carhill Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Well, I guess I'll have to check it out if things with my wife don't work out. I never saw any of that cr@p when she and I met online 10 years ago. She said she had met a few question marks but they were easily disposed of with no rancor like you've shared. Maybe people in general have changed or perhaps it's because the internet is available and utilized by a wider audience now.
Walk Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 You seem to post threads about problems that are based from insecurity. You're worried about how others will perceive you, and you seem extremely worried that others might see a weakness or interpret something as a character flaw. In comments that color you in a bad light, you're unable to ignore the comment. You seem compelled to defend yourself against what you see as an injustice. You dismiss others posts (I've read some extremely harsh dismissals from you) or you mock their opinions/views through rolly eyes and sarcasm. Even this thread. You're dating two men at the same time, yet you're worried that taking down your profile will color you in a bad light with one of them. After someone comments on your statement that you'd prefer this guy not date others, you say "I didn't say I wanted him to only date me though, now did I?" and throw in a :roll eyes: to impress upon him that you don't care. Yet if you didn't care, you never would've said you'd prefer that the guy didn't date others. You seem to be trying very hard to portray yourself as a confident person who is comfortable with her life, yet your actions are saying your extremely worried about how others will view you. At the same time, you're so confident in your own thoughts and views of the world that you can dismiss others with rolly eyes, harsh comments, and sometimes even verbal attacks on the person. I don't quite understand what you are attempting to accomplish SG. You seem to want validation for your actions, yet you're confident enough in how you feel and think that you will spend several pages defending a stance. The moment Johan said you made a mistake (on page 1) you agreed and seemed to be saying you believed you should repost your profile. You want the one guy to be interested enough in you to not want to date other women, but when called on it, you turn around and say you expect him to date others. You don't seem to have a firm understanding of what you want, or why you want it, and you end up being blown in any direction by the wind. Figure out why you wanted something to begin with, and stick to your guns. If you wanted your profile down, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. And you don't need to justify your actions to others. If you're attempting to portray yourself in as a confident woman who's capable of making sound decisions, then act that way. If you're consistent in you messages, then people won't question your reasonings. The guy you're interested in will know from your actions with him and others that you aren't taking it down for him, but for yourself. He should know you're dating others while dating him, so removing a profile wouldn't be a blip on the radar screen. Stop being so defensive about your stance, and be confident in your decision. Its not like you're going to blow up the world if you made a mistake.
Lishy Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Walk you are genius! You really are! I hope Star listens as what you have said is the best advice she could ever get! You are a top girl!
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Walk, I honestly don't really understand the point you're trying to make or agree with anything you said in describing my character (which I find very insulting). Perhaps there's a miscommunication that's simply the result of relying on text from a stranger, but you're clearly not understanding my thoughts in this or intent whatsoever. For example: The moment Johan said you made a mistake (on page 1) you agreed and seemed to be saying you believed you should repost your profile. My comment to Johan was a joke. Sarcasm. That's why I included the: Now I'll follow that up with a cursory just for good measure. My ORIGINAL question wasn't about seeking validation, or wanting him to think a particular way. I actually want to him avoid ALL thought on the matter. Most of the time we go about thinking and acting in a manner that cannot be observed by the person/people we're dating. But when you're profile is online showing the person and the world that you're still very much out there, looking, it changes the dynamics entirely...which complicates things a wee bit. You want the one guy to be interested enough in you to not want to date other women, but when called on it, you turn around and say you expect him to date others. Okay, this is correct. I didn't need to be "called on it" to say that I expect him to date others because I do! There was no justification or defensiveness involved. But what's your point? I like him. I'd like him to only want to date me, but given how very NEW this 'relationship' is, can I really expect him to put all his eggs in one basket? I really don't think so. I can't expect it, so I don't. And like I said before, I'm not going to place any expectation on him (only dating me) that I can't place on myself (only dating him). You don't seem to have a firm understanding of what you want, or why you want it, and you end up being blown in any direction by the wind. Figure out why you wanted something to begin with, and stick to your guns. Right, I don't have a firm understanding of WHO I want (not "what"). So what's the problem with keeping my options open, exploring this guy and getting to know him (as well as others) to figure out if he (or someone else) if better matched for me? It's not like I'm sleeping with the guy. I have come to recognize that I have jumped in with two feet in the past, not being able to see the forest from the trees, only to lead to a detrimental result. I have thought about the right now, and not the future - but that gets me in to trouble each time because I end up in a relationship and invested before I even know the guy. So why not get to know him as well as others? I can't stick to my guns if I don't know what they are, can I?
