get older (just turning 60 this year) and into old age. I am scared that I will regret being so far away that I won't be able to spend time with them and be there to physically and emotionally support them when needed. My boyfriend has said that he would not move back to my province with me so I am faced with a dilemma. Do I move to where my boyfriend lives (a town of 2000 people) when we get married (presuming that happens) and build a life there with new friends, his parents and siblings an hour away, and a couple flights "home" a year....or do I break up with him and move back on my own and settle in my home city with my family and longtime friends close by? I am scared about all of this: -scared I will miss out on time with my brother/parents. -scared I won't ever have the close friendships with new girls as I do with the ones back "home" (some are 15 yrs friendships). -scared my children won't know their grandparents, uncle, aunt or cousins. -scared I'll feel isolated in the town with my boyfriend as I will have to move there and meet all new friends and start over at a new job. -concerned that my boyfriend has said that he does not like doing social things in his community like even bowling or tennis so I wonder how we will meet other couples and have fun doing things...will it be up to me to meet friends alone even if we are married?? -my boyfriend says that if we had children and I wanted to go visit my friends and family he would not come with me if it was in the summertime because he is busy at work during those months (he is a lawyer and does real estate deals)....I am concerned I'd feel unsupported and alone. -scared that when my parents are older or elderly I won't be able to take time away to be with them/tend to them. -scared that I am talking myself out of taking a risk of being with my boyfriend. -scared of hurting my boyfriend's feelings -scared I'll quit my job and move "home" and wonder why I did that and regret my decision. -scared I won't meet a decent guy when I move back. Please....any advice???? This is tearing me apart. I know all of my family and all of my friends would be thrilled to have me move back. I know that I have learned a lot by being away and I surely appreciate everything about family. Part of me wonders if a trip or two a year would suffice but it is so hard to know.
norajane Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Wow, that's a lot of fears. I've been in your shoes, having moved 2000 miles away from my family and friends to experience life in another city. Loved it. But after 7 years, I moved back for the reasons you have cited - family and friends. There is something very special about being around people who love you and whom you love, and there's nothing quite like the friendships you have with old friends. However, I didn't have the conflict you have - the bf, possible fiancee. The bottom line is whether you are 100% certain that you and your bf are right for each other and he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. If he is, you can make a fulfilling life together and you will work out the rest as far as visiting your family. I don't know how far you'd be from your family when moving to your bf's city, but you can certainly take more than two trips a year and they can visit you as well. Grandparents somehow have a way of finding their way out to visit the grandchildren... But, I think you have some concerns about your future with your bf. He is not social, he seems pretty rigid about not visiting your family, your concerns about meeting friends... Have you ever lived in the same city with him? Or was this always a long distance relationship? If you've never lived in the same city, it may be that you don't know each other in a day-to-day kind of way, so your concerns are coming from that. Have you looked into the job market in his home town? Have you met any of his friends? How much time have you spent in his city? Maybe if you could spend some time there, your fears would be put to rest as you get to know the place better. Small towns can be easy to get to know people because there aren't that many things to do, so you meet the same people everywhere. There's no definitive answer any of us can give you, but I'll tell you that one of my friends left her very tight family of 6 brothers and sisters to marry a guy who has been relocated by his company at least 5 times since they married. And she says she'd go anywhere to any city as long as she's with him. So if you don't feel that way about your bf, you may not be ready to make that decision.
Author Sweets1919 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 Hi Nora, Thanks for the reply. I think part of my problem is the missing family/feeling of "home" but another part is my current lacking of a close connection with my boyfriend. We have never lived in the same town, it has been long distance the whole time. He calls every night to say goodnight and we talk in the day about daily life, but I have not felt for a long time that we are growing closer emotionally/intimately. When we see each other, we watch movies and hang out, but there is no romance, "dates" or passion. I think I have been trying to ignore my feelings of doubt for a while because I hoped the initial feelings of passion would come back because we get along as friends/I can be myself around him. However, I had put so much stock into thinking "soon he'll propose and then I'll know how he really loves me" (and that has not happened) that I ended up compromising what I want/like in my life. He prides himself on being stubborn and really just wants things his way. I would have to give up most everything to be with him and I don't think that it is enough. I am sad at the prospect of breaking up, but part of me feels like if I was really in love with this man and wanted to build a life with him then I would be stoked about moving to where he is and that we'd be building a life together. The way I feel now is that he is where he is, doing what he wants and if I want part of it, I have to fit into his life and I don't like how it makes me feel.
norajane Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 If that's the case, then look into finding a job where your family and friends are. Make that change and then decide if you and bf have a future.
littlekitty Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 It seems like you've answered your own question really. From what you've said it doesn't seem this relationship is going where you want, or is giving what you really want. If you decide to stay in the relationship and still consider moving to your bf's home town, I'd highly recommend taking a sabatical or extended holiday there first. Spend some real time there and with him and find out if it's really going to work. But from what you've said, and the red flags you've raised, I think you'd be better off moving on, moving home and building a new life there for yourself.
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