Kamille Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 My ORIGINAL question wasn't about seeking validation, or wanting him to think a particular way. I actually want to him avoid ALL thought on the matter. Most of the time we go about thinking and acting in a manner that cannot be observed by the person/people we're dating. But when you're profile is online showing the person and the world that you're still very much out there, looking, it changes the dynamics entirely...which complicates things a wee bit. Well that's the point most of us are trying to make: you don't control that. I also don't see why you would want to control that and Walk's idea that it might stem from some form insecurity could be an explanation.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 30, 2008 Author Posted March 30, 2008 Well that's the point most of us are trying to make: you don't control that. I also don't see why you would want to control that and Walk's idea that it might stem from some form insecurity could be an explanation. I suppose it doesn't really matter anymore. This is the same guy as "late guy." Over it. Profile is now back up and in full effect.
Nevermind Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Hihi. I bet this time you don't mind if he takes notice. Good for you!
Walk Posted March 30, 2008 Posted March 30, 2008 Walk, I honestly don't really understand the point you're trying to make or agree with anything you said in describing my character (which I find very insulting). You tend to find a great deal of things very insulting. My ORIGINAL question wasn't about seeking validation, or wanting him to think a particular way. I actually want to him avoid ALL thought on the matter. That is what wanting him to think a particular way means. Wanting him to avoid all thought on the matter. You don't want him to feel positive or negative about it, but you want him to not think about it. Wanting to influence his thoughts regarding your behavior. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Do you think there's something wrong with that? I do that with my fiance ever day. As long as you aren't lying, or being deceitful about it, then what's the problem? Why are you upset if someone says you're attempting to control his thoughts on the matter? The big point about controling it is simply that it's not possible. You can influence, but you can't control. Why then do you imply its a bad thing that someone suggested you're attempting to want him to think a particular way, and why are you spending so much effort in proving you aren't? I don't have a firm understanding of WHO I want (not "what"). I can't stick to my guns if I don't know what they are, can I? Boiled down... you don't know what you want in a partner, so you can't find it. It helps to play the field and learn from each person you meet until you have a better understanding of the traits that make you happy, and those that create negative feelings in you. In addition to that, it takes a great deal of introspection into who you are as a person to understand who would fit best into your life as a partner. I feel your too defensive to really accomplish that portion of it at this time in your life. In my experience, and granted it is my experience, but people who tend to be regularly defensive feel that others are viewing them as "wrong", or "bad" in some way. Research states that a majority of people who react in this way are attempting to avoid their own feelings of shame or worthlessness. You tend to see even well meaning opinions as personal attacks on you. (ie. You said you felt "very insulted" by my post. Not just a little bit.. but very) It seems as if you allow this to color your view of the entire world. It puts you at a disadvantage, and prevents you from creating those situations where you may find the type of person who will fit well into your life. Instead of evaluting your actions as an unbiased bystander, you spend a great deal of time justifying your reactions to the situation. I feel that a great deal of your actions are the correct actions to take. You're a smart woman. But when you ask questions, you don't want to hear others views on it. You want validation for your actions. You avoid introspection through defensiveness, hostility, and sarcasm. (ie. Your reply to Johan) And that will stunt you in the long run. As always, this is just a single persons thoughts on the comments and views you have posted on this board. Take it as you would like. I wish you the best Star, and I know you'll find your way to happy place eventually.
